Ending Illegal Immigration...

Have you seen those "Maps to the Stars" homes?  You know, the ones they pass out on Hollywood Boulevard?  The ones you use to find out where Cher lives so you can drive there and wave?  Well, fellow Pilgrims, I suggest we use those maps to end, once and for all, the "crisis" at our border.

Hello, O'Biden Administration!  I'm here to school you on exactly how to end illegal immigration.  If you wish to end it, that is.  And it goes something like this...

We all know that Cher and all her Hollywood friends continue to prattle on about how America should open wide its borders and let everyone in.  Everyone.  Everyone from Mexico, and El Salvador, and Guatemala and Peru and Sierra Leone and Russia and Iran and Mogadishu and everywhere else. 

And we also know that they live in palatial, 5-acre estates surrounding the Beverly Hills Hotel.  And it seems to me that there's quite a bit of unused room on those expansive properties.  Room enough, it would seem to me, for a few of our poor, mistreated, "undocumented" friends to pitch a tent and set up shop.  And we know that they'd wish to honor their new visitors with a place to stay and something to eat and bathroom and shower facilities while they're getting on their feet.  I figure there should be room for at least 200 individual tents on each property, into which we could pack maybe 500 or 600 new "friends."  

God knows our Entertainment types will surely luuuuv the chance to "pay it forward" and help their new guests.  So all we have to do then is get the word out to all those miserable migrants, right?  To them know that our entertainment friends have the answer to all their problems, right?  So, how shall we do that?  How, indeed?

You with me so far?  Yes?  Okay, so the next step is we get a bunch of volunteers to stand at each of our primary border entry points and pass out leaflets.  Leaflets giving our new visitors instructions as to how to get to Cher's house.  And Barbra's and Britney's and Jay-Z's and all their tony neighbors.  I'd also seek to get (shame?) some free bus tickets to Hollywood out of Greyhound and Continental, as well as some freebie coupons from our uber-liberal friends at Starbucks, to include with those leaflets.  

Just think:  They paddle over the border and while the Border Patrol are drying them off, we hand them a nice, 4-color leaflet welcoming them to Joe O'Biden's America!  We let them know how much Cher is looking forward to their visit!  Oh yeah, and we also run a few TV ads in El Salvador and Guatemala and Honduras announcing our little Plan...

I wonder just how long our Border "crisis" would last if they took my advice?  

(This is called "thinking outside the box."  The folks we pay to run things should try it sometime...)