Saturday, June 21, 2014

Ending Mass Murder

It seems that every couple of weeks there's another mass murder.  Some godless dude, usually, but not always beige in color, goes absolutely postal and stabs, knifes, clubs or mows down a bunch of innocent people, and that's all the so-called Mainstream Dinosaur Media talks about for the next several days.  Or weeks.  And that's all the politicians want to talk about for the next several months.

Unless the killings occur in Barry's hometown of Chicago, of course, and then the whole thing gets a pass from the Media.

As the dad of a kid shot to death in Isla Vista, a Santa Barbara enclave, a couple of weeks ago said, there has to be an answer to this. There has to be a way to end this madness, he said.  Besides eliminating the NRA, of course, which as a good, and grieving, hard-core lefty, he advocated vociferously.  Well, children, I believe I have the answer...

First, a little history:

Nidal Hassan:  Army major, Soldier of Allah.  Said so on his business card (!).  Wouldn't you have thought somebody would have picked up on that?  Registered Democrat and Jihadist Muslim who killed 13 and wounded another 32 at Fort Hood, Texas. This Fort, and all other military installations in the U.S., was, and is, a "Gun Free Zone," made so by Billy Jeff "Blue Dress" Clinton's 1993 executive order. No one knows why he would forge into being such a ridiculous, dumbass, foolish, stupid law, but he did. Killed by an off-duty, armed civilian lady cop, thankfully.  Did I mention she was armed?   

Aaron Alexis:  Black liberal, registered Democrat, Obama supporter, who shot up the Navy Yard in Virginia.  A "Gun Free Zone."  Killed himself.  Thankfully.

Seung-Hui Cho:  Registered Democrat, wrote nasty hate mail to President Bush and his staff.  Walked past sign stating "Gun Free Zone" to shoot up Virginia Tech and kill more than two dozen young students.  Ummm, yeah.

James Holmes:  The stark raving nuts "Dark Knight," who drove past two Aurora, Colorado theaters until he found one announcing it was a "Gun Free Zone" so he could kill more than two dozen and wound scores more. Registered Democrat, staff worker for the Obama campaign, big Occupy Wall Street supporter. Hated Christians.  Sensing a pattern here?

Andrew J. Stack:  Flew small plane into the IRS building in Texas, injuring many, Registered Democrat and hard-core Progressive leftist.  Strangely, no guns involved.  But we have to consider outlawing Cessnas and Pipers, right?  

James J. Lee:  "Green Activist" who took hostages at the Discovery Channel while armed.  Progressive Liberal Democrat.  No deaths.  Thankfully.

Jared Loughner:  Leftist, Marxist, Registered Democrat who shot Congresswoman Gabby Giffords in the head at a town meeting in Tucson, AZ.  Giffords and her husband Mark, launch anti-gun PAC.  Not an anti-mentally ill PAC, unfortunately.  Seems inveterate leftists are incapable of placing blame where it truly belongs.  

Lee Harvey Oswald:  Communist, Marxist, Registered Democrat, shot and killed John F. Kennedy.  Or so they say... 

Sirhan Sirhan Sirhan (Sirhan Sirhan?):  Communist, Marxist, Registered Democrat who shot and killed Bobby Kennedy. Crime caught on tape, so there's no question as to who did it.

Adam Lanza:  Son of committed leftist and registered Democrat.  Tried to buy guns.  Rebuffed when he couldn't pass Universal Background Checks (which is what the Democrats want, right?).  Stole his mother's guns.  Killed her with them.  Later shot his way into a locked-down school, killed more than 20 little kids and 6 teachers at Sandy Hook Elementary School.  A "Gun Free Zone," once again.  Lanza committed 23 separate felonies during his horrific onslaught that day, then killed himself when he heard the police car sirens.  Maybe if we pass a few more laws (we have more than 20,000 anti-gun laws on the books already!) it will stop those willing to break laws to commit mass murder.  Yeah, that's the ticket!  More laws!  

Can anyone tell me why room temperature I.Q. liberals think that criminals who don't follow the law will begin to follow the law if we simply pass more laws for them to follow?  Just asking.

