Can the Lessons of Ancient Rome Help Fix the NFL?

Unless you've been living in an old washing machine box behind the local K-Mart, you know that the NFL is in some Big Trouble!

Yes, Pilgrim, the NFL, that outfit that puts on those games we just luuuuv to watch from about Labor Day until February the Somethingth, used to enjoy our unabashed, unfettered and unequaled attention.  

No longer.  Not since an aggrieved bi-racial multi-millionaire wearing socks depicting the police as pigs decided that paying homage to our Nation's flag was just too-too much for him to be bothered.  No, my friends, he decided to give the figurative finger to you and me and the rest of America by kneeling instead of placing his hand where his heart should be, assuming he had one.  

But he obviously doesn't.  He started a firestorm of disquiet and disagreement.  One by one his brethren began to emulate him and kneel as well.  And it was all covered in real-time, kneel by kneel, to the horror and disgust of you and me.  Soon, the honest, honorable, God-fearing, red-blooded, gun-owning, beer-drinking, Earth-tilling, pickup truck-driving 'Murican football fans began turning off those Sunday games in droves.  At last count the viewership for all of last season was down a remarkable 8%!

What's 8% among friends?  Billions of Dollars in ad revenue, that's what!  So the NFL's commissioner, who is paid $Millions not to make such boneheaded mistakes, made a boneheaded mistake and failed to squash this revolt like a bed bug.  And it lingered throughout the off season.  Until just recently.  Now, its New Rule is spectacularly like the old one; stand with your hand over your heart when the National Anthem is played or the League will fine the Teams.  Period.

Of course, those wily Black millionaire players, who are just so very fed up with police shooting their friends and neighbors, who live in places they've never been and don't intend to go, are devising ways to "stick it to the man" in an effort to defang this new rule.  And I'm predicting they will; the NFL hasn't seen the last of this whole kerfuffle.

But I, The Chuckmeister, have a solution which would instantly eliminate this whole disagreement, virtually overnight:  

"Sniper Football!"

As you know, there's only a couple of thousand active, roster-listed football players who make their Game Squads every season.  That means there's Tens of Thousands of fast, quick, strong, light, heavy, mean, nasty, tough and ugly guys who really want to be millionaires, but are not selected by a team to legally hurt other people.  And to my way of thinking, that's just not fair!  And "fairness," as we're now told to believe, is all that really matters these days.

So, I propose that we (1) change the rules of the Game to permit each team to employ a sniper.  A full-blown, Seal-trained sniper, ready, willing and able to wreck havoc on the other team.  (2) We put these snipers in the alternate ends of the field just behind the goal posts and permit them each one bullet per half, two bullets total per game.  Now, if there's a dominant player on the other team, then (3) the opposing team's sniper can knock that guy off  and force him to be replaced by a lesser player.  And the sniper would get extra points, of course, for good shot placement.  And then that team can do the very same thing to the other team.  And so on and so on.  Kind of like chess for realzies...

The wounded players are gathered up and dragged off the field and the game resumes.  No bother, no problem, plus the fans get extra time to go grab a beer and a dog.  Net result: New advertisers, more revenues, billionaire owners happy, happy, happy, as Papa Phil Robertson would say!

Think of it!  16 games per year, at least four "replaced" players per game, assuming the snipers are good shots, for a total of at least 128 "new" players" added to the rosters each week.  Plus each of those snipers would need backups in case they were shot by the other sniper.  And, I'm thinking we might also throw in an extra bullet or two in the event some miscreant commits some heinous foul or other.  We could keep adding bullets until the fans get happy!  Kind of like ancient Rome and the Colosseum!  Plus the snipers would no doubt become superstars on their own, with televised tryouts, drafts on TV, jersey sales through the roof, etc.  The possibilities are endless!

So, my friends, if any of you who are within that magic "six degrees of separation" between me and NFL Commish Roger Goodell, have him give me a call.  I'm pretty sure we could work out the details pretty darn quick...