The Truth About UFO's.

So I finally got this whole "UFO" thing figured out.

Yep, I've been researching this phenomena for decades now, and I've finally discovered the truth.  And I've got some serious pedigree to do so. 

 

Do you recall hearing of one Kenneth Arnold, the guy credited with having had the very first "modern-day" sighting of a UFO?  Well, he was my 1st cousin, on my Mom's side.  And he told me all about it.  And you can learn all about him by simply Googling his name.  You'll have thousands of links to acquaint you with his exploits.

Anyway, cousin Kenneth reported watching nine "saucer shaped," unidentified flying objects "skipping along" near Mount Shasta, Washington back in 1947.  He was a cartographer for the Army Air Corps.  So he was flying his J-3 Piper Cub that day, mapping away, when all of a sudden these "UFO's" appeared.  He commented that they "...skipped along like saucers."  And that's where we got the term.  Knowing the distance between two mountain peaks between which he observed them flying, he opined that they were travelling at over 3,600 miles per hour.  And that was about 2,900 miles per hour faster than anything we had at the time.

Ken later modified his estimate of their speed upward - slightly - to above 9,500 mph!

That, fellow Patriots, is the generally-recognized modern beginning of "Unidentified Flying Objects" as we know them today.

(BTW:  Ken later built an airplane in his basement.  A full-sized airplane.  Unfortunately, he must have forgotten that it wouldn't fit through the door.  He had to take it apart to get it out.  Take that for what you will...)

Soooo, I, The Chuckmeister, your friendly scribe, your personal conduit for all things bright and beautiful, hereby divulge unto you, my faithful readers, all you need to know about flying saucers and what they mean to us.  Ready?  Here goes...

UFOs started visiting Earth about 12,000 years ago, or thereabouts, I'm thinking.  Just about the time our Ice Age began to wane.  They traveled here looking for gold, which I think they use in their anti-gravity propulsion systems.  They use it to make U-115, which is a new element on our Periodic Table.  It's named "Unobtanium," I'm pretty sure.  They were running out of gold on their home planet, which I believe is in the Star Cluster Syrius "B," and so they launched a galaxy-wide search for more.  And they found more on Earth.

I'm not sure about the name of their planet, but stay with me here.

So these folks then flitted all around the Earth mining for gold.  And while doing so, sort of as a hobby I'd guess, they educated the natives in each locale about neat stuff like writing.  And agriculture.  And mathematics.  And constructing pyramids.  Especially pyramids.  Which they helped build.  Those anti-gravity machines sure come in handy, don't they?  That's why there are pyramids on every continent, including Antarctica!  And that's why they all look the same. 

Funny how that goes... 

But then people started really taking notice of these strange items streaking across the skies.  All through the Renaissance and up unto the current day.  Michaelangelo even put one in a painting.  

They really started paying attention with Ken's sighting and that infamous crash at Roswell, New Mexico in 1947.  That event seemed to coincide nicely with our development of nuclear weapons, doncha' know.  Weapons about which the UFO folks are deeply concerned.  They tend to cluster around our nuke plants and missile silos.  I guess that after having invested so much in our little planet over the millennia, and have given us the nuclear technology they now fear, they don't want us to blow each other to smithereens.

So, they built local bases so they didn't have to travel back and forth to their home planet via "time-warp."  I mean, even with a "warp" it can take several days, or even weeks.  I think their bases are located underwater at several places around the Earth.  Our closest base is located underwater on the far side of Catalina Island, I think.  Another is underwater next to the island of Guadalupe off Baja, Mexico.  And thus their craft are more properly called "USO's," or "Underwater Submersible Objects."  Air or water, they're both elements, right?  Makes sense, right?

So it's not like I have a personal relationship with these guys.  We haven't got that far yet.  Or rather, I haven't got that far yet.  They actually don't know I'm here.  But I'm doing my best to get their attention so I can interview them for this (non) award-winning little blog.  I know you'd be excited to learn more about these guys and their hot rods (they travel reeeely fast!), so I'm doing whatever I can to get their attention.  I go outside every evening and jump up and down and wave my arms, trying to get their attention.  No luck yet, but soon, I'm sure.  Soon.  I'll keep you briefed...

Anyway, it's my opinion that then-Prez Eisenhower met with these ET's back in 1953, or thereabouts.  I think he cut a treaty with them, enabling them to keep on flying around inside our borders and within our airspace free of charge, in exchange for information on their remarkable technologies and how we could build UFO's of our own.

Did you notice how quickly we went from P-51 Mustangs to F-86 Sabre Jets?  From B-52's to a manned landing on the moon?  Barely a decade, fellow Patriots!  So those of you who are yet to be convinced about UFO's and their little "grey" pilots and crew, just remember if they were a threat we'd already be dead.  And, we average about 10,000 sightings a year, not all of which can be bogus.  So, I'm thinking if even one might be real, they all might be real, right?  Right!  

So to all you intergalactic traveler haters out there, don't dislike our little grey visitors simply because they're "different."  That's racist.  And God knows, in this day and age we are definitely not permitted to be that...