"Poop Patrol:" The Law of Unintended Consequences....

I, The Chuckmeister, your loyal scribe, your Ambassador Without Portfolio, your Map Through the Media Minefield, have lit upon a factoid you, my loyal reader, need to know.

Yep, it's true; San Francisco has finally jumped the shark.  The Law of Unintended Consequences has risen up and bitten this former Jewel by the Bay in the ass.  

For years the Leftoids in charge up there have simply turned their backs on the homeless, the vagrants, the addicted, the aggressive panhandlers, the rude, obnoxious loiters that hassle and pester visitors each and every day.  Their having embraced their form of complete freedom back in the "Summer of Love" 1960's, has morphed from something kind of "cute" back then to something very scary now; scary enough that the coveted American Medical Association convention scheduled for next year, which was to have contributed some $60,000,000 to local cash registers, was cancelled.  They say they don't need the risk or the grief, and I don't blame them. 

The streets in San Frantwisto are covered with trash.  Liquor bottles, hypodermic needles and human waste cover the streets.  It's not only an eyesore, it poses a major public health hazard!  So, the good folks up there in Commieville came up with the answer:  The "Poop Patrol."

Yes folks, the brand-spanking new "Poop Patrol" was unveiled there last week.  A whole cadre of highly trained technicians, probably with high school GED's, will swarm the streets each day, cleaning and sanitizing and polishing them so that tourists will be happy like little clams. Of course, by the end of the day, the crap will all return.  Literally.  And tomorrow they'll repeat the process and everyone will be happy and feeling all Progressive again, right?

Well, they'll be happy, at least.  Each "Poop Patrol" member will receive a pay package of $185,000 a year for providing this essential service.  For purposes of comparison, that's $10 Grand more than we pay our Senators.  But then again, I doubt our Senators would pick up crap off the streets.  It may not be enough to live there, but hey, they'll just strike for higher pay when the time comes.

And get it...

For purposes of background, the City of San Fran spends more than $70,000,000 a year trying to keep the streets clean.  With vagrant encampments all over the City, that job is a never-ending process.  Additionally, they've now added another $700,000 a year for even more specialized folks, probably even possessing triple-digit I.Q.s, to pick up just human feces!  In HazMat suits!  I can see it all now.  Pile of sh*t?  Who ya' gonna' call?

"Poop Patrol!"

Now, it's probably just me, but wouldn't it be better, and cheaper, and cleaner, as well as safer, more attractive and businesslike, and certainly more sanitary, to just prevent such activity in the first place?  You know, just prevent hundreds and hundreds of scofflaws from building encampments all around Union Square?  

Well, my friends, let me introduce you to the "Law of Unintended Consequences."  You try something to fix something, and you discover quickly that you blew it; your "fix" will cause everything else to go to Hell and force you to try another solution to "fix" the one you already tried, but didn't work.  

Overlaid on San Fran this means it allowed its "Progressive-ness" to take over and permit totally uncivilized, lawless, dangerous activity, just to prove how completely "Progressive" it really is.  All without a single thought as to how to pay for it.  No problem there, right?  Just raise taxes on the middle class.  Oh wait!  Their Middle Class just packed up and moved to Points East!

Do you know the only difference between San Francisco and the Boy Scouts of America?  The Boy Scouts have adult leaders...

A Publicly-Funded Escape...

I've spent my entire life trying to amass a degree of wealth.

So far, no luck.

But I've finally lit upon a plan that is surely guaranteed to work!  And if you promise to keep it just between you and me, I'll share it with you.  Okay?  Here goes...

There's been a flurry of highly-placed Dept. of Justice execs who've been fired, or demoted, or sent to the woodshed over their wonton efforts to sink Trump's boat.  Like the ex-Deputy Director of the FBI, Andy McCabe.  He was caught in multiple lies and was unceremoniously dumped.  And Peter Strozulzchek, or however you spell it.  He and Lisa Page, his steady squeeze, an also-married DOJ exec, decided to bring down Trump, in any way possible.  

Can't you just see it?  "Hey Lisa, let's meet in the broom closet in 15 minutes for a quick romp and a dump-Trump strategy session."  

And James Comey, of course, the FBI Director.  And Bruce Orr, the FBI's highest-ranking career executive, and his wife, and God knows who else.  It seems the top tier  of the FBI, CIA and NSA were all corrupted by Obama and his sycophants, who then proceeded to run roughshod over the Constitution for the next 8 years.  

