Friday, July 18, 2014

THE Solution to the Border Crisis...


Three miles.

Three little miles.

That's how far my new home, Fortress Chuckmeister, is from the Immigration Center in Murrieta, California.  And the Murrieta Immigration Center, and centers just like it across America, is where the Federal Government is attempting to dump hundreds - even thousands - of illegal aliens on a regular basis.

That's right, my friends, as many as 300,000 illegals, many of them children, are expected to wade across the Rio Grande this year.  Or be delivered via jet ski.  Or boat.  Maybe by trebuchet (Google it...it's a cool delivery method).  There's no doubt they've been invited here by our Community Organizer-in-Chief.  The only question is...why?

Many, myself included, believe our Fundraiser-in-Chief is trying his best to flood America with illegals so as to grow new little Undocumented Democrats, and thereby turn those Red areas of America a bright shade of blue.  I think he knows he's going to lose the Senate come November, and most likely his socialist/Marxist Democrat Party will also lose the Presidency in November, 2016.  So, considering he has but 100 some-odd days until election time, he has to work fast if he's to keep his promise. 

Remember that promise?  It was five days before he was to be immaculated.  He was addressing a crowd of swooning sycophantic drones.  He said, and I quote:  "...America is the greatest country on Earth.  Please join with me now as we begin to fundamentally change it."

Change it into what, one might ask?  The drooling commie journos who make up the Dinosaur Media didn't bother to ask. Well, now we know.  He's doing his Manchurian Candidate best to change America into a left-wing, European-style socialist/Marxist Workers' Paradise.  A place where the government owns everything and distributes it to those in need depending upon how they act, and how they vote!

Unlike many of those who reside in the once-Golden State, the Chuckmeister is a red-blooded conservative.  A patriot.  A veteran.  A believer that small government is better. A guy who rebels against onerous taxation.  A fellow who wants the Gummint out of his bedroom, out of his wallet, out of his refrigerator and out of his life.  

However, a majority of my fellow Taxifornia residents disagree.  They love high taxes because they don't pay them. They want Sacramento to take other peoples' money and redistribute it to those "in need."  That would be, ummm, them.  That's why the Chuckmeister and Mrs. Chuckmeister relocated recently to one of the most bright-red, conservative, God-fearing, gun-loving, pro-life enclaves in this Deep Blue State. We moved to Temecula.

Temecula is a little town about 50 miles north of San Diego and 60 miles southeast of Orange County.  It was a stagecoach stop back in the 1850's, and as recently as 1990 boasted only 2,700 residents.  Bright, clean, wide boulevards, affordable housing, plenty of tasty wineries, great restaurants and a love of freedom.  We had moved to Orange County some 40 years ago because it was a bucolic, peaceful, rural area with fresh air, fruit trees, no traffic and a love of liberty. And then, over time, it began to turn into Los Angeles South. That's not a compliment.  Too bad.  

We said, enough is enough.  Because of our family we couldn't load up and move to Utah, or Nevada, or Arizona, or New Mexico, or, my personal choice, the Hill Country of Texas.  So, that necessitated a selection of some other Taxifornia location that featured people who share our values. And that's how Temecula was selected.  And next door is the beautiful community of Murrieta.  And Murrieta has just become the target of the commie media nationwide.

Just today some hard left journo proclaimed Murrieta as the "Hate capitol of America."  Really?  Hate capitol?  Just because its citizens don't cotton to the idea of having hundreds of illegal aliens dropped in its lap unannounced to care for, and feed, and house, and educate, without reimbursement?  I wonder how the drooling journo who made this dumbass assessment would respond to having a bunch of homeless people who didn't even speak his language dropped in his front yard, with the admonition that he had no choice but to adopt them and care for them as his own - and on his own.  I think we all know the answer to that question.

Back to the point:  What's to be done about this insane situation?  Some 62,000 illegals have already invaded our sanctity so far this year, with as many as 100,000 more expected.  Our Vacationer-in-Chief wants the Congress to give him $3.7 Billion Dollars to help pay for their assimilation. Not to firm up the border so the invasion stops, mind you, but to house and feed and clothe and educate them.  Outrageous. Here's my solution.  Ready?

After the little illegals make their way out of Guatemala and El Salvador and Honduras, they still have 1,700 miles to go before they reach the Brass Ring (that would be America). That means they have to make their way all across Meheeeeko via train, or bus, or truck, or car or foot.  I thought Meheeeeko was our friend!  Our best trading partner!   And I thought that Meheeeeko had machine guns trained on its southern border with each of the foregoing countries to keep illegals out.  Yet "somehow" these "little kids" manage to avoid the machine guns.  Really?

Does anyone besides me think that Meheeeeko is more than a little complicit in this major crime?

Once the "refugees" make their way out of the countries that they fear, and into Meheeeeko, it seems to me that they have avoided the immediate threat they are fleeing.  Our Insurance Salesman-in-Chief could simply make a call to the International Red Cross, an organization which we fund to the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars a year, and ask that they establish camps on the Meheeeeko side of the border with these countries to welcome the refugees.  To feed them. And house them.  And clothe them.  And educate them.  Plus, there would be no chance the refugees would be raped, or murdered, or shot, or whatever while making the trek northward.  The refugees are not our problem, nor should they be.  They are the international community's.  They can and should contribute to ameliorating this situation.  Problem solved.

Oh, and by the way, how about our Prez growing a set of you-know-whats and issuing an ultimatum to Meheeeeko's Prez that if he doesn't get with it and start acting like our friend, we're going to cloud up and rain all over them.  We could simply issue a "Do Not Visit" memo from the State Department and their American tourism dries up!  He could also demand that Meheeeeko free our hero Marine TODAY! Tick, tock.  I'm waiting...

To summarize:  Send those who have invaded our country back home.  Now.  Bitch-slap Meheeeeko around a little bit until it gets on the straight and narrow.  Assist Meheeeeeko and the international community in establishing camps to welcome the refugees.  AND THEN SECURE OUR BORDERS SO THIS NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN!

