Stuff to do While You're at Home...

So the world's coming to an end and you've been ordered to stay at home and hunker down and pull the blanket over your head and hope no Bad Guys try and break in and steal all your toilet paper.

And your kids, who until recently had been warehoused during daylight hours by our very expensive educational system while you go off to work to pay for it all, are now at home.  

Unfortunately.  

And they're making you wonder...out loud...to anyone who might listen...why you ever chose to have children.  I understand.  Life's a bitch.  Especially now.  Maybe you'll get lucky and they'll fix this whole virus deal and your life can go back to a more normal level of abject, dismal mediocrity very soon. 

But until then, you'll likely be spending an inordinate amount of time at home.  Against your will, I know.  And it might be nice to try and figure out how you can pass your time until the world returns to normalcy.  And pass it all while avoiding bloodshed.  So I, The Chuckmeister, your old pal, your Scribe Without Portfolio, your Reporter Par Excellance, have decided to share with you a few of my stellar ideas.  Ready?  Here we go...

     -  Play a game of Monopoly:  Likely as not you've never played a game of Monopoly with your kids.  If not, today's a really good day to start.  You can sit them all down around the kitchen table and explain the rules.  Which, by so doing, you'll also be giving them probably their very first bit of tutelage on the subject of Capitalism.  Since they've all been hearing Bernie and his ilk spewing "Progressive" platitudes for their entire lives, delivered to them on a platter by more than a few teachers who've been brainwashed into believing that all profit is bad and socialism is the preferred method, it will do them good to learn a little bit about reality for a change.  Just watch their faces when they're forced to pay "rent" for the first time in their lives.  Especially on Boardwalk and Park Place... 

     -  Itemize an invoice for your kids:  And while your kids are sitting around the kitchen table, use that occasion to itemize for them exactly how much they owe you and your spouse.  You can total up all the Pampers and the swimming lessons and the tennis rackets and the Boy Scout uniforms and the prom dresses and the college tuition and the cars you bought them.  You can put a nice dollar figure on each of the items, grossed up to today's dollars, of course.  Why?  Because, if you still had them, they'd be today's dollars!  Right?  Hello!  Be sure to ask if you've forgotten anything.  I'm sure they'll be happy to assist.  And when you're finished, issue each of them a nice, neat itemized invoice.  

Oh, I know you'll never collect it (the expressions on their faces will assure you of that!), especially because they may still be saddled with an insurmountable gob of student loans they shouldn't have taken out to pay for that degree in Medieval Lesbian Poetry they so coveted.  The same one that qualifies them to ask, "Would you like fries with that?"  But it will sure make you feel good to let them know, right?

Oh yeah, and if any of your kids turns out to be complete bums and losers, just include that invoice on your will as their chunk of your now seriously depleted fortune.

     -  Learn to code:  I keep hearing from guys like Joe Biden that if I ever lost my job I could just "learn to code."  Of course, he was talking at the time to a bunch of Pennsylvania's oil field workers about his promise to kill all their jobs and leave them broke and destitute and with no other choice.  Starvation is a serious form of motivation, to be sure.  

But I'm thinking since we live in a computer-driven world, against our wishes in most cases, we might as well learn how to earn some extra money from home.  Since we'll be there for the next few months.  Or years?  Until this plague goes away, that is.  And Good Ol' Uncle Joe makes it all seem so simple, doesn't he?  And I'm sure our friends at Facebook and Twitter will be happy as a clam to hire them once they've completed their studies.  

So, with the assistance of Google, I'm adding "learning to code," whatever that means, as one of my things-to-do while the world is ending.

     _  Make up new names for the Wuhan Coronavirus:  When you're faced with a pandemic, it's nice to be able to share some laughter.  Especially since there's so little to laugh about these days.  So, I thought maybe making up some new names for the Asian Wuhan Far Eastern Not-From-Here Chinese Coronavirus would add a few laughs to the family get-together.  Go around the table.  I'll start with a couple I've thought up, okay?  How about the "Wu Nu Flu?"  Or, the "Bu Hu Wahu Achoo?"  It's up to you now.  Your turn...

