My First Annual GUN BUY BACK!

All of those nice folks out there who are still convinced, even after all the evidence over the decades to the contrary, that guns cause crime, I'm pleased to announce my... 

    1st Annual Gun Buy-Back Event!  

Yes, my friends, this coming Saturday, here at Fortress Chuckmeiser, I'm hosting my very first Gun Buy-Back event.  And don't ask me how it can be a "buy-back" when we never owned it in the first place.  You're making it waaaaay too complicated!  Just go to the hall closet and grab grandad's old over-and-under, Parker, double-twist shotgun and bring it down next Saturday morning.  The one with all that gold engraving on the receiver.  Yeah, that one.  I'll be pleased to swap that useless chunk of dangerous iron for a $25 gift card to Target!  But don't tell grandad.  He don't need to know...

Just bring in that old WW2 Garand M-1 Sniper Rifle that's been languishing in the attic.  Or that old Colt Python .357 Magnum pistol in Bright Blue your dearly departed husband kept by the night stand.  Or that Presentation Grade Weatherby Mark 5 in .338 Lapua Magnum?  Or that awful 9mm German Luger pistol your great uncle brought back with him from the Big War.  Those awful Nazis!  

How about that dusty old matched pair of 1873 Colt Single Action Army revolvers, in .44-40, sequentially serial numbered, in a Circassian fiddleback walnut presentation box?  You don't need those anymore, now do you?  

Or that miserable old side-by-side, Holland & Holland .600 Nitro Express Dangerous Game Rifle you won in a raffle way back when.  The ammo's terribly expensive, and there ain't no elephants around here, anyway!  (Yuck, yuck!!!)  Any firearm at all, just bring it here early next Saturday.  We'll have appraisers on hand to undervalue your firearm, and to  trade you out of it with near-worthless Starbucks and Sears gift cards.

Especially Sears.    

Oh yeah, if your old firearm is broken and tired and beat up and useless, just go ahead and keep it.  Don't waste your time or ours.  Bring it to the next police gun buy-back event your socialist town sponsors, instead.  Knowing nothing at all about firearms, they'll be happy to take it.  And pay you more for it than it's worth.  Oh yeah, much more!  Mucho More!  And then brag to the local Media about how "woke" they are...

So, fellow Pilgrim, if you know anyone looking to offload an old firearm, so long as it's in good shape and needs to be in my collection, send them our way.  We just love to gyp the locals.  

Oh wait, can't say "gyp."  That's racist now.  I guess...