But then Trump roars onto the scene.  And all of a sudden the private little fiefdom these guys enjoyed was under attack.  And they colluded to fight back.

BTW, isn't "collusion" a capital crime?

And in the process of hiring lawyers and answering interrogatories and prepping testimony and  testifying in front of Congress, at about $550 an hour for a decent mouthpiece, they discovered they were broke; it can cost several hundred thousand dollars in legal fees to defend yourself against a Federal Government that prints money.  And that's if you're innocent...

So what did they do?

They opened up "Go Fund Me" accounts to pay their legal bills.  And maybe their rent.  And their dinners out, for all I know.  And maybe a vacay or two to get some R & R.  The over-sexed Strzckuck referenced above raised more than $450,000 in just a couple of days!

So here's my plan:  I come out as a Leftoid.  I put a Bernie Sanders sticker on my car.  I turn my back on capitalism and the 2nd Amendment and freedom of speech, and loudly embrace all the LGBTQZMEL's out there, and fervently espouse the forced confiscation of unnecessary and probably ill-gotten wealth, and then prostrate myself in front of the free world.  

I loudly proclaim my innocence and beg for money to protect myself from the evil bullies who are trying to put me in jail for being an evil bully.  I go on telethons and appear at church socials and set up a camp cot at MSNBC.  Once the cash comes in, I grab it and run for the door, beating feet to Costa Rica, or Belize, or some other safe spot to live out my life on the entirely legal but oh-so smelly gains I've received from some very misguided folks with more money than sense to whom politics is more important than facts...

Whaddaya think?  Let me know if there's any fine-tuning I should do before putting my nefarious plot into motion.  I await your response...

An Open Letter to the Commissioner of the NFL.

Date:  Today

National Football League
ATTN:  Mr. Roger Goodell,
           Commissioner
10950 Washington Blvd.,
Culver City, CA 90232           

Dear Mr. Goodell;

     We're now in Year Two of the Anthem protests.

     And your League is hemorrhaging viewers at flank speed.  This is not good.  Viewership of your nationally televised games is down more than 20%!  And that's our National Pastime we're talking about here!  And it is not what your owners are paying you to avoid.

     You are being paid more than $40 Million a year to make sure your League doesn't go through what your League is going through.  And I submit it is entirely your fault.

     People watch football for an escape.  An opportunity to forget their worries and lose themselves in a sporting contest for a few hours that means absolutely nothing but can captivate everyone.  And it's been that way for more than 50 years.  And it may cease under your reign...    

     A spoiled, self-possessed, aggrieved multi-millionaire decided one day a year ago to protest police shootings of Blacks and some other stuff, I think, but can't be entirely sure.  He chose the National Anthem to frame his protest by kneeling instead of standing, reverently, hand over heart, until the music stops, as the Rules specify.  Apparently he wasn't taught the niceties of being a patriotic American.  And he displayed that ignorant, self-possessed disdain in front of millions one Sunday afternoon.  


     And the NFL has been in upheaval ever since.  

     All you would have had to do, Mr. Goodell, is issue a proclamation, an Executive Order, or whatever, demanding that this player and all the other players adhere to the Rules as they exist!  Those Rules state that the players will stand with their hands over their hearts while the Anthem plays.  He didn't.  And the rest, as they say, is history.

     Mr. Goodell, I hate to say it, but you are displaying your lack of talent and leadership each day you permit this to continue.  Try taking a page out of the Cowboys' Jerry Jones' playbook and tell them to stand or get the Hell out.

      People make a conscious decision as to how to invest their free time.  And the question as to whether they choose to invest it watching a bunch of overpaid whiners protest the Symbol of our National Greatness, and the price our heroes have paid to make and keep us free, is being answered in real time.  And the answer you're getting is "pack your bags."  If you'd like to watch the National Football League go down in flames under your feckless leadership, just keep doing what you're doing.  Or, in this case, not doing...  

     I offer these suggestion with due respect and deference.  I know you must know what you're doing or your billionaire owners wouldn't keep giving you a bushel basket of cash every year to do it.  So, unless you have pictures of them in bed with a hooker or a young boy, I suggest you grow a set and save the League before it goes the way of the buggy whip.

