Friday, November 21, 2014
Most of you hopefully know that our President, Brock O'Bama, delivered a speech live on Univision last night. He picked Univision, rather than ABC, CBS, NBC and MSPMS because he really didn't want the "pay-no-attention-until-it-hurts-my-wallet" voters to know much about it.
What few know, however, is that Mr. O'Bama had two speeches readied for this fateful announcement. And I, the Chuckmeister, having special "inside" sources that few others enjoy, which have guaranteed me that this is true, have managed to obtain a copy of it.
One, the "wimpy" speech, is the one he chose to give. He wimped out, just as he did with his famous "red line" warning to Syria. And his unilateral removal of rockets from Ukraine. And his half-hearted "war" against ISIS/ISIL/Islamic State or whatever they choose to call it. He's pretty wimpy, this guy.
But the other speech, the one he really wanted to give, I'm told, but didn't, is worth reviewing, because it shows what he really thinks and what he really feels. And children, we shall review that speech forthwith:
* * * * *
"To my fellow Americans...and those of you who soon will be."
"As you've no doubt heard, I come to you wonderful Latinos tonight to announce a sweeping overhaul of our proud nation's broken immigration system. I say "Latinos," because the Alphabet Networks aren't covering this, and almost nobody else is paying attention, because they're watching football, or some other waste of time TV show, and the Lap Dog Media will keep this whole thing pretty much under wraps, except for that goddam Fox News, and I'm on just before the Latin Grammys kick off, and it's Mexican Revolution Day, so the voters won't really know what happened here tonight. Except for you and me, that is. 'Heh, heh."
"Yes, I've said on multiple occasions that I have no authority to make the changes I shall announce here tonight. Yes, they're unconstitutional. But hey, I don't have to run for reelection again, and while I still have some degree of power before my "Lame Duck" status really kicks in, and because I don't really care if what I do is illegal, I asked myself, "Why not go big?" After all, the feckless Republicans can't do much about it without risking the media coming after them, which would alienate the low-information voters, and the Democrat Party, which I've almost single-handedly destroyed, needs some serious help, so really, my friends, what do I have to lose? So, going BIG is what I'm hereby going to do."
"Rather than simply "nationalizing" 4 or 5 million of your brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, grandfathers and grandmothers, and your little nephews with all those "MS-13" tattoos on their foreheads by simply choosing not to deport them, I'm going the "Full Monte." As of tonight, I'm granting full amnesty to everybody in Africa, in Asia, in Europe, in South America and even in the Antarctic. Everybody."
"You may now break into America without fear that those troublesome border patrol guys will try and ruin your travel experience. And God knows, we wouldn't want to do that. After all, you either are, or soon will be Undocumented Democrats, so treating you really, really well so you know how to properly vote ("wink-wink") is high on my list of priorities."
"So after tonight, you'll be able to get a real Social Security Number, not the one you've been illegally using, a Green Card, a drivers' license, Obamacare, welfare, some help with the old apartment rent thing and a free Rosetta Stone program so you can learn English should you really want to. But you won't actually have to, because before long, once the border surge occurs, most of your neighbors will be speaking Spanish anyway. As a matter of fact, part of this Executive Order is that all phones in America will now be required to announce, "Press 2 for English.' "
"But part of this whole deal is that you will be absolutely required to go straight to Texas, or Oklahoma, or Kansas, or Arizona, or Utah, or Idaho, because hey, those states have plenty of room, and they're, ahem, RED, and we need to turn them purple, at the very least, and preferably a very bright BLUE. I personally recommend Texas, because that Perry guy isn't one of my favorite people, and Governor Jan Brewer in Arizona could use some more residents sporting your particular skin color, if you know what I mean, just in case you're interested."
"We want you here. We love you. And thanks for mowing our lawns, wet-nursing our kids and washing our cars all these years. We hope to start repaying you...the Democrat Party does, that is, starting tonight."