You're welcome.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Things we ought to have, but don't...


Despite what some might believe to be an overwhelming assortment of complete crap available for sale to us, the gullible Americans, most of which is made in the Peoples' Republic of China, or maybe the Almost-Peoples' Republic of Bangladesh, but certainly not in the Damned-if-it's-not-the-Peoples' Republic of San Francisco, where nothing's made but more little commies, I think there's a whole lot more stuff we could have, but don't.  

A list?  Sure.  Glad you asked.  Here goes...

1.  I believe what we need is a DVD of Secretary of State John (Lurch) Kerry's speeches.  Then, we could just play them on a continuous loop when we go to bed.  Can you think of a better somnifascient (that would be a sleep-inducer, to those of you from El Centro)?  And, if you call in the next 6 minutes, you could get TWO such DVDs, and give the other one to that complete ass at the office who you just despise.  Just pay extra shipping and processing, of course. 

2.  We  could have good (and paid) Samaritans who wander around offering to help people take "selfies" for a small fee.  It's hard to take a selfie by yourself.  That's because you only have two hands.  And you need one to hold the camera phone, one to squeeze your significant other (man, woman, gay, lesbian, transgender, nice person of confused sexuality, dwarf, albino or any other carbon-based life form not yet included in the aforementioned groupings) and one to hold your brewski.  With a little help from a friend, you could take selfies the envy of all your other friends who don't have selfie-taking friends.  Or three hands.  After all, Barry "The Selfie-Taker-in-Chief" Obama's got one.  Why not you?

3.  I think we ought to make it a law that everyone, everyone, read the Bill of Rights.  Then perhaps they would understand that they come as a set of ten, not a "pick and choose" to meet your delicate, prissy, wussie, scardycat, pantywaist predilections.  And if we do, then no more will the "Progressives" among us try to excise the 1st, 2nd, 4th, 5th and sometimes 10th Amendments.  

4.  I think we ought to have the United Nations relocated to the Left Bank of the Seine.  That's a river, deep in downtown Paris.  That's in France, for those who don't travel much. Then, all the commie pinko weirdo lefty socialist Marxist dictators who populate Our World and always, always vote against us at the U.N., could get together over a tiny little overpriced cup of espresso and some escargot on toast points and decide how to screw America.

Remember, kiddies, that we, the U.S. of A., pay no less than 30% of the total operating budget of the U.N.  And they, mostly dictatorships that hate you and me, spend all day long trying to hose us.  Up theirs, I say.  This is but one small way to pass that message along.

5.  How about a healthcare plan that's simple, affordable, understandable and available.  And that's certainly not what we have with "Obamacare."  Here's the recipe:  

1)  State-run and -funded medical colleges puking out newly-minted doctors and physicians' assistants every year, who agree to work in community-level health clinics for ten years at reduced rates of pay, in exchange for their educations, making emergency care available to the poor and disadvantaged without bankrupting hospitals;  

2)  Health insurance sold across state lines, just like car insurance, and home insurance, thus heightening competition, and with it, dramatic cost reductions;  

3)  "Portable" health insurance, enabling working folks to take their plan with them when they change jobs; 

and 4)  the Feds expanding Medicaid/Cal to the poor and disadvantaged uninsured without disturbing the health insurance of the 85% of Americans covered by their employers.  

This simple approach would solve the uninsured problem.  However, it would not solve the Democrats' need to control each and every aspect of our puny, worthless proletariat lives, which they've gone a long way toward achieving with Obamacare.  I predict they will not look kindly on any effort to relax their grip on our healthcare...or, our lives.

6.  It seems that everyone wants to drop some excess l.b.s and stop smoking.  So, what we ought to have is the Chuckmeister Weight loss and Smoking Cessation Program.  Here's how it will work:  Show up at my house by 8:00 a.m. on a Monday morning.  I lock you in the closet.  I shovel some bread and water to you a couple of times a day.  That's it. Nothing else.  You get sprung Friday afternoon at 5:00 p.m.   I guarantee, absolutely guarantee, you'll lose weight and stop smoking.  Anyone interested, give me a call.  Price is negotiable depending upon your political party affiliation and ability to pay (we're into income equality, don't you know).  If your name is Pelosi, or Reid, or Biden, the price will be quite large.

7.  I'd say we ought to have an honest Fourth Estate.  You know, the so-called "Mainstream Media."  That's the folks who are accorded special consideration by our Constitution, enabling them to skirt certain laws in order to bring us, the American people, the truth!   We need to know what's really going on so we can elect, or re-elect, the politicians who will properly represent us.  But when we have sycophantic lefty communist journo-weenies spewing crap 24-7 and intentionally avoiding certain reportage in an effort to protect their favorite politician, you know who he is, and all his buddies, such as is the reality today, we are left with the barbarians at the gate.  

8.  I think we ought to have a new tax.  Yes, believe it or not, the anti-tax-of-any-kind Chuckmeister is advocating another, and new, tax.  I'd like to tax everyone who "tweets" a nickel per tweet.  Think of it.  Millions and millions of tweets per day from people who actually think that someone, somewhere gives a damn about what they think, 140 characters at a time no less, to people who actually don't give a damn about what they read.  And, the money should go to the "Wounded Warrior Project" so that we can end, once and for all, those three minute TV commercials displaying kids with chrome legs and begging for cash that our Government should already have provided.  Shameful.  And if there's anything left over, send it to the nearest VA hospital so they can offer some really excellent healthcare to those who have placed their lives at risk to save ours.  It's time for a new approach.  And time for ignoring our heroes to end.  Tweet your ass off, and the money goes to fix our broken system. What's not to like?

9.  I'd like to see our youth be required to serve two years post-high school in the service of our Country.  The military is my preference, any branch, but the Youth Corps (or "corpsss," as Mr. Oblamo likes to call it) or the Peace Corps(sss) would be fine. It matters not.  Just serve.  

