"So Why Don't You Get a Cat?"

For those of you who don't know, your life changes quite a bit when a spouse passes on.  And I hope you don't find that out anytime soon...

From a partner with whom you can talk and bank ideas off of and complain to and bitch at, you're left alone, with nobody, close, to talk to.

Oh, you can mumble to yourself, pretty much all the time, like I do.  But that's not like having somebody to converse with.  As my dearly departed Mom used to say, it's okay to talk to yourself so long as you don't answer.  Well, mom, I've been answering.  And one of my four smart, gorgeous, concerned daughters recognized that fact.  

So she said to me one day, "Hey dad, why don't you get a dog?"  I said, "Because I'm lame and couldn't take it for walks.  And that would be unfair to the dog."  I've had four back surgeries you see, and, without a my trusty cane, I'd be relegated to a wheelchair.  BTW, have I introduced you to John, MyCane?  No?  How about Hermann?  Heh, heh.  

That's enough to make your cane Abel...

Anyway, my mobility is pretty much nonexistent, so running and jumping and taking dogs for walks is pretty much in the rear view mirror.  

So, although I love dogs, and most all animals, for that matter (they taste so good!), I nixed the idea.  "Then, why don't you get a cat," she then said?"  I thought about it for a minute, and said, "Maybe."

"Maybe" is my way of saying, "Are you shi*ting me?"  

A couple of weeks passed.  And then one Monday afternoon my sweet daughter, Tiana, called and said, "Hey dad, I'm at the animal shelter.  Do you still want that cat?"  I stuttered and stammered a bit, before I said, "Sure."  Just goes to show you that you can get old, but that doesn't mean you have to get smart...

So here comes the cat.  Tiana arrives at my humble abode with my brand-new(ish), nine-month old grey and white little boy kitten, cute as all get out.  And my life has never been the same since...

So, although it's only been a couple of months or so, I've learned enough about cat ownership by now to fill you in.  Prepare yourself; it's not a pretty picture...  

1.  My cat's training is almost complete.  There's still a couple of things I have yet to learn, and I'm learning as fast as I can, but my cat's training is almost complete. 

2.  Did you know that cats can fly?  Yes, yes they can.  They can fly from one piece of furniture to another in one glorious bound.  And then on to the next.  All day.  Like a flash of grey/white, screaming by in front of my face, usually when I least expect it.  Which, I might add, can scare the pee right out of you! 

(Just wondering, if I feed this little predator less, will he stop flying so much?) 

I still recall that moment when my TV went blank for a split-second as the cat performed a full eclipse of the Samsung, fully laid-out, screaming by, afterburners fully lit, doing his best Top Gun impression.  Yes, my friends, cats can fly.  Not well, but often...  

3.  Did you know that cats are always hungry?  They are.  And I don't care HOW much you feed them!  They will still pester the crap out of you to give them more; and then more again.  I guess that's how some of them wind up looking like Garfield.

Did you know that anything remotely resembling food, of any type, however it looks or smells, or used to look or smell, may not be left out, anywhere, at anytime, at all, if you have a cat?  You didn't know that?  Well, my friends, I didn't either, but any food item at all, no matter how it looks or smells, is fair game.  And if it's wrapped in plastic, boy, look out!  It won't be for long!  So you'll learn pdq (pretty damn quick) to put away anything you'd prefer not to sweep up.  And in my case that included a full, previously unopened box of strawberry Pop-Tarts, which wound up torn to shreds, little pink bits all over a hundred square feet of floor, completely destroyed, while I had the temerity to actually try and get some sleep.  What COULD I have been thinking?

4.  Did you know that cats are dumber than a bag of rocks?  Or, perhaps they're smarter than any other creature?  I can't figure out which, because my cat just looks quizzically at me when I give it orders, totally unmoved by the urgency in my voice.  Maybe that means it's just pretending not to understand, hoping I'll just give up and go away.  Or, given its cold, steely gaze, perhaps it's just waiting for the day it can grow just a bit larger so it can kill me and drag me off to its lair somewhere to be slowly eaten.

5.  Getting a cat is better than going to the gym.  Yep, since I've acquired Critter (its name!), I've done more lifting, and mopping, and cleaning, and sweeping, and stooping, and dusting, and wiping, and, and, and...  You can straighten up the house and, within minutes, Hiroshima!  Yes, my friends, a cat will give you plenty of exercise.  And you'll hate every single minute of it...

And so, my friends, you've now been updated on the early consequences of my momentary mental lapse.  As I've only been owned by the cat for some weeks now, my experience is justly limited.  No doubt as time passes I'll learn even more.  But as for now, I'd say this little predator is watching me just like it would watch an extremely large mouse.  Just waiting.  Staring at me.  Waiting until it grows enough to attack!  My advice?  If a daughter calls and asks you anything, be sure to think it through before you answer.  You might find yourself dodging a flying cat...