Friday, June 6, 2014

Mexican-American War, Part Deux

Okay, here it is.  I'm sick and tired of our cousins from down south treating us and our country like their own personal ATM.

I'm sick and tired of them expecting us to take in their main export - poor and ignorant, illegal alien undocumented Democrats - and feed, and house, and educate, and welcome them heartily, while they treat our folks like garbage in return. California even gives them driver's licenses, for Christ's sake! Imagine what we'd give them if they were, oh, I don't know, rapists, murderers and identity thieves?  Oh yeah, we already do that.  We turn them loose from our over-capacity prisons to roam free and ply their trade...crime! 

Example?  How about Marine Sergeant Andrew Tahmooressi?  Arrested, charged, jailed, stripped naked, tortured, beaten, jaw dislocated and chained to his bunk for making the very reasonable mistake of missing a turn and winding up in that world-class toilet known as Tijuana. Because the crossing is so convoluted, I, myself, have made that mistake twice.  Without negative consequences, thank God.  Those of you living in a better part of North America, which is almost any part of North America, need to know.  It's very, very easy to do.   

Two months he's been held.  Why doesn't our President pick up his famous "I don't need no stinkin' Congress!" phone and call Meheeeko's Prez and demand our Marine's release?  Or, maybe take out his famous pen and write his counterpart down south a nice, smarmy little "apology" note? 

Why doesn't our Secretary of State do the same?  All he has to do is issue a "Travel Advisory" for Mexico and their vacay visitors will be reduced to a trickle.  And their supply of dollars will be cut off dramatically.  Do you know how many tacos you can buy with pesos?  Not too many.  

Are they cowards?  Or is it that they just don't give a damn?  

In any event, I think it's time that we, the American citizens, take matters into our own hands.  As a decorated military veteran and one considered armed and potentially quite dangerous by all who know me, but a fun-loving, party-type guy, nonetheless, I have conjured up a plan to go in and get our imprisoned comrade, as well as mounting a coup to take over their beautiful, but horribly mismanaged country.  And, I need your help to make it a reality.  So here goes...

First, we go to a couple of patriotic Chevy and Ford dealers and get them to loan us some big ass SUVs.  Big enough to hold, say, six or seven slightly overweight, aging veterans. I'm guessing that a dozen or so Suburbans and Expeditions should do.  

Second, we ask for veteran volunteers.  I'm talking Vietnam, Panama, Desert Storm and Iraq/Afghan vets who have volunteered before and are no strangers to combat.  I'm talking about guys who know what's it like to go toward the sound of gunfire.  Unlike almost anyone who serves in Foggy Bottom these days, by the way.  

Guys who are majorly pissed about the way our country's been treated by the Mexicans and the crap they've been shoveling our way for decades and want a little retribution. Figure six per SUV, times a dozen SUVs, we're talking maybe 70 - 75 big, bulky, paunchy - but pissed - ex-military guys would be enough.

Third, we get a some gun stores to loan us a few dozen "Assault Rifles."  Now, you know what they are, right?  They're those scary black guns and look like they belong in the hands of the military...even though they don't.  They're more properly called "Modern Sporting Rifles."  They are the most  popular rifles in America, by far, for target shooting, hunting and self-protection.  They are semi-automatic, meaning they fire once for every time you pull the trigger.  They are not "machine guns," as there have been no civilian machine guns for sale here in your local gun store since Al Capone was frog-marched into Alcatraz.  But there's no shortage of lefty, commie dumbasses in D.C. and the Dinosaur Media who would like you to believe otherwise. They are "black rifles," and that's why the lefty scardycat weenies hate them.  

But our POTUS, who seems to lie when the truth would sound better, and our V.P. "Sheriff" Joe, who only makes a fool of himself when he opens his mouth, and Lady Di Feinstein, who must have been scared as a kid by a gun and now is on a tear to outlaw them all, and Little Mikey Bloomberg, the miniature ex-NYC mayor who is using his immense wealth to make sure nobody in America has any fun at all, and Big Mikey Moore, the porky gasbag docucraperie maker, and a whole cadre of commies who want us disarmed so that it would be easier for the lefty politicians to take over the country without any fear of armed resistance from the proletariat, make it their business to lie to you about guns. 

