To all you wonderful folks who have been waiting breathlessly for the next installment from The Chuckmesiter, your faithful correspondent, here 'tis...
In response to the cacophony of positive commentary I received from my tens of rabid followers about including old TV opening themes in my postings, I've decided to throw you all a bone once again. So here is the opening theme music from the wildly popular 1960's Batman TV series. Ready?
"Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Batman! Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Batman! Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Batman! Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Batman! Batman! Batman! Batman! Batman! Batman!"
You're welcome. Now on to the subject of this posting.
A major reason, some would say the major reason The Donald's campaign has caught fire is his position on illegal immigration. Regardless of what you think of him, whether Internet-era reality show billionaire visionary super famous rock star, or circus clown loudmouth self-satisfied ego-maniacal rude crude buffoon jerk, he's touched a nerve within the electorate which has forever altered the way we view, and conduct, our elections. And because of him, we've been hearing more and more about 'Murica's need to reform our immigration policies.
Yes, my friends, and you are my friends, America's borders are like Swiss Cheese. Without the cheese part, of course. Just a bunch of gigantic, gaping, enormous holes. Holes through which millions of Mexicans and Central Americans and Cubans and who-knows-who-else pour through on their way to Valhalla. We have a few miles of effective fencing from the Pacific Ocean heading inland just south of San Diego. And then from there heading east for, oh, about 1,760 miles, not so much.
The Trumpster wants to build a fence all across the Mexican - American border, and force the Mexicans to pay for it. They say they will not! Actually, their previous President said "No" with an "F" word thrown in for emphasis. One has to wonder just how tall such a wall would have to be to prevent some Chinese ladder manufacturer from creating one tall enough to scale it. Whatever, "the Wall" has ignited - some say reignited - a national dialogue over this signature issue for our 2016 General Election.
The Rio Grande, which means Grand River in Meheeekano, doncha' know, is a natural barrier between us and that big 3rd-world country to the south. But it is unfortunately about three feet deep in most places. And so that "natural barrier" isn't such a big barrier it turns out after all. Millions of illegals have streamed across it, barely getting their feet wet, much less their backs, setting up shop and insinuating themselves into our society.
That's been going on, pretty much unabated, since we stole Mexico from our brown brothers down there fair and square via the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo in 1848. That Treaty ended the Mexican-American War, during which we kicked their asses, and took the area previously known as "Alta California" as our spoils. That "area" was a vast stretch of real estate from the Border north to San Francisco, and then east covering a dozen states or so and on to west Texas. It represented about a quarter of what became the United States. So winning this big chunk of dirt was kind of important to us, and one can certainly understand that losing it was a pretty big blow to the Mexicans.
They not only took the loss hard, they have still failed to come to terms with it. In fact, they refuse to accept its legitimacy. That's why they call the border between us "La Frontera," or The Frontier. That's also why they don't consider it a crime to cross it without our permission. They feel breaking into our country is their right, not a privilege. And they feel that coming here, taking our jobs, and our subsistence, and a free education for their newly-minted American citizen kids, and then sending home the money they earn as just payback for our having screwed them out of a big portion of their land. They call such payments "remittances," and it turns out to represent about $20 Billion a year in hard currency. That's big bucks to Mexico's economy. So their biggest export is oil, and second is their poor. Think of that. They send us their poor so they don't have to feed and clothe and house and educate them, and then welcome the dollars they send back. And we seem to embrace that stark reality with open arms.
Some of us are pretty pissed about that. Some, particularly of Liberal persuasion, not so much. But all would say we need to do something, even if it's wrong. Particularly because that "3rd-world country to the south" doesn't seem to share our same idea of immigration laws.
In fact, about the only ray of sunshine about this upside-down immigration situation is that our economy has soured under the reign of B. Hussein Obama, and Mexico's has improved quite a bit. A major reason has been that many American companies have relocated their manufacturing there so as to avoid our increasingly onerous taxes and tremendously burdensome rules and regulations. It seems we can't keep out Mexicans and we can't keep in corporations. Thus, the flood of immigrants our way has slowed a bit, with many heading back down south where the jobs picture has improved considerably.
You wouldn't think that Mexico would ever, ever complain about our immigration laws unless theirs was above reproach, would you? Me neither. But they do. Often. And loudly! So I decided to do a little research on behalf of my tens of loyal readers and see how their immigration laws stack up with our own. Drum roll please. The results:
If you break into Mexico without permission, you get two years in their Graybar Hotel, at hard labor. And their idea of "hard labor" is quite a bit different from our own. Put simply, no flat screen TV for you, Gringo. You then get deported, if you're still alive, that is.
If you break in again, and they catch you, it's ten years' hard labor! Of course, if you try to come in from countries across Mexico's southern border, such as Nicaragua, El Salvador or Guatemala, you'll face their entrenched army and a bevy of machine guns pointed in your direction. In other words, don't try to break in. Think we should try some of that? I'm thinking some pay-per-view of Mexicans facing down our chattering machine guns could help us reduce our ballooning Federal debt quite a bit.
But assuming you emigrate to Mexico legally, and that's not easy, you'll then face a daunting list of conditions. It will take you at least a year and cost thousands of dollars to earn the privilege of a driver's license. Here in Taxifornia we give, give drivers' license to illegals! There? You need to bend over backwards and pay through the nose to get one. NOTE: To those from other states (you lucky dogs!), Taxifornia issued more than 670,000 drivers' licenses to illegals last year, just over half of all those we handed out. So those who can't be here legally, can now drive here legally, while being here illegally. I kid thee not.
There, you may not participate in any political actions, regardless of the type. You may not run for political office. You have no freedom of speech. You may not march, protest, wave signs and placards, desecrate their flag or attempt to influence public opinion. I think we could use some of that. Remember reading about the illegal who graduated from one of Taxifornia's prestigious law schools awhile back, on a full-ride scholarship, no less, and then was awarded the right to practice law by our highest court? Breathtaking.
Mexican citizens in Mexico are given preference in hiring over foreign nationals, even those with visas and proper documentation. Here, Mexicans are given preference because they'll often work for less, "doing the jobs Americans won't do".