Christopher Loughner (should we start investigating anyone named Loughner?):  Ex-cop, Black activist, committed leftist, registered Democrat.  Shot up parts of Los Angeles, which is a world-class toilet, killing several, and Big Bear, a squeaky-clean skiing enclave a hundred miles away.  Took an old couple hostage.  Shot to death.  Good.

Bill Ayers:  Weather Underground bomber and killer, committed far-left dangerous liberal and Democrat.  Married Bernadette Dorne, a committed far-left dangerous liberal and Democrat.  Never convicted, never punished, never repented. Rewarded with a professorship at the University of Chicago, Obama's home town.  Funny how that works, isn't it?  Rumor has it he ghost-wrote "Dreams From My Father," B. Hussein Obama's little book that launched his political career.  I'm guessing his target was a "Bomb Free Zone."

Harris and Klebold:  Columbine High School shooters. Families Progressive Liberal Democrats and leftists.  Another "Gun Free Zone," of course.

And to this list we add...

Elliot Rodger:  Mass murderer and privileged child of Progressive leftists and registered Democrat parents who knifed and killed three, shot and killed three, and drove over four more in Isla Vista, using a $45,000 BMW provided by his doting daddy.  The entire town of Santa Barbara, and the state in which it's located, is effectively a "Gun Free Zone."  

So what do all these crazed, godless killers have in common?

They are all Democrats.  And they all looked for "Gun Free Zones" in which to do their evil.  They may be crazy, but they're not stupid.  They know it's best to look for victims in a place where they're not likely to face armed resistance.  They all want to go out in a blaze of glory, but for some unknown reason need to take a few innocents with them.  Is there a better place to do that then a "Gun Free Zone?"

Doubt me?  Then ask yourself this:  Why there is never a mass shooting at gun shows or police stations?

So how do we end mass murder?  

A):  We could outlaw Democrats from buying knives over, say, two inches in length, any guns at all, ever, and anything bigger than Smart Cars, which would simply bounce off pedestrians, leaving only a slight bruise on their shins, which they could then have treated under Obamacare at their local hospital...if the hospital takes Obamacare, which is far from a given.  Of course, there's probably someone somewhere who would object to my solution because of that pesky 2nd Amendment, which unfortunately applies to Democrats also.  

If so, B):  We could simply change all those plaintive, ridiculous, worthless, nonsensical, dangerous and stupid signs announcing "Gun Free Zone," to "Gun - and Democrat - Free Zone."  I mean, Democrats believe passing more laws will fix the problem, right?  And they always follow the law, always, right?  

Well, with the possible exceptions of those named above...

You don't have to thank me.  It's why God put me here...  

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Department of Scandal Abatement.

Those who know me know I'm a prodigious, accomplished, acclaimed blogger, author, poet, statesman, pool hustler, great white hunter, amateur racing legend, chili chef, marketing and sales genius, humorist and dedicated patriot. 

Or at least, a blogger.

So, having all that on my professional curriculum vitae (resume, to you know-nothings), I wrote the White House and asked to interview our glorious POTUS.  And then, hearing nothing, I wrote again.  And again.

Finally, after what seemed an eternity (it truly seems like an eternity since that guy was elected!), I got a call saying my request had been granted.  Off to D.C. I went, ready to ask our Insurance-Salesman-in-Chief all the questions you'd ask if only you had the chance.  And here's how it went down...

Chuckmeister:  Thank you, Mr. President, for granting me this interview.  

POTUS:  No problem, Chuckmeister, glad to do it.  Just make it snappy.  I have a 1:00 p.m. tee-time.  And you know nothing's going to keep me from that.

Chuckmeister:  Okay then.  Mr. President, you said you would be conducting an investigation about the "Fast and Furious" gun-running scheme that shipped thousands of military-style "assault" rifles paid for with Stimulus Funds to the Mexican drug cartels.  When will we be getting an answer back on that? 

POTUS:  Yeah, I read about that in the papers.  I'm really angry about that.  Really angry!  In fact, I shall not rest until we've appointed a commission, studied it in-depth and arrived at a conclusion as to how this could have possibly happened. But in the meantime, I really cannot talk about it.  It's under investigation, you know.

Chuckmeister:  You stated that the IRS' targeting of conservative groups who had made applications for tax-exempt status was outrageous and that you would be investigating it.  Have you reached a conclusion on that investigation?  