Why?  We puke out high school graduates that cannot write or read sufficiently, and are not ready to head off to man- or womanhood.  It's a rare 18 year-old that's ready for college. And especially when college costs as much as a house, it's a good idea, I say, to make sure they are prepared and ready to exact the maximum advantage from that enormous, monumental investment.  Israel requires this.  And The Netherlands.  So does Switzerland.  There may be other countries, but I know these do for sure.  And then their countries pay for college for those who have completed their service.  I say that's a good investment and a good trade. What do you think?

10.  I think we ought to have the "Obama Channel."  Then, instead of seeing Barry Obama's condescending, oafish, scolding, smirking, completely unqualified face every time you turn on the telly, you could view without fear of being accidentally subjected to a daily dose of Oblamo.  

It seems that every time I turn on the TV there he is; Mr. Community-Organizer-in-Chief pontificating on one subject or another, giving his Major Policy Address of the Morning/ Afternoon/ Evening/Weekend.  I'm pretty sure that he believes that giving a speech is the same thing as actually doing something.  Like, here's what I think, now everybody do it while I head off to the golf course.  For those poor souls who get off on watching Barry waste their time, they'd have a channel to turn to.  For the rest of us, peace and quiet.  Not working, Barry.  Get off my TV.  Thanks.

11.  I'd like to see our First Lady stop telling us what to eat and how and when to exercise.  I'd suggest she get back to doing the things than an unelected spouse of whomever happens to be infecting my White House is supposed to do. That would include hosting little cocktail parties, showing up for State Dinners dressed-to-the-nines, and decorating the Holiday Tree (used to be Christmas Tree, but that's now politically infriggingcorrect).  Other than that, I don't give a whit about her opinion on any subject, nor will I take it.  In fact, I'd really like to know that I'll never have to see her "For the first time in my life I'm proud to be an American" face again.  

By the way, her Illinois law license was revoked.  So was Barry's.  Does anyone know why?  Of course you don't.

12.  I'd really like to not know the political persuasion of today's movie stars.  And recording artists.  And famous people of all color and stripe.  Even those who are only famous for being famous.  Like the Kardashians, for instance. I'd really prefer them to perform, to do their thing, without involving me in their lives any further.  I think I developed this preference when Ms. "Pretty Woman," whose name I've sworn to never again utter, commented for one of those magazines you're forced to see when checking out at the drug store.  She said, "I think Republican is in the dictionary right between reptile and reprehensible."  How nice. And since then, I've managed to never, ever spend another dollar to watch anything she's done.  Or said.  In fact, I've developed a complete list of all the famous people who choose to spew their political views, whether right or left.  I'd guess that about half of all famous people are on that list.  And I'd guess I've saved about $34,800 by not going to their movies or buying their songs.  I'd suggest you do the same. 

By the way, with that amount I could afford to attend one of Mr. Oblamo's little Dinner Party Fundraisers for the Stars.  Or not.

On second thought, keep spewing your tripe.  And I'll keep saving.  Oh, and by the way, please don't tell me about your bedroom preferences either.  If you're gay, keep it to yourself. Michael Sam insured I'll never watch the St. Louie Rams ever again when he kissed his boyfriend upon being drafted by them in the 98th round, or something.  Congratulations, Mr. Sam, but get a room. 

13.  I'd like to see a return to citizen legislators such as we enjoyed as a country back in the days of our Founding Fathers.  Then, citizen patriots such as Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and even George Washington left their family farms, or their job as a blacksmith, or running a general store and headed off to the new Washington, D.C.  There, they spent a couple of years trying to help form and manage our New Republic.  Then they returned home where they truly belonged. 

Now, we have career congresspeople who have two jobs; get elected, and then get reelected.  They spend decades on the public dole, sucking out bennies from you and me, the taxpayers.  They stop working for The People and start working for themselves the minute they get off the plane at Reagan National.  And they lose contact with the peoples' wills and wants.  Thus, they become little more than pigs feeding at the public trough.  Go home, you slugs.  Go home, and leave us alone.  

There.  I've said it.  These are the things we need but don't have.  Maybe somebody out there in Internet Land will decide to make one or more of these bucket list dreams of mine come true.  In fact, maybe you have one of your own.  If so, send it along as a comment and we can expand my list ever further. Until then, have a great summer...

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Ending Mass Murder


It seems that every couple of weeks there's another mass murder.  Some godless dude, usually, but not always beige in color, goes absolutely postal and stabs, knifes, clubs or mows down a bunch of innocent people, and that's all the so-called Mainstream Dinosaur Media talks about for the next several days.  Or weeks.  And that's all the politicians want to talk about for the next several months.

Unless the killings occur in Barry's hometown of Chicago, of course, and then the whole thing gets a pass from the Media.

As the dad of a kid shot to death in Isla Vista, a Santa Barbara enclave, a couple of weeks ago said, there has to be an answer to this. There has to be a way to end this madness, he said.  Besides eliminating the NRA, of course, which as a good, and grieving, hard-core lefty, he advocated vociferously.  Well, children, I believe I have the answer...

First, a little history:

Nidal Hassan:  Army major, Soldier of Allah.  Said so on his business card (!).  Wouldn't you have thought somebody would have picked up on that?  Registered Democrat and Jihadist Muslim who killed 13 and wounded another 32 at Fort Hood, Texas. This Fort, and all other military installations in the U.S., was, and is, a "Gun Free Zone," made so by Billy Jeff "Blue Dress" Clinton's 1993 executive order. No one knows why he would forge into being such a ridiculous, dumbass, foolish, stupid law, but he did. Killed by an off-duty, armed civilian lady cop, thankfully.  Did I mention she was armed?   

Aaron Alexis:  Black liberal, registered Democrat, Obama supporter, who shot up the Navy Yard in Virginia.  A "Gun Free Zone."  Killed himself.  Thankfully.

Seung-Hui Cho:  Registered Democrat, wrote nasty hate mail to President Bush and his staff.  Walked past sign stating "Gun Free Zone" to shoot up Virginia Tech and kill more than two dozen young students.  Ummm, yeah.

