Tuesday, March 21, 2017

The Mexican-American War, Part Deux...

I have the answer to ending illegal immigration from Meheeeeeeeeeeeko, our jolly good neighbor to the south.

And to every other problem we've had with our cousins "down there," for that matter.

Yes, my friends, and you are my friends, the Number One (or Two or Three, maybe) topic of conversation around Foggy Bottom these days is ending the flood (trickle? stream? rivulet?) of illegals pouring over the border between us and Meheeeeeeeko. Our newly-minted Prez Trump has promised to put an end to that gusher and then get rid of the criminal illegals who are laughing at us for being so stupid as to allow them to come here so easily, commit crimes and then hang out unimpeded.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he comes through on that promise.  

But whether he does or not, building a wall won't stop it. They'll get over it, or under it, or around it. But for sure, they'll manage to come here and screw us and our beneficence. It's always been that way.  It likely always will.

But I, The Chuckmeister, have a plan.  Yes, my friends, A PLAN!  I have a plan to fix this whole sordid mess, right now, before anybody else pulls up their pantaloons and wades across the Rio Grande.  And before anybody else gets one of our jobs, and before anyone else starts illegally receiving Gummint benefits, and before another illegal gets a drivers' license here in the once-Golden State of Taxifornia, and then votes.  So, here goes...

I have a friend who owns a Chevy dealership.  I've spoken with him and he has agreed to loan me six or seven good, used Suburbans. Suburbans, as you know, are really, really big SUVs that can hold like 7 or 8 beefy guys.  

I have another friend who owns a gun store.  Yes, I am a gunner, and I enjoy punching holes in pieces of paper with high-powered rifles and pistols.  And my friend has lots of those shiny, powerful things hanging around his shop.  And he's agreed to loan me several AR-15 rifles and some Baretta 92-S pistols, and lots and lots of ammo, only blanks, of course, to go with both.  

And I have yet another friend who owns a bank.  And he's upset at illegal immigration and wants to do something about it.  And he thinks I can help.  And he's willing to front me $250,000 in fresh, uncirculated $twenties, which I can put to good use.

Yeah, I know, I have a lot of friends.

And what I intend to do with those Suburbans and rifles and pistols and crisp, new $20's will be the stuff of legends. LEGENDS, do you hear me!

I have a bunch of old, overweight friends with high blood pressure who served in that unpleasantness known affectionately back then as the Viet Nam War. And they're pissed!  Pissed that they were so taken for granted by the country they served so loyally, and pissed because the country they love so dearly has become a magnet for Meheeeeeeko's poor, and pissed because they miss all the action!  You know, bullets flying, ducking and bobbing and weaving, digging foxholes and then hiding in them, etc.  And they're pissed because America of today is nothing like the America they risked their lives to protect and serve.  

The "entitled" generation wants lots of free stuff for doing nothing. Our vets are already pissed about that.  But illegals pouring over the border and taking Americans' jobs, and causing all sorts of crimes and causing lots of grief, has left the Viet Nam Vets upset and ready to rummmmble! And they're more than willing to do something about it. 

And so, after a little bit of training (damn little, I'm guessing!), on a bright, sunny Tuesday morning to come, or maybe a Wednesday, we'll position a Suburban, filled with coffee- and tequila-fueled old veterans, each with an AR-15 and a Baretta, filled with blanks, at one of the border crossings with Meheeeeeeko. And in each SUV there will be a briefcase loaded with brand-new $20's. At a given time, say 11:00 a.m., just about the time the sun is high in the Heavens and the border guards down there are starting to get really sleepy, the vets will gun their motors and rush headlong toward the border crossings. Say, San Diego and El Centro and Nuevo Laredo, and another four or five locations.  

Just as they begin to breach the border crossings, they'll open the briefcases, power down the windows, extract a bundle of $20's, crumple them up and begin tossing them out at the Meheeeeeekano border guards. They, being money-grubbing, underpaid civil servants, will begin scrambling on the ground and fighting with each other to pick up the money. And as they do so the Suburbans will blow past them without a single shot (blank!) being fired.  And off they'll go toward their ultimate destination:

Meheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeko Citeeee!

I'm guessing that they'll head south unimpeded because the border guards will now be tossing back tequila shots at some sleazy border bar, using all that fresh new gringo money, and will have failed to notify any of the authorities to be on the lookout for a bunch of fat, heavily-armed old ex-soldiers in SUV's.  

