Tuesday, January 26, 2021

"Loping the Mule..."

I read somewhere that masturbating too much can make one squint.

And we know that must be true, as they used to tell us that too much "loping the mule" can make you go blind.  Playboy tried its best to poke holes in that theory way back when, but it still persists in some quarters.  Unfortunately.

But some of us may not have given up the habit.  Some of us may not have learned that "flogging the doggie" too much is not a good idea.  Although a rite of passage for our yout (what's a yout?), most of us grow out of routinely "yanking the wanger" or "whipping the whippet" by the attainment of our young adulthood.  We usually find another way to reduce those raging hormones other than too much "manipulating the unit" or "choking the chicken."  

"Another way," get it?  I knew you would.

But some of us may still be "taking the lizard out for a walk."  Some of us may still be "shaking hands with the milkman" and have not yet seen fit to grow out of this activity, I'm sorry to say.  Some still engage in "manual override" and "lone rangering" instead of the more excepted pursuits.  

Yes, some of us are still "paddling the pink canoe," as they say.  "Going out with Rosie Palm and her four daughters,"  they are.  Fellow Pilgrims, It's obvious to me that some of us may not in fact have stopped "spanking the monkey" quite as much as they should have.  However, I think I read somewhere that even reduced "monkey-spanking" can still leave residual physical evidence.  Physical evidence of increased "squinting."  As in eyes narrowed down to just a mere slit.  As in almost can't see through them.  Want some proof?

Did you ever wonder what good ol' Joe was doing in his basement for all of 2020?  Have you watched any of his speeches lately?   

Sunday, January 24, 2021

There is But One...

(BTW, and that means "by the way," for those who are unaware, The Chuckmeister, famed author, lecturer, wino, Big Game Hunter, journeyman welder, transgender- and Black-identifier and all-around Nice Guy,  will opine on any subject, at anytime, for any reason.  Even, one should know, on topics about which he has absolutely no knowledge whatsoever.  However, every now and then a subject comes over the transom about which He knows pretty much everything.  This is one such subject.  And the information it conveys should scare the crap out of you...)

                                       //////////   ==========   \\\\\\\\\\

Two factoids you should know:

1.     Since 2006, Mexican drug cartels have killed more than 160,000 of their own citizens.

2.     There is but one, single, solitary gun store in the entire country of Mexico, and it's located inside the Main Police Station in beautiful downtown Mexico City.

Ahem...    

This location is not conducive either to those citizens located hundreds, or even thousands of miles away, or those who would rather not have to interact with the gendarmes when buying a weapon they may have to use to protect themselves...against the gendarmes.

Ergo, Mexico is pretty much unarmed.  Except for the drug cartels, of course, which are better armed than Mexico's military.  It seems you can buy all the guns you want when you have a few $Billion in cash.  And the above referenced murder statistics tend to indicate that fact.  One has to wonder, I would think, whether that statistic would differ were a significant percentage of Mexico's population armed.  

Like in America.  Where more than one-third of our population owns some 450 million guns.  And 1 in 20 are carrying concealed.  These statistics happen not to be conducive to the mass murder of innocent civilians by armed thugs as it's been in Mexico for the past couple of decades.  Fortunately.

Then Admiral Yamamoto, Commander of Japan's WW2 navy, when asked why his country didn't invade America when it had the chance, stated, "Behind every blade of grass there is an American with a rifle."  What he said...

I think a reasonable person, even one who favors more stringent gun control laws, has to concede that a disarmed America could become the newest Mexico.  I trust the weenies now in charge in Foggy Bottom will consider these facts when drafting their new anti-gun legislation.  Which they're sure to do.  And since they have proven themselves to know absolutely nothing about guns, such negotiations will most like occur in a bar.  In Georgetown.  On a Saturday night.  Late...

Oh yeah, as I head out the "Digital Door," please allow me to highlight the fact that Chicago also has but one. single. gun. store.  And it's located inside the Main Police Station in Downtown Chicago.  I kid thee not.  And it's only open on Thursdays between 10:00 and 2:00.  Which no doubt makes it readily available to those hard-working Chicagoans wishing to afford themselves of their 2nd Amendment Rights...

And it's also made Chicago the Mexico of the United States...

Friday, January 22, 2021

Cause and Effect...

I think I've been exercising too much.

Yeah, that's it.  Waaaay too much!  I'm thinking that's where all those aches and pains are coming from.  I didn't used to have them when I was younger, and I didn't used to exercise so much.  So...VOILA!...putting two and two together, I must be exercising too much!

Cause and effect, doncha' know.