Only citizens may serve in Mexico's police and armed forces, on airline crews, or at seaports and airports. You may not obtain a pilot's license there or be an engineer on a train. Sounds a bit jingoistic, doesn't it?
Members of both houses of their Congress and their Supreme Court must all be natural-born Mexicans. Immigrants - even legal ones - may not serve in their clergy. This racial profiling they practice down there is getting somewhat tiresome, don't you agree?
Foreigners, legal or illegal, may not own land within 50 miles of any body of water, whether ocean, lake, river or stream. They may take possession through a type of holding company, however, but may not own such land directly. Here, we'll sell anything to anyone anywhere as long as they have a saddlebag full of cash.
Think not? Then-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton arranged the sale of more than one-half of all our uranium production capability to a Russian company a few years back in exchange for a small $100 Million donation to her little tax-exempt Foundation. Nice.
Any Mexican citizen may arrest illegals and their accomplices and turn them over to the authorities. Foreigners, legal or otherwise, may be expelled at any time, for any reason, or for no reason. Wait a minute! Since about half of all Mexicans are already here, perhaps we should simply deputize them and put them to work arresting Mexican gang members! What a great idea!
According to their immigration laws, you will be barred from entry if your presence "...upsets the equilibrium of the national demographics." You will not be granted legal residency unless you can "...contribute to the national progress," and that you have "...the necessary funds for sustenance." Try some of that here and the ACLU would have your ass.
And once you finally get your visa, if you violate it, you're guilty of a felony, which gets you six years in the slammer. Think of that; it's a felony to violate their immigration laws by overstaying your legally-obtained visa. Here? It's a misdemeanor to break into our country, or overstay your visa. NOTE: It's estimated that up to half of all the illegals here are visa overstays. And the ACLU and most Liberals would like to do away with that little impediment to signing up more voters-to-be. There's more, but hey, space is limited, even for The Chuckmeister.
Well now, it would seem that those nice Mexicans must believe that their immigration laws are superior to our own. Otherwise, they wouldn't shoot off their mouths about how unfair we 'Muricans are to their exported poor. It makes sense, then, for us to start the process of reconciliation by adopting theirs. Then, working together with our most excellent friends and neighbors to the south, we can work jointly toward any mutually-beneficial compromises. Maybe we can dig fox holes across the Rio Grande from each other, deploy our respective armies, with machine guns pointed at each other, and then wait for the next poor fool to dip a toe in those muddy, muddy waters...
Just a thought...
Monday, May 2, 2016
Friday, April 22, 2016
So, it appears far too many Liberals believe that the primary source of "gun violence" in America is the fact that we have too many guns.
That group would include our present POTUS (Obama is on video (check YouTube) proclaiming that he doesn't believe that we Americans should have the right to own firearms!), our V.P. ("Sheriff" Joe has opined that the way to chase off home invaders is to go to the nearest window and shoot off a shotgun into the air...illegal in most states of course, and dangerous!), the crusty old female presumptive Democrat candidate for POTUS (as of the day this is written she is in Conneccctticutttt conducting a seminar on how to reduce "gun violence" by reducing the number of our guns!), and a whole bunch of dumbass weenies who wouldn't know how to load a gun, much less use it. Long sentence I know, but hey, it's my blog.
Apparently they are not aware that the Bill of Rights comes as a Boxed-Set of Ten, not of nine or six or some fewer number in need of immediate revision.
And "gun violence" is their catch-all phrase for any accident or injury or hangnail or death resulting from a firearm, no matter what the cause.
So they believe that we could reduce "gun violence" by simply reducing the number of guns. And they offer up other countries' experiences as proof-positive that their solution has merit. Those countries would include England and Australia, both of which have outlawed and forcibly confiscated their citizens' weapons. (However, both have experienced a rapid uptick in serious crime since doing so...they conveniently forget to mention that). So when they suggest we adopt those countries' solutions to this "epidemic," that's what they're suggesting. Nice.
But these gun-grabbers are kind of loose with the statistics they offer to prop up their proposal. They state that our homicides per 100,000 of population are the very highest in the world, and that's what leads us to our sick, twisted, maniacal, fanatical Wild West obsession with guns. That would be a scary statistic, if it were true. It isn't. They include all deaths from guns, regardless of the cause. Suicides, accidents, terrorism, homicides, gang warfare, no matter. All are included. Yes, we have the very most guns per our population in the entire world. And I'm about to prove to you that this is why we became free more than two centuries ago, and why we shall always remain free!
Americans own, proudly I might add, 90 guns per 100 people at present. That's the very largest percentage in the entire world. And that number has increased by no less than 100,000,000 (that's One Hundred Million!) during the tenure of one B. Hussein Obama, the absolute Best Gun Salesman Of All Time.
Let me state that again. America's guns have increased in number by more than one-third since Obama assumed the Presidency!
He spews something about guns being so awfully bad, and people flock to their nearest gun store. They fear that he will try and grab our guns, a reasonable fear, I might add, so they buy them by the millions to beat the legislation. More than 20 Million background checks were performed just last year, an all-time record. And stats indicate that gun sales will likely beat that record in 2016. So that 90 guns per 100 people is sure to quickly become 100 per 100.
Next country in terms of gun ownership is waaaay down there at 58.2 to 100 in Serbia. And then 54.8 in Yemen. And 45.7 in Switzerland. And 36.1 in Cyprus. And 35.0 in Sweden. And 34.2 in Iraq. And so on, and so on.
Only 34 guns per 100 population in Iraq? Saddam Hussein made sure of that!
Yes, we own the most. And thank God for that!
Does that automatically translate to the world's highest murder rate? Nooooooooooooo! Are we second? No! Fifth? No, again! Twentieth? Fiftieth? One hundredth? No, no, and no! We come in at 111th!
Surprised? You should be. Amazed that your elected leaders have been blowing smoke up your collective ass? You shouldn't be. They do it alllllllllllll the time!