     -  Inventory all your toilet paper:  Once you've done so, then "sequester" it in a place with a lock on it.  Then distribute it, one roll at a time, to each bathroom.  Thereafter, require each of your family members to check out any further rolls from Central Supply (the trunk of your locked car), one roll at a time thereafter, as needed.  Ask for written "Requests for Paper Products" prior to issuance.  But only as a reward for good behavior during this time of Total Sequestration.  

There's more than one way to achieve good behavior, doncha' know... 

     -  Clean all your weapons:  This might also be a good time to bring out all your firearms and give them a good Spring cleaning.  Be sure to have all your kids and your wife bring theirs as well.  It's a great opportunity for some of that "family time" we're all seeking.  Give your firearms the loving care they truly deserve.  After all, you cannot expect them to work properly in times of need unless you've given them proper care.  Oh yeah, and inventory all your ammunition as well, as you surely do not want to run out during our National Crisis.  Especially since no-nothing bozos who run our "blue" states, like our brain dead Boy Guv Gavin Newsom, and his counterparts in NJ, and NY, and CO, and RI, and WA, and OR, and IL, and MD, and, and, and, are perennially attempting to prevent you from buying more.  Who knows?  Some perpetrator might try and separate you from your toilet paper.  And we couldn't have that...

What, you don't have firearms?  You're the one!

     -  Learn to play the guitar and sing:  This is a valuable skill you now have time to master.  And don't try and tell me you never hankered to learn to play the guitar so you could get more girls.  After all, that's really the only reason young lads ever take up the instrument.  Getting girls, after all, is the singular focus of those bearing loads of testosterone looking for an outlet.  Pluuuus, if you're successful, you can try and find an agent, on line, who'll get you a recording deal, on line.  And then you can join the ranks of the suddenly unemployed "stars" who've now been relegated to just another bunch of stay-at-home parents, without sequins, putting on concerts in their basements, in their jammies.  On line...

     -  Learn karate:  I'm sure there's a whole bunch of "how to" videos on YouTube explaining in great detail how to be a modern-day Bruce Lee.  And since you're at home all day, you can set up a few 2 x 4's in your garage and start learning how the 5th degree black belts do it.  Or even the 4th or 3rd degrees.  Just keep on hacking away until you break the board.  Or your hand.  But try not to do that; the hospitals are full.  You may have to set it yourself and mold your own cast.  And I'm sure there are YouTube videos telling you exactly how to do that as well...

     -  Clean out your garage:  You know you've been planning to clean out and straighten and arrange your garage for the longest time.  Don't try and get out of it.  I know you've been doing so.  And now's the exact time to do it.  Just take a deep breath - through your mask - and go out there and clean it up.  It will give you some fresh air, which you need, and some exercise, which you need.  And you might, just might come up with a stack of crap you don't need and somebody else might like.  So, then put together an outdoor garage sale.  Be sure to put up signs reflecting that "social distancing" norms will be observed.  In fact, put your kids in charge of setting up and running the whole thing, and then let them keep the money as their reward for actually starting...and completing a task.  What a concept!

And finally...

     -  Learn to tend bar:  No doubt you have an entire collection of miscellaneous mixers for which to make all sorts of exotic cocktails in your bar.  Except you know nothing about how to use them to make delicious cocktails.  You just bought them at Total Wine because you thought you might sometime need them. 

So I'd suggest you go on line and collect a bunch of recipes for nifty libations like Classic Margaritas, Whisky Sours, Sidecars, Grasshoppers, Pink Ladies and so many other high-class cocktails designed to make fine approachable babes shed their unmentionables.  And since we're now in the unfortunate situation where no quality babes are wandering by your home, and you'd like to change all that, now is the exact time for you to prepare for that testosterone dump which is surely to follow your preparing for your future as Bartender to the Stars.  

So until this little "speedbump" on the freeway of life passes us by and we get back to a more "normal" way of life, I'd like to suggest you find positive and creative ways to pass your sequestration.  It's your job to keep your family together and safe and this unfortunate time of national crisis.  How well you and others like you do, may well define what we look like as a society when we finally emerge from the other end of this collective nightmare.  

Sort of like Moses emerging from the Ark, I would guess...