Occam's Razor tells us that.  The simplest explanation for a problem is almost always the correct one.  And trust me, a simple person arrived at the answer to this problem.

Who was Occam?  Not sure.  But he had a razor, and we're all thankful for that...

No, fellow Patriots, I read somewhere this morning that many of us are exercising too strenuously and need to back up a bit.  Especially our most seasoned citizens, which in this "day and age" of Identity Politics, includes "moi."  So I'm backing up on the leg lifts and the crunches and the sit ups and the bench presses a little bit.  Well, actually more than a little.  So far back they no longer exist.  Different zip code, do you hear me? 

I mean, think about it:  How do we know for sure there's not an absolute maximum number of leg lifts authorized to each of us by God?  And if we were to reach that Magic Number, somehow, our legs just wouldn't lift anymore?  And then where would we be?  I ask you, fellow health enthusiast, fellow gym rat, where would be we beHmmmmm?  

Hadn't thought about that before, now had you?  

So, discretion being the better part of valor (I wish I'd come up with that saying!), I've decided to reorder my work-out routine considerably.  I'll now consider other activities previously not included in my workout routine, such as getting up and going to the bathroom in the middle of the night to take a pee, as "working out."  Tough to pull a muscle taking a pee, even though my doctor told me not to lift anything heavy.

Ahem.  

Cause and effect, doncha' know.

Taking out the trash around The Chuckmeister's expansive abode shall also henceforth be called "working out."  So, I'll now be adding the taking-out-of-trash as a part of my workout routine.  There's a lot of bending and stooping and carrying associated with taking out the trash.  So there's that.  And cooking?  Yes, cooking can also be strenuous, doncha' know.  You could hurt yourselves cooking!  And so cooking is up there with curls and deep knee bends (deep knee bends?  Are you kidding me?).  So cooking's "working out" from now on. 

"Two eggs over easy, sausage, bicep curls, hash browns, sit-ups..."  I mean, that 12" skillet is hev-veee! 

And what about shopping?  One must go grocery shopping at least weekly for necessary provisions, like coffee, flour, bacon and beans, and that involves a lot of lifting and bagging.  Which can be considered exercise if you loosen up the definition just a little.  Which is why God put me here today; to loosen up the definition a little bit.  For my seasoned friends and neighbors.

Cause and effect.

And also to let you know there's that direct "cause and effect" thing they tell us is now going on.  If you're doing something and something results, even if totally unrelated to the original "something," then you're hereby authorized by me, The Chuckmeister, to connect their dots to that other something.  You can then therefore cease doing that something with the hope that the other something...will stop.

If you understood that, get back to me.

Hey there, fellow Pilgrims, you now have authority to redefine your workout routine to fit your lifestyle.  No more Peloton for you?  How about a "pillow, son?," instead?  Heh, heh!  That was a little joke there.  Anyhoo, no more getting up early to do something you don't want to do.  How about getting up late and simply redefining some of your normal daily activities as exercise?  The net result will be a happier you and you'll have an extra hour back in your day.

Oh, the aches and pains will still be there, unfortunately, but you won't need to shower quite as often...   

Wednesday, January 20, 2021

The Sinus Rythym of Politics.

Eleven years ago, almost to the day, one B. Hussein Obama was immaculated to the Presidency of these here United States.

And he immediately set about undoing  Every. Single. Thing. that President George W. Bush had put into place during his 8 years in office.  He could do so because of Article One, Section II, Paragraph I of the Constitution of the United States.  This bunch of verbiage gives our POTUS not only the right, but the obligation, to make pronouncements carrying the force of law via Executive Orders (E.O.'s).  

The POTUS, you see, has his hand on America's tiller, so he might see stuff happening quicker than the Congress could adequately respond.  Quick enough so that he might have to make snap decisions; decisions in the form of Executive Orders covering damn near anything under the Sun without having to wait for actual laws to be passed.  He can order us around as if we're his serfs via these Orders unless his orders are deemed unconstitutional by some judge somewhere or the Congress sees fit to tell him "No!"  

And the Congress has proven itself almost completely unwilling to engage in these fights over rights of late.  As a matter of fact, the Congress has been offloading its authority to the Executive little by little over the past couple few decades.  Maybe just letting the Prezzz make up his own laws is quicker, easier and simpler than doing the actual work of governing.  Governing is work, after all, and many of our most recent electees are proving themselves allergic to work.  And permitting the POTUS to act as if he was Emperor also enables them to sidestep most all responsibility for his actions.  