                                        Regards,


                                        Chuckmeister, 
                                        Command Bunker
                                        Peoples' Republic of CA 

The Iranian Revolution

Ex-Prez Jimmy Carter was interviewed today by the Washington Post.  During it, he offered up, "I think (Trump's) a disaster in human rights and treating people equal."  

Reading that quote gave me pause.  I was forced to recollect the events of some 40 years ago and how it changed everything that followed.  

Are you under the age of 40?  Then you likely have no recollection of how the Iranian Revolution started, and why we, America, are complicit in its founding.

You read that right.  We can blame ourselves for the mess in Iran, and for turning a friend into a foe.  How?  Why?  When?

Let's talk about it, in short, clipped, simple terms, no embellishment, just the stuff you need to understand what caused it and why.  So here goes...

Jimmy Carter gets elected POTUS in 1976.  Carter was a very fine man, a retired Navy officer, a submarine safety specialist, ex-governor of Georgia, a successful peanut farmer and Sunday school teacher.  

Oh yeah, and he was also a fool...

Carter was big into human rights.  He didn't think Shah Pahlavi, the Shah of Iran, sitting on the Peacock Throne, was treating his people right.  Oh, they were driving around in BMWs, and wearing Gucci, and loving their oil wealth, and living free and easy, but apparently the Shah had a habit of treating his political enemies harshly.  Like jailing them and tossing away the keys.  So, Carter gave him an ultimatum: treat your people better or we'll withdraw our military and political shield of protection.  He didn't.  We did.

The Shah was deposed.  He put his family on a plane and beat feet.  To first one country, and then another.  Seems no country wished to offer Pahlavi, sick with terminal cancer, a place to light so he could get treatment.

And immediately following "wheels up" for the Shah, there was "wheels up" for Ruhallah Khomeini, the Big Muslim Kahuna who'd been languishing in a penthouse apartment in Paris for years, just waiting for the chance to bring his dream of a Sunni Islamic Republic back to Iran.  

Carter finally relented and allowed the Shah to seek treatment at the Cleveland Clinic.  He then promptly died.

Upon the Big Mullah's arrival the Tehran, the Muslims took over.  Their first act was to storm our Embassy, taking a bunch of American hostages and holding them for 444 days.  Daily TV from Iran showed our folks being mistreated. They poked The Bear in the eye, and we the bear, blinked.  

Carter did try a rescue attempt, but our military by that time was so depleted and rusty from lack of funding and attention that the effort ended in a disastrous crash and a number of American deaths in the Iranian desert.  This was just another black eye that proved to some of us, at least, that we needed to man-up and grow a set. 

We did.  We elected Ronnie Reagan.  And on the day he was inaugurated, January 20, 1981, the Iranians blinked; they were so scared our Ronnie would bring Great Pee upon them, they released our prisoners and ended the hostage crisis. 

So, when you turn on the news today and see the Mullahs scream "Death to America!" at the top of their lungs, and threaten to close down the Gulf of Hormuz, and promise to eradicate the "Little Satan," Israel, and us, of course, "The Great Satan," and fund terrorism around the globe, including Hezbollah and the Taliban, frustrating our efforts to bring, and keep, peace.  

But of course we helped them do so with a jet plane full of $1.5 Billion in shrink-wrapped $100 bills as Barry Obama's kind offering to Middle East Peace.

So, if you're happy with the situation in Iran, thank a Democrat.  If you'd like to change it, vote Republican.  Your choice, your Country...

(BTW, this was all from memory (my long-term memory is pretty good, it's just the stuff from like, 3 minutes ago that needs help), so some of the time-lines might be tweakable, but overall, it's right as rain.  So, if it enlightens, I've fulfilled my Charter from God.  If not, consider you got what you paid for and stop bitching...)

Gun Control. Another Humble Offering to the Masses...

Word has it that the Democrats have settled upon scorched-Earth gun-control for their upcoming mid-term Election campaign.  They seem to think that a predominance of the 'Murcian peeple will get off their Barcaloungers and go to the polls because gun-control is the central issue.  

I think they're wrong.   Here's a couple of reasons why... 

Has anyone ever considered that the only people who obey gun laws are law-abiding citizens?

In fact, one could say without fear of retribution that only the  law-abiding, abide laws.