"So, in closing, I'm making tacos the Official Food at the White House. Margaritas will now be decreed the Official Drink of the United States, and all you Latinos will get an extra five points on your civil service exams when you apply for work at the Post Office. But work, of course, will remain optional."
"Thank you for voting for me and my Democrat friends and helping to elect me in previous elections, and God Bless Estados Unidos!"
* * * * *
That's the speech that El Jefe really wanted to deliver, I'm led to believe, but didn't. The wimp. But now you know what he preferred you to know. Perhaps he'll man-up and someday do his Tele-PrompTer thing and read the real speech to you himself.
But until then, the Chuckmeister will keep you up to date on all the comings and goings as it relates to immigration reform here in what used to be America.
After all, if I don't tell you, who will?
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Today, my friends, we're going to talk about a new measure of time. One I've just conjured up. You know, the way we determine how much time has passed, or is going to pass. Like eon. Or year. Like month, or week, or day. Like hour, or minute, or second. Even a piece of a second, like a "nanosecond," which is, well, pretty damn small.
To these, children, we will now add another. One that should be used frequently in our present day society, which is managed all too often by those who are just dead-set, tremblingly, feverishly dead-set, on removing our guns from our hands, cold and dead, or not...
Gunaway: (Gun-a-way). Noun. The smallest measure of time between some crazed terrorist asshole engaging in a mass shooting somewhere, and a commie drone doofus gun-hating lefty calling for unconstitutional enhanced gun control measures.
Yes, "gunaway." That's the amount of time it takes for the Dinosaur Media, or a member of our Fearless Leader's Administration, or the Democrat National Committee, or Media Matters for America, or MoveOn.org, or Jessuh Jackson, or Politico, or the Huffington Post, or Joe "Plugs" Biden, or Little Mikey Bloomberg, or Porky Mikey Moore, or George ("the Nazi") Soros, or MSNBC, or anyone else who cares to opine, to call for new, expanded, improved, or enlarged gun control measures designed to disarm Americans after somebody somewhere starts shooting in a crowded place.
Not "knifing" in a crowded place. That's happened quite a bit lately. Or as happened recently on a New York City street, "hatcheting" in a crowded placed. Just shooting.
While the acrid smell from burnt gunpowder was still wafting through the hallowed halls of Ottawa's famed Capitol building, MSNBC's empty suit talking heads were heard calling for enhanced gun control laws. That was their "gunaway."
Rosie "The Mouth" O'Donnell called for increased gun control in less than an hour. Her "gunaway." Did I mention that Rosie has a bevy of armed guards protecting her bloated ugly body?
And recently, a disaffected teenager wishing to go out in a blaze of glory shot up the cafeteria in a Marysville, Washington, high school, killing three, and critically wounding one other kid. The "gunaway" on the Internet for this evil act was a little as 20 minutes. Not to pile on to MSNBC again, but hey, I can, because they are so "pile-on-able." Their no-talent airhead host Joy Reid began calling for increased gun control 35 minutes into the attack (their coverage of the shooting started at 11:25 a.m. PDT, and her screeching for more gun-grabbing started at 11:50 a.m.). As Rahm Emmanuel so famously stated a couple of years back, "Never let a crises go to waste." She didn't, and they aren't.
What glue holds all of these nefarious events together. They were all Gun Free Zones!
How about New York Governor Andrew Cuomo's "gunaway" following the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School? Less than 24 hours. That's how long it took him to round up the lefty loons in the New York legislature in Albany and pass the "Safe Act." That little piece of Lefty Logic, which made only the criminals "safe," turned the 2nd Amendment on its ear in New York State. Got a so-called "assault rifle?" Turn it in. Got a pistol or rifle magazine that holds more than 7 rounds? Turn it in. It's now illegal. Want to buy a gun in New York? Good luck.
