Why Brady Won The Super Bowl...

If you'd like know why Tom Brady won the Super Bowl, I'm here to tell you.

He eats grass.

Tom Brady, and his supermodel wife Gisele, eat all sorts of naturally-occurring fruits and vegetables and extra-lean meats, prepared by his own private chef.  Who only eats naturally-occurring extra-lean meats and vegetables.  Only.  Let me repeat that.  These two people, perhaps manufactured by some alien power, most likely in some distant star cluster (Sirius B, perhaps?), along with their perfect children, only eat vegan stuff.  Only.

I've read their menu, which left me with cold sweats and several nights of recurring nightmares.  I was going to type it out for you here, however the mere thought of eating this farfala made my fingers go numb.  I could not make them hammer out the letters.  The thought made me want to...puke.

I should insert here that the Kansas City Chiefs quarterback does not eat grass.  But then again, he didn't win the Super Bowl, either.  What should we deduce from this?  I leave that to you...

I have it on good authority that whenever Tom and Gisele and the little ones get hungry whilst driving along in their Rolls-Royce Mulliner Park-Ward Silver Ghost Corniche Heritage Edition Droptop Coupe in Celestial Azure, and get that late afternoon gnawing feeling, which comes from eating stuff with no caloric value, they just pull over to the side of the road.  And graze.  Yes, they eat grass.  No, not the kind that every state now is trying to legalize, and profit from via heavy taxation.  No no, just your regular, everyday, in your yard, grass.   That stuff growing naturally alongside the road.  Your road, perhaps.  They try and do so without publicity, I might add.  

Grazing for superstars is not a good look... 

I also hear the grasses cultivated on the Long Island Expressway are some of their favorites.  However, those featured around Tampa are gaining in their favor.  

I've been thinking about it.  I'm too old to play professional football now, but if I could, I just might consider adopting Tom's lifestyle.  No, not eating grass; living with a supermodel...