Picking a Running Mate...

So Joseph P. Biden has announced that he'll pick a woman as his Vice Presidential running mate.

Well now, that's unusual.  Most candidates just decide to pick the most qualified running mate!   I guess that's now so passe.  Hmmm...

Oh yeah, in case you've been living in a refrigerator box underneath the nearest overpass, you know by now Good Ol' Uncle Joe is the putative pick by the Democrat Party for Prez.  Took awhile, but they picked him.  Kind of.  Sort of...

And now that he's comfortably ensconced in the bunker of his luxurious seaside Maryland mansion, awaiting his official nomination as the Democrat's POTUS candidate, he's got the time to figure out exactly whom to pick for V.P., and how to get out of the basement.  And being the helpful sort, I'd like to offer my assistance...

I'm sort of friendly that way...

I'd say that just choosing a woman isn't enough in this Democrat day-and-age of identity politics.  No, no, no.  He cannot defeat Trump by choosing just a woman!  He should expand his search to add on a little more identity-type stuff so that folks in those tiny sub-groups which they pursue so gingerly would be incited to vote for him.  And being an Eagle Scout, and being always helpful thereby, here are my suggestions for Joe to make sure he has the very best chance to win:

First, make sure the woman is Black.  For sure!  Blacks represent about 18% of our eligible voters, and in some areas as much as 60% of those who cast ballots are Black.  And some only cast them once.  We know that the Democrat Party owns and controls the Blacks in America, right?  They always have, they say, and always will, they say.  So being Black is reeeely necessary for the candidate if Joe is to maximize his electoral chances.

And the woman he picks should also be a Muslim.  Yeah, that'd help a lot.  Not a Christian, our predominant religion.  No, no, no!  It's not that there are so many Muslims here in America, it's just that our MSMedia and our educators and our elected politicians seem to cater to them so very much.  They routinely disparage Christians and Jews, so a Black Muslim should be his running mate.  Definitely.

But we're not through yet.  Joe's running mate should also be a dwarf.  Or at least a midget.  There are a lot of midgets and dwarfs running around.  And it's just not true that all midgets and dwarfs are wrestlers.  I don't know who started that rumor.  Some are on TV raising families...

And the candidate should have the "heartbreak of psoriasis."  Cindy Lauper approves.  And be bald, just like Joe was before he got "plugs."  He had hair implants before most of you were born, doncha' know.  Yeah, dwarfism is just different enough to attract the Liberals, plus with psoriasis we add in an extra, icky sort of physical abnormality, and being bald connects with the hairless sub-groups all over America.  

And the candidate should also be a Gypsy.  They call them "Romas" in Europe.  They're really good at picking people's pockets and telling fortunes, so Joe could use somebody already trained in the fine art of stealing from the public and peeking into the future to help decide on how to campaign.

And how about also being a transgender?  Yeah, that oughta' help, too.  A transgender.  That's so au courant (that's French).  A transgender Black Muslim Gypsy dwarf with psoriasis and "androgenetica alopecia (that's Latin)."    

But why stop there?  Let's also look for a candidate who's a recovering alcoholic and drug addict who's been to rehab a couple of times, and is faithfully attending AA meetings.  More or less.  And being a felon would help, also.  But preferably from a white-collar crime, like embezzlement.  I'm guessing at least half those in Congress have embezzled, whether or not they got caught.  So that oughta' help a lot.  

And as to addiction, Liberals just love those who are working to turn their lives around.  Just think how many recovering alcoholics and druggies there are here in America!  Like Robert Downey, Jr.!  He recovered, right?  He spent a summer washing cars at the Riverside County Jail.  And just look at him now!  

Drunks and drug addicts and jailbirds vote too, right?  Right?  Yeah, a recovering addict.  I like that...

So, in the final analysis, I'd suggest Joe look high and low (mostly high...heh, heh.  Get it?  Get it?) for a V.P. running mate who's Black, a Muslim, and a Gypsy, and a dwarf, who's transgender, and an ex-alcoholic, and recovering drug addict, who's spent a few years in the Gray Bar Hotel, and who's got a bad case of psoriasis and a bald pate.

And maybe being near-sighted with a heart murmur wouldn't hurt.  And with a bullet wound...

If you can think of any other identity group which Joe could try and attract via the choice of his running mate, be sure to let me know.  I'll pass the suggestion along to Uncle Joe as he languishes in his luxury Maryland bunker, trying to remember why he's awaiting his chance at the Brass Ring...

(BTWaaay, this is the very first bit of bile I've ever puked forth that hasn't included any italicized purple, look-at-me words.  I hope you appreciate my extra-special efforts at self-control...) 

Well do you?