James Holmes:  The stark raving nuts "Dark Knight," who drove past two Aurora, Colorado theaters until he found one announcing it was a "Gun Free Zone" so he could kill more than two dozen and wound scores more. Registered Democrat, staff worker for the Obama campaign, big Occupy Wall Street supporter. Hated Christians.  Sensing a pattern here?

Andrew J. Stack:  Flew small plane into the IRS building in Texas, injuring many, Registered Democrat and hard-core Progressive leftist.  Strangely, no guns involved.  But we have to consider outlawing Cessnas and Pipers, right?  

James J. Lee:  "Green Activist" who took hostages at the Discovery Channel while armed.  Progressive Liberal Democrat.  No deaths.  Thankfully.

Jared Loughner:  Leftist, Marxist, Registered Democrat who shot Congresswoman Gabby Giffords in the head at a town meeting in Tucson, AZ.  Giffords and her husband Mark, launch anti-gun PAC.  Not an anti-mentally ill PAC, unfortunately.  Seems inveterate leftists are incapable of placing blame where it truly belongs.  

Lee Harvey Oswald:  Communist, Marxist, Registered Democrat, shot and killed John F. Kennedy.  Or so they say... 

Sirhan Sirhan Sirhan (Sirhan Sirhan?):  Communist, Marxist, Registered Democrat who shot and killed Bobby Kennedy. Crime caught on tape, so there's no question as to who did it.

Adam Lanza:  Son of committed leftist and registered Democrat.  Tried to buy guns.  Rebuffed when he couldn't pass Universal Background Checks (which is what the Democrats want, right?).  Stole his mother's guns.  Killed her with them.  Later shot his way into a locked-down school, killed more than 20 little kids and 6 teachers at Sandy Hook Elementary School.  A "Gun Free Zone," once again.  Lanza committed 23 separate felonies during his horrific onslaught that day, then killed himself when he heard the police car sirens.  Maybe if we pass a few more laws (we have more than 20,000 anti-gun laws on the books already!) it will stop those willing to break laws to commit mass murder.  Yeah, that's the ticket!  More laws!  

Can anyone tell me why room temperature I.Q. liberals think that criminals who don't follow the law will begin to follow the law if we simply pass more laws for them to follow?  Just asking.

Christopher Loughner (should we start investigating anyone named Loughner?):  Ex-cop, Black activist, committed leftist, registered Democrat.  Shot up parts of Los Angeles, which is a world-class toilet, killing several, and Big Bear, a squeaky-clean skiing enclave a hundred miles away.  Took an old couple hostage.  Shot to death.  Good.

Bill Ayers:  Weather Underground bomber and killer, committed far-left dangerous liberal and Democrat.  Married Bernadette Dorne, a committed far-left dangerous liberal and Democrat.  Never convicted, never punished, never repented. Rewarded with a professorship at the University of Chicago, Obama's home town.  Funny how that works, isn't it?  Rumor has it he ghost-wrote "Dreams From My Father," B. Hussein Obama's little book that launched his political career.  I'm guessing his target was a "Bomb Free Zone."

Harris and Klebold:  Columbine High School shooters. Families Progressive Liberal Democrats and leftists.  Another "Gun Free Zone," of course.

And to this list we add...

Elliot Rodger:  Mass murderer and privileged child of Progressive leftists and registered Democrat parents who knifed and killed three, shot and killed three, and drove over four more in Isla Vista, using a $45,000 BMW provided by his doting daddy.  The entire town of Santa Barbara, and the state in which it's located, is effectively a "Gun Free Zone."  

So what do all these crazed, godless killers have in common?

They are all Democrats.  And they all looked for "Gun Free Zones" in which to do their evil.  They may be crazy, but they're not stupid.  They know it's best to look for victims in a place where they're not likely to face armed resistance.  They all want to go out in a blaze of glory, but for some unknown reason need to take a few innocents with them.  Is there a better place to do that then a "Gun Free Zone?"

Doubt me?  Then ask yourself this:  Why there is never a mass shooting at gun shows or police stations?

So how do we end mass murder?  

A):  We could outlaw Democrats from buying knives over, say, two inches in length, any guns at all, ever, and anything bigger than Smart Cars, which would simply bounce off pedestrians, leaving only a slight bruise on their shins, which they could then have treated under Obamacare at their local hospital...if the hospital takes Obamacare, which is far from a given.  Of course, there's probably someone somewhere who would object to my solution because of that pesky 2nd Amendment, which unfortunately applies to Democrats also.  

If so, B):  We could simply change all those plaintive, ridiculous, worthless, nonsensical, dangerous and stupid signs announcing "Gun Free Zone," to "Gun - and Democrat - Free Zone."  I mean, Democrats believe passing more laws will fix the problem, right?  And they always follow the law, always, right?  

Well, with the possible exceptions of those named above...

You don't have to thank me.  It's why God put me here...  

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Department of Scandal Abatement.


Those who know me know I'm a prodigious, accomplished, acclaimed blogger, author, poet, statesman, pool hustler, great white hunter, amateur racing legend, chili chef, marketing and sales genius, humorist and dedicated patriot. 

Or at least, a blogger.

So, having all that on my professional curriculum vitae (resume, to you know-nothings), I wrote the White House and asked to interview our glorious POTUS.  And then, hearing nothing, I wrote again.  And again.

Finally, after what seemed an eternity (it truly seems like an eternity since that guy was elected!), I got a call saying my request had been granted.  Off to D.C. I went, ready to ask our Insurance-Salesman-in-Chief all the questions you'd ask if only you had the chance.  And here's how it went down...

Chuckmeister:  Thank you, Mr. President, for granting me this interview.  

POTUS:  No problem, Chuckmeister, glad to do it.  Just make it snappy.  I have a 1:00 p.m. tee-time.  And you know nothing's going to keep me from that.

Chuckmeister:  Okay then.  Mr. President, you said you would be conducting an investigation about the "Fast and Furious" gun-running scheme that shipped thousands of military-style "assault" rifles paid for with Stimulus Funds to the Mexican drug cartels.  When will we be getting an answer back on that? 

