Too Many Channels...

Time was, children, when there were only three broadcast TV channels.  They were 2, 4 and 7.  And they were only "on," broadcasting, about 18 hours a day, signing off as they did at around Midnight.  With a big picture of a black and white Indian chief on your TV screen all night long to keep you entertained until the next morning.

Oh I'm sorry.  I meant "Indigenous Personage of a sort of reddish hue."

And during this time there were only 40 or 50 big-time stars.  The Milton Berle's, the Jimmy Stewart's, the Bob Hope's, the John Wayne's, the Clint Eastwood's ("Wagon Train," if you didn't know), the Lucille Ball's.  There was a few "B-List" stars, and even fewer "C-List."  There were no "D-List" stars. Kathy Griffin hadn't yet been born.  Apparently her mother hadn't heard of Planned Parenthood.  And no room for them anyway.  Not enough channels.  Thankfully.

And then an entrepreneur named Ted Turner "turn"ed a medium-sized TV station in Atlanta into a 24-hour cable provider.  And almost overnight we went from 3 channels to dozens.  And then hundreds.  And now 1,000 or more!  And then the skirmish began to find what they call "content" to fill all those hours of dead air time.  That's another name for "programming."  And God knows, they did.  To our mutual disadvantage, I would say.

Some of these new channels were dedicated to home and garden.  Some to cowboys and Indigenous Persons.  Some to comedy.  Some drama.  Some religion, and some sports.  And more recently, politics.  In short, they, the TV moguls, needed content; lots and lots and lots of content.  So they started buying up old TV shows.  "Friends," and "Gilligan's Island," and "Batman," and "Maverick" made their stars millionaires after-the-fact.  Taking "Seinfeld" for an example, its stars hit pay dirt when their production company sold 100+ previous episodes for more than $100,000,000!  In fact, we still have channels boasting nothing but "Cheers" and "Friends" and "Law and Order" reruns, all day long.  

But they also needed new content.  New dramas and new comedies.  And so they started looking high and low for creative talent; the writers, the producers, and, to them, most importantly, the actors.  

Overnight we were inundated with new actors and actresses who we'd never heard of previously.  Actors who were nobody's yesterday, and stars today.  People who were parking cars at "Ivy" or waiting tables at "Chinois" on Tuesday were on a cable channel program by Saturday.  Actors who were hired more because they were available, I would say, and somewhat attractive, than because of their talent.  

And God knows, we get proof of that lack of talent every.  single.  day.

And that's my beef.  I don't mind not knowing much about these overnight stars, I just wish they could act.  Or sing.  Or juggle.  Or whatever it is they're supposed to do.  In most cases, they're laughably inept.  Some of them are even called "influencers."  I guess that's a bunch of non-famous folks whose job it is to sell crap that the other "stars" are hawking.  Like Gwynneth Paltrow's newest product that she guarantees smells like her, ummm, "nether" region. 

You just cannot unlearn that... 

It's as if they were yanked from the nearest acting academy and thrust in front of the camera.  Or from the local Starbucks if their frontal protuberances, their mammilary corpulence-ses-ses, their "headlights," if you get my drift, are sufficiently bulbous (Thanks. It's a rhetorical flourish of which I am duly proud!).  And then WE'RE expected to watch the drivel they then produce.  

This I shall no longer do!

I have begun noting the names of would-be actors and singers and jugglers who...can't.  Can't act and can't juggle and can't sing, I mean.  And I also add to this ever-growing list the names of actors and singers and jugglers who wish to impose upon us, the viewing public, their particular political persuasions.  The foul-mouthed Bobby De Niro's.  The aforementioned, desperate-for-attention Kathy Griffins.  The scarily sick Jim Careys.  And then I make it a point not to watch them.  Or listen to them.  And the silence is so very calming...

(And by the way, when, exactly, did actors decide they were the moral arbiters of American culture and values?  And when did a needy subset of our society decide to start paying attention?  I'm guessing it was the very day that Turner married "Hanoi Jane" Fonda...)

The Net Result?  It's as if I've reduced the number of channels dramatically, overnight!  And I've certainly reduced the number of would-be actors and singers and jugglers I give my valuable time.  That little list of mine is not only saving me time, and improving my mood, it's also saving me money!  Just think about the bucks you can save by not giving them to people who likely view you with contempt and wish you dead! 

So now I think I'll watch a little bit of "livePD" and luxuriate in the fact that I'm not one the people they're stopping on the highway each and every night...