Sunday, January 10, 2016
I'm Pleased to Announce I Now Know Everything. (Part One)
I'm here to announce, right now, to everyone, everywhere, throughout Internetland, and the Milky Way Galaxy, and the Universe, that I, your humble correspondent, The Chuckmeister, the guy who delves deep to uncover all the news that's prit to fint, now knows everything.
Yes, my friends, and you are my friends, I now know everything.
I've lived Three Score and Ten...and some more. And, with the help of several excellent teachers in grade school, and middle school, and high school, and over a period of nearly ten years of college (I was too busy shooting pool professionally, for money, to apply myself, like, full time, plus there was some U. S. Army in there), I've learned all there is to know. Now, to tweak that a bit, not everything there really is to know, but everything I actually want to know. And that's a whole boatload of stuff.
To be sure, I was a really terrible student throughout my entire formal educational career (formal? Ha! Career? Ha!). I did only enough to not get thrown out of school. And that's not saying much. As a fatter of mact, I've been forcibly ejected from four, count 'em, four institutions of higher learning. Tossed out like last week's garbage. I've said often to whomever would listen that I wouldn't have graduated from high school had a second cousin not been my typing teacher.
But since then I've developed a profound love of learning. Anything I could read, or watch, or hear, and inculcate, I did. And I have a phenomenal memory, except for loved ones' birthdays and anniversaries, of course. So over the past fifty years or so I've amassed a treasure-trove of data and opinions. And God knows, I'm more than willing to share both. To anyone. At anytime. And anywhere. Usually whether they want me to or not.
However, just as I now know everything I ever wanted to know, I've discovered something else: There's not a damn thing I can do with it, or about it. I'm neutered by age, and my health, and my infirmity, and my rather scant pocketbook. But not by my meticulously-maintained hair, or my fastidious dress, including the careful matching of shirt colors to socks, and belt color to shoes. Or my fantastical humor, or my unbelievable vocabulary, or my lovable teddy-bear personality.
No, my friends, there's just not a whole hell of lot I can do with my amazing knowledge and intellect except to try my best to influence friends and associates into to seeing things my way, or maybe type a few paragraphs into this, my unassuming and under-appreciated little blog, hoping that someone, somewhere, will say: "Oh yeah, that Chuckmeister guy is spot on!"
And so I've decided to share with you some of the wonderful things I've learned. And some not so wonderful. But all are absolutely factual. If I believe them, then they're true, whether they're true or not. But there's so many things I've learned, I have to present them to you in several parts. And so, without further ado, here goes Part Uno:
- I've learned that hair now grows where you don't want it to, and has pretty much stopped growing where it's supposed to.
- I've learned that the Murrieta-Temecula cities, located in Southwest Riverside County, Taxifornia, in which the Chuckmeister gratefully and happily lives, were once again ranked in the Top Ten of America's safest cities. Number One was once again Irvine, California. Irvine, as you may know, is populated only by Asians, and Asians don't commit crimes. Except for white collar crimes, which don't get reported much.
But Number Two is Murrieta, and Number Eight is Temecula. Two in the Top Ten of all of America's cities is pretty impressive, don't you think? And they're located smack up against each other. I'm of the opinion it's because these cities are filled to the brim with extremely conservative, God-fearing, 2nd Amendment-believing, NRA-joining, red-blooded 'Muricans. Everybody's armed and considered dangerous. Love to live here. Recommend it to all desirous of clean, well-managed cities with warm, friendly people. Oh, and there's 43 wineries here also. What's not to like?
- I've learned that the most dangerous place on this planet is between B. Hussein Obama and a TV camera. And that's true especially just after one of his Muslim buddies shoots up a school or a mall somewhere.
- I've learned that if Warren Buffett doesn't want the XL Keystone Pipeline built, it won't be built. And why wouldn't he want it built? Perhaps because his company, Berkshire Hathaway, owns the Burlington Northern and Santa Fe Railroad. And The BNSF has a contract to transport oil from the tar sands of Canada and our northern states south to the refineries in New Orleans. And that contract pays him $30 per barrel, for every barrel carried by his little choo choo train. Millions of them. But were the XL Keystone Pipeline to be built, it would cost only $10 per barrel to ship the oil south, thus turning the BNSF deal upside down. Hmmm. Maybe this is how you get to be a billionaire. And maybe the profit motive trumps climate conscientiousness. Hmmmm, again...
- I've learned that our Fearful Leader, B. Hussein Obama, only delivers speeches on days ending in "Y." And then only two or three times on each of those "Y" days.
- I've learned that our elected leaders, chief among them one Mr. B. Hussein Obama, have so decimated our military forces through funding gimmicks like Reconciliation (Google it), that we will be lucky to survive any threat. Budget cuts have left us with the smallest Navy since the day before Pearl Harbor (328 ships now vs. a high of 845 during Reagan's term), and the smallest Army since before World War Part Deux (winding down to just over 470,000 in uniform, from a high of more than 800,000). To that I say, "!" And we know from history that weakness invites aggression. Where is that "Peace Through Strength" thing that Reagan advocated? Kinda makes you wonder why, doesn't it?
- I've learned that flying commercial is a scary, messy, time-consuming, dangerous, insulting, wasteful, nasty, germ-laden and anger-producing exercise in futility. Whereas taking a commercial flight from point A to point B used