Calculators at 50 Paces...

The 8th and last time my wife and I were audited was by far the most interesting and entertaining.

We started and ran a company for more than 38 years, you see, and were looked upon like the Christmas goose the Gubmint plucks.  Whenever it needs a little extra cash.  And not just us.  No, no, every business you see up and down Main Street!  They all pay too much taxes, in their opinions, and they are correct.  And they don't pay nearly enough, according to every Gubmint Entity in America!

That would be Federal, states, county, city, village, township, gathering, collection, or a pair of constables with a speed trap looking to pad their retirement.

But that 8th audit was primo!  It was conducted by a tiny Vietnamese lady accountant who couldn't have been more than 22 years old.  See was about 4'10" and weighed no more than 90 pounds.  She spoke with the accent of a "Boat Person's" offspring, which was to say, "broken English," and was no doubt bright or she wouldn't have the position.  She spoke so softly we could barely hear her, and wore horn-rimmed glasses that covered most of her miniscule face.  Plus, she continually looked down at her notes so you couldn't even lip-read.

In short, it was an exercise in United Nations meets The Dalton Gang.

The Net Result of all this was a Vietnamese auditor trying to pry a few additional $Thousands out of us, negotiating with my wife, a woman from the Streets of New Yawk City, and a 1,600 math score wizard, who knew our books and our finances inside-out and spoke like a Brooklyn cab driver.    

It was really something to watch.  The little auditor would ask a question, and my wife and bizz partner would proceed to answer it will what she called "jabberwocky."  A collection of words that sound sincere, but in actuality provides one with no information at all.  And you think it's your fault.  Not a Karmellla word salad, to be sure, but a bunch of words that sound good together, but just don't compute when you take them apart.  So the questions have to be asked again.  And again.  Tick, tock...

You might not know that each audit is ascribed a certain number of hours to investigate and wrap-up.  They look at your return, decide how much they think you've tried to cheat them, and then ascribe an amount of agent time to try and hound the poor bastard into coming clean.  Hopefully with a fat $Check, made out to the Dept. of the Treasury.  In our case, we found out by prying that our audit was "assigned" no more than 40 hours.  So, my wife just strung Mzzz. Vietnam along under they ran out of time.  And in our case, that audit forced the Gubmint to write us a check for $18,000. 

(We finished up "Us 6 - Them 2."  Not bad for a couple of normal folks just trying to scratch out a living in a David v. Goliath battle with the Forces of Evil.)    

Now don't think that just because we were audited 8 times, we were somehow tax cheats.  No, quite the opposite.  All you need to draw audits like flies to a pile of elephant dung is to be a corporation.  Or a Sub(s).  Or a partnership.  Or a fine dining restaurant doing a few $Million with expenses and deductions that those who know absolutely nothing about the business but are in a position to throw a "flag on the play" feel are somehow "excessive."  Because they have a degree.  And now, a badge.  Oooooo!!! 

And then they launch the Fires of Hell in your direction and force you to stop what you were doing, which was conducting business and paying taxes, and bring them every piece of paper you've ever touched.  And receipts from a luncheon you bought 9 months ago.  And justify why you spent some amount of money you can't remember some number of years ago on some item you can't recall.  Or why 3 big box delivery trucks like ours burn so much fuel delivering medical equipment over a 1,500 square-mile area on a 24 hour-a-day basis.  

Something tells me the problems I faced when I was fighting various Gubmints while trying to run a bizz, in my spare time, is nothing compared to what the current crop faces today.  With the new "Prop-Up Obamacare and Fix the Climate" bill, the IRS is due to receive an unheard of chunk of cash.  Like an $80 Billion Dollar Chunk.  With which they must hire 87,000 agents!  Or, more than double their current gang of money-grubbers!  They're going to be auditing each other!

And guess what, fellow, Patriot?  No more little Vietnamese auditors.  From now on they'll be 45 year-old ex-Marines with a two day-old stubble, bad breath, and an intimidating bulge under the jacket of their off-the-rack suits.  We've just learned the IRS has purchased more than 500,000 firearms, and some 5 Million Rounds of Ammunition!  And in addition to packing heat, their ad for these new hires stipulates that, 

"They must be willing to use deadly force."  

They quickly pulled down that portion of the ad, but I've seen a screenshot of it and it gives one pause.  Not paws, pause (the benefit of a liberal arts education).  So I'm picturing meeting between the auditor and the Target, someone like me, with crossed sabers at the local high school stadium, or with dueling pistols at 75 feet.  Or maybe more like, "Just give me the money and nobody gets hurt."

From now on it will be Standard Operating Procedure to take a concealed weapon with you to your audit.

It's now a fact: Business owners and managers must factor in this increased risk to capitol formation when deciding whether or not to start a new business.  And where (please God, not here!).  With the passage of this Bill and the hiring of all these agents, the Gubmint has thrown down the gauntlet.  It's now war.  The Gubmint think's it's your now not-so-silent partner.  

"And therein..." as Shakespeare once said, "...lay the rub."