On Staying Alive, While Driving...

I've driven more than 2,000,000 miles over my more than 63 years of driving.  At least 4 of those cars over 100,000 miles.  

And I've owned 127 cars on two continents during that same period.  Many during the 60's and 70's when cars were made to be rode hard and put away wet.  Then thrown away after a year or and replaced with the next "muscle" car.  All paid for by ill-gotten gains over a hot pool table.  Or a cozy poker table.  On two continents...

And I'm pleased to say I've only been involved in 3 fairly minor accidents during that period, and they were all somebody else's fault.  Unless you've been t-boned by a Hawaiian teenage beauty queen in an F-250 8,000 lb. pickup truck, trucking along at about 65, through a red light, you (almost) haven't lived...  

So, as an ex-semi-professional race car driver, and ex-professional traveling pool playber, and ex-trprofessional traveling salesman, and ex one-of-the-herd commuter on Lost Angeles' shi*ty freeways, over decades, I consider myself wothy of proving advice and counsel on how to keep the shiny side up and the rubber side own.  

And your ass alive whilst driving.

First and foremost, never, every take your eyes off the road.  Never!  Don't look at your email messages, don't watch movies, don't trim your toenails.  Watch the road!  An accident can occur in a split-second, and will!  

Next, be sure to look at your side mirrors and your rear view mirror, no less often than once every ten seconds.  Without fail.  You will see an accident coming before it gets to you, thus enabling you to avoid it.  

Like a matador in the arena, you have to see the bull to dodge it...

Third, drive with the flow of traffic.  Pay no attention to the speed limits (except those around schools).  The cops don't either.  They're looking for the "rabbit" to come shooting out of the pack.  And they love to chase rabbits.  Its like hunting for them.  So blend in with the flow.  And situate yourself a half-mile or so behind that rabbit...and run!  And don't tailgate.  Don't be the rabbit and you won't get stopped.

Fourth, buy a radar detector.  They work super, keep you from getting those infernal tickets, startle you awake with their incessant beeping, and are cheap enough to afford.  NOTE:  They are illegal in some states, but can be quickly taken down and hidden in the event you get pulled over.

Fifth, Don't drive bright red, bright yellow or bright orange cars.  They stick out like a diamond in a goat's ass.  And room temperature I.Q. Road Pirates, looking to make their bones via your wallet, will go where their beady eyes take them.  And those eyes look for bright colors.  Don't stick out and you won't get caught.

Sixth:  Get yourself good dash and rearview cameras, and use them.  It's much easier to show a cop what happened on a video, then to try to tell them what happened when it's your word against the guy who hit you.  

Seventh:  My training to become a clinical psychologist taught me that fully 3% of everyone you meet on the highways and byways of life are either drunk or stoned or Riker's Island-crazy.  So you have to assume they want to kill you.  And take appropriate action not avoid that unwanted outcome.  Drive Defensively!  And if you feel at all impaired, whether sleepy or screwed up, Uber it or pull over and take a nappy, or just stay home and play with the cat.  

It's about $15,000 cheaper than a DUI... 

Eighth:  Drive with your doors locked.  At all times.  And your windows rolled up.  And maintain a ready access to a weapon, if at all possible.  A sawed-off pool cue will do, or maybe a sawed-off shotgun.  But I prefer my Smith & Wesson Model 642 Scandium Lightweight, 14.5 ounce .38 Special.  It can bring an attempted carjacking to an immediate halt.  Happened to me one evening in St. Louis.  Had the would-be jacker not noticed my monster Model 29 Smith .44 Mag (Dirty Harry Special) resting comfortably on my lap at the time, I assure you he would have at least taken my car, and maybe shot me.  

Or attempted to...

Oh yeah, it's illegal in most Deep Blue States, like the one in which I find myself, to carry a firearm within your vehicle.  The reasonable, rationale states do, all 27 of them, but that's for another spleen venting.  However, I'd offer you'll never be caught with one unless something like the above occurs.  And if it does, I'd know I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by 6...

And ninth, finally, give your car the once-over before you drive off.  You might notice a low tire, which could prevent a flat on the freeway, which could prevent you from being rear-ended and suffer a firey death from some drunk in his Tesla while taking an autopilot nap.  You might notice you've got a tailight out, which could alert a cop and cause a stop.  And you don't want a stop.  Once they stop you they almost have to write a little "invitation to appear."  Or maybe you might notice an animal under one of your tires.  Ya' see how that goes?

And remember, every move you make is a risk you've chosen to take before you take it.*  A move which might kill you.  Learn to pre-think of all the ways you can die in that 4,000 or 5,000 pound missile before you turn the key.  

And then maybe don't...

*     We humans marvel at ther risks some of our fellow citizens are willing to take.  Risks which could kill them.  Like the folks in that little tin can near the Titanic a few days ago.  Sadly.  We watch people climb moutains and soar into space and go deep into the oceans with our mouths agape.  We luuuuve the fact that THEY do it, but we sure as Hell wouldn't want to join them.  That's because we're wired to do any and everything to stay alive, at all costs, from the moment we touch that hot stove.  So those willing to short-circuit that wiring and test the boundaries gain our both our rapt attention and our sympathy for their stupidity...