So a new POTUS comes in and immediately writes a bunch of E.O.'s.  E.O.'s reversing the E.O.'s of his predecessor.  Just like Trump did to Obama when he arrived at the Orval Orifice.  And just like O'Biden will do this morning when he moves out of his basement and heads off to D.C.  The "sinus rhythm of American Politics," I call it.  Just like the wave on that green-screened machine in the ICU you've seen so often, it goes up...and then down...and then back up.  Up and down.  Up and down.  It's enough to make one dizzy!  Trump voided Obama's E.O.'s, and O'Biden is reported to be planning to void not less than 13 of Trump's E.O's today.  And the Congress will sit back, on its hands, and watch.

Yep, fellow Pilgrims, by the end of the day POTUS O'Biden will have issued E.O.'s thwarting continued construction on our southern border wall, for which funding has already been established; he'll proclaim our previously-illegal DACA residents to be pre-citizens, giving them an 8-year pathway to citizenship; he'll stomp the brakes on the XL-Pipeline, creating a serious legal rift between us and Canada, eliminating more than 8,000 highly-paid union jobs, irritating various Indian tribes who enjoy the income from this drilling, and once again returning America to energy dependence; and he'll halt Trump's immigration holds on populations from various dangerous places.    

So O'Biden becomes POTUS.  And he'll issue a flurry of E.O.'s eliminating Trump's entire history.  Or so much of it as he is able.  Like a Presidential magic act.  Sort of like incoming Pharoahs back in Egypt's Middle Kingdom had their serfs scrub predecessor's "cartouches," or signatures, off all the monuments when they arrived.  Only those laws passed by Congress on Trump's watch will be safe; all the other "laws," i.e., E.O.s, will be erased.  All the rules and regulations that Trump eliminated will be restored.  It will be like Obama was back in town.  

For if regulative overreach is the yardstick, he will be.

Maybe this whipsawing of the American People back and forth is actually a good idea.  Maybe they need a harsh dose of reality to force intrusion into their cushy, cell phone-attached lives.  Maybe those who get their news via Yahoo or Google need to learn exactly what they just voted away.  For like the guy once said, "Democracy is the belief that the voting public know what it wants, and deserves to get it good and hard!"  They voted for a different sort of small-"d" democracy than they've been privy to during the past four.   And my guess is, even if they didn't feel the harsh touch of Big Government into their puny lives during Trump's term, they certainly will during O'Biden's.

like the guy said, "...good and hard!"  

Monday, January 18, 2021

Who Knew?

 Who knew that you could impeach a President in one day?

I mean, 

ONE DAY?  

Really?

I thought impeachment was like a Big Deal, or something.  I seem to recall being taught in civics class back in high school that impeaching a President was like a last gasp effort they'd use to fix stuff, and that it's a full-bore trial, with lawyers and people like those, with witnesses and opening statements and a stenographer and everything!  

This one  Was.  Not.  Like.  That.

San Fran Nan Pelosi, Speaker of the House of Representatives, a body which used to be filled with extra-special, well-educated accomplished people, sent there to represent their constituents interests, which is no longer true, has been pissed at The Donald since he called her a "Third Rate Politician."  And tearing up his State of the Union speech just wasn't enough payback for her, so she just had to impeach him again. 

No, not nearly enough. 

The first one was over a phone call The Donald placed to Ukraine.  Nancy didn't like the content of that phone call so she impeached him.  She can do that, it appears, being Speaker and all.  Actually, it had nothing to do with a phone call.  She was just looking for any opportunity to bury him.  Six feet under.  It failed, of course, which was pre-ordained, but hey, The Donald has a couple of days left in office now, so hey, why not impeach him again?  And since there's no chance he'd be convicted, even if he had the lawyers and the witnesses and the stenographer and stuff, she thought, what the Hell, why not an instant replay?

And if another one's good, why not another one?  

Good idea, Nan.  And, since there was no chance of convicting, why even address the niceties of lawyers and witnesses and such.  Why not just so straight forward from reading the charges to, ...HELLO!... a vote.  And if you get more votes than the sane people on the other side of the aisle, then you win!  And The Donald is impeached!  Again!

Hoooorayyyyyyyy!

Damn, that was easy!  And hey, if it was that easy, why not do it again?  The Donald has a few days left in orifice, and he can't do anything in terms of retaliation, and he can't even complain to his followers since he's been yanked off every social media platform by the Lefties that run them, completely silenced, so why not kick him when he's down and make him the very first POTUS to have been impeached for nothing, a THIRD TIME!  Yeah, why not?

