Wednesday, November 23, 2016

A Paper Bag, Some Vowels and a Few Consonants...

Okay, enough politics for the time being.  Time to consider something else that caught my attention for a little in-depth review:

I don't know about you, but I have long wondered exactly where those football players we watch each weekend get their names.

I mean, people, hello!, some of their names are flat-out weird! Anthony and Michael and Thomas and Jeffrey seem just not good enough for some of today's mommies-to-be. They are just not satisfied with the conventional, reasonable, usual, ordinary and eminently respectable names that others consider quite alright.  They want something different!  So what dot they do?  Here's my thoughts on the matter...

I think they might just take a brown paper bag filled with vowels and consonants and some apostrophes and some hyphens with them to the maternity ward, shake it up at the appropriate moment, and then take those little pieces of paper out, one-at-a-time, until they are satisfied with the resultant name.

You doubt me?  Then where, exactly, could some of the following names have possibly come from?  Let's explore them together and just try and imagine...

     -  A'Shaun Robinson, Alabama
     -  DeForest Bunker, Oregon
     -  Beniquez Brown, Mississippi State
     -  Cre'von LeBlanc, Florida
     -  Lamarcus Brutus, Florida State (Etu, Lamarcus...)
     -  Jaquiski Tartt, 49ers
     -  De'Cody Fagg, Florida (No comment)
     -  Captain Mummerlyn, Vikings (his momma just couldn't wait for him to be promoted, I guess, so she just made him a "captain" right out of the box.  Ummm, so to speak)
     -  D'Quell Jackson, Colts (what's with all these hyphens?)
     -  LeCharles Bentley, Broncos (and what's with all these "Le's" and "De's" before the rest of the first name?)
     -  Anquon Bolden, Jacksonville
     -  Laquivonte Gonzolez, TX A and M
     -  Mister Alexander, Texas ("Just call me Mister")
     -  Ben-Jarvis Green-Ellis, Bengals
     -  Ras-I Dowling, Patriots (more hyphens!)
     -  Barkevious Mingo, Browns (sounds like the Bad Guy in a James Bond movie, doesn't he?)
     -  Yourhighness Morgan, Florida Atlantic (Yourhighness? Really?  An overactive sense of humor, I'm guessing.  Either that, or an over-inflated sense of self-worth)
     -  Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, Green Bay Packers (Ha Ha? That's funny!)
     -  Queryvon Hicks, Georgia
     -  Geronimo Allison, Illinois  (Count ten, then yell "Geronimo!" as you pull the ripcord)
     -  De'Primya Wilson, Mississippi State (more apostrophies!)
     -  Le'Raven Clark, Texas Tech (and still more.  And another "Le.")
     -  Halapouluvaati Vaitai, TCU (say that five times quickly)
     -  Jihad Ward, Oakland (Jihad?  Why not just name your kid "Terrorist Killer?")
     -  Owanmagbe Odighiziwa, UCLA ( Owan...what?)
     -  Hroniss Graser, U. of Oregon
     -  Christina Michael, Seahawks (Christina?  Really?  I'll bet this guy had to fight his way home from school every day!)
     -  Kponumwosa Igbinosun, Conn. State  (Real tongue-twister, that one)
     -  Knowshon Moreno, Broncos ("Knowshon, you get yo' butt in here ratt now!")
     -  SenDerrick Marks, Titans
     -  Ramses Barden (Ramses?  Did his mom work at a drug store?)
     -  Arreluous Benn, Broncos
     -  Chrondi Chekwa, Oakland
     -  Ndammukong Suh, Miami
     -  Latavious Murray, Oakland
     -  Kalechi Osemde, Oakland
     -  Craphonso Thorpe, Colts (Craphonso?  "Hey "Crap," cut the crap!")
     -  Lucious Pusey, E. Illinois U. (Lucious?  Pusey?  really? Couldn't someone have whispered to his mom that she might ought to rethink this name a bit before actually burdening her brand-new baby boy with it?  Or at least made sure she spelled it correctly?  
     -  Dabrickashaw Ferguson, Jets (Dabrickashaw?  That's not even close to any other name!)

And, my personal favorite:

     -  John Christian Ka'iminoeanloameka'ikeokekumupa'a Fairbairn, UCLA (Something tells me this guy goes by a nickname...)    

Now then, there's plenty of other funny, strange, weird or just uber-unique names out there in NFL-land.  I could only cover a very few here for your reading pleasure. But having explored this subject in a bit of detail now, I have to opine that it's a damn good thing most of these guys are probably at least 6' 2" and weigh in at 225' or more. Otherwise, they probably never would have made it through childhood...

And oh, by the way, perhaps one of those "paper bag" mothers-to-be should consider "Le' Ha Ha Dabrickashaw Lucious" as the go-to given name for 2017...

UPDATE:  Lucious Pusey, having grown weary of the controversy over his name, and no doubt the snickering, had his name changed to "Seymour."  That would be "Lucious Seymour Pusey.  Can't make this stuff up...

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