And thus, any more restrictive gun laws would affect only those who are already obeying overly restrict gun laws.  And the passage of ever more restrictive gun laws is certain as  Polar bears dying by the thousands (get kidding about that!  Sorry!).  

Some states are worse than others.  California, for instance, passes an average of 12 new gun control laws each and every year, and has for the past two decades.  Did you know you cannot buy a handgun in CA newly manufactured after 2013 unless it offers "microstamping?"  That's the uber-new, whiz bang, super high-zoot technology that permits a firearm to imprint a unique serial number on each and every brass case of the ammunition as its fired, so the fuzz can use its forensics magic to locate the perp's weapon after a crime.  Sounds great, doesn't it?   I mean, is this the answer to out-of-control gun crimes, finally? 

I mean, so it costs a fortune and any Bad Guy could simply file off the serial number and go on about his nefarious bidness. It's still good, right?

It's so new, in fact, that it does not even exist!  Isn't that the height of "Catch-22?"  Requiring the implementation of technology that does not exist in order to permit citizens to avail themselves of non-approved items?  

Non-approved by the State, that is.  It doesn't have to outlaw the firearms with which it finds disfavor, which is nearly all of them.  All it has to do is make it impossible to buy certain ones due to regulatory obfuscation.  And then to make ammunition unaffordable, which it recently did.  Imagine having to pass a Federal National Instant Criminal System background check (yes, Virginia, we already have one) each and every time you want to buy a $5 box of .22 shells?  A $5 bit of beer can-killing pleasure will soon cost $30.  

Oh yeah, and you can simply take a leisurely drive to Vegas and load up your trunk with .22s sans the background check. And then take them to the Swap Meet and sell them minus all the extra cost to all the other nice folks who've been hosed by the State.  Like residents of NY State did when it hiked the tobacco tax by 400%.  

Imagine if every time some bozo robs a BofA bank, all other BofA banking customers were penalized for that guy's errant behavior?  Or if every time a Chevy driver gets a speeding ticket all other Chevrolets had to have speed limiting devices installed?  But not Fords?  Or if some lady spills coffee in her lap at MickeyD's and they have to stop selling coffee?

But not at Starbucks?

This is what's called the tyranny of the State. 

And imagine one more thing:  What if the 100,000+ million American gun owners, who possess in excess of 325 million guns, and more than One Trillion Rounds of ammunition, were actually guilty of all the evils the Left accuses them?  Imagine if one day they finally get pissed off at being vilified  and actually do what you've been accusing them of all these years?  If so, it would seem to me it might be time for them to pack their bags and get out of Dodge, post-haste.  

Definitions...

It seems that the term "socialism" is being bandied about more and more these days.

That's possibly due to the recent primary victory of a young woman with too many names from the Bronx, who has declared herself a "Democratic Socialist."  Wonderful.  I suppose she chose that club to join because Bernie Sanders is its President.  

BTW, this young lady just graduated from college with a degree in economics.  If you've been watching her TV interviews post-campaign victory, you'd agree she needs to sue her alma mater for malpractice.

And we're told that our Millennials, young folks from 18 - 35, are taking quite a shine to socialism as well.  I think they think that it means the Gummint provides everything you need, from cradle to grave, absolutely free, simply because you won the Birth Lottery and were born in 'Murica. 

Kind of like, that old saw, "There ain't no free lunch" no longer applies.

Oh yeah, and all those illegals might become proud Americans as well if the Dems take back the House in November.

But for purposes of accuracy, I'd like to provide some definitions for those whose education is economically-challenged.  Here goes:

Capitalism:  An economic theory by way of which the State has no ownership or control of Capital.  Beyond regulatory authority to insure public safety and welfare, the State has nothing to do with manufacturing, distribution, ownership or control.

Socialism:  The State controls all sources of manufacturing and distribution.  Ownership means nothing without control.

Communism:  The State owns all sources of manufacturing and distribution.

Marxism:  The State not only owns all those things, it owns YOU!

So how do they work in practical application?  Well, we know how well Capitalism works because it has enabled America to grow from nothing to the largest economy in the world in just over 200 years.  

