Okay, fellow Pilgrims, after having given the idea quite a bit of thought, for more than a couple of minutes, at least, I've decided to hereby announce my candidacy for President of these here United States. Now now, of course, in 2024!
We know that The Donald will cruise to reelection come November 3rd, even considering the tens of thousands of dead Chicagoans, and a dead Supreme Court Justice, I'm thinking, who just might crawl from the crypt and vote for Biden. Twice. Or even more...
So The Donald will rule for another four years, no doubt solving during that term every single remaining problem our Representative Republic might still have. I mean, he's already solved most of them, so there shouldn't be too much left to solve. So I'm throwing my hat in the digital ring to announce that I want to run to replace him, knowing that I'll be older than the proverbial hills, meaning I won't be able to do much of anything meaningful, except crack inane jokes and make funny little animal sounds with my mouth, but also that there won't be so very much of anything meaningful left to do.
In short, like the Hippocratic Oath demands, "First, do no harm," I won't do anything, which means nothing will get harmed.
Buuuuuut, I figure that by then the Democrats will be frothing at the mouth to get back into the White House. They froth at the mouth anyway, but hey, I don't cast aspersions. And mouth frothing is a Constitutionally-protected activity in the DNC(LOL), I'm pretty sure, so far be it from me to complain. Anyway, I figure they'll be loaded for bear when that next General Election campaign season gets here, so I've decided to take a page out of their playbook. Remember when good ol' Joe promised during the primaries to pick both a woman and a Black for SCOTUS? Yeah, well I'm going to announce in advance my selection criteria for my Vice President. Ready? Here goes...
My V.P. will be a woman, of course, but not necessarily a biological woman. She/he/it might well be a trans woman, which means she'd be a man anywhere but Taxifornia, thus permitting me to choose two genders simulfriggintaneously. Am I smart, or what?
She'll/he'll/it'll also be part African-American, part Samoan, part Gypsy, part Native American, and part Albanian. S/h/it'll also be suffering from myasthenia gravis, gout, diabetes, numerous autoimmune diseases and the "heartbreak of psoriasis." Whatever it is will speak six languages including "rap." And be able to juggle. And be a practicing Muslim. Although I don't think that takes much practice. A Muslim that threatens to kill us if we don't elect s/h/it. Also, "America's Got Talent" winners will be given preference.
That little problem behind me, I'll then try and decide just what evil forces will be trying to keep me from attaining my goal. I'll be trying to decide whether, in fact, I have a chance to attain the Oval Office. And here are those nagging details:
I should have the backing of:
- Republicans and Conservatives everywhere.
- Plus Democrats who may be ready to leave the plantation.
- Annnnd, evangelical Christians.
- Nearly every single member of the military worldwide.
- Let's add in most police and fire personnel about here.
- Plus a couple of TV stations, a few radio stations, a dozen or so newspapers and a smattering of websites.
That's seems pretty good, right? Quite a bit of backing, right Pilgrim? I might be able to win with these, right?
The following will be doing their level best to make sure I don't emerge victorious:
- Democrats and Socialists and Communists and Marxists and Neo-Cons.
- Plus Atheists and Druids and those who wear those funny little pink hats.
- And those who don't wish to be bound by that "...pursuit of happiness" thing. Just give them happiness, no pursuit deemed necessary.
- Let's not forget the proud members of "Antifa" and "Black Lives Matters" and others who riot and pillage and plunder and vandalize and burn and loot and hurt and kill and shine lasers into eyes of police officer in an effort to permanently blind them.
- Annnnd, university and college professors across America.
- Right about here we add in all environmental wackos in all their radiant glory. All those who want fracking ended and airlines shut down. Those who want cars taken off the road and nuclear power plants decommissioned. And those who want plastic straws and individual freedoms outlawed.
- Let's include all union leaders and the members they've been able to cower into voting Democrat. Probably several times.
- Be sure to include illegal aliens who haven't started voting yet, meaning those who don't live in San Franpoopco, but fully intend to just as soon as Biden gets elected.
- Plus, up to 85% of Black people and about half of Hispanics and nearly every single Big City Jew. For no apparent reason that I can deduce.
- And every inner-city dweller on welfare.
- Let's include here nearly every member of the National Basketball Association and the National Football League and the Women's National Basketball League and our Olympic Women's Soccer Team.
- And everyone who used to live in - but now currently resides at - cemeteries throughout Chicago, and Philadelphia, and Baltimore, and New York City.
- Plus ABC and CBS and NBC and CNN and MSPMS, and NPR, and PBS, and CNBC and the Associated Press and the Hearst Corporation.
- And let's not forget the ACLU and the NAACP and the Southern Poverty Law Center and lawyers' bar associations nationwide.
- And websites like Buzzfeed, and the Huffington Post, and Vox, and MediaMatters.Org, and MoveOn. Org, and Slate, and the Daily Beast, and Bloomberg, and Netflix, and Amazon, and Politico, and Salon, and Axios, and Mediaite and, and, and...
- And magazines like The Atlantic, and Newsweek, and Time, and Cosmo, and People, and and the Atlantic and Newsweek and Cosmo and Time.
- The House of Representatives. Not all of them. Just the Democrats in the majority. And hopefully not all of them. Just those who aren't yet "hippppmotizzzed."
- Plus, more than 1,100 TV stations and 3,300 radio stations and 1,700 newspapers across the Fruited Plain.
- And, in summation, just in case there's somebody out there who's missed the glaring point, Google, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and nearly every other social media site you could possibly imagine.