Chuckmeisterly Resolutions, 2020

As you may know, The Chuckmeister issues his annual New Year's Resolutions each year about this time.  And he nearly always keeps them.  Because he's an Eagle Scout and an Army (Lone) Ranger.  And he identifies as a mixed-martial arts expert and professional bull rider.  So it's a good idea to pay rapt attention to the miscellaneous ramblings of his troubled, but omniscient mind, lest he be found prescient in his many and varied musings, and you be found wanting on an issue.  So pay attention, Pilgrim, whilst he pontificates away...

(Doncha' just luv people who refer to themselves in the third person?)

1.  My first resolution is to gain 10 - 15 pounds during 2020.  I know that the general idea is to try and LOSE weight going in to each New Year, but that never works.  It doesn't work for me, it doesn't work for you.  It only works for Weight Watchers' and Nutri Systems' bank accounts.  So the best idea is to just forget about that whole weight losing thing and enjoy lots and lots of yummy food.  And booze, too!  None of that light beer for me!  That's what I'm going to do.  I suggest you do so as well...

2.  I'm resolving to find one of those UFO's we keep hearing about, make contact with it, establish lasting friendships with its occupants, reach an agreement to represent them as their agent, and then proceed to line up a book deal and a whole bunch of TV appearances and maybe a movie or two.  Oh yeah, and that Oval Office greeting with the POTUS.  I tend to think this might be a big deal...

I should add that I truly hope that the occupants of the flying saucer I locate are those little "Greys."  I find the "Reptilian" variety you read about oh so scary...

3.  I resolve to hunt down a cryptid, better known as a Bigfoot (or Yeti, or Yowee, or Skunk Ape, etc.), and capture it, and tame it, and train it, and then make arrangements to represent it as its agent.  Like the UFO folks, I'll bet my own personal Bigfoot becomes a media sensation.  Whaddayou think?  Can you see a nice variety show starring the "Little Greys," featuring "Biggie?"

I'll have to teach them to sing first, but that shouldn't be too awfully difficult...

4.  I resolve to finally finish digging and filling my moat.  You know, the one around my fort here in Murietta.  The fort that shall protect me and the other members of the Resistance from those hellish freaks who write those oh so dumb laws up there in Sacrataxyou.  I'm about half way through, but my back's been bothering me of late, so any help you could offer would surely be appreciated.

Be sure to bring your own shovels...

5.  If I have any time left over, I'll resolve to find out how they really built those pyramids way back when, and what happened to Amelia Earhart, and Flight MH370 while I'm at it, and whether ghosts are real, and where they hang out between seances, and where that Ark of the Covenant's been hiding all these years, and why becoming a Hollyweird movie or TV star tends to make one dumber than a rock and tweet all sorts of inane crap at every opportunity.

6.  And finally, given that those previous resolutions are pretty much guaranteed to keep me busy this year, I wish to only add the resolution to more fully appreciate you and all the other nice folks who decide to read the simple-minded effluvia I send along via this unassuming little blog.  

I'm off to a good start...

-  The Chuckmeister