The Cybertruck "Pipedream."

As a self-described near-expert on all things automotive,* I just had to write to you, my Fellow Patriots, about this new rolling outrage called the "Cybertruck."

Perhaps I should start by reminding you about P. T. Barnum's famous quote, "There's a sucker born every minute."  And I would offer that 3,818 of them, so far, have bought a Cybertruck from "Elon the Rich."

I've heard Mr. Musk designed the Cybertruck on the back of a napkin.  Most likely whilst engaged in a drug-induced pipedream.  It looks like it, doncha' think?  A comic book caricature of what a pickup truck should look like.  And be.  And in sheet stainless steel, no less!  Almost impossible to form, as sheet stainless steel has innate memory.  It wants to "spring back" into its original shape.  Unless it's smashed by a 120 ton press, that is!  And there's only three of them in all of North America, as it turns out.  A time-consuming, expensive process.

And here's a question: why is it necessarily made out of stainless steel, again?  Unless just to be different for the sake of being different?  Oh, because it needs to be bulletproof.  Ummm, okay!  

And bulletproof glass windows?  Really?  What farmer or rancher or builder or carpenter or welder or working man who heads on down to his truck dealer for a new pickup needs bulletproof glass?  Didn't we already incarcerate El Chapo?  Who needs that?  Maybe only a smoked-up $Multi-Zillionaire?  Sorta' makes one lust for a nice, simple F-150, now don't it? 

And however toy-like it looks from a distance, this thing is YUUUGE!  It is almost 19 feet long, almost 6' tall, and nearly 7 and 1/2 feet  wide!  And it weighs more than 6,600 pounds in its cheapest guise!  And well over 7,000 pounds in the two-motor model!  That is the weight of TWO modern compact gas powered sedans!  Saving the planet?  Pullleeeeezzz!

Oh yeah, it accelerates from 0 - 60 in...ready for it?  2.6 seconds!  That's quicker than a Corvette Z-06!  That's wonderful, for a sports car!  But for a...truck?  It will make your gums bleed in a drag race, but how about bringing some hay bales out to the calves in the back 40?  Ummm, not so much...

And did I mention this beast will chew up a set of $1,200 tires every 6,000 miles?  Did I mention that?  Because it weighs more than 3 Tons!  Oh yeah, I did.  It also plays hell with your highways and byways, for the very same reason.  Buuut, because it doesn't need gas, no gas taxes are paid to rebuild the highways it chews up.  Hmmmm...

Yeah, and seeing out of a vehicle is usually very important.  Nice to see what's coming and going, doncha' think?  Not in a Cybertruck, it seems.  Looking out the front windshield is nearly impossible due to its seating position and the windshield's rake.  And it has no rearview mirrors, just cameras.  Forcing one to look down and to the right to see what's happening out the side window and to the left.  Counterintuitive, much?  So in driving this tank I guess its owners assume that everyone else will just get the Hell out of the way...

And they just recalled every one of them every built, including hundreds of those already made and sold but not shipped, because its accelerator pedal cover can fall off and cause it to go FULL THROTTLE!  And you could be at 60 mph and buy the local convenience store before you could say, "Oh Helllll No!!!"

And then there's the proud new owner who decided to go through the local car wash.  And even though there's a "Car Wash Mode" button on the screen, his now-shiny new Cybertruck didn't like it much.  It decided to shut down entirely and turn its control screen black.  For five hours.  And since that screen controls every feature in the vehicle, his doors were locked and he couldn't get out.  For five hours.  Yeah.

And then let's talk "range."  As in, how far will this sucker go after a full charge?  Well, Fellow Patriots, the answer is 224 miles!  Only!  Want to take a trip from L.A. to Vegas?  Yeah, on that 275 miles trip you'd make it just past Baker, and then you'd be toast.  Dead on the side of the freeway.  Clearly, this thing is nothing but a plaything for rich commuters.  Who don't have far to go, or much to do when they get there...

This thing is a flat-out abomination.  And it costs more than $80,000!  Well over $100k with all the bells and whistles.  And they've been traded at auctions so far for more than $150 Large!!!  Because some of our richer "must have now" folks just cannot wait for Elon to build them one. 

Barnum should have been sainted!  And may I say it's a real shame $money can sometimes attach itself to the simplest, most ignorant, dumbest, most foolish and...may I say stupid buttholes in the neighborhood.  The ones who can sing and dance and act, and maybe trade stocks and hit baseballs better than average, for it's likely they are the only folks buying this rolling joke...

Yes I may.    

*   I'm a car nut.  I've read every word I could find about them since I was about 15.  And I've owned 127 of them.  Including Porsches and Corvettes and Mercedes-Benzes and Cadillacs and 5 VW Beetles and a Rolls-Royce.  I even raced AHRA and SCCA for many years, and even spent a summer on the Alfa-Romeo Formula 1 pit crew.  So I form my opinion about one car or truck over another advisedly.  And my opinion about the Cybertruck is carefully formed.  In short, it's an overpriced joke, doodled up by an eccentric $Billionaire to answer a question nobody is asking, and pushed out the door to an over-monied audience before it was ready for Prime Time...