Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Where are all those "Glutens?"

You no doubt know that the hippy trend to "gluten free" has become a Big Business in today's America.

Why?  Damn good question.

The effort to remove glutens, the primary protein in wheat, a staple in our diet for millenia, a substance that represents more than 20% of the average Americans' daily diet, has become an $8 Billion Dollar enterprise.  Read that again:  We are spending more than $8 Billion a year to remove glutens from what we eat!  20 years ago?  10 years ago? No one seemed to care.  But now?

We're told that glutens can cause iliac disease, and excess gas, and stomach distress, and weight gain, and awful skin rashes, and all sorts of other evil scourges in our puny little lives.  So why, I humbly ask, did we manage to eat cereals and breads and beer and other foodstuffs for generations, nay, for tens of thousands of years, without a problem of any kind? Because, I humbly offer, that no one back then had figured out how to make a living off of scaring the piss out of us...

Go to your local supermarket and walk up and down the aisles.  You'll see "gluten free" this, and "gluten free" that. And the prices for all that "gluten removal" are outrageous. By my reckoning, we're paying at least a 20% premium to have some bozo remove those little glutens, perhaps one at a time, with a tweezer, maybe, from the bread and cereal and pizza crusts we buy and eat.  And are we getting our money's worth from having them do so?  Me thinks not.

I'm of the opinion that there's a gigantic pile of glutens somewhere. Maybe out back of the Kellogg's Battle Creek, Michigan factory.  A big, BIG pile of glutens.  I mean, tons of glutens!  

So how about this: We start putting those glutens into an entirely new food group, which we sell to all those folks who have been screwed out of their hard-earned glutens by all those tree-hugging, carrot-chomping, electric car-driving, sauvignon blanc-sipping eco-weenies.  Maybe we put it into a spread, like margarine, which we're told also will kill us.  Or like that fake orange cheese stuff that we dip our Doritos into. We'd have to give it an enticing color, to be sure, but hey, I doubt we'd have a problem making it not only good looking, but good tasting, too!  

And a great name as well.  "Gluticious," maybe? "Gluterene," perhaps. "Glu-you," I'm thinking.  No matter.  There's a whole cadre of marketing geniuses hanging around who could be called upon to give this new "food group" an enticing moniker.  Can't you just imagine the money that could be made! 

This is a challenge, all you food manufacturers out there. We want our glutens!  Give them back!  Okay then, my mid-week rant is at an end. Go back to your "Great Unwashed" little lives and enjoy the rest of your day... 

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