The Chuckmeister's 2020 Resolutions...

Damn!  I forgot to make my 2020 New Years resolutions!  

I don't know what happened.  I must have been struck down by the very same ailment that has befallen our friend Joe Biden, one of the dozens of Democrat candidates for POTUS.  One tends to get a bit forgetful as one ages.  Especially if you age as much as Joe Biden.  And me...

And because I failed to do so, make my resolutions that is, I've been sort of flailing around without guidance or purpose since 1/1/2020.  Without rhyme or reason.  I mean, if you don't know where to go, ain't no road gonna' take you there (I just coined a phrase there, didn't I?).  So I sat down last eve and cranked off my ideas for what's left of the New Year.  And so, without further ado, my Resolutions for 2020:

1.  I resolve to track down and capture a Bigfoot.  And not just your average Bigfoot, either!  No, no, no!  I want a really big Bigfoot.  (Is that redundant?)  One that will impress all those naysayers who nay-said that there is no such thing as a Bigfoot.  Even though there have been more than 10,000 Bigfoot sightings in America in the past 10 years, there are those who STILL deny the existence of this fabled old cryptid.

Isn't that racist?  It must be.  Everything these days is racist to the Democrats, right?   

So anyway, I want to catch one, and then put it on display, sort of like was attempted (without much success!) with King Kong way back when.  But I intend to take my Bigfoot to San Francisco instead of New York City.  There's so many needles on the streets there, and human poop, and trash of all flavors, I'm pretty sure my Bigfoot will be afraid to leave his cage...

2.  I resolve to finally see a UFO.  And not only see one, I want to do one of those "...of the Third Kind" deals.  As in, wave it in, say hello, make friends, and then sign the occupants up to a personal services contract.  We haven't had a good boy band since the Back Street Boys were last famous.  So I'd teach them how to sing and dance and put them on tour.  Can you imagine the furor if our UFO friends were to open at Madison Square Garden?  Think we could sell some tickets?  Me too...  

3.  I resolve to gain 15 pounds in the New Year.  I usually resolve to lose weight, but that rarely works.  So I'm just going to let nature take its course and be happy with whatever ensues.  Libertarian of me, isn't it?

4.  I resolve to finally finish training my cat, Critter.  I've been working overtime to get this little bastard to do what I want, but to no avail.  He just looks at me with contempt.  Except, of course, at Dinner Time.  Then he just meows until I want to stab myself in the eye with a hatpin.  All I want him to do is bring me a beer!  Is that too much to ask?

5.  I resolve to finally finish digging my moat.  I started a couple of years back when it became obvious that the Crazies had tightened their choke hold on this, the once-Golden State.  So I built my fort, stocked it with canned goods and MRE's, dug a well, rat-holed lots of ammo, and prepared myself to undergo a long siege when the militia comes a'calling.  So until my moat is finished and filled, it will be waaaay too easy for a platoon of chubby National Guard troops to overwhelm this crusty old, but still quite attractive, guy and take his stuff.  Can't have that.  

So, finish the moat.  That's my reeeely big resolution, and it's one I intend to accomplish.  In 2020.  Anyone out there wanna' help?