Saturday, June 14, 2014
Department of Scandal Abatement.
Those who know me know I'm a prodigious, accomplished, acclaimed blogger, author, poet, statesman, pool hustler, great white hunter, amateur racing legend, chili chef, marketing and sales genius, humorist and dedicated patriot.
Or at least, a blogger.
So, having all that on my professional curriculum vitae (resume, to you know-nothings), I wrote the White House and asked to interview our glorious POTUS. And then, hearing nothing, I wrote again. And again.
Finally, after what seemed an eternity (it truly seems like an eternity since that guy was elected!), I got a call saying my request had been granted. Off to D.C. I went, ready to ask our Insurance-Salesman-in-Chief all the questions you'd ask if only you had the chance. And here's how it went down...
Chuckmeister: Thank you, Mr. President, for granting me this interview.
POTUS: No problem, Chuckmeister, glad to do it. Just make it snappy. I have a 1:00 p.m. tee-time. And you know nothing's going to keep me from that.
Chuckmeister: Okay then. Mr. President, you said you would be conducting an investigation about the "Fast and Furious" gun-running scheme that shipped thousands of military-style "assault" rifles paid for with Stimulus Funds to the Mexican drug cartels. When will we be getting an answer back on that?
POTUS: Yeah, I read about that in the papers. I'm really angry about that. Really angry! In fact, I shall not rest until we've appointed a commission, studied it in-depth and arrived at a conclusion as to how this could have possibly happened. But in the meantime, I really cannot talk about it. It's under investigation, you know.
Chuckmeister: You stated that the IRS' targeting of conservative groups who had made applications for tax-exempt status was outrageous and that you would be investigating it. Have you reached a conclusion on that investigation?
POTUS: Just like you, I wouldn't have known about that if I hadn't seen it on the news. And I am outraged that a few bone-headed mistakes in some regional IRS office somewhere occurred, but there's not a smidgen of corruption, I'm sure. Not even a smidgen! But, I have ordered an investigation and I shall not rest until we get to the bottom of it. Until then, I can't talk about it, you know.
Chuckmeister: Our Consulate in Benghazi was under attack for more than 11 hours, Mr. President, and no one did anything to save the four Americans who were killed that night. You said you'd be conducting an investigation. How's that working out?
POTUS: I am outraged that an awful video by some shadowy character could have had such a result. Which, by the way, I learned about in the media. I have called for an investigation and I won't rest until we get to the bottom of it. Thank God for the Mainstream Media. Otherwise I wouldn't have known about it at all.
Chuckmeister: How about the fact that your "Cash for Clunkers" program wound up costing billions, effected the environment and gas mileage not a whit, and demolished millions of starter cars that little Johnnie and Julie would have used to get to their job at McDonalds?
POTUS: Yeah, I learned about that on the evening news. NBC, I think it was. I am angry it worked out that way. Really angry! I've called on my Cabinet to investigate it and get back to me on how to make sure the next time we try to micromanage the economy and involve the Government in things it shouldn't be messing with, it works out better. In fact, I promise not to rest until we get that answer.
But I can tell you MickeyD's should pay their workers at least $10.10 an hour, or maybe $15, or even more, I mean, those fast food joints can afford it, right? And if they did, then kids could afford better cars, right? They wouldn't have to concern themselves that I destroyed hundreds of thousands of starter cars via "Cash for Clunkers." And without ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS, CNN and MSPMS, I wouldn't have been aware of the extent of this problem.
Chuckmeister: Mr. President, could you tell me and my readers why you've decided to use the EPA to kill more than 250,000 jobs in coal mines nationwide, and quite possibly double our electric bills?
POTUS: Am I doing that? Funny. I haven't seen that on the news yet. If that is happening, and I'm not sure that if it is, I am really angry! I promise not to rest until we get to the bottom of it. In fact, I think I'll order an investigation. But until we get the results back, I, of course, won't be able to comment on it.
Chuckmeister: And then there's the VA scandal. We know your transition team was advised back in 2008 that there were serious problems with the VA delivering quality healthcare to our veterans, and we know you promised to make it the signature effort of your presidency. Can you tell us how this managed to get so screwed up?
POTUS: Yes, I just saw that on CNN. I can tell you that this has me outraged! I have sent my Assistant Secretarial Deputy Associate Chief of Veterans Healthcare Affairs to Las Vegas to check this out. And if it turns out that there's anything to this accusation, and I'm not sure there is, well then I'm going to be even more angry! And then I'll order an investigation, of course. And once I do, you understand I won't be able to discuss it until the investigation is complete. And I tell you I won't rest until we get to the bottom of this!
Chuckmeister: And then there's the NSA snooping on ordinary average American citizens. Are you okay with that?
POTUS: Just learned about that in the newspaper, Chuckmeister. Thankfully we have an independent media that keeps me informed of such things. I have to tell you, this makes me really, really angry. I mean, who do they think they are? I promise to investigate this thoroughly. And I won't rest at all until we get to the bottom of it. Not at all. Of course, until the results from the investigation are in, you'll understand I can't comment on it.
Just about the time I was preparing another question to ask the TelePrompTer-in-Chief, I awoke in a start. I sat straight up in bed, sweating profusely. It was the middle of the night. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and then realized it had all been a dream. And a bad one, at that. I tried my best to get back to sleep, but couldn't. I was beset with the knowledge that these were not the only questions that should be asked of the Vacationer-in-Chief, and that they were the questions that likely wouldn't be asked by our sycophantic pantywaist Media. And, perhaps more importantly, there will be many, many more to come.
In fact, I decided that night, laying in bed, that what our Government really needs is a Department of Scandal Abatement. It should be a Secretarial, Cabinet position, to make sure that when a scandal pops up, as they do just about every week now, we will have a place to send them. A place where they will be fully and completely investigated so that the Community Organizer-in-Chief will have all the answers he needs so he can finally get some rest.
Being POTUS is tiring, you know...