Friday, November 21, 2014

"To my fellow Americans...and those of you who soon will be."

Most of you hopefully know that our President, Brock O'Bama, delivered a speech live on Univision last night.  He picked Univision, rather than ABC, CBS, NBC and MSPMS because he really didn't want the "pay-no-attention-until-it-hurts-my-wallet" voters to know much about it.  

What few know, however, is that Mr. O'Bama had two speeches readied for this fateful announcement. And I, the Chuckmeister, having special "inside" sources that few others enjoy, which have guaranteed me that this is true, have managed to obtain a copy of it.  

One, the "wimpy" speech, is the one he chose to give.  He wimped out, just as he did with his famous "red line" warning to Syria.  And his unilateral removal of rockets from Ukraine.  And his half-hearted "war" against ISIS/ISIL/Islamic State or whatever they choose to call it.  He's pretty wimpy, this guy.

But the other speech, the one he really wanted to give, I'm told, but didn't, is worth reviewing, because it shows what he really thinks and what he really feels.  And children, we shall review that speech forthwith:

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"To my fellow Americans...and those of you who soon will be."

"As you've no doubt heard, I come to you wonderful Latinos tonight to announce a sweeping overhaul of our proud nation's broken immigration system.  I say "Latinos," because the Alphabet Networks aren't covering this, and almost nobody else is paying attention, because they're watching football, or some other waste of time TV show, and the Lap Dog Media will keep this whole thing pretty much under wraps, except for that goddam Fox News, and I'm on just before the Latin Grammys kick off, and it's Mexican Revolution Day, so the voters won't really know what happened here tonight.  Except for you and me, that is.  'Heh, heh."

"Yes, I've said on multiple occasions that I have no authority to make the changes I shall announce here tonight.  Yes, they're unconstitutional.  But hey, I don't have to run for reelection again, and while I still have some degree of power before my "Lame Duck" status really kicks in, and because I don't really care if what I do is illegal, I asked myself, "Why not go big?" After all, the feckless Republicans can't do much about it without risking the media coming after them, which would alienate the low-information voters, and the Democrat Party, which I've almost single-handedly destroyed, needs some serious help, so really, my friends, what do I have to lose?  So, going BIG is what I'm hereby going to do."

"Rather than simply "nationalizing" 4 or 5 million of your brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, grandfathers and grandmothers, and your little nephews with all those "MS-13" tattoos on their foreheads by simply choosing not to deport them, I'm going the "Full Monte."  As of tonight, I'm granting full amnesty to everybody in Africa, in Asia, in Europe, in South America and even in the Antarctic. Everybody."  

"You may now break into America without fear that those troublesome border patrol guys will try and ruin your travel experience.  And God knows, we wouldn't want to do that.  After all, you either are, or soon will be Undocumented Democrats, so treating you really, really well so you know how to properly vote ("wink-wink") is high on my list of priorities."

"So after tonight, you'll be able to get a real Social Security Number, not the one you've been illegally using, a Green Card, a drivers' license, Obamacare, welfare, some help with the old apartment rent thing and a free Rosetta Stone program so you can learn English should you really want to.  But you won't actually have to, because before long, once the border surge occurs, most of your neighbors will be speaking Spanish anyway.  As a matter of fact, part of this Executive Order is that all phones in America will now be required to announce, "Press 2 for English.' "  

"But part of this whole deal is that you will be absolutely required to go straight to Texas, or Oklahoma, or Kansas, or Arizona, or Utah, or Idaho, because hey, those states have plenty of room, and they're, ahem, RED, and we need to turn them purple, at the very least, and preferably a very bright BLUE.  I personally recommend Texas, because that Perry guy isn't one of my favorite people, and Governor Jan Brewer in Arizona could use some more residents sporting your particular skin color, if you know what I mean, just in case you're interested."

"We want you here.  We love you.  And thanks for mowing our lawns, wet-nursing our kids and washing our cars all these years.  We hope to start repaying you...the Democrat Party does, that is, starting tonight."

"So, in closing, I'm making tacos the Official Food at the White House.  Margaritas will now be decreed the Official Drink of the United States, and all you Latinos will get an extra five points on your civil service exams when you apply for work at the Post Office. But work, of course, will remain optional."

"Thank you for voting for me and my Democrat friends and helping to elect me in previous elections, and God Bless Estados Unidos!"

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That's the speech that El Jefe really wanted to deliver, I'm led to believe, but didn't.  The wimp.  But now you know what he preferred you to know. Perhaps he'll man-up and someday do his Tele-PrompTer thing and read the real speech to you himself.  

But until then, the Chuckmeister will keep you up to date on all the comings and goings as it relates to immigration reform here in what used to be America. 

After all, if I don't tell you, who will?

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