"Pick-Pocket Tourism"

Is your miserable, boring, useless existence a never-ending succession of mind-numbing, agonizing events and circumstances, each more awful than the one before it, each reminding you that your plebian little life is not worth the trouble of living it?

Is that what's bothering you, Boobie?

Are you looking for something to spice up your life a bit?  Something to put a little "zip" back into your step?  Congratulations, fellow Patriots.  I'm pleased to announce The Chuckmeister's new 

           "Pick-Pocket Tourism."

Did you see the video of the Black guy on a bike riding slowly through one of San Franpoopco's CVS stores recently?  He had a black plastic garbage bag which he was carefully and methodically filling with everything he could scoop off the shelves.  And when it was full, so full he could scarcely carry it, he rode ceremoniously past the flummoxed security guard and out the door and on to freedom.

So why was he allowed to escape?  Why was he so brazen in his actions?  What's going on in this once-great town? 

Well, lemme' tell you Pilgrim.  The citizens of SFO elected a guy named Chesa Boudin as District of Attorney. And Boudin is a full-blown Marxist.  He was hand-selected, trained and paid for by George Soros, famous commie $Billionaire, and put in office to destroy this once-proud City.  

And he has.  

How?  He quickly moved the threshold for a petty theft to become a felony from from $50.00 to $950.00!  That means if you steal anything less than $950, they just ignore you!  Or write you a ticket, a "citation" at worst, which you don't have to later appear for!

And it's gotten so bad that a dozen of SFO's most elegant, upscale stores have shuttered or reduced operating hours as a result (cause and effect, Pilgrim!).  Even their Target stores have started closing at dusk to reduce the incidence of shoplifting.  (Hey, Target!  You could reduce shoplifting altogether by closing your stores entirely!  And that just may occur!).

So I'd say that's the makin's of a new business!  The Chuckmeister will operate as a tour guide, bringing you to the finest places to loot.  Just fork over the very reasonable sum of $2,395.00 and we'll pick you up at the airport and take you to at least a dozen local stores.  Tuna salad sandwich and soft drink provided.  We'll even provide the helper to follow you around and keep track of the retail prices of your looted items to make sure you stay under the "magic number."  And when you've looted to your heart's content, we'll take you to Union Square where you can watch the homeless people shoot up and urinate on the front of the City's finest restaurants.  And learn the fine art of "poop hopping" SFO's citizens have recently had to master. 

So act fact, fellow Pilgrims!  The (remaining) citizens of San Franpoopco may run the commie prick D. A. out of office and restore some sanity back into their criminal justice system.  But until then, just think:  one pair of Jimmy Choos or a new Kate Spade purse at Neiman's can more than pay you back for our more than reasonable little all-inclusive tour package price.  And who knows, it could even be a write-off!  

I look forward to hearing from you, fellow Pilgrims!  Why should the thieves have all the fun?  Call 1-800 GET-PURSE today!!!