So, my friends, and you are my friends, The Chuckmeister will now pass along to you some truth for a change. Some truth that you can take to the bank in addition to that pretty shocking number up above. Some truth that you can use to counteract all that crap that's shoveled your way at the dinner table when crazy Aunt Doris, the commie pinko weenie gun-hating Liberal, when she decides to stop by and ruin your appetite.
So we have three times the number of guns than the Iraqis do, and our Liberal weenies want us to believe we're more dangerous than downtown Baghdad? Pullleeeezzz!
Would you like to know how we'd rank internationally if we didn't have to include the death rates from gunfire in all the towns owned and operated for decades by those same loony Liberals who are so quick to blame us, 'Murica's honest, red-blooded, flag-waving, God-fearing gun-owners for all that "gun violence?" Read on.
There are a whole bunch of American towns that have chosen to elect Liberal Democrats for generations. And not surprisingly, most are all-out shooting galleries. Here's a list, along with their most recent murder rates per 100,000 of population:
- Detroit: 54.6
- New Orleans: 53.2
- St. Louis: 35.5
- Baltimore: 34.9
- Newark: 34.4
- Oakland: 31.8
- Stockton: 23.7
- Kansas City: 22.6
- Philadelphia: 21.5
- Cleveland: 21.3
- Memphis: 20.2
- Atlanta: 19.0
- Chicago: 18.5
Note that Chicago hasn't had a City-wide elected Republican since Dwight Eisenhower was in the White House. Hmmmm. And Chicago's gun-control laws are soooo stringent that buying and owning a gun there is virtually impossible. Yet, they average, average, more than fifty shootings per weekend!
Want to know which is America's safest big city? Ready? Here it is: Plano, Texas: Murder rate per 100,000 of population: 0.4!
Why? Because virtually everybody in Plano, Texas is armed and considered dangerous. And nobody who wants to walk away after an armed confrontation, be they bank robber, thug, home invader, gangster, burglar or Islamic jihadist murdering terrorist, would pick Plano, Texas to ply their nefarious trade.
Remember the would-be mass jihadist shooting outside a draw-the-Muhammed contest in Garland, Texas last year? Yeah, it ended with the Bad Guys being shot dead by a security guard before they could pull the trigger a single time. There's an example of some of that Wild West justice for you!
Ready for another statistic you can use to figuratively slap Aunt Doris across the face when she starts to spew her anti-gun bile? Were we to somehow just erase all of the above Democrat-(mis)managed cities from the American map, America's death rate from "gun violence" per 100,000 of population would magically drop from 111th on the list of nations to...ready for it?...211th! Maybe Vatican City would be a bit safer than America were that the case, but only just barely.
So, in closing, let me throw in this little palate cleanser. Ms. Hil(liar)y will make eliminating "gun violence" a centerpiece of her upcoming campaign for President of the United States. That's assuming she isn't trying to run America from behind those cold stone walls of Leavenworth Federal Prison. And she will advocate harsh new gun control measures that will center upon duplicating Australia's confiscation measures. What I don't think she realizes, and please don't tell her, is that more than 5,000,000 ordinary average $40-per-year dues-paying Americans are members of the National Rifle Association. And they have fathers, mothers, wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, co-workers, bowling team members and buddies who will be influenced by them, as well as the millions who are simpatico with the NRA and its goals and objectives who aren't yet members. And there are tens of millions of other gun owners and shooters and those who count on their firearms for safety and self-defense.
And they vote!
Put another way, the Democrats won the Presidency in 2012 with a total of 65,915,796 votes, including all those who voted three or four times (remember the inner-city woman in Philly who proudly proclaimed she'd voted seven times?). Republicans garnered only 60,993,501 votes. That's a winning percentage of 51.1% to 47.2% Now just imagine that "gun control" was elevated to a top-tier issue in the upcoming 2016 Presidential election. Then add in the 5 Million NRA members and the millions more they will most assuredly influence. Get it?
Once again, please don't tell Hil(liar)y.
So, do more gun equate to more crime? Or do more guns equal less crime? You now have the accurate, carefully-researched information to decide for yourself.
Don't thank me, your friend, The Chuckmeister. That's why God put me here...
Friday, March 11, 2016
Well, my friends, here it is. The final installment, Part "Kuusi" (Finnish for six, but you knew that, right?), of those things I've learned during my storied and fanciful life. The last in a series of amazing feats of linguistics which have sallied me forth (fifth?) and sauntered me into your lives at this very moment in time. The penultimate pinnacle (they mean the same thing...but you knew that) of stuff I know and think you might wish to know as well. But first...
...I received several comments from around the Blogosphere about my bye-bye line in Part "Funf" (Deutch for "five"). I signed off with, "Hi-Yo Silver. Away!" As anyone at or near their senior years knows, that was what the Lone Ranger shouted as he rode out of sight to end another of those famous black-and-white TV cowboy programs during the 1950's. Those unfamiliar with The Chuckmeister, maybe those living in El Centro, or at the intersection of Florence and Normandy in the very wrongest part of L.A., or in a dumpster behind the nearest Wal-Mart, may not know that I am a student of, and an expert in, those old TV programs, and have much of their lore committed to my near encyclopedic but rapidly deteriorating memory (long sentence, I know, but it's my blog so it's okay). And so, by popular demand, here's the entire intro to "The Lone Ranger":
"Hi-Yo Silver! A fiery horse with the speed of light, a cloud of dust and a hearty Hi-Yo Silver! The Lone Ranger, with his faithful Indian companion, Tonto, the daring and resourceful masked rider of the plains led the fight for law and order in the early western United States. Nowhere in the pages of history can one find a greater champion of justice. Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear. From out of the past comes the thundering hoof-beats of the great horse Silver! The Lone Ranger rides again!"
(And, of course, the very famous announcer was a man named Fred Foy. The Masked Man was played by Clayton Moore and his sidekick was played by Jay Silverheels, a real honest-to-God 'Murican Indian. What else could you possibly want to know?)