POTUS:  Yeah, I read about that in the papers.  I'm really angry about that.  Really angry!  In fact, I shall not rest until we've appointed a commission, studied it in-depth and arrived at a conclusion as to how this could have possibly happened. But in the meantime, I really cannot talk about it.  It's under investigation, you know.
  

Chuckmeister:  You stated that the IRS' targeting of conservative groups who had made applications for tax-exempt status was outrageous and that you would be investigating it.  Have you reached a conclusion on that investigation?  

POTUS:  Just like you, I wouldn't have known about that if I hadn't seen it on the news.  And I am outraged that a few bone-headed mistakes in some regional IRS office somewhere occurred, but there's not a smidgen of corruption, I'm sure. Not even a smidgen!  But, I have ordered an investigation and I shall not rest until we get to the bottom of it. Until then, I can't talk about it, you know.

Chuckmeister:  Our Consulate in Benghazi was under attack for more than 11 hours, Mr. President, and no one did anything to save the four Americans who were killed that night. You said you'd be conducting an investigation.  How's that working out?

POTUS:  I am outraged that an awful video by some shadowy character could have had such a result.  Which, by the way, I learned about in the media.  I have called for an investigation and I won't rest until we get to the bottom of it. Thank God for the Mainstream Media.  Otherwise I wouldn't have known about it at all.  

Chuckmeister:  How about the fact that your "Cash for Clunkers" program wound up costing billions, effected the environment and gas mileage not a whit, and demolished millions of starter cars that little Johnnie and Julie would have used to get to their job at McDonalds?  

POTUS:  Yeah, I learned about that on the evening news. NBC, I think it was.  I am angry it worked out that way.  Really angry!  I've called on my Cabinet to investigate it and get back to me on how to make sure the next time we try to micromanage the economy and involve the Government in things it shouldn't be messing with, it works out better.  In fact, I promise not to rest until we get that answer. 

But I can tell  you MickeyD's should pay their workers at least $10.10 an hour, or maybe $15, or even more, I mean, those fast food joints can afford it, right?  And if they did, then kids could afford better cars, right?  They wouldn't have to concern themselves that I destroyed hundreds of thousands of starter cars via "Cash for Clunkers."  And without ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS, CNN and MSPMS, I wouldn't have been aware of the extent of this problem.

Chuckmeister:  Mr. President, could you tell me and my readers why you've decided to use the EPA to kill more than 250,000 jobs in coal mines nationwide, and quite possibly double our electric bills?

POTUS:  Am I doing that?  Funny.  I haven't seen that on the news yet.  If that is happening, and I'm not sure that if it is, I am really angry!  I promise not to rest until we get to the bottom of it.  In fact, I think I'll order an investigation. But until we get the results back, I, of course, won't be able to comment on it.

Chuckmeister:  And then there's the VA scandal.  We know your transition team was advised back in 2008 that there were serious problems with the VA delivering quality healthcare to our veterans, and we know you promised to make it the signature effort of your presidency.  Can you tell us how this managed to get so screwed up?

POTUS:  Yes, I just saw that on CNN.  I can tell you that this has me outraged!  I have sent my Assistant Secretarial Deputy Associate Chief of Veterans Healthcare Affairs to Las Vegas to check this out.  And if it turns out that there's anything to this accusation, and I'm not sure there is, well then I'm going to be even more angry!  And then I'll order an investigation, of course.  And once I do, you understand I won't be able to discuss it until the investigation is complete. And I tell you I won't rest until we get to the bottom of this!  

Chuckmeister:  And then there's the NSA snooping on ordinary average American citizens.  Are you okay with that?

POTUS:  Just learned about that in the newspaper, Chuckmeister.  Thankfully we have an independent media that keeps me informed of such things.  I have to tell you, this makes me really, really angry.  I mean, who do they think they are?  I promise to investigate this thoroughly.  And I won't rest at all until we get to the bottom of it.  Not at all.  Of course, until the results from the investigation are in, you'll understand I can't comment on it.

Just about the time I was preparing another question to ask the TelePrompTer-in-Chief, I awoke in a start.  I sat straight up in bed, sweating profusely.  It was the middle of the night.  I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and then realized it had all been a dream.  And a bad one, at that.  I tried my best to get back to sleep, but couldn't. I was beset with the knowledge that these were not the only questions that should be asked of the Vacationer-in-Chief, and that they were the questions that likely wouldn't be asked by our sycophantic pantywaist Media. And, perhaps more importantly, there will be many, many more to come.

In fact, I decided that night, laying in bed, that what our Government really needs is a Department of Scandal Abatement.  It should be a Secretarial, Cabinet position, to make sure that when a scandal pops up, as they do just about every week now, we will have a place to send them.  A place where they will be fully and completely investigated so that the Community Organizer-in-Chief will have all the answers he needs so he can finally get some rest.

Being POTUS is tiring, you know...

Friday, June 6, 2014

Mexican-American War, Part Deux


Okay, here it is.  I'm sick and tired of our cousins from down south treating us and our country like their own personal ATM.

I'm sick and tired of them expecting us to take in their main export - poor and ignorant, illegal alien undocumented Democrats - and feed, and house, and educate, and welcome them heartily, while they treat our folks like garbage in return. California even gives them driver's licenses, for Christ's sake! Imagine what we'd give them if they were, oh, I don't know, rapists, murderers and identity thieves?  Oh yeah, we already do that.  We turn them loose from our over-capacity prisons to roam free and ply their trade...crime! 

Example?  How about Marine Sergeant Andrew Tahmooressi?  Arrested, charged, jailed, stripped naked, tortured, beaten, jaw dislocated and chained to his bunk for making the very reasonable mistake of missing a turn and winding up in that world-class toilet known as Tijuana. Because the crossing is so convoluted, I, myself, have made that mistake twice.  Without negative consequences, thank God.  Those of you living in a better part of North America, which is almost any part of North America, need to know.  It's very, very easy to do.   

