Hunting Bigfoot...

As you may know, I, The Chuckmeister, am retired.

Been that way for quite awhile, have I.  I like it.  Wish I'd started earlier.  

I'm also lame.  As in, the inability to meander.  Wander.  Motigate.  Saunter.  Amble.  Shuffle.  Boogie.  Okay, walk.  Can't do that.  I can do most other stuff, but walking?  Ummm, no.  

I have a degenerative neurological ailment with an unpronounceable name that is ever-so slowly turning me into a mass of whimpering protoplasm.  The ailment I feature is a distant relative of Lou Gehrig's Disease, if you're at all familiar.  Thankfully, a fairly distant one.

However, the results are pretty much the same.  The old brain little by little ceases to communicate with my lower extremities.  It's called "bi-lateral polyneuropathy."  It means "both legs are numb."

So walking any distance at all at any speed at all is quite out of the question.  I'm thinking maybe an 8 minute 400 yard dash.  But the brain is otherwise functioning quite nicely, thank you!  Actually, maybe even better than ever, now that I'm not saddled with making a living!  Memory sucks, but function?  Yeah, good...

So, being unable to "get around," as they say, I've embarked on a number of hobbies.  Hobbies that don't require me to run and skip and jump.*  And among my favorites of all those hobbies?

Localized Bigfoot Hunting!

Actually, "part-time" localized Bigfoot Hunting, as my other pursuits would interfere if I "turned pro."  

So, as a part-timer, who's also lame, I find "localized" is the best way to go.  It means "nearby."  As in, close.  In my case, it means real close, as in my house and my yard.  I have a complete routine I employ each day.  I look high and low for our "Big Friend," paying especially close attention for prospective footprints.  None so far, but I'm still looking...

I actually save a bundle on all the accoutrements, too.  I don't have to buy the hiking boots and the tent and the camping gear and the commo and night vision stuff one needs to hunt our Big Boy out there.  I just put a folding chair on the front porch, whip out my binoculars, and begin "Squatching."       

I keep looking, high and low, each and every day for a Bigfoot.  I look for tracks, I listen for knocks and howls and grunts and other sounds I hear they're supposed to utter.  Nothing.  

But that does not dissuade me!  I shall continue looking.  Like the Good Scout that I am.  And one day, God willing, (and the creek don't rise!), I'll see one!  Front yard, back yard, no matter.  And maybe, just maybe I'll get the chance to interview him/her.  Or maybe "it" (California, doncha' know).  Maybe we can make friends and put together a cable TV show.  Or maybe a podcast.  Or a videoblog.  But until I do, I'll keep on looking.

Damn!  Is this not the greatest and cheapest hobby a retired cripple can have?  BTW, I also look for UFO's while I'm out.  

Just sayin'

*  (As the Founder, CEO, Chairman, and Fearless Leader of "Proud Cripples of America," you might want to refer to my list of Approved Hobbies and Activities if you're lame and have some time on your hands...)

   ((40 shot in Lorie Lightfoot's Chicago over the weekend...))