POTUS:  Just like you, I wouldn't have known about that if I hadn't seen it on the news.  And I am outraged that a few bone-headed mistakes in some regional IRS office somewhere occurred, but there's not a smidgen of corruption, I'm sure. Not even a smidgen!  But, I have ordered an investigation and I shall not rest until we get to the bottom of it. Until then, I can't talk about it, you know.

Chuckmeister:  Our Consulate in Benghazi was under attack for more than 11 hours, Mr. President, and no one did anything to save the four Americans who were killed that night. You said you'd be conducting an investigation.  How's that working out?

POTUS:  I am outraged that an awful video by some shadowy character could have had such a result.  Which, by the way, I learned about in the media.  I have called for an investigation and I won't rest until we get to the bottom of it. Thank God for the Mainstream Media.  Otherwise I wouldn't have known about it at all.  

Chuckmeister:  How about the fact that your "Cash for Clunkers" program wound up costing billions, effected the environment and gas mileage not a whit, and demolished millions of starter cars that little Johnnie and Julie would have used to get to their job at McDonalds?  

POTUS:  Yeah, I learned about that on the evening news. NBC, I think it was.  I am angry it worked out that way.  Really angry!  I've called on my Cabinet to investigate it and get back to me on how to make sure the next time we try to micromanage the economy and involve the Government in things it shouldn't be messing with, it works out better.  In fact, I promise not to rest until we get that answer. 

But I can tell  you MickeyD's should pay their workers at least $10.10 an hour, or maybe $15, or even more, I mean, those fast food joints can afford it, right?  And if they did, then kids could afford better cars, right?  They wouldn't have to concern themselves that I destroyed hundreds of thousands of starter cars via "Cash for Clunkers."  And without ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS, CNN and MSPMS, I wouldn't have been aware of the extent of this problem.

Chuckmeister:  Mr. President, could you tell me and my readers why you've decided to use the EPA to kill more than 250,000 jobs in coal mines nationwide, and quite possibly double our electric bills?

POTUS:  Am I doing that?  Funny.  I haven't seen that on the news yet.  If that is happening, and I'm not sure that if it is, I am really angry!  I promise not to rest until we get to the bottom of it.  In fact, I think I'll order an investigation. But until we get the results back, I, of course, won't be able to comment on it.

Chuckmeister:  And then there's the VA scandal.  We know your transition team was advised back in 2008 that there were serious problems with the VA delivering quality healthcare to our veterans, and we know you promised to make it the signature effort of your presidency.  Can you tell us how this managed to get so screwed up?

POTUS:  Yes, I just saw that on CNN.  I can tell you that this has me outraged!  I have sent my Assistant Secretarial Deputy Associate Chief of Veterans Healthcare Affairs to Las Vegas to check this out.  And if it turns out that there's anything to this accusation, and I'm not sure there is, well then I'm going to be even more angry!  And then I'll order an investigation, of course.  And once I do, you understand I won't be able to discuss it until the investigation is complete. And I tell you I won't rest until we get to the bottom of this!  

Chuckmeister:  And then there's the NSA snooping on ordinary average American citizens.  Are you okay with that?

POTUS:  Just learned about that in the newspaper, Chuckmeister.  Thankfully we have an independent media that keeps me informed of such things.  I have to tell you, this makes me really, really angry.  I mean, who do they think they are?  I promise to investigate this thoroughly.  And I won't rest at all until we get to the bottom of it.  Not at all.  Of course, until the results from the investigation are in, you'll understand I can't comment on it.

Just about the time I was preparing another question to ask the TelePrompTer-in-Chief, I awoke in a start.  I sat straight up in bed, sweating profusely.  It was the middle of the night.  I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and then realized it had all been a dream.  And a bad one, at that.  I tried my best to get back to sleep, but couldn't. I was beset with the knowledge that these were not the only questions that should be asked of the Vacationer-in-Chief, and that they were the questions that likely wouldn't be asked by our sycophantic pantywaist Media. And, perhaps more importantly, there will be many, many more to come.

In fact, I decided that night, laying in bed, that what our Government really needs is a Department of Scandal Abatement.  It should be a Secretarial, Cabinet position, to make sure that when a scandal pops up, as they do just about every week now, we will have a place to send them.  A place where they will be fully and completely investigated so that the Community Organizer-in-Chief will have all the answers he needs so he can finally get some rest.