Two months he's been held.  Why doesn't our President pick up his famous "I don't need no stinkin' Congress!" phone and call Meheeeko's Prez and demand our Marine's release?  Or, maybe take out his famous pen and write his counterpart down south a nice, smarmy little "apology" note? 

Why doesn't our Secretary of State do the same?  All he has to do is issue a "Travel Advisory" for Mexico and their vacay visitors will be reduced to a trickle.  And their supply of dollars will be cut off dramatically.  Do you know how many tacos you can buy with pesos?  Not too many.  

Are they cowards?  Or is it that they just don't give a damn?  

In any event, I think it's time that we, the American citizens, take matters into our own hands.  As a decorated military veteran and one considered armed and potentially quite dangerous by all who know me, but a fun-loving, party-type guy, nonetheless, I have conjured up a plan to go in and get our imprisoned comrade, as well as mounting a coup to take over their beautiful, but horribly mismanaged country.  And, I need your help to make it a reality.  So here goes...

First, we go to a couple of patriotic Chevy and Ford dealers and get them to loan us some big ass SUVs.  Big enough to hold, say, six or seven slightly overweight, aging veterans. I'm guessing that a dozen or so Suburbans and Expeditions should do.  

Second, we ask for veteran volunteers.  I'm talking Vietnam, Panama, Desert Storm and Iraq/Afghan vets who have volunteered before and are no strangers to combat.  I'm talking about guys who know what's it like to go toward the sound of gunfire.  Unlike almost anyone who serves in Foggy Bottom these days, by the way.  

Guys who are majorly pissed about the way our country's been treated by the Mexicans and the crap they've been shoveling our way for decades and want a little retribution. Figure six per SUV, times a dozen SUVs, we're talking maybe 70 - 75 big, bulky, paunchy - but pissed - ex-military guys would be enough.

Third, we get a some gun stores to loan us a few dozen "Assault Rifles."  Now, you know what they are, right?  They're those scary black guns and look like they belong in the hands of the military...even though they don't.  They're more properly called "Modern Sporting Rifles."  They are the most  popular rifles in America, by far, for target shooting, hunting and self-protection.  They are semi-automatic, meaning they fire once for every time you pull the trigger.  They are not "machine guns," as there have been no civilian machine guns for sale here in your local gun store since Al Capone was frog-marched into Alcatraz.  But there's no shortage of lefty, commie dumbasses in D.C. and the Dinosaur Media who would like you to believe otherwise. They are "black rifles," and that's why the lefty scardycat weenies hate them.  

But our POTUS, who seems to lie when the truth would sound better, and our V.P. "Sheriff" Joe, who only makes a fool of himself when he opens his mouth, and Lady Di Feinstein, who must have been scared as a kid by a gun and now is on a tear to outlaw them all, and Little Mikey Bloomberg, the miniature ex-NYC mayor who is using his immense wealth to make sure nobody in America has any fun at all, and Big Mikey Moore, the porky gasbag docucraperie maker, and a whole cadre of commies who want us disarmed so that it would be easier for the lefty politicians to take over the country without any fear of armed resistance from the proletariat, make it their business to lie to you about guns. 

But, for the purposes of this little rant, and plan, we'll call them "Assault Rifles," and ask our friendly gun store managers to loan us a few.  Like, one per volunteer vet.  Oh, and the ammunition they require.  We probably won't need much ammo for the reasons outlined below.

Fourth, we get backing from a couple of millionaire patriots with some serious cash.  I'm thinking Mitt Romney, for one. He's got to be pissed for having been beaten in his bid for POTUS by a guy without a single redeeming virtue, except for being able to read from a TelePrompTer, that is.  Say, a million bucks.  In twenties. Crisp and new.  In bundles.  And in briefcases.  Still with me?

Fifth, and now it gets interesting.  There's supposed to be about 103 Million Mexicans.  Now, you and I know that at least 15 or 20 million of them are already here, so that leaves no more than, say, 80 - 85 million there.  And the ones with any money, the ones who would be able to buy guns to defend themselves, if they were of such a mind, the members of the 500 or so families that control the country, are probably here also, visiting in Beverly Hills and La Jolla and Lost Wages, living it up in their "other" home.  So, the folks left in Mexico are peons without the means to protect themselves - remember, guns are illegal in Mexico - and the military, which is corrupt and easily bought off.  We know that's true; the drug cartels have been buying them off for decades.

So, at a given time, say 2:00 o'clock on a hot summer Tuesday afternoon, when our southern cousins are beginning to take their siestas, our vets pile into their SUVs, with briefcases full of cash, and their AR-15s, loaded and at the ready, and position themselves at every major border crossing from San Diego to Brownsville.  And then, all at once, on cue, they crash through the borders, windows down, wind in their hair, if they still have any hair, and begin tossing crisp $20 bills in the direction of the crooked border guards. The guards would be so busy scrambling for the money on the ground that they wouldn't give a good goddam about who's blowing through their crappy little border crossings.  And then our boys would have nothing between them and Mexico City except a thousand miles and a stray military guy or two, who they'd simply buy off as needed.  

Who knows?  Some of the Mexican military might defect and join our guys in their little quest.

Within a few hours all our guys would be in the Capitol and have already mounted their coup. Their Prez out, one of our guys in.  I'm guessing we'd be able to take the country without firing a shot.  And the people there, who hate their government and the oligarchs who run it, would welcome us as liberators.  We could even offer them green cards if they'd help us manage that country's morass of horsepucky.  And don't tell me offering them green cards would be anything new.  Our Golfer-in-Chief is doing it now, right?  

One thing's for sure, we couldn't do worse then they have in running their country.  And we might do a lot better.  And everybody, them and us, would be far better off for the effort.

Now what, Mr. Chuckmeister?  What happens next?  Well, dear reader, thank you for asking.  I have the answer.  Pour a nice glass of Cab, cooled to a near perfect 60 degrees, sit back, and learn.  

