Don't Be That Guy!

Here's a past recollection on this Christmas Eve you just might find hilarious.  It's about a time I watched Christmas Eve in the rearview mirror...

Like most young married guys, I'd waited until the last minute to go Christmas shopping.  For a wife you didn't want to disappoint about such things.  So I headed out on a "search and destroy" mission to go find a couple of presents, fast!

It was back in the 80's and I was headed to the busiest mall in America, South Coast Plaza.  In So. Cal's Orange County.  It's "Gold Coast."  Busy?  Is a pig's a*s pork?  Does a bear sh*t in the woods?  Does 50 pounds of flour make a big biscuit?  Yes, it was busy.  So busy there wasn't a parking spot to be had anywhere.  Tens of thousands of parked cars as far as the eye could see.  And seemingly tens of thousands of cars waiting to park.  It was starting to get dark and guys like me were starting to get frantic.  

Finally!  I found a spot!  I parked, went in, bought a present or two, and headed back out to my ride.  I was angle parked, about 50 yards from the front door.  I got in, stowed my packages, started my car, waited for the windshield to defrost, put it in reverse and prepared to back out. 

That was blood in the water to a swarm of waiting sharks! 

There was a long line of vehicles behind me, nose to tail, awaiting a spot.  There was a sedan and a pickup jockeying for my space immediately behind me, pickup in front, sedan right behind.  But neither would either move a bit forward or back up a tad in order to make that happen.  Each was waiting for the other to give in first.  And neither would.  

Seconds turned into minutes as these two were engaged in their own "Mexican standoff," with the only thing in doubt being who was the baddest Mexican.  The bumpers of the truck and the car were literally touching, and the drivers of each were trading insults at the top of their lungs.  On a cold, wintry night.  And I was just a witness to this craziness.

On a Christmas Eve.

Finally the dam broke.  The driver of the pickup got out with a tire iron and proceeded to bang on the hood of the car.  A steel tire-changing tire iron.  Full-on swings.  Over and over.  While screaming.  At the top of his lungs.  

But then the driver of the car got out.  A young lady, with a gun in one hand and a badge in the other.  Turns out she was an off-duty sheriff's deputy and not about to put up with this nonsense.  She threw this nut case over the hood of her car and put him in cuffs, while calling in reinforcements.  Including a helicopter.  With its flood lights illuminating a hundred-yard swath in diameter all around us.  All the while parked directly behind my car.  IMMEDIATELY behind my car!

Well, lemme' tell you, whatever else I had planned for that couple of hours didn't get done.  Nor did it for the dozens of folks in line behind the car and the truck.  For this was now a crime scene, and the perp with tire iron and the short fuse was hauled away to the Gray Bar Hotel.

I send this along to all my faithful and forgiving readers on this Christmas Eve.  Don't be that guy!  Take it nice and calm and easy on this Christmas Eve, and you'll survive this Holiday Season.  And how about this?  Give the parking spot the next time you go out shopping to that nice old lady over there!  God with repay the gesture, I'm sure...  

"Didn't get everything you wanted, Babe?  Lemme' tell ya,' I have the very best excuse.  Let's grab a glass of wine and I'll tell you all about it..."

You can think of this as karma.  Or maybe...truckma?