A few hours later the SUV's will all converge on the Capitol Building in Meheeeeeeeeeko Citeee, jump out of their vehicles and storm the Seat of Government!  Considering that most all of the elected officials who are supposed to be there are probably vacationing at one of the tony hotels in Beverly Hills, our soldiers will meet little, if any, resistance. 

And so, just before dark, they will plant the Stars and Stripes on the front lawn and take the Meheeeeeeeekan capitol without any drama at all. Not a shot being fired.  And we can then do what we should have done in 1848: Take Meheeeeeeko as part of the spoils of war.

And by that I mean we should have done that back then when the Treaty of Guadalupe Hildago was crafted.  We took "Aztlan," the giant chunk of territory north of the current border.  That area of "Nord Americano" includes half of California, all of Utah, Nevada, Arizona, New Meheeeeeko and a large part of Texas.  But it could have, and should have, included all of Meheeeeeeeko.  Had it done so we wouldn't be having all these problems today.

Now you know that Puerto Rico is owned and operated by us, the Americans.  We pay their way, we welcome their visitors, ummm, immigrants, for life, in most instances.  That doesn't include Jennifer Lopez, who's more than welcome. We put them on our food stamps. We permit them to vote in our elections.  We send them boat loads of cash when they run out.  I mean, they're basically another state.  So why not welcome another third-world country?  I suggest that we're better off owning and operating Meheeeeeeeeeko then simply trying, unsuccessfully, to keep their poorest citizens out.  I mean, after all, they're mostly here anyway, aren't they?

To be sure, you can Google the population of Meheeeeeeko and you'll discover that there's supposed to be 103,000,000 people living there. The Feds tell us that there's somewhere around 11.3 million of them living here.  It may well be more like 15 or 20 or 30 million. Who knows? We sure as Hell don't.  But one thing's for sure: Considering that there's so few of them left there, my overweight Viet Nam Vets will likely not encounter any serious resistance from them while our guys are on their way to Meheeeeeeeeko Citeee, right?

So, when it's all over, we will own this toilet of a country.  We will begin to exploit their copious quantities of natural resources, including vast oil reserves,  copper, zinc, nickel, silver and gold.  There's more than 4,000 miles of pristine shoreline surrounding Meheeeeeeeko, including up and down the Baja, and up and down the Sea of Cortez. We'll line them with Hiltons and Crowne Plazas and Holiday Inns and Best Westerns and Marriotts.  We'll then begin to hire them to work in these resorts, giving them no reason to try and break in to what was once a "foreign country." We can help build up their infrastructure, including hospitals and schools and power plants, benefiting the population that chooses to stay there versus come here.  All in all, it should be a "win-win-win."

Oh, and we'll hand back over the slightly more used Suburbans, AR's and the Barettas, plus whatever cash is left over.  And what's left?  An America twice the size, and with twice the natural resources.  And a much more stable, reasonable, reliable situation than the one we started with. 

And what might be next?  How about we then annex Canada?  I mean, there's only 25,000,000 of them up there, and they're not doing too much with a country much bigger than America anyway.  Not likely they'll put up much of a fight, considering many of them are already here anyway. I mean, if it wasn't for hockey, and people going "eh?" all the time, there wouldn't be anything to do up there anyway.  

And then where will we be?  We'll have a completely self-sufficient nation, three times its previous size, comprising all of North America. We'll be able to survive and prosper without any imports of oil, natural gas, coal, or other energy source.  No more imports from the Middle East, a place which hates us and wants us dead.  And with no more need to protect the oil fields over there, we wouldn't need to garrison troops there, and no more reason for those misunderstood locals to want to blow us up at every opportunity.  Or so they say.  

In fact, by truly exploiting the fracking revolution, we'd become the world's largest exporter of these self-same vital energy products, freeing much of the rest of the free world from the armlock Middle Eastern Arabs have had them in for decades.  Peace would break out world wide!  And with all this new energy production, and even a glut, oil would be only $10 or $15 a barrel, and the poor throughout our newly-enlarged nation would enjoy a much lower cost of living! And, there would be no more need for electric cars or solar panels or wind farms, which already cost too much to build and too much to operate. And no more eagles chopped to bits by windmills whipping around at 3,000 rpm's.  And no more giant container ships filled with oil just waiting to run aground and do another giant oil spill like the one that happened up there in Alaska.  What's not to like?

All this from a simple guy's plan to launch a preemptive assault on Meheeeeeeeko and take over the country.  

Whaddaya think, 'Murica?

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