We offer the Mexicans who have broken into our country the chance to keep what they've stolen from us, and we'll keep what we've just stolen from them. They can have Compton, and Lost Angeles, and El Centro, and the other piece-of-crap towns they have ruined and we'll take the pristine 4,000 miles of white sand beaches stretching up and down the Baja and the Mainland.  

We'll build Hyatt Regencies and Crowne Plazas and Sheratons and "W's" and maybe even some Holiday Inns. And they can keep the country they've ruined.  They can have what they call "Aztlan," and we'll take what they chose to leave behind.  And once we do, don't be trying to break into our country - you know, the one we've just stolen - by coming back south across what you call "La Frontera (you can't even bring yourselves to call it the "Border," can you?).  You made your hammock and now you're gonna' have to lay in it.  I'm going to position the ex-military guys who we used to mount our coup on the border, with guns pointed north, just waiting for you to try.  Don't try...

Think that's extreme?  Mexico has their military on their border with Nicaragua, Guatemala and Honduras, equipped with nice, shiny machine guns, all loaded up, just waiting for any refugees to head their way.  And they will shoot them if they try.  They have.  They will.  The die has been cast here, people.

What do you think of my little plan?  If you're in, simply write me with your contact information and I'll start getting the parts and pieces ready.  And remember to bring your own camouflage.  Maybe in the aftermath of our Mexican-American War, Part Deux, we can come up with a better result than we did with the last one...

Friday, May 30, 2014

No More Mexico


I recall an event a few years back when my wife and I were returning back to Alta California from a quick vacay in Puerto Nuevo.  We were stopped mere yards from crossing back into the relative safety of the U.S. by a motorcycle cop.  He looked for all the world like Ponch of "Chips" fame.  Creases on his uniform you could cut your hands on.  Mirrored sunglasses.  Neatly trimmed 'stache.  Harley gleaming.  He asked in Spanish if we spoke Spanish.  We told him no. "That's alright," he said, "I speak English."  He surely did. Better than 90% of Americans I know.  

He told us we were driving one mile an hour over the speed limit!  Really?  One mile an hour?  Yes, he said, and that we'd have to follow him to the Police Station where we'd be arrested, arraigned and charged.  Several hours it would take, he said.  And then a fine.  A hefty one.  Of course.

Or, he said, we could just pay him $35.00 - in cash - and the whole problem would simply go away.  We were astonished. But we ponied up the cash.  I asked for a receipt.  My wife dug her fingernails into my leg so fiercely that I was sure blood would gush.  I relented in my request for a receipt.  Grumbling loudly, we paid up the "mordida" and made our way out of the toilet known as Tijuana.  And for the last time.

Now, some years later, Marine Sgt. Andrew Tahmooressi, two-tour Afghanistan vet, made the mistake I've made on at least two prior occasions.  He missed a turn at this extremely confusing checkpoint and found himself in Mexico.  Since he'd just moved to Taxifornia he had all his worldly possessions in his truck.  That included three legally-acquired and -registered guns.  Our neighbors to the south responded to this mistake by throwing our Marine vet into prison.  And chaining him to a bed.  And beating him.  And torturing him. 

This occurred two months ago.  And our Marine is still being held against his will in a Tijuana prison.  It seems our President is too busy to pick up his famous phone and call Mexico's Prez to try and get our guy back home.  I'm guessing he's probably trying to fix his VA scandal.  Or his IRS scandal. Or his Fast and Furious scandal.  Or his NSA scandal.  Or maybe he's playing golf, or packing for his next vacation.  

And it seems our Secretary of State can't find the time to fix this problem either.  John "Lurch" Kerry was in Mexico last week but couldn't bring himself to explain to our cousins south of the border what could happen to their country if America chose to retaliate against them for this shocking event.  

Which we should.

Whatever.  He's still there.  Should a Mexican find himself on this side of the border...on purpose...we'd give him a driver's license, food stamps, subsistence, free education for his kids and a pathway to citizenship.  In Mexico an American hero is beaten and chained to his bed.  

This is an outrage.  I suggest that anyone reading this screed pass it along to any and all.  I suggest that we Americans respond to Mexico's affront by choosing never to go there again.  I suggest that we choose to withhold our discretionary travel and vacay money from Mexico.  Until they can find it in their hearts to treat our citizens like we treat theirs, I suggest that we freeze them out of the money mill.  Let's see how they get along without our dollars.  My call to action is...

No More Mexico.

Pass it along...

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Climate (Fill In The Blank)


Global warming.  Climate change.  Climate disruption.  What's next?  I'm guessing there's a whole bunch of liberal weenies in the festering bowels of the White House sitting around, trying to come up with a new, and better, term for anthropogenic (man made) destruction taking place in our atmosphere.  That's because the old terms just haven't caught on with the proletariat.  

That's right.  They - we - just don't seem to get it.  The World Is Coming To An End and the sheeple frankly don't give a damn.  And when the sheeple don't give a damn, it's really, really hard to tax them into the Stone Age in an effort to correct it.  And that, my friends, is where the rubber meets the road; come up with a new and better way to hypmotize people into giving up even more of their hard-earned dollars, and freedoms, so those nice liberal socialist commie pinko dumbass weenies can use them to save our puny, unimportant, and unappreciative lives. 

Oh, I know, we're told over and over that 97% of all climate scientists agree 110% of the time that we're deep in the midst of Global (fill in the blank) doodoo.  We're told it's getting set to ruin our lives.  To burn us alive in a cataclysmic roasting!  To raise our temperature to the point where the ice caps will melt, the oceans will rise 8 - 10 - even 20 feet, inundating Miami and L.A., and causing the crops to wither on the vines.  97%!  Do you believe that crap?

Turns out you shouldn't.  The 97% figure so oft repeated by our very own Insurance-Salesman-in-Chief came from a study performed some years ago by the University of Queensland, Australia.  And then it turns out that UQ now disavows that percentage as being, ummm, a bit shall we say, overinflated.  Just a bit.  Actually, as was reported on May 19th, it seems that the more accurate number of those buying into this witchcraft is 0.03%.  Yes, less than 1%!  But hey, what's a little bit of exaggeration among friends, anyway?  