Of course, if that program were to be broadcast today, the Masked Man would be a transgender, recovering drug addict with a medical maryjowanna clinic named "High Plains Wacky Tabackey," forced into counseling because of his propensity to wear a mask during working hours, and his "faithful Indian companion" would now be a Native American with an advanced degree in cultural anthropology, who owns a casino and is the founder of the "Red Lives Matter" Political Action Committee. But that's just me...
So, with that out of the way, I now proceed to cap off more of those "I've learned thingies" for your reading pleasure. "Fasten your seat belts. It's going to be a bumpy night." (Betty Davis, "All about Eve," 1950).
- I've learned that Bernie Sanders would be happy to give you the shirt off my back.
- And speaking of "socialists," my definition is: "A socialist is someone who desires all the benefits of an armed robbery without the courage to face his victim personally." But seriously, being a graduate and famed economist, at least in my own mind, The Chuckmeister (if The Donald can have an article before his name, and refer to himself in the third person, so can I) will now give you the accurate definition of the difference between communism and socialism, and your basic, garden-variety Progressive-ism - considering that several leading (from behind?) Democrats have been asked to do exactly that recently and couldn't come up with a satisfactory answer. So here goes:
Communism: Owns the source of manufacturing and wealth production, and, under the control of "those just a little more equal than you," will distribute it, in exchange for fealty. Think it works? Try North Korea.
Socialism: Controls the source of manufacturing and wealth production, and, under the control of "those just a little more equal than you," will distribute it, in exchange for votes or other desired tributes. Think it works? Try Venezuela. They sell gasoline for $0.15 a gallon, but nobody can afford a car. Oh, and they just ran out of toilet paper.
Progressivism: Is insanely jealous of those who make things or invent things or create things, and desires to cozy up to them and pick their pockets when they aren't looking, so he/she/it can then use those proceeds to buy the votes and command the admiration of others. Think it works? Seems that it does. Obama rode that wave into office by promising unicorns and rainbows, and has delivered nothing but pain and torment (or was that the "fundamental transformation" he promised?). And Bernie has ignited a firestorm of support from those with advanced degrees in medieval poetry or existential phenomenalism who can't find a job and don't want to pay back their quarter-million dollars of student loans. Unfortunately for them, they live in a capitalistic country, which is unlikely to change any time soon. Or, at least I sure hope so. Perhaps they should move to Venezuela. But, they should be sure to take plenty of toilet paper with them if they do.
- I've learned that Liberals want everybody to have an opinion...so long as its theirs.
- I've learned that only California is dumb enough to want to build a high-speed train from Bakersfield, a place no one wants to be, to Modesto, a place where no one wants to go. And, despite our being told it would cost no more than $30 Billion a few years back when some dumbass dreamed this up, and the Federal Gummint would pay for 90% of that, those otherwise unemployables in Sacramento are now trying to find almost $100 Billion of somebody else's money to pay for it. Annnd, the Gummint, having run out of money some time ago, is not agonna' pony up more than a sliver of that sum. Oh, and it's now projected to take longer to get from L.A. to San Fran on the boondoggley choo-choo than if you just got in your ancient VW Bug and drove there, stopping frequently for a pee break, for one-eighth of the cost. Proof once again you just can't trust a Liberal with somebody else's money.
- And speaking of how dumb California can be, Carpinteria-based Carls Jr., renowned 60 year-old hamburger chain and parent of The Green Burrito and Hardees, has just announced its intention to relocate its headquarters and all key management personnel to Nashville, TN. Why? Because Taxifornia taxes the Hell out of those who are obnoxious enough to actually succeed in life, and Tennessee doesn't. When, I ask rhetorically, will those "just a little more equal than us" decide to reduce tax rates, both at the state level and nationally, in order to become competitive with those states managed by adults? Don't hold your breath, America. Liberals don't learn from their repeated failures. Take a look at Chicago, Detroit, Baltimore, Newark, Philadelphia, New Orleans, etc., etc., all cities managed in perpetuity by Democrats if you don't believe me.
And don't feel too bad for the several dozen Carls Jrs.' execs who've been forced to move to TN. They will be realizing a 13.9% bump in pay having been rescued from California's state income tax.
- I've learned that the term "people of color" is now almost as insulting and infuriating today as was "affirmative action" in the distant past. What the Hell does "people of color" actually mean? Blacks only? Or does it also include Hispanics and Asians and 'Murican Indians? And, by the way, beige is a color! I be beige and I'm therefore one of them there "peoples of color." So, unless you want to be guilty of reverse racism, stop using that offensive term! Or, start giving me some of that "affirmative action." Your choice.
- I've learned that Iran, having just fired two long-range missiles, is in contravention with its nuclear accord agreement. You know, the one whereby we paid them $150 Billion not to develop nuclear weapons for at least eight years (that long?). But it's not really a problem, folks. That's because they never signed the agreement. Oh yeah, and neither did we. Whaaaaatt? So, we're led to believe that they're bound by an agreement they didn't sign, and we're bound by an agreement we didn't sign. I'm confused. I think I'll lay down...
- Despite hard-and-fast warnings of the impending El Nino deluge that was bearing down on the West Coast, only California was dumb enough to pay people like me to tear out their pretty green lawns and replace them with so-called "desert-scapes." So, it cost me $1,000 to rid myself of the beautiful, but expensive-to-maintain turf, and replace it with cacti and such, and I got a check from the State for $4,000 for doing so. Plus, my water bill has gone down by 90%. Is this a great state or what? I just can't wait for the next episode of Progressive dumbassedness to unfold.
- I've learned that an age-old saying has been proven true once again as we sit painfully through this interminable election season: "When you get down in the mud with pigs, you'll get all dirty, and the pig likes it."
- And speaking of "Progressives," they really want that so-called "1%" to finally pay their "fair share." You've heard that also, right? Well, my friends, and you are my friends, no doubt you, as loyal Chuckmeister readers, must know that the 1% of income earners in America earn about 19% of all income, yet pay more than 35% of all Federal income taxes. Exactly what, I'm wondering, do the Progressives or Liberals or dumbass weenies think would be a "fair share" if this isn't fair? I'm guessing the 1% doesn't think it's fair. And maybe that's the reason that more than 1,000 1%-ers gave up their American citizenship just last year and moved to parts unknown. And, the question has to be asked, wouldn't you if the foo was on the other shoot?