Being POTUS is tiring, you know...

Friday, June 6, 2014

Mexican-American War, Part Deux

Okay, here it is.  I'm sick and tired of our cousins from down south treating us and our country like their own personal ATM.

I'm sick and tired of them expecting us to take in their main export - poor and ignorant, illegal alien undocumented Democrats - and feed, and house, and educate, and welcome them heartily, while they treat our folks like garbage in return. California even gives them driver's licenses, for Christ's sake! Imagine what we'd give them if they were, oh, I don't know, rapists, murderers and identity thieves?  Oh yeah, we already do that.  We turn them loose from our over-capacity prisons to roam free and ply their trade...crime! 

Example?  How about Marine Sergeant Andrew Tahmooressi?  Arrested, charged, jailed, stripped naked, tortured, beaten, jaw dislocated and chained to his bunk for making the very reasonable mistake of missing a turn and winding up in that world-class toilet known as Tijuana. Because the crossing is so convoluted, I, myself, have made that mistake twice.  Without negative consequences, thank God.  Those of you living in a better part of North America, which is almost any part of North America, need to know.  It's very, very easy to do.   

Two months he's been held.  Why doesn't our President pick up his famous "I don't need no stinkin' Congress!" phone and call Meheeeko's Prez and demand our Marine's release?  Or, maybe take out his famous pen and write his counterpart down south a nice, smarmy little "apology" note? 

Why doesn't our Secretary of State do the same?  All he has to do is issue a "Travel Advisory" for Mexico and their vacay visitors will be reduced to a trickle.  And their supply of dollars will be cut off dramatically.  Do you know how many tacos you can buy with pesos?  Not too many.  

Are they cowards?  Or is it that they just don't give a damn?  

In any event, I think it's time that we, the American citizens, take matters into our own hands.  As a decorated military veteran and one considered armed and potentially quite dangerous by all who know me, but a fun-loving, party-type guy, nonetheless, I have conjured up a plan to go in and get our imprisoned comrade, as well as mounting a coup to take over their beautiful, but horribly mismanaged country.  And, I need your help to make it a reality.  So here goes...

First, we go to a couple of patriotic Chevy and Ford dealers and get them to loan us some big ass SUVs.  Big enough to hold, say, six or seven slightly overweight, aging veterans. I'm guessing that a dozen or so Suburbans and Expeditions should do.  

Second, we ask for veteran volunteers.  I'm talking Vietnam, Panama, Desert Storm and Iraq/Afghan vets who have volunteered before and are no strangers to combat.  I'm talking about guys who know what's it like to go toward the sound of gunfire.  Unlike almost anyone who serves in Foggy Bottom these days, by the way.  

Guys who are majorly pissed about the way our country's been treated by the Mexicans and the crap they've been shoveling our way for decades and want a little retribution. Figure six per SUV, times a dozen SUVs, we're talking maybe 70 - 75 big, bulky, paunchy - but pissed - ex-military guys would be enough.

Third, we get a some gun stores to loan us a few dozen "Assault Rifles."  Now, you know what they are, right?  They're those scary black guns and look like they belong in the hands of the military...even though they don't.  They're more properly called "Modern Sporting Rifles."  They are the most  popular rifles in America, by far, for target shooting, hunting and self-protection.  They are semi-automatic, meaning they fire once for every time you pull the trigger.  They are not "machine guns," as there have been no civilian machine guns for sale here in your local gun store since Al Capone was frog-marched into Alcatraz.  But there's no shortage of lefty, commie dumbasses in D.C. and the Dinosaur Media who would like you to believe otherwise. They are "black rifles," and that's why the lefty scardycat weenies hate them.  

But our POTUS, who seems to lie when the truth would sound better, and our V.P. "Sheriff" Joe, who only makes a fool of himself when he opens his mouth, and Lady Di Feinstein, who must have been scared as a kid by a gun and now is on a tear to outlaw them all, and Little Mikey Bloomberg, the miniature ex-NYC mayor who is using his immense wealth to make sure nobody in America has any fun at all, and Big Mikey Moore, the porky gasbag docucraperie maker, and a whole cadre of commies who want us disarmed so that it would be easier for the lefty politicians to take over the country without any fear of armed resistance from the proletariat, make it their business to lie to you about guns. 