But, for the purposes of this little rant, and plan, we'll call them "Assault Rifles," and ask our friendly gun store managers to loan us a few.  Like, one per volunteer vet.  Oh, and the ammunition they require.  We probably won't need much ammo for the reasons outlined below.

Fourth, we get backing from a couple of millionaire patriots with some serious cash.  I'm thinking Mitt Romney, for one. He's got to be pissed for having been beaten in his bid for POTUS by a guy without a single redeeming virtue, except for being able to read from a TelePrompTer, that is.  Say, a million bucks.  In twenties. Crisp and new.  In bundles.  And in briefcases.  Still with me?

Fifth, and now it gets interesting.  There's supposed to be about 103 Million Mexicans.  Now, you and I know that at least 15 or 20 million of them are already here, so that leaves no more than, say, 80 - 85 million there.  And the ones with any money, the ones who would be able to buy guns to defend themselves, if they were of such a mind, the members of the 500 or so families that control the country, are probably here also, visiting in Beverly Hills and La Jolla and Lost Wages, living it up in their "other" home.  So, the folks left in Mexico are peons without the means to protect themselves - remember, guns are illegal in Mexico - and the military, which is corrupt and easily bought off.  We know that's true; the drug cartels have been buying them off for decades.

So, at a given time, say 2:00 o'clock on a hot summer Tuesday afternoon, when our southern cousins are beginning to take their siestas, our vets pile into their SUVs, with briefcases full of cash, and their AR-15s, loaded and at the ready, and position themselves at every major border crossing from San Diego to Brownsville.  And then, all at once, on cue, they crash through the borders, windows down, wind in their hair, if they still have any hair, and begin tossing crisp $20 bills in the direction of the crooked border guards. The guards would be so busy scrambling for the money on the ground that they wouldn't give a good goddam about who's blowing through their crappy little border crossings.  And then our boys would have nothing between them and Mexico City except a thousand miles and a stray military guy or two, who they'd simply buy off as needed.  

Who knows?  Some of the Mexican military might defect and join our guys in their little quest.

Within a few hours all our guys would be in the Capitol and have already mounted their coup. Their Prez out, one of our guys in.  I'm guessing we'd be able to take the country without firing a shot.  And the people there, who hate their government and the oligarchs who run it, would welcome us as liberators.  We could even offer them green cards if they'd help us manage that country's morass of horsepucky.  And don't tell me offering them green cards would be anything new.  Our Golfer-in-Chief is doing it now, right?  

One thing's for sure, we couldn't do worse then they have in running their country.  And we might do a lot better.  And everybody, them and us, would be far better off for the effort.

Now what, Mr. Chuckmeister?  What happens next?  Well, dear reader, thank you for asking.  I have the answer.  Pour a nice glass of Cab, cooled to a near perfect 60 degrees, sit back, and learn.  

We offer the Mexicans who have broken into our country the chance to keep what they've stolen from us, and we'll keep what we've just stolen from them. They can have Compton, and Lost Angeles, and El Centro, and the other piece-of-crap towns they have ruined and we'll take the pristine 4,000 miles of white sand beaches stretching up and down the Baja and the Mainland.  

We'll build Hyatt Regencies and Crowne Plazas and Sheratons and "W's" and maybe even some Holiday Inns. And they can keep the country they've ruined.  They can have what they call "Aztlan," and we'll take what they chose to leave behind.  And once we do, don't be trying to break into our country - you know, the one we've just stolen - by coming back south across what you call "La Frontera (you can't even bring yourselves to call it the "Border," can you?).  You made your hammock and now you're gonna' have to lay in it.  I'm going to position the ex-military guys who we used to mount our coup on the border, with guns pointed north, just waiting for you to try.  Don't try...

Think that's extreme?  Mexico has their military on their border with Nicaragua, Guatemala and Honduras, equipped with nice, shiny machine guns, all loaded up, just waiting for any refugees to head their way.  And they will shoot them if they try.  They have.  They will.  The die has been cast here, people.

What do you think of my little plan?  If you're in, simply write me with your contact information and I'll start getting the parts and pieces ready.  And remember to bring your own camouflage.  Maybe in the aftermath of our Mexican-American War, Part Deux, we can come up with a better result than we did with the last one...

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