- I've learned that the POTUS has finally, finally stated that he intends to present a plan to Congress to close GITMO, which stands for Guantanamo Naval Base. You'll recall that on his first day in orifice he announced his intent to do so. Something about GITMO being a recruiting tool for terrorists, he says, despite the fact that it was only carved out of a hundred year-old, very large Navy base on the eastern end of Cuba a year after 19 jihadist killers flew hijacked airplanes into the World Trade Center. Apparently that fact was lost on our own resident Community Organizer-in-Chief.
But facts be damned, Obama just has to close it. And the reason he gives is that it is too expensive. Imagine a Democrat saying that something involving taxpayer expenditures is too expensive! But Barry divides the cost of running this 10,000-man forward lookout Naval base through the number of remaining detainees in a jail on a but a tiny portion of it. And so every time he releases one, the cost of detaining the remaining Bad Guys goes up, according to him. So, apparently when we get down to one detainee at GITMO, B. Hussein Obama will ascribe the entire cost of running the GITMO Naval base through its annual $650 Million operating budget. Incredibly stupid. But hey, you hired him, I didn't.
Sooooo, my friends, using this logic, I offer up the fact that it costs more than $1.6 Billion Dollars a Year to run the White House. That's more than 20 times the cost the Brits endure to support their beloved Royal Family. And that number doesn't include the cost of operating Air Force One or any of Barry's more than 40 vacations since he was immaculated, now totaling more than $70 Million. So, I suggest we usher Barry and his family out the door and the whole cost of running the White House goes away, right?
- I've learned before you can be "overwhelmed" you first have to be "whelmed." You knew that, right?
- Annnnnnd, I've learned that there are two kinds of people in the world. Those who divide people into two kinds, and those who don't...
- I've learned that Zimbabwe is overstocked with lions. It seems that when that poor Minneapolis dentist shot Cecil the Lion, legally, with a permit, for which he'd coughed up Big Bucks (more than $50,000!), and the world went nuts, big game hunters started shunning this African country. I mean, who wants to be vilified by a bunch of PETA-types for no good reason whatsoever? Now Zimbabwe is more than 200 lions overstocked because, as a predator with no natural enemies...except big game hunters...their numbers haven't been thinned and they've overgrown their habitat. And, natives are high on lions' preferred list of snack food. And, unless they can find someplace else to put them, they'll have to "cull" them. That means shoot them! Just like the dentist did to Cecil. And that means the local guides won't have anyone to call "Bwana," and the local tribes won't have any game meat to eat, and the local economy will suffer greatly. Just so you know, the entire cost of operating game preserves come from the fees paid by hunters! But the fools at PETA will be able to pat each other on the back while sipping their Pinot Grigio and stuffing canapes into their pouty mouths, their little pinkies high in the air at their Friday night cocktail parties. Kinda' warms your heart, doesn't it?
- I've learned that Chicago is our Mogadishu. So far this year there have been 490 people shot vs. 293 a year ago at the same time. And, with 32 shot last weekend and 4 more dead, their total is 115 dead this year vs. 57 one year ago. Think of it: The city with the very most restrictive gun control laws in the entire United States, a city where you simply cannot legally buy a gun unless your daddy is the Mayor, a city where you are not permitted to defend yourself against those who wish you dead, has the most people killed by gunfire. And what do the leaders of this failed city have to say for themselves? They say they need more restrictive gun control laws! Yeah, that's it. Reduce gun deaths by making it harder for those who aren't killing anybody to buy a gun and shoot back. Remember what they say about insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? Not a real good idea.
- I've learned that no matter how bad the situation in the world gets, or how poorly our relationships with other countries grows, or how obvious it is that these failures are our fault, Obama will tell us that it is clearly and obviously not his fault!
- I've learned that there were a total of 1,250 submarines commissioned by the German Navy during World War Part Deux. They were super small by today's standards, crewed by 30 or less. They were part of the dreaded "wolfpack" that terrorized the Atlantic shipping lanes during the run up to the War. They were really more "submersibles" than "submarines," as they needed to spend more time on the surface than submerged so they could recharge their lead acid batteries and replenish their oxygen supplies. Thus, they were easily spotted and destroyed by Allied forces' airplanes.
And on these subs were more than 40,000 young German sailors, average age just 21 years. During the War more than 60% of these sailors, some 28,000, were lost during battle or thereafter. And all but two of these subs were sunk. One is in Leboe, Germany, at the shipyard where it was built, in a museum dedicated to sailors of the world. It was the source and inspiration for the movie, "Das Boot." I've been there. If you haven't seen it, please do so if you get the chance. The other, a "Type 7," is located at the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago, IL. It was the basis for the movie, "U-571." The Allies captured it, towed it down the Saint Lawrence Seaway to and across Lake Michigan, and then built a railroad track across Lakeshore Highway to bring it up alongside the Museum. I've seen it, and toured it. You should as well. Seeing these weapons of war up close could change your opinion of whether combat is an adventure or a stupid waste for all mankind. It sure was for the Nazis.
And by the way, the "Nazis," or those who were members of the "National Socialist German Workers' Party," were, by definition, "socialists." Take that, Bernie.
- I've learned that the San Francisco Board of Supervisors has just voted to enable their school girls aged 11 - 14 to have access to condoms. All they have to do is ask their school nurse, and voila!, super ribbed neon-tinted Trojans for each of them! And without their mommies and daddies knowing a thing about it! As the father of four daughters, all I can say is what Dana Carvey's Church Lady would have said under the same circumstances: "Well, isn't that special!"