So, out of about 500,000 "assault rifle" owners in New York, less than 3,000 showed up to register their already registered guns. The others are now felons. And they just gave the finger to Governor Cuomo by refusing to knuckle under to his B.S. law. Oh, and his little 7-round magazine limit? It made all the magazines in all his Highway Patrol, Sheriffs' Department and Police Department officers' handguns felons, as all of their pistol magazines hold at least 10 rounds.
No gun manufacturer on Earth makes a gun magazine that holds only 7 rounds!
This guy is some special sort of dumbass, isn't he?
Oh, I should also mention that while New York State is advertising every few minutes on every cable channel that companies should seriously consider moving there, and by doing so pay no taxes for ten years as a result, every single gun manufacturer is moving out!
Every hear of Remington? Of Ithaca? Those two famous gun makers are way over 100 years old. They have begun the process of pulling up stakes and moving to more favorable climes. Down south, they're going, where the people in charge can actually read, and therefore understand, the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States.
When you elect a dumbass liberal weenie governor, you get dumbass liberal weenie laws. And so far, Cuomo has presided over the loss of more than 3,000 jobs in New York State. Did you hear about that on MSNBC? Or NBC, CBS, ABC or PBS No? I wonder why (cough, cough)?
Oh, and let's not fail to mention Buffalo. Buffalo's gunaway is about two days. That's the amount of time it now takes the "authorities" in Buffalo to visit the home of a newly-deceased gun owner and demand that the surviving spouse hand over the weapons. No reimbursement necessary. No warrant required. Let me in. Hand them over. I'm not kidding. I wish I were.
Back to "gun free zones." Those calling for enhanced gun control measures don't seem to understand that people with a proclivity to shoot up the neighborhood don't ordinarily follow the rules of society. Think about it, folks. Killing a bunch of strangers is, well, illegal! They think that criminals will see a sign outlawing their impending activity and say to themselves, "Uh oh, no guns here!" I guess I'll go home and get my trusty Louisville Slugger." They seem to think that more and better laws will keep those who don't follow the 20,000 anti-gun laws already on the books, will somehow have the light bulb go "on" and suddenly become law-abiding. As in, "Who me?" Shoot up a school? Oh no, not me! I'll go to the library and check out a book instead." Who knows? Maybe they're right. And just maybe unicorns will begin dancing to a Cole Porter tune on the White House Rose Garden lawn...
Or, maybe the billionaires with armed bodyguards, who are donating millions of dollars to run ads advocating increased gun control laws, who have decided that the 100,000,000 Americans who own more than 300,000,000 guns will decide to follow the lead of commie pinko dumbass liberal weenies and cough up their firearms to comply with the Politically Correct Crowd.
Or, maybe not.
In the meantime, observe the happenings for yourself. Keep track of the "gunaways" when next a lefty terrorist kills some nice folks. And ask yourself, "How much better would it have been if a good guy with a concealed weapon was nearby and ready, willing and able to drop the bad guy like a bad habit and bring the massacre to a quick and successful close?"
Just for the record, according to the FBI's 2012 statistics, the average number of deaths by gun in mass shootings where there's no "good guy with a gun" nearby to thwart it, is 12.7. The average when the "good guy" is around, is 2.1. Which number do you like the best?
Still not convinced? A terrorist shot up the Ottawa capitol a few weeks back. The Sergeant-at-Arms pulled his Glock and dropped him forthwith. He shot dead an unarmed soldier at point blank range. The "Bad Guy With a Gun" then began looking for more victims before being shot dead by a "Good Guy With a Gun." Now let me hear from some of you gun-haters out there just how much better off our friends up north would be if there were no guns in this "gun-free zone."
Ever wonder why bad guys pick "gun free zone" schools for their evil deeds? I wonder why you never hear of a gun show or a police station getting shot up. If guns kill people, how is it that people get out of gun shows alive? Have you got it yet?
Oh, and then go out and buy a gun, learn how to use it safely and effectively, and then take responsibility for your defense and the defense of those good people around you.