But, for the purposes of this little rant, and plan, we'll call them "Assault Rifles," and ask our friendly gun store managers to loan us a few.  Like, one per volunteer vet.  Oh, and the ammunition they require.  We probably won't need much ammo for the reasons outlined below.

Fourth, we get backing from a couple of millionaire patriots with some serious cash.  I'm thinking Mitt Romney, for one. He's got to be pissed for having been beaten in his bid for POTUS by a guy without a single redeeming virtue, except for being able to read from a TelePrompTer, that is.  Say, a million bucks.  In twenties. Crisp and new.  In bundles.  And in briefcases.  Still with me?

Fifth, and now it gets interesting.  There's supposed to be about 103 Million Mexicans.  Now, you and I know that at least 15 or 20 million of them are already here, so that leaves no more than, say, 80 - 85 million there.  And the ones with any money, the ones who would be able to buy guns to defend themselves, if they were of such a mind, the members of the 500 or so families that control the country, are probably here also, visiting in Beverly Hills and La Jolla and Lost Wages, living it up in their "other" home.  So, the folks left in Mexico are peons without the means to protect themselves - remember, guns are illegal in Mexico - and the military, which is corrupt and easily bought off.  We know that's true; the drug cartels have been buying them off for decades.

So, at a given time, say 2:00 o'clock on a hot summer Tuesday afternoon, when our southern cousins are beginning to take their siestas, our vets pile into their SUVs, with briefcases full of cash, and their AR-15s, loaded and at the ready, and position themselves at every major border crossing from San Diego to Brownsville.  And then, all at once, on cue, they crash through the borders, windows down, wind in their hair, if they still have any hair, and begin tossing crisp $20 bills in the direction of the crooked border guards. The guards would be so busy scrambling for the money on the ground that they wouldn't give a good goddam about who's blowing through their crappy little border crossings.  And then our boys would have nothing between them and Mexico City except a thousand miles and a stray military guy or two, who they'd simply buy off as needed.  

Who knows?  Some of the Mexican military might defect and join our guys in their little quest.

Within a few hours all our guys would be in the Capitol and have already mounted their coup. Their Prez out, one of our guys in.  I'm guessing we'd be able to take the country without firing a shot.  And the people there, who hate their government and the oligarchs who run it, would welcome us as liberators.  We could even offer them green cards if they'd help us manage that country's morass of horsepucky.  And don't tell me offering them green cards would be anything new.  Our Golfer-in-Chief is doing it now, right?  

One thing's for sure, we couldn't do worse then they have in running their country.  And we might do a lot better.  And everybody, them and us, would be far better off for the effort.

Now what, Mr. Chuckmeister?  What happens next?  Well, dear reader, thank you for asking.  I have the answer.  Pour a nice glass of Cab, cooled to a near perfect 60 degrees, sit back, and learn.  

We offer the Mexicans who have broken into our country the chance to keep what they've stolen from us, and we'll keep what we've just stolen from them. They can have Compton, and Lost Angeles, and El Centro, and the other piece-of-crap towns they have ruined and we'll take the pristine 4,000 miles of white sand beaches stretching up and down the Baja and the Mainland.  

We'll build Hyatt Regencies and Crowne Plazas and Sheratons and "W's" and maybe even some Holiday Inns. And they can keep the country they've ruined.  They can have what they call "Aztlan," and we'll take what they chose to leave behind.  And once we do, don't be trying to break into our country - you know, the one we've just stolen - by coming back south across what you call "La Frontera (you can't even bring yourselves to call it the "Border," can you?).  You made your hammock and now you're gonna' have to lay in it.  I'm going to position the ex-military guys who we used to mount our coup on the border, with guns pointed north, just waiting for you to try.  Don't try...

Think that's extreme?  Mexico has their military on their border with Nicaragua, Guatemala and Honduras, equipped with nice, shiny machine guns, all loaded up, just waiting for any refugees to head their way.  And they will shoot them if they try.  They have.  They will.  The die has been cast here, people.

What do you think of my little plan?  If you're in, simply write me with your contact information and I'll start getting the parts and pieces ready.  And remember to bring your own camouflage.  Maybe in the aftermath of our Mexican-American War, Part Deux, we can come up with a better result than we did with the last one...