Your $99.00 Special!

 You're in luck, fellow 'Muricans!

I, The Chuckmeister, your Scribe Without Portfolio, and most of all, your friend and mine, am now ready to announce my new $99.00 Monthly Special.

What's so special about it, you might ask?

Well now, thanks for asking.  If you've grown weary of those incessant T.V. PSA's (Public Service Announcements) that ask you for "just" $9.00 or $11.00 or $19.00 a month to solve any number of social ills, sit up straight in your chair and pay attention.  Just simply call the 800# below and I'll take care of those pesky monthly little donations you've decided to take upon yourself.  So leave it to The Chuckmeister and I'll send your money off to (pick one from the following)...

     *  Stopping the Polar Bears from drowning.  BTW, Polar Bears can swim, unaided, for 60 miles or more, but hey, you know, Polar Bears...

     *  Providing homes for our "Wounded Warriors."  Whether cops or firemen or our military vets, WE'RE being asked, straight out, to pay for homes to park them.  (BTW, don't you think it's the obligation of the city or county or state or country for which the wounded warrior was fighting a fire or an enemy while wounded to pay for his or her (or its) lodging now that he's/she's/it's been wounded?).  Well, don't you?

     *  And those cuddly little puppies and kitties which are starving unless you send the ASPCA a bunch of money each month.  It's a three minute-long appeal to your heartstrings, and since the ASPCA's executive ride around on private jets, it must be effective.  (BTW, since we pay the state, county and municipality to take care of these things in our taxes, why do we have to pay for it once again?)

     *  And let's not leave out those starving elderly Jews in Jerusalem who will die unless you send them $11.00 a month.  As one of the richest and most successful democracies on Earth, I frankly doubt they need it.  Something tells me not all of those donations go to buy perogis.  No BTW's necessary...

So here's my announcement, all you patriotic Liberals out there!  Instead of succumbing to that Liberal grief and sending each of these "charities" $11.00 here and $19.00 there, wasting entire hours licking stamps and sealing envelopes, just send me $99.00 a month and I'll personally distribute it to all your chosen recipients.

You can count on me.

Yes, my friends, and you ARE my friends, just trust me to act on your behalf to handle your affairs and redistribute your unbounded wealth so you can focus your energies on more important things.  Like Global Warming.  And defunding the police.  And sending a ballot to every man, woman and child in America.  And watching every Joe Rogan episode trying to catch him saying the "N" word.

So just call 1-(800) SUC-KERS today!  You'll be virtue signaling forevermore!