Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Immigration Update

I commented yesterday that the nice folks in Arizona ought to provide the illegals they capture with one-way bus tickets to San Francisco. That's because the commie pinko weenies in San Fran are going postal over AZ's new get-tough immigration law. They think it's just so very unfair to all those nice border jumpers. We should be more compassionate, they believe. To think. These AZ troglodytes actually passed a law that mirrors exactly our Federal laws regarding the approved and constitutional methods of detecting violators of our immigration regulations. The Feds have declared what they've done to be a crime. The state of AZ just did the same. And the room temperature IQ-types in San Fran don't like it at all.

But not just them. Our President-in-Training doesn't like it either. Neither does the Attorney General. I'm guessing that means it's a pretty good law. But lo and behold, today Mr. Rush Limbaugh offered up the very same suggestion I did. Send 'em to SFO, Rush said, with one-way bus tickets. This is absolute proof, I contend, that Rush reads my blog.

And if he doesn't, he should...

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

What Part of Illegal Don't You Understand?

So Arizona pulled the trigger and passed the strictest anti-illegal immigration law in the Country. Starting in early July, cops who suspect someone is here illegally may stop them, ask for their ID's, and if they can't prove they're here legally, they get tossed in the slammer. If then found guilty they get six months to contemplate their actions, a $2,500 fine and deportation once their sentence is served. And not everyone is happy about it. One of AZ's own state senators called upon the nation to boycott his state. How quaint. But this very day San Francisco's City Attorney Dennis Herrera came up with an even juicier plan. Read on...

Everyone knows that San Fran is a "sanctuary" city. That means if you're there illegally no one gives a damn. Their law enforcement folks are banned from asking your immigration status. And it's costing the city hugely as a result. Now this guy Herrera is advocating that SFO policymakers boycott AZ and AZ-based businesses in every way possible. And some of the lefties in D.C. are calling upon the Prez to order ICE not to accept illegals the AZ folks snag. Well I have a better idea. AZ should simply provide all the illegals they catch with a one-way bus ticket to San Francisco. Problem solved. SFO gets more of the illegals they so love, AZ gets rid of its illegals and POTUS and his cronies can't do a damn thing about it. Simple, cheap and quick. What do you think?

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Wine Trivia

There's a good chance you may be sitting in a bar somewhere and get into a trivia contest for cocktails. And perhaps the subject will be little known factoids about wine. If so, and in the earnest and undying belief I was placed here on this ever-warming Earth to help enlighten my burgeoning flock, here's some tidbits to cram into your cerebral hard drive for just such an occasion:

Wine By Numbers:

400 vines per acre
4 - 5 tons per acre (2 - 3 tons for Pinot Noir)
160 gallons per ton
60 cases per ton
7.5 pounds per vine
2.5 bottles per vine
240 cases per acre
2.4 gallons per case
1 grape cluster + 1 glass
24 cases per barrel
288 bottles per barrel
416 cases per 1,000 gallons
10,000 grape varietals
20 of 400 oak vareitals used for barrels
50 - 60 degrees for wine storage
White wine served at 39 - 40, red at 59 - 60
Note: All numbers are approximations and vary by year and by varietal

In summation, dear friends, life's too short to drink cheap wine!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Sticker Humor

Here, ladies and gentlemen, are three of the best and brightest bumper stickers I've come across in my never ending fight against communism, Marxism, socialism, and other freedom-robbing weenies of all stripes:

1. Eschew Obfuscation.

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.

3. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

See, I can write something short, humorous and almost totally apolitical.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

The Church of Chuck

Have you heard that buying health insurance is now the law? It won't be long before you'll have to buy it or go straight to the slammer. Where, by the way, you'll get health care for free. Ironic, no? But I have an idea you may find appealing...

Some of you are aware that I am an ordained minister of the gospel. I became one back when Jimmy Carter was screwing up America and I thought I might have to start a church to avoid oppressive taxation. Turns out I didn't, but I've used my "man of the cloth" status a couple of hundred times since then to marry up nice folks and help defray my bar bills a tad. But then I heard that two types of folks are exempted from complying with this crappy new legislation. They are members of the Amish and Christian Scientist churches. Turns out these people have some sort of religious conviction against buying health insurance. Or, maybe they were scared by a heath insurance salesman. Who knows? But I'm one of those guys who never lets an idea for a new business go unmolested. So here we go...

Starting today, I'm hereby inaugurating the "First Chuckmeister Church of Scientific Christians with an Amish Leaning." All you have to do is get back to me with your request to join up, along with a donation of perhaps $5.00 to cover shipping and handling, don't you know, and I'll send you an email welcoming you to the flock. There will be no regular services (although maybe some irregular ones!), no rules except you don't have to honor the individual insurance mandate due to our deeply held religious convictions, and no actual brick and mortar church. No, you won't have to grow a beard or drive a horse and buggy. But from time to time I may send along an email with some words to live by. I'm considering some sort of tithing arrangement so I won't have to work anymore at all, but I'll get back to you on that.

So, brothers and sisters, join with me today and confound those lovely folks at the IRS. Peace be with you. I await your response...