Oh, and you should also know that the Aussies just trimmed (slashed?) their global warming abatement budget by a full 90%.  90%!  One wonders why they stopped there. Why not 100%?  If there's no global warming, why spend a farthing on it?

Well, my friends, and you are my friends, let's just, for the sake of getting along, agree that 97% of all climate scientists agree that Global (fill in the blank) is already upon us.  Okay. But has anyone bothered to mention that 97% of all climate scientists work at, or in, the halls of academy?  In the universities and colleges around the world?  In the Government bureaus where they're paid, and paid well?  At the United Nations Intergovernmental Climate Science Bureau?  Places where the only way they can continue to draw a fat paycheck and funding for their ever-so-important climate studies is if they parrot the words and phrases that those who are writing the checks are demanding?  And those writing the checks - and want to write more - are the Gummint thieves who have taken our money and are busy redistributing it to the scientists?  

Yet, it appears, that the other 3% (or, more likely, several times that number) don't agree; they think the whole thing is so much balderdash and are not hesitant to say so.  That's because they aren't Gummint employees, or college or university professors, or members of the Dinosaur Media, or UN paid liers and don't need to lie in order to eat.  That would, by the way, include the founder and CEO of the Weather Channel.  He doesn't think that Global (fill in the blank) is happening. And many, many, many other non-sycophants agree.  That includes many, if not most, of the weather meteorologist-types appearing nightly on your local TV.  That includes long-time weather guy and "Wheel of Fortune" host Pat Sajac.  He just offered up on Twitter a nifty little comment:  "Global warming alarmists are unpatriotic racists."  Fun guy, that Pat.  Google it.  And get educated.

These nice folks are aware that there was smog in the Los Angeles Valley 500 years ago. That's when American Indians were burning wood in their campfires (for shame!) and causing soot and ash to accumulate in the Valley, which, by the way, is surrounded by mountains.  That's what happens when there's an onshore breeze, which here in the once-Golden State is just about all of the time.  It seems the breezes push all the nasties in the air up against the mountains, creating both smoke and fog (that would be "smog" to you non-L.A.-types). And they are aware that what's burning in China and India today will be in our atmosphere in a week. The loonies who spout the company line apparently think there's a 60,000 foot tall Plexiglas wall surrounding America, keeping out the crap coming over from Asia and India and Europe.  They give us humans much more credit than we deserve in terms of our ability to change the climate.  They realize that CO2 is at an all-time high in our atmosphere but the temperature hasn't altered more than 1/2 degree in the past 50 years. And it won't.  

Remember when Al Gore, that paragon of human carbon-spewing, told us that the ice caps would be gone by 2013?  Ummm, he was wrong.  He's been wrong on just about everything his whole life , including the fact that if he'd won his home state, Tennessee, in the 2000 election, he'd have been our president instead of W.  What a shame.  What an idiot!

By the by, Al, the ice caps have expanded by more than 50% over the past couple of years. The Polar Bears couldn't be happier.  A fun-loving group, them.

By the way, have you seen that picture of a Polar Bear perched on an ice floe, looking forlorn and prepping to drown?  If so, you should know that Polar Bears can swim more than 60 miles looking for a stray seal to munch on.  Sixty miles!  Don't feel sorry for Polar Bears.  They're doing just fine, thank you.  

And, by the way, a no doubt fine gentleman named Laurent Fabius, Secretary of State of France, just opined on May 14th that we, the human race, have only 500 days to avoid what he calls "...climate chaos."  500 days.  He said that to our Secretary of State Mr. John "Lurch" Kerry, who totally agrees with him.  Well, I used to live in France and I can tell you that you couldn't do better than to disagree with any of them just about all of the time. Have you ever seen a picture of a French war hero?  That's the guy with his fingers folded together neatly on top of his head.  Did you read the "for sale" ad for a French military rifle? "Only dropped once," it said.

Oh, and I'd be remiss if I didn't mention what our very own Governor, Jerry Brown, had to say on the subject just this past week.  After first stating emphatically that our recent brush fires are due not to drought, or arson, but to "global warming."  What a dweeb!  He also commented about the same story I just mentioned about that cheese-eating surrender monkey's comments.  He got really exercised about the ice caps melting and the oceans rising 20 feet.  He called a press conference and stated, somewhat breathlessly, that we - Californians - would have to immediately raise taxes so we could pay to quickly relocate LAX Airport.  Just then his Press Secretary tugged on his gubernatorial sleeve and whispered in his ear that LAX is at an elevation of 100 feet above sea level.  "Never mind," said Brown.  The last I heard he was auditioning for a part in "Dumb and Dumberer Three."

So, here's the bottom line.  Yes, we have Global Warming, or Climate Change, or Climate Disruption, or even Climate Chaos.  Or something.  It's called...

                          WEATHER!

But, my friends, I want to help.  And these dufusses need that help.  So I've reached deep down in an effort to help come us with some new and even better catch phrases to help scare the piss out of you, our friendly sheeple.  So how about these:

Global Kerfuffle
Climate Unpleasantness
Global Temperature Irregularity
Climate Difficulty
Global Houston, we've got a problem!
Climate Theicebeameltin

Or, we could get really serious and come up with some much more pointed names:

Climate Shitbehappeninnow!
Global Gonnabehot!
Climate Whoopsie!
Global Getunderthebed!
Climate Hidethekids!
Climate Ibecrappinmypants!
Global Coalbadwindgood!

So, keep your hands on your wallet.  Obama and his sycophantic Lib friends want to tax you until you drop, all in the name of keeping you from turning a bright red.  He's lying. They're lying.  I'm waiting for a knock at the door from the NSA, the SWAT teams, the Secret Service, the FBI and the EPA.  That's because I'm a climate denier!  I'm pretty sure they won't let me get away with actually telling you the truth...