Colorless Studies...

Just thought I'd let you know that I've applied to a number of area colleges and universities to start and manage their new White Studies Department.

That's because I've just learned that, shockingly, they do not have a White Studies Department!  And they surely need one!  Am I the first guy to notice this?  Each of them with a Black Studies Department needs to have White Studies Department.  And Indigenous Personage Studies Departments.  And Asian and Pacific Islander Studies Departments.  And Gypsy Roma Studies Departments.  Equity, you know.  I'm sure you're as surprised as am I that this "inequity" has been permitted to exist in this day and age!  And so I'm offering my scholarly services in the pursuit of correcting this glaring oversight.

I am college educated, you know!

Because you're one of my friends and/or family and/or associates and/or mailman or -woman, or -other (California, doncha' know), you'll likely be contacted for a character reference by the colleges and universities that will be surely be wishing to hire me.  As well they all should.  Every single one.  You likely know of Jason Nichols, as an example, the erudite and very handsome Professor of African-American Studies at the University of Maryland, whose "Blackness" qualifies him to teach at the university level.  (BTW, why is it "African-American?"  Why isn't it "American-African?"  Can somebody get back to me on this?)

He, Nichols, is all over Fox News, as an example, expressing his "Black" opinion on the matters of the day.  And how they affect "Black" people.  But there's also a full legion of them scattered across the other "news" channels touting their "Blackness."  So I say if their "Blackness" qualifies Professor Nichols and all the others of his group to teach at the university level, then my "Whiteness" qualifies me and others like me to teach at the university level.

Equity's a bitch, ain't it?

Did you know that I am of Irish extraction?  And that "my people," the Irish, immigrated to America through Ellis Island.  And that they were treated worse than dogs by the New Yorkers at the time. In fact, there was a famous sign in a Manhattan bar window back then that read, "Dogs Welcome, Irish Stay Out."  Not very welcoming, I'd say!  All while "Black" people were frequently those same establishments!  That really stings!  It hurts my feelings, and as you know, feelings are everything these days!  

And so I say "my people" were so mistreated that I "deserve" a teaching professorship at several colleges and universities, and of course, some "contributorship" gigs on cable "news" channels.  I put asterisks around "news" 'cause on most of the "news" channels, they don't report the news.  Just their opinion.  Based upon feelings...  

And God help you if you try and deny me my "civil rights" in this situation, 'cause we'll have to file suit and own your house.  And your daughter's car.  In fact, I think I'll bring in the ACLU and the Southern Poverty Law Center and the sheriff and the highway patrol on this.  Did you know that there's a Black Entertainment Channel?  Well there is!!!  But guess what?  There's no "White Entertainment Channel!"  Wha....?  

And did you know that there's a "National Association for the Advancement of Colored People," but there's no "National Association for the Advancement of Colorless People?"  Is this an oversight or something?  Or is this a plot, perhaps!  A conspiracy!!!  I can't believe there's not a Republican $Billionaire or two out there who hasn't noticed this glaring inequity!  And has failed to start their own "Colorless Entertainment Channel!"  

And I can't believe how many "!'s" I've typed into this nearly worthless rant!    

I cannot wait to have a recurring "contributor" gig on two or three cable news channels after I get all my university and college professorships.  I could opine with abandon on all the matters of the day!  The extra cash could help me get through the "Bidenflation" we're all now suffering, doncha' know...  

So thanks in advance for your positive comments when those "institutions of higher learning" begin to call for a comment.  I'll be sure to include you in any "programs" I can create at those filthy rich institutions, btw.

(Wink, wink...)