Socialism has enabled Venezuela to go from the very richest country in South America 100 years ago to the very poorest country in the Western World.  Example:  If you have a full-time job there, and 64% do not, you can earn the equivalent of two cups of coffee a day for your labors.  And oh yeah, they've had to lock the zoo and patrol it with their military because the starving Venezuelans, who have each lost an average of 24 pounds last year, keep eating the animals.  And just yesterday their Central Bank just decided to "fix" their runaway, 1,000% inflation by "erasing five zeros from their currency."

So, if you have a 100,000 Bolivar note, which used to buy you a nice dinner out, you're now the grand owner of $One Dollar.  Still seem attractive?

More and more Democrats are calling for all-out socialism.  Once Trump was elected and they came to realize that their Chosen Leader, wouldn't, they launched an all-out effort to run him from office.  Everything they tried...failed.  And every time they failed they became ever more exasperated.  They kept doubling-down.  And while they were providing a glimpse of their carefully-concealed socialism streak during the course of their bleatings, the Legacy Media is doing their best to provide them with cover.  In short, there's an undercurrent of socialism running through old-line Progressive politics these days that should scare the Hell out of prospective voters.  NOTE:  It's been there since Woodrow Wilson, they've just hidden it pretty well.

My own personal opinion is that we lost a big chunk of what it means to be an American when we lost the draft.  It's been more than 70 years since our young have had to stand up and don the uniform of their Proud Country.  And with the loss of that sense of servitude, of pride, of ownership, we have also lost some of our patriotism.  Take a look at the sideline of your friendly NFL game this Sunday if you doubt me...

But it's not too late.  I think we're at a crossroads, America.  We have been trending downward by almost every measure for decades.  And there are those who are damned tired of it and trying to do something about it.  You and I will have a ringside seat while this battle of ideologies unfolds in front of us...

From "C-List" to "A-List."

So you find yourself an aging, over-the-hill actor or actress (and these days, who can tell the difference?)."  The good roles have passed you by, but the rolls around your waist...haven't.  Your mansion needs a new roof, your Rolls-Royce has a balky transmission, and your Malamute-ShihTzsu-Great Dane-AKC registered crossbreed has a boil on its belly and needs a $54,000 operation.  

By a Veterinarian to the Stars...

You've got to make something happen to break back through and re-emerge on "The Scene," and start generating some of those Big Bucks "stars" like you are supposed to earn.

You've even considered taking a pick ax to The Donald's "Star" just to garner some media attention (has that been done yet?).  I mean, the pappawhatzits don't even chase after you anymore!

So, some of you may not know that I, The Chuckmeister, am a Certified Genius at public relations and crisis management.  And therefore I'm uber-qualified to provide my personalized Rx for the Tinseltown Over-the-Hill-Crowd who find themselves in need of some career guidance...

If you've slipped from the Top of the Heap to the Bottom of the Barrel, all you have to do is:

1.  Call a press conference and declare you're a sex addict.  State that it has ruined your life and your career and your marriage, but that you've sworn off that frowned-upon activity and entered rehab.  And that you'll be back, pretending to be someone else on that Silver Screen, before you're even missed!  Your fellow Progressive Social Justice Warriors will all say "Awwww!" in unison, and welcome you back within the fold. 

2.  Or, if you prefer, declare that you're a drug addict, and that it has ruined your life and your career and your marriage, but that you've entered rehab and you'll be back, Top of the Heap before your adoring fans can wipe the tears of sadness from their faces.  Think Robert Downey The Junior.  Worked for him, didn't it?

3.  Or, once again, you're an alcoholic, and your life and your career and your marriage is in the dumper.  Stated simply, your friends in Brentwood have removed your card from their Rolodex.  It's not that you don't get good roles, you don't get ANY roles!  Soooo, Pilgrim, you call a press conference, state openly and humbly that Evil Drink has ruined your life and your career and your marriage.  

Buuuuut, you're so very pleased to announce that you've entered rehab and you'll be back, memorizing lines, and preparing to receive your next Tony/Oscar/Grammy/Floatie/Dumpy/Crappy with mucho Progressive humility. 

Think back on all the so-called "celebrities" whose careers went from waaay down to waaay up by simply admitting a human foible, whether real or not, and then doing some of that public self-flagellation in penance.  The plastic two-dimensional folks in Hollyweird are soooooooooo predictable!   

I was thinking...