Because remember, my friends, when seconds count, the police are only minutes away...
Monday, November 10, 2014
The tens of you who follow this little blog of mine will remember my posting of November 6th, 2008. I wrote:
"Last night I went to bed in Northern Mexico and woke up this morning in France."
That was a bad morning for me. And for about half of America. The election was over. And for me and that half, we all lost. I recall thinking that the only ones happy about it at the time were those who didn't have America's best interests at heart. And who wanted something from America, not for America. And for those who wanted to cut America down to size. To embarrass her. And to minimize her importance. And influence. And to sully her history. Like Obama when he went on his World Apology Tour. I was depressed for quite some time. Still am, to a degree.
But the morning after this election I awakened with a new sense of hope. I was exhilarated. Freedom was returning to our beloved country. Call it "hope and change" for real. As in, I "hope" this socialistic crap is finally close to over and the "change" we need is on the way. The Republican Party had just won a decisive battle and sent the Democrat candidates packing. Thumped 'em, we did, this past Tuesday. Buried them. In the aftermath, Barry Obama said, derisively, that "...the Republicans had a good night." Hmmm. Ya' think?
That, my friends, is called damning something with faint praise. However, it was, as Senator Joe Manchin of West Virginia so eloquently put it, a real "ass whoopin." Yes, it was. And it was glorious.
By the way, I predict that Mr. Manchin disavows his commie lefty weenie tendencies and begs the conservative majority to allow him to join its little ruling party. Just guessing. But watch and see. I think I'll be proven right.
I had also predicted in these pages a year or so ago that I expected the Republicans to win 8 Senate seats and 9 House seats in this just-completed election. As of Wednesday morning, the Republicans had taken down 7 Senate seats with two others very likely to follow suit in the next few weeks (Alaska and Louisiana). And the House picked up 13 new members, making it the most "Red" it has been since Harry Truman was in office. Not since 1946 has there been so many Republican House members. And it's likely that they will have the majority for generations to come.
Maybe I had some small part in helping this to happen by asking those who had no idea which direction is up, who believed all that "hoppanchange" crap, to "Just Stay Home on Election Day." Maybe, just maybe.
So one could reasonably say that I'm prescient. You know, like, I am able to foretell the future. And I did. Yes indeedy, I did.
So, now the reason for this posting. I would be remiss in my duties to my several avid followers if I didn't do a follow-up to my six-years-ago downer of a statement. So, here goes:
"Last night I went to bed in Cuba and woke up this morning in France."
France. Not great, but not Cuba, either. We had devolved to "Cuba" since Barry had been ensconced at the helm. A long, painful, downward spiral that had pretty much hit bottom somewhere just south of Havana. The Government had taken control of our lives to a degree never before experienced. It was telling us what to wear, what to drive, what to eat (thanks, Mooooochelle), how much we should earn, and what health insurance that we were required by law to purchase (!). Every little aspect of our puny lives had been subsumed by the Government. And it was due to get worse. Much worse.
And then the election happened. And the Great Plan of the Progressive Elite was derailed. We Won! Yeah!
In the aftermath just-fired Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid looked like he needed an overdose of Pepcid. Heavily Botoxed San Fran Nan Pelosi looked poleaxed. Even more than normal. Like she didn't really understand what had just happened (did anyone get the license plate number of that truck?) Glorious, as I said.
So, back to France. Not America, yet, but far better than a miserable hovel in Havana. But those who reside in "redder" climes than Taxifornia may be in far better shape than me and my fellow "Blue Island" prisoners. The Red Wave seems to always stop at the Sierra Nevada, never managing to make its way over the mountain top to our prettiest and most compelling state. Oh, and the dumbest, most Progressive, poorest managed, least rational, most overtaxed state in the union.
But with any luck at all, with any sort of forward progress made by the New Majority in Congress, we'll get a chance to return from socialist Pa-ree and get back to America as it was. And could be once again.
God, I hope so...