So I'm suggesting that San Fran Nan go ahead and impeach The Donald yet a Third Time.  The blow-dried talking head commies at MSPMS and the Clinton News Network will have an organism over the all-day proceedings.  They will cover it breathlessly, just as though it was actual, real news.  Hey, why not?

And since they've gotten so good at it by now, they can probably complete the next one in a couple of hours or less!

Oh yeah, and by the way, you know that part up there in a preceding paragraph when I said there was nothing The Donald could do to protect himself or his reputation if Nan decided to pull the trigger once again?  I might mention that he can't, but he has 74 million voters who feel deeply screwed, and that one of them just might...

You'd have to be either really confidant in your security team's ability to protect you, or totally convinced that ALL of Trump's voters, every single one of them, will be willing to just take it on the chin one more time, like good sheeple.  If she really felt that way, then I'd have to ask just why every single one of our state capitols are on complete and total lockdown for the inauguration right now?  Just why more than 27,000 cops are currently patrolling Washington, D.C.?  It's never happened before, but it just might happen again.  And to reiterate, if we don't immediately stop this effort to silence and humble Trump's voters, and make them submit, then America is an idea whose time has come...and gone.

I dunno' about you, but if I was going to piss off a few folks, I surely wouldn't want to piss off a few already pissed off - and armed - Trump voters...

Saturday, January 16, 2021

Finally!

I've been in the closet so long I'm beginning to smell like moth balls!

Yes, fellow Patriots, I've been one of those closet "Progressives" just waiting for the chance to finally shed my cloak of faux-Conservatism and embrace the promise of socialism!

Yes, it's finally time to admit that we were wrong; that fiscal Conservatism and prudence in matters of laws and regulations and taxation designed to thwart the reach of Big Gummint is an idea whose time has come...and gone.

I mean, hey!  What's so bad about Venezuela, anyhow?  Zoo animals taste good, don't they?

No, friends and neighbors, we must now embrace reality.  We must now come to the realization that a crusty old geek who's been around longer than the Flood with questionable mental acuity and his hand in China's pocket will soon be inaugurated as our 46th President of these here United States.  A guy who's been in D.C. for more than 47 years doing nothing but taking up space.  But now my fellow Lefties-in-waiting have chosen to make him their Fearless Leader, and so shall I.  

Welcome Joe!  Welcome!

And so I also heartedly welcome his #2, Mz. Kamala Harris, our very first Southeast Asian/Dominican elected to that orifice.  And in our new "Identity Politics-dominated" culture, that stuff is very important.  She'll be our 47th President of the United States by this fall, I'm guessing, so I don't want to say anything bad about her.  No, nothing at all, especially since she's promised to come and personally take our guns, and I have quite a few as everyone knows, so I don't want to draw any unnecessary attention to myself here.  Joe will no doubt be found puttering around the Rose Garden, mumbling incoherently to himself, and she'll "25th" his bony butt right into the rearview mirror.  And then, look out!

Yes, my friends, I've always believed that screwing the rich is a good fiscal plan.  That trying to peel them like a grape so you can give their money to lackeys who refuse to work, is what the Founding Fathers truly wanted.  However, those lackeys need to vote Democrat to keep the gravy train rolling.  Otherwise we might fall back into fiscal Conservatism.  Where we spend no more than we take in and stay out of peoples' pockets and their wallets and their homes and their bedrooms and their churches.  And where we once again consider the Constitution the Law of the Land.  That outdated old document?  Can't have that, no way.  No way, Jose.  

Or Jose B, even.

So don't look my way when you're looking to purge Conservatives.  I'm one of those guys who's bailed off Trump's sinking ship, hopefully in time to avoid "the Purge."  Don't look my way during your putsch of those who disagree with your rules and regulations and policies and procedures.  Just bypass me when you launch your own "Kristallnacht."  And no, I don't need a stint in a re-education camp to reprogram me away from duty and honor and country.  Screw that stuff!  I'm even returning my Eagle Scout badge!

Simply lay back, watch Jerry Springer reruns, eat bon bons and suck down Pabst Blue Ribbon while you wait for your Gummint largesse to roll in over the transom.  There's more of us then there are of them now, finally, so we can use our majority to crush them.  To make sure they never, ever rise again.  And impeaching The Donald once again will insure that.  Yeah.  Impeach him again.  And again!  We just learned impeachment only takes one day, so do it over and over until you feel vindicated.  His followers surely won't mind...

So yeah, I'm now a full-bore "Progressive."  I'm on your side.  And I also identify as Black, just in case you're planning to hand out some of that "White People Money" in reparations.  And gay too.  Gay people need some reparations.  And anything else I need to be to deflect liberal ire and attract liberal largesse.  