You know, I was thinking the other day (I know that will come as a shock to some of you, but trust me, it happens on occasion).  I was thinking that there's a simple, quite obvious and utterly "eureka" answer to the question of election hacking and meddling that so consumes the nightly news at most of our media outlets.

They are wringing their hands and pulling their hair about the Russians and how they helped The Donald steal the Election from Ms. Hillary.  And how they are hoping, nay praying (if they actually do that), that Mr. Meuller finds something, ANYTHING to hang around Trump's neck so he can be quickly impeached and we can get back to "normal" Governmental operations.  

And the politicians that so desperately need that Left-wing media attention so they keep those campaign donations rolling in, that they will do and say anything to advance the narrative; that Trump is a con man, thief, liar, traitor, con man, and did I mention he's a liar?  And that he colluded with Putin to pick Clinton's pocket.  And that he should be frog-marched out of our Oval Office and taken straight to Leavenworth.  Oh yeah, and Hillary installed as our 46th POTUS.  Before the sun goes down over the Washington Memorial.  That same day...

We be at an impasse, 'Murica.  Trump wants to do his job and be left alone and the Liberals in Congress and the Liberals in the MainStreamMedia (but I repeat myself) want to tar and feather him, and then draw and quarter him, and then impeach him.  And we're not going to get anything done until this Russian thing is settled.

So it struck me that there's an obvious solution to this problem:  Just place a sign outside every polling place in America on Election Day, saying... 

"Hacking Free Zone."

Yeah, that oughta' do it!  And just beside that sign, one reading...

"Citizens Only Beyond This Point."  

That's it, America!  We had the answer in front of of our eyes all along!  If a sign in front of a school saying "Gun Free Zone" will keep crazed, disaffected youts (what's a yout?) or  Islamic jihadist murdering thugs from whipping out their "assault rifles" and wiping out a bunch of innocents, then signs in front of polling places will keep prospective Russian meddlers and non-citizen illegal aliens from breaking our election and voting laws. 

You just cannot have it both ways.  If signs will keep people from shooting up a school (they won't), then signs will keep people from screwing with our election laws (they won't).  

Even if they're written in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS...

Honoring our Fallen Heroes...

The last Earthly remains of 55 of our soldiers, sailors and marines landed in Honolulu on Wednesday.  The plane carrying them arrived from North Korea, bringing our war dead to be repatriated with American soil.  A solemn, moving ceremony was conducted.  It was attended by more admirals and generals than have ever been gathered together before.  This was a Red Letter Day for America.  It deserved the attention of all those who believe they owe their peace and freedom to to the great men and women who've carried our banner into battle over the past 200+ years.  And have fallen...

We've been striving for more than 65 years to bring our dead heroes home.  Through the good offices of the Trump Administration, the process has begun.

You should know that when we choose to join the military we write a blank check to our fellow citizens and the Federal Government.  That check is written for a price of up and including...our lives. A part of the bargain that Government makes with our Fighting Forces is to never, ever leave them behind.  And that includes our dead.

Fox News covered the entire event, beginning-to-end.  CNN gave it a full 58 seconds of coverage.  MSNBC didn't feel compelled to mention it at all.

Those near either ocean seem to wonder why those in between, those in the so-called "flyover country," believe the MainStreamMedia is biased, and in some cases outright corrupt.  I direct those afflicted with this willful failure to accept the obvious to the foregoing data snippet.  They should need no further evidence.  

"Should," being the operative word here...     

The Epihany...

My kids went through life like a capybara through an anaconda.

At only 15 months apart, they grew up like twins...or quads.  My four daughters all came spewing out like so many pages from a Zerox machine.  Boom, boom boom!  One after another!  They they were!  To love and kiss and hug.  And to feed and clothe and educate and, and, and...

I can still (less than) fondly recall changing one while Elaine was feeding another.  All day.  And all night.  Every day, and every night.  Did I tell you Elaine was pregnant for five years?

Just trying to get laid, I was...

Yep, just wandering through life, selling stuff, making money and trying to get laid.  Just like every other single guy in America.  At that time.  No telling what single guys want now.  Not even sure that guys are guys here in California any more.  You know the old saying might actually have come true:  "California:  Where the men are men and half the women are too."  You can get arrested here for calling somebody by the wrong pronoun.  Near as I can tell the net result from eight years of the Obama Administration is you can now decide where you want to pee.  So we "normal" people just try and keep our heads down low and avoid attracting attention from "the authorities."  

