Assigning Blame...

It's important to know how, and why, our Ship of State hit the proverbial rocks.  How our National Train ran off the tracks.  How the plane in which we were all flying ran out of altitude and proved that "Gravity Sucks."  For it surely did, fellow Pilgrim.  It crashed.  And is still burning...

Yes, fellow Pilgrims, it's important to know why things go awry (luv that wurd!).  Such as in the past year or so.  When things have gone bat-sh*t nuts.  Uddered in the vernacular, doncha' know...

That's why I've assiduously (luvthatwurdtoo!) vacuumed up all relevant data from the good ol' Internet over the past year or so in an effort to assign blame and/or guilt for the many and varied ills which have befallen our once-vibrant, but now stultified (also a reeely good wurd!  You taking notes?), society, whilst it's been a'fading.  That's olde-tymie writing, doncha' know...

So, knowing full well where the blame must in all cases be placed, in almost every single situation before we even begin to commence (wink! wink!), here's my list of major problems and exactly who(m) to blame.  Ready?  Begin...

     -  Noise from cicadas:  Answer:  Trump.  They popped up just after he left, right?  Obama didn't cause them!  O'Biden didn't cause them!  Cause and effect, baby!  The scientific principle!  It was Trump!

     -  The Chinese Killer Wuhan Coronavirus (COVID-19):  Answer:  Trump.  If he hadn't mistreated poor Dictator Xi over pork products and grain imports, Xi/he wouldn't have released the germ, right?  Trump forced him to sign the agreement on January 6th, 2020, and Xi/he released the virus the very next day.  Look it up!  I kid thee not.  Cause and effect, once again!  Trump, it is!

     -  Systemic/Institutional/Everywhere-You-Look Racism:  Answer:  Republicans and Conservatives in general, and Trump in particular.  Everyone knows that Democrats and Liberals and "Progressives" just luuuuv Black and Brown and Red and Yellow people (cough!, cough!), and that they are kept as official Party "pets."  And that Republicans and Conservatives are all racist.  MSNBC said so.  And CNN did too.  And half our Country hangs on their every word.  Amazingly...  

     -  Global Warming/Climate Change/Climate Crisis/Climate Chaos/Climate Whatever:  Answer:  People who fly around all willy nilly on private planes and drive cars that use those awful petroleum products, we're told.  Oh yeah, and Trump, because he wasn't doing anything else while in office, besides playing golf, of course, and so he could have fixed this.  While he had the chance.  

Annnd, he has a 757.  Which spews all that nasty carbon.  Awful!  

     -  Mass Shootings:  Answer:  We all know who's responsible when a poor, disaffected, pimply-faced White person picks up an "assault weapon" and uses it to murder numerous innocent people.  Is it Trump?  Nooooo!!!  It's the gun!!!  Everybody knows that guns wake up in the morning, wash their little steely faces (probably with steel wool!), load themselves up with armor-piercing ammunition, and then go out looking for some innocent, pre-pubescent little (Black/Brown) schoolgirl to mow down in a hail of bullets.  But then again, Trump's responsible, too.  Because he should have outlawed them when he had the chance.  

And his sons hunt lions.  In Africa.  For shame...  

     -  The "Heartbreak" of Psoriasis:  Answer:  Trump, once again.  This is an "olde-tymie" disease, which you might not have heard about, but us old folks have, even if you other folks haven't, and don't even care.  So I asked a doctor the other day about it and he told me.  Who am I to argue?

     -  Drowning Polar Bears:  AlGore told us, with a straight face (his face was always straight), that Polar bears will drown if we don't throw $Trillions at "fixing" "Global Warming."  Whatever that is.  Of course, the zoologists tell us that Polar bears can swim for 60 miles, without a lunch break, so the eco-warriors are full of fecal matter once again.  Trump's in the clear!  No Blame Assigned!

     -  Our Impending Drought:  You know we're gonna' have one, we always do!  And it's Trump, of course, because he's against "Global Warming," and we all know that "Global Warming" causes drought.  We all know that, right?  It always has, right?  So, ergo, Trump's responsible for the drought.  Cause and effect!  Scientific principles, baby!  Got it?

There's lots of other stuff Trump's responsible for, but I've run out of both room and your patience.  So I'll bow out gracefully now, but I'll be back to you before you know it with a whole bunch of other new and exciting stuff!  Annnnd, as they say, be sure to have a nice day!