Yep, feels good to shed the mantel of Conservative responsibility and don the cloak of liberal lunacy.  Matter of fact, I think it's time to go out and buy a new car.  O'Biden and his Gang of Sycophants will be handing out stimulus checks by the millions, so I'll finally be able to afford one.  And since I'll be using some Rich/White/Old People Money to pay for it, and so could you, who's gonna' join me?  

Thursday, January 14, 2021

A Devilish Little Plan...

Along with you, I've believed for some time that our Boy Guv, one Gavin Newsom, is stark raving nuts.  He'd have to be to have said and done the things he's said and done over the past year or so, as his comments have gone a long way toward destroying the once-Golden State.  Which was obviously his goal.  Or maybe he's just a common, ordinary, sleezy, slimy, nasty, machine politician from a filthy rich family with tons of money and great hair.  However, some of us, myself not included, thought that perhaps Boy Guv was playing chess while the rest of us were playing checkers...

But maybe I was wrong.  Maybe Boy Guv had hatched a nefarious little plan not to just order our millions and millions and millions of illegal aliens to go back where they came from, but rather to give them an impetus to want to leave all on their lonesome!  What a Macccheeaveleean little plan!  Turn California from the Mad Max hellhole that it is rapidly becoming (have you been to Union Square lately?  Downtown L.A.?), into the vibrant, shiny, green, glowing Land of Opportunity it was before Democrat politicians began outsourcing our jobs and our money and our future.  And all we have to do is somehow make all the illegals want to go home.  And then instantly, magically, millions and millions of jobs will become available.  For those who have none.  Want increased hourly pay?  Make those who'll work for bupkus just disappear.  Golly, that seems like an impossibility, wouldn't you think?  Why would they want to go home when they're living the 'Murican Dream?

Ahhhh, how about by destroying California's economy so they have no choice?

Whaddaya' think, fellow Patriots?  Good plan, huh?  If your basic illegal cannot get a job, whether cooking or washing dishes or mowing lawns or building houses, then they'll have no choice but to round up momma and all the kids, kids who we may well have paid to birth, and take them on back to Hermosillo.  Or Cuernavaca.  Or perhaps Guatemala...

Every other effort has failed.  Building an ever higher and ever longer wall hasn't worked.  Fully, at least, although God knows Trump tried.  Walls can be scaled; build a 30 foot wall, somebody will bring a 31 foot ladder.  And that only considers those not yet here.  What about the 11 or 12 million everybody agrees are already here and working and gaming the system?  Or is it 20 million?  Or 40 million?  No one knows.  How do we get rid of them? 

Ahhhh, but some of us don't want to get rid of them.  Some of us want them to stay.  And work.  And VOTE!  Especially those in such liberal enclaves as San Franpoopco.  And Lost Angeles.  And Santa Moonica.  And every single city in which there's a California University System college or university.  Only the more sparsely occupied areas are relatively free from infestation.  And perhaps our Boy Guv has come to that realization.  And also the realization that he'll be recalled from office if he doesn't.  Which just might happen, and soon.  And he's also perhaps hatched a devilish little plan to make those self same illegals go on home so that his long-suffering, jobless citizens can finally find employment for themselves and their families, and maybe he can save his job.

So I'm hoping that everyone who's been thinking Boy Guv is just another commie pinko dumbass liberal weenie with lots of money and a deep-seated hatred for common citizens, is dead wrong.  I'm hoping he's the True Champion of the working class, even though he's San Fran Nan Pelosi's nephew and J. Paul Getty's Godson, and will prove it by making those who've been stealing our entry-level jobs decide it just might be a good time to go on home.   

I'm reminded of my dad telling eight year-old little me on Christmas morning with a chuckle for Chuckie that the pony I'd been hoping to receive was hiding under the tree.  What I found instead was a pile of horse sh*t.  I dug and dug and dug in that pile...yet couldn't find the pony.  Just like with Gavin Newsom, there has to be a pony in his pile somewhere.  And I keep digging and digging and digging...  

I sure hope to find the pony in Boy Guv's pile.  If not, I'm afraid he's just another elitist, greedy, opportunistic, Progressive wussie thug who will do and say anything to obtain and keep power...

Unless the current recall effort is successful.  If so, he'll be dragged kicking and screaming from office and sent packing back to his numerous restaurants and hotels and farms and vineyards.  Sent back to the French Laundry.  I hope they save him a seat.  

A $350 seat...