But back to the cruel joke my soon-to-be wife played on me.  I told her all I wanted out of a relationship was a dozen cars.  She told me all she wanted was a dozen kids.  I said, "Sure, that sounds fair!"  Except, nobody told me you can't have a dozen kids and a dozen cars at the same time!  I'm not even sure you can have one car when you have even one kid here in CA anymore!   

Cars are expensive.  Let's start with the gas tax here.  We pay $0.62 a gallon more than the rest of 'Murica.  Why?  Because they can.  But kids are WAAAAAAAAAAAAY more expensive!  I had no idea that my kids would consume 112% of my entire income for a period of about 22 years.  My deal with my dearly departed wife was simple:  I'd make the money, and she'd spend it.  Yeah, turns out we were both pretty good at our jobs...

Turns out I made tons of money.  And she spent tons and tons of money.  And right smack in the center of that tsunami, that torrent, nay, that all-out-Hoover-vacuum-cleaner-suction-attack on my bank account was a thing called "braces."  My dentist readily admits he was put through Berkeley by the money we paid his orthodontist dad for installing braces on my kids.  All at the same time...

And then there's stuff like prom dresses.  And limos.  And college degrees.  And marriages.  and marriages!  Did I tell you that guys are for some strange, never-be-known, archaic, medieval, unintelligible reason are expected to pay for their daughters' weddings?  Perhaps it has something to do with olde tyme customs such as dowries. Did I tell you that?  Well, they are.  And I was.  

However, my wife managed to get at least half of the last two weddings paid for by the grooms' families, which I'm led to believe was something of a custom-breaker.  So what could have been a retirement-wounding $120,000 outlay turned only into two-thirds of that.  Yeah, I know.  How lucky can one guy get?

The Good News is that I discovered I could become an ordained Minister of the Gospel here in crazy CA.  For a $5.00 fee I managed to be able to marry off the last two daughters and saved a bundle.  With Dana, I walked her down the aisle, turned around, asked the assemblage, "Who gives this woman to be married to this man?  I then turned and said, "Her mother and I do."  And then I turned once again and proceeded to conduct the ceremony.  Heh, heh...

But back to the severe gash that daughters can put in your net worth.  There's apartments and cars and first houses and so, so much more stuff that I can't even remember.  All I can remember is that the harder and longer I worked, the poorer I became.  In money.  But in daughters?  I was a very rich man.

That's what Elaine kept telling.  "You're car poor and daughter rich," she would say.  And then she would laugh.  Out loud.  Yeah, I felt a lot better after that...

I'm told by dads of sons that they are cheaper.  But how would they know?  I'm guessing guys are pretty expensive too, what with broken bones and speeding tickets and bailing them out of the local hoosegow.  I know that I would rather have had twelve daughters than one son like me.  I mean, I was hustling pool on the road at the ripe old age of 16.  How'd you like to try and parent that?  But hey, I keep telling myself that there was no real difference in the cost of raising boys and girls.  But you know that I know, that you know that I know, that that's just so much crap... 

Anyway, after the raising is done, and the last daughter has flown the coop, and the job is supposedly finished, it isn't.  Daughters need their moms --- forever.  I don't know if sons do, but daughters definitely do.  They need info from mom, sometimes daily, about all the important things in their lives, and how to cope with them.  Love, sex, marriage, kids, birth, finance, and finally, death. 

I've learned that guys and gals get together to do a lot of stuff, but mostly they grow their own friends.  They start having kids, because, I don't know, because they just need to.  The wives honor their womb "clock" that's ticking and the only scratch for that itch is to give birth.  To raise them into their friends, and usually, as in my case, into a brood.  A tribe.  An entire team.  And the guys?  They just pretty much go along with whatever their wives want so long as they are left alone and keep getting laid. 

And I've learned one more thing:  I used to think I'd do something really big in my life.  Something important.  Something Earth-shaking.  And then one day I had an epiphany.  I finally came to realize I already had.  I raised four daughters.  And all of them are, and will continue to do something Earth-shaking in my stead.  

So, after the sweat from work has cooled on the brow, and there's nothing left in a life well lived but memories, I'll have mine.  And I wouldn't sell them for anything...

Including a dozen cars...