- I've learned that more than three months have passed since Texas made "open carry" of weapons legal. Yes, for the first time in more than 100 years it's now legal to wander around Texas with a six gun strapped to your hip. And, despite howls of rage by the lefty gun-grabbers, and predictions of the end of life as we know it by those who hate and fear anything that looks like a gun, there have been exactly ZERO instances of shootings or rage killings in Texas. And, even more importantly, there have been exactly ZERO instances of Islamic jihadist terrorist murderous attacks in Texas during that same period. Kind of an interesting juxtaposed factoid, don't you think? But then again, what self-respecting jihadist killer would try and intimidate a state chocked full of well-armed citizens? After all, they don't want to be shot down like the dogs they are before they've had the chance to take dozens of innocent souls with them.
- I've learned that Liberals just want to be left alone to live our lives.
- I've learned that it's illegal in California for gun stores to advertise that they sell guns outside their establishments? Why? Somebody, the theory goes, might be sauntering down the sidewalk, whistling a happy tune, see a sign in the window, and decide on a whim to go in, buy a gun and go put a bullet into some poor unsuspecting citizen. Excepppttt, there's a mandatory ten-day waiting period before you can actually take possession of your new to-be murder weapon. Are these dumbasses up in Sacramento actually reading the laws they're passing?
- I've learned that Vicente Fox, Meheeeeeeeko's ex-prez, on live TV, said, "...I'm not going to pay for that f**king wall!" He was of course referring to The Donald's campaign promise to build a 1,000 mile long wall between us and our primary supplier of low-cost labor. To which the Don-Don stated that he would build the wall 10 feet taller. So, how will he make Meheeeeeeeko pay for the wall, estimated by some to cost roughly $7 - $8 Billion? Simple. By my reckoning, all we'd have to do is: a) reduce our annual foreign aid to that country by a like amount, which is now some $57 Billion; b) impose a tariff on any goods manufactured by 'Murican companies in their plants down there by that same amount; and c), glom on to repatriations of monies sent back there by illegals who work here illegally. And that last one equals more than $20 Billion a year. Major money!
- I've learned that if you really want to live in a socialist society, say Cuba for instance, you can do so without leaving the good ol' U. S. of A. Simply take a plane or a train or drive your expensive electric car to San Francisco. San Fran is the left-leaning-est city we have. And they're proud of it! Want to buy a gun in San Fran? No luck. They just ran their very last gun store out of business last month. The High Point Arms store had been in bizz in the Tenderloin District for more than 60 years. But SFO decided that guns be BAD! So, no more gun store. Want to buy a dog or a cat or a fish in San Fran? No luck again. Their city fathers and mothers and others (lots of others!) have decided that pets are people too. They ran their last pet store out of bizz in 2014, putting hundreds of folks out of work. So, if you want a pet or a gun, you have to go across the Golden Gate Bridge to Marin County to purchase Fido or a shiny new Glock. Now, in all fairness, Marin is just as commie as SFO is, but they're at least a little more interested in sales taxes. So they'll happily collect their percentage of any pet or firearm purchase. And, as you know, the San Fran folks really love illegals! Being a sanctuary city, there's lots and lots of illegal aliens running around SFO. And the transgenders who run this utopia are proud as punch! So, take a trip to SFO if you want to learn what socialism is like in actual practice. But hold on to your wallet. The vagrants and homeless will aggressively panhandle you and the police will politely ignore your protestations.
- And speaking of socialists, I've learned that one Senator Bernie Sanders believes that health care in America is a "right." Apparently, Bernie seems to think that we have the "right" to "Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and health care." And where does this "right" come from, he's been asked? Being a member of the human race, Bernie says. Hmmm. And since "life" and "liberty," and "the pursuit of happiness" are free, Bernie, just who, exactly, is going to pay for this "right?" "The 1%," he says. It seems to me that, if this were to happen, it would be far simpler and less complicated for 1%-ers to just be forced to adopt poor folks directly instead of laundering the money through our Gummint for redistribution to those who would ultimately get it. Sort of like the ASPCA does for pets. Let's call it the "ASFRWFTSPKTOG." Or, the "American Society for the Forced Redistribution of Wealth From Those who Shouldn't be Permitted to Keep it to Those who Ought to Get it." Good idea?
- I've learned that 93,688,000 Americans are not in the Labor Force. Think of that number. That means that roughly 40% of working-age folks are not working. And likely not because they don't want to. More likely, it's because they've given up looking for work 'cause there just isn't any. And due to that fact, they are not included in our unemployment numbers. So, our artificially-low 4.9% unemployment rate is likely above 11%! Baaaad!
- I've learned that one Donald John Trump is not afflicted by that age-old problem of "small hands, small...ummm, well, you know." We've all learned of that because Mr. Trump was nice enough to share that fact with us on national TV during a debate in front of more than 16,900,000 prospective voters. One Mr. Rubio suggested that Mr. Trump's, ummm, manhood, shall we say, was smallish because his hands were, ummm smallish. Mr. Trump told us that was not the case. In fact, he "guaranteed" as much. So far as I've been able to determine, this was the very first and only time in more than 230 years of U.S. history that a candidate for the Presidency has bragged about the size of his tallywhacker, or felt the need to. Make of this what you will.
If this campaign proceeds in the fashion to which we've now become accustomed, I think it likely that we may well have a pay-per-view "peck-off," where each candidate whips out the goods and the one with the longest becomes the nominee.
- I've learned that last Tuesday, March 8th, at about 3:45 p.m., while Hil(liar)y Clinton was delivering a rousing stump speech in front of a raucous campaign rally of more than 30 rabid fans, she actually told the truth! Her fans and the reporters in attendance were so shocked, so taken aback, so astounded at the reality that she told the truth when she could have easily lied once again, that a strange, surreal hush came over the crowd. Eyes were wide open, and mouths agape. One could almost hear the breeze blowing through the nearly empty stadium. And then, as if to let her fans know it was just an accident, she lied when the truth would have sounded better and continued on with her speech. Polite nervous chuckles ensued. Those in attendance were heard to remark that none could ever remember Mrs. Clinton ever having made such a mistake before...
And so, my friends, for my exit to this little posting, I take you back to a much-loved and much simpler time. Alongside the Lone Ranger was Superman! And here's the intro, from memory, to that long-ago TV show:
"Faster then a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound!"
"Look, up in the sky! It's Superman! Yes, Superman, strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond mortal men. Superman, who can change the course of mighty rivers. Bend steel in his bare hands! And who, disguised as Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice and the American way."
And so, my friends, may the farce be with you.
Saturday, February 20, 2016
Well, kiddies, you may or may not be pleased to learn that this will be the next to last in the series of things that I've learned over the course of my illustrious, often-imitated-but-never-duplicated, lifetime.
Oh yeah, there's plenty more that I've learned, and will learn, but I think I've beaten this horse to such an extent that PETA will soon be banging on my door, begging me to stop. Horse beating is no longer permitted, don't you know.
So, in no particular order, here's some more of that stuff that I've learned and feel honor-bound to share:
- Have you seen those cutesy TV ads from Ally Bank? You know, like the one with that guy who embarrasses himself at dinner by saying, "Ahhh, Pinot Noir. It means, "Peanuts of the night." Well, my friends, and you are my friends, what you may not know is that Ally Bank is what emerged like the Phoenix from the ashes of GMAC, or General Motors Acceptance Corporation. Those were the guys who would finance that new Chevy you just had to have. And those were the guys who went down in flames back in 2008 when the economy tanked. And those were the guys who still owed us, you and me, more than $8.7 Billion when they reformed as a non-brick-and-mortar Internet bank to take your deposits and cash your checks. How, I ask rhetorically, are these bozos permitted to get back into the banking business when they haven't yet paid off their obligations to us, the U.S. taxpayers? Since he's the guy that facilitated, even shepherded GM's bankruptcy, maybe somebody ought to ask Barry Obama that question at his next press conference.
- I've learned that there are people dumb enough to believe that Socialist Bernie Sanders will, if elected, give them free college tuition, and billionaire Donald Trump, if elected, will deport 12,000,000 illegal aliens.
What good ol' Bern, no doubt one of the least accomplished men in America, and without the Senate would likely be on welfare, doesn't seem to realize is that those rich enough to be worth robbing blind are rich enough to hop on a plane, theirs or someone else's, and fly off to Belize, or Panama, or Costa Rica, or Ireland, or some other warm and sunny place, and, with saddle bags full of cash in hand, ask for political asylum (long sentence, that). There's already an island off the coast of Canada which is offering political asylum in the event The Donald wins the election.
And what that same Donald doesn't seem to realize is that each and every illegal would necessarily receive Constitutional due process, including a free lawyer and his day in court, prior to being forcibly tossed out. One thing for sure, every underemployed lawyer in America is hoping he wins, as that would represent full, well-paid employment for them all until the end of time. Yet, there are those so incredibly eaten up with the dumbass they buy both of these guy's fanciful fairy tales.
- I've learned that a gun in the hand beats a cop on the phone. Every time...
- I've learned that any politician that advocates the passage of a new piece of legislation without offering up an old one for sending to the shredder should be taken out and shot.
- I learned back in physics class that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. Therefore, since fat is nothing but stored energy, if someone loses it, someone else had to gain it, right? I wonder who gained Marie Osmond's fat? And since Rosie O'Donnell still has her fat, and plenty of it, we fortunately don't have to wonder about hers.
- I've learned that lefty eco-weenie "miwwionaires and biwwionaires" just luuuuuv $120,000 electric cars. That's because they say they want to "save the planet." Wellll, you dufuses, perhaps you didn't dig deep enough to find out that the batteries in electric cars are composed of super-rare earths that need to be mined and refined and then repurposed from far away climes, which throws gobs and gobs of nasty stuff up into the atmosphere. And those batteries need to be disposed of with great care as they are terribly injurious to Momma Earth. And God help you if you get into an accident and need the First Responders, as they may not be able to use the Jaws of Life to extricate you from your pile of twisted metal. Those "Jaws" might just electrocute the guys who want to help you. And, those electric cars don't recharge themselves out of the ether, either. Half of the energy used to power electricity generating plants is coal! So, coal makes electricity, and the electricity made from coal powers electric cars. A conundrum of the First Magnitude, don't you think? In short, like cocaine, electric cars are God's way of letting you know you make too much money...
- I've learned that Bernie Sanders should be asked if socialism works so very well, why has socialist Venezuela run out of toilet paper? Gasoline costs only $0.15 a gallon in Venezuela, but nobody can afford a car. And half the folks there are starving to death. Perhaps ol' Bern should visit countries like this one before giving capitalism the finger.
- And not to harangue Chicago too much, but hey, I've learned that no matter how many get killed in "gun free" Chicago each and every weekend, it won't be reported by the Obama Media. That's because it's proof positive that "gun free" creates nothing but a "target rich environment." There were more than 100 shot there during the first ten days of 2016, and 12 of them died. All Black. And all at the hands of other Blacks. In a city where it's virtually impossible to buy and own a gun. And where it's also near impossible to defend yourself against those who wish you dead. Brings new meaning to the term "gun free zone," doesn't it? What I find quizzical is why everybody hasn't yet bolted from the Windy City for more healthful locales.
- I've learned that Polar Bears can swim for sixty miles. Sixty miles! So, when you see a photo from some dumbass organization picturing a Polar Bear perched precariously on a little spit of an iceberg somewhere, looking all forlorn and lonely, it's because he wants to be there, and not because he's afraid of drowning.
- I've learned that only in America can you go from Governor of Arkansas at $35,000 a year to the owner of your own personal foundation with $500 Million in the bank. Invent something? Start a pizza chain? Become a world-class neurosurgeon? Hell no! Just become a crooked politician!
- I've learned that in order to start shooting up shopping malls and schools and military installations somewhere, it's first necessary for a nice, young Muslim male to first become "radicalized." Or, at least that's what the Oblamo Administration and the Lap Dog Media wants us to believe. Funny, I don't recall any nice, young Baptist or Methodist or Mormon or Amish males having to become "radicalized" prior to shooting up a ...oh wait, they don't shoot up anything! Never mind...
- I've learned that Obama's promise to "fundamentally transform America (speech, February 15, 2009), is perhaps the only promise that he's ever made that he's actually kept.
- I've learned that more than 9,000 corporations have moved from California to neighboring states during the past ten years. The dumbass fools who write the laws up in Sacramento have so messed up our beautiful chunk of paradise that companies are beating feet to other, more business-friendly locales at flank speed. Can you blame them? Need an example? Sure. Toyota was headquartered in Torrance, California for more than sixty years. They've moved to Plano, Texas, and taken with them more than 4,700 of their high-earning, white-color employees, along with billions of dollars worth of economic activity. Why? Taxifornia's tax rates top out at $13.9%. Texas? Zero corporate dollars! And zero personal rates. And Nevada, and Utah, same thing. And very low in Arizona and New Mexico. Any wonder why I-10 is full of vehicles heading east? Why did Jerry "Moonbeam" Brown have to say upon learning of Toyota's exodus from the once-Golden State? "Good riddance," he said. Nice, Jer. Nice. Please write when you've found work.
- I've learned that one Hil(liar)y Rodham Clinton tried to join the Marine Corps when she was 26 years old. Yes, my friends, the Hildebeest tells us that just after graduation from Yale Law School, and passing the Bar, and heading off to Arkansas to marry Billy Jeff "Blue Dress," who had just been elected that state's Attorney General, and proudly displaying for all to see her chops as having protested mightily the Vietnam War as a volunteer for various lefty groups, including one run by Saul "Rules for Radicals" Alinsky, Barry Obama's official handbook, she decided to become a Marine. She was refused admittance, she now tells us, because she was "too old." Hmmm. Sure. The Marines would have stomped warm puppies to death to take a woman lawyer into the Judge Advocate General's Corp, or "Corpse," as Barry calls it, back then in the post-Vietnam era. But the Hildebeest tells us she couldn't qualify. I believe her, don't you? This is the same woman who told us her parents named her after Sir Edmund Hilary. That's the guy, by the way, who climbed Mount Everest Four years after she was born! Perhaps she was confused. Or hopes we are...
- And speaking of Mrs. Clinton, I've learned that the antidote to one of those "four hour erections" they talk about is simple: just listen to a recording of Hil(liar)y Clinton delivering one her patented stump speeches, screaming at the top of her gold-plated, socialist lungs, like fingernails on a blackboard, and your woodie will disappear in nothing flat!
- I've learned that Martin Luther King, Jr., has his own holiday. Yet, inexplicably, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Abraham Lincoln, F. D. Roosevelt, Harry Truman and Ronald Reagan, etc., etc. do not. Could it possibly be that the fact Dr. King has a holiday and the others do not is some sort of reverse racism?
- I've learned that not one single solitary classified email was sent to or received by Mrs. Hil(liar)y Clinton on her home-brew server, according to her. Yet, thus far there have been some 1,730 such emails unearthed, with more yet to come. Some are so top secret, named "SAP," or Special Access Program, that those tasked to find them cannot even read them. I, the Chuckmeister, at one time held a Top Secret Crypto clearance back when I was defending America from communism, and SAP clearance is two steps beyond that. Any wonder Hil has an honesty deficit problem?
- I've learned that, two months following the horrendous mass slaughter at the San Bernardino County Developmental Center by Islamic jihadist murderous killer thugs, their First District Supervisor Robert Livingood has just called for all County personnel to be armed. Finally! As loyal readers of the Chuckmeister's unassuming little blog knows well, I've been calling for damn near everybody to be armed and considered dangerous. Unless and until the Good Guys are armed, the Bad Guys will be free to wander around shooting nice folks with abandon. We cannot allow that, people. We cannot, and we should not. Period! The SanBerdoo leaders finally came around. What about the rest of you?
- I've learned that when John F. Kennedy got his boat, PT-109, shot out from under him and his men by the Japanese Navy in the Pacific during WW-Part Deux, they were able to swim to a deserted island in the Solomons. They then carved a "rescue us, pretty please" message on a coconut and tossed into the ocean. It was found by some passing natives rowing their canoe nearby and then delivered to the Navy, who were able to rescue JFK and his men. Thereafter, he kept it on his desk in the Oval Office for all to see.
- I've learned that Jesus and I had something important in common: Jesus turned water into wine. I turn wine into water...
- I've learned that those insufferable, interminable and annoying PSAs (Public Service Announcements) that frequent your cable TV programming are there for one very, very important reason: The network depends upon them to make a profit.
What, you say? They profit from running "free" PSAs? Yes, kiddies, they really do. That's because every one of those "free" ads they run offsets a "paying" ad run by some car company, or drug company, or weight loss company that could have been run in that same time slot. So, if CNN or FOX or MSPMS, for instance, runs one of those "visit the forest," or "cars for kiddies," or Wounded Warriors" ads, they can write off the equivalent amount they "could have" sold that 30- or 60-second or 3-minute spot to a paying advertiser, whether or not there was an advertiser desirous of purchasing that time slot. So if they write off $1.00 of freebie ad for every $1.00 of an equally-charged $1.00 of paying ad, they wind up with "zero" income. Get it? See? It pays to own a network!
- I've learned that if Albert Gore had won his own home state of Tennessee, he would have won the 2000 election and we wouldn't have had to go through "hanging chads" and the bleatings of Michael Moore and Supreme Court decisions to determine the ultimate winner. My thinking is that if your own home state doesn't like you enough to vote for you, I don't care who your opponent is...I'll take him (or now her, or even "it"). And that, kiddies, is how we wound up with George W. Bush as POTUS. So, all you dummies who think the election was stolen, no it wasn't; it was forfeited by a guy who was - and is - a fatuous, vacuous, lumbering, slumbering, lurchified, droning, low-rent, gasbag fool.
So there, my friends, another group of "learnings" is in the can. And now sent along to you via the "1s" and "0s" so accommodating by the digital age. I trust you'll find some of them enjoyable, or enlightening, or even infuriating. Because I'm an equal opportunity enlighten-er and infuriat-er. So, if you don't like them, just remember: They're free!
And so, until next time, in the words of the immortal Lone Ranger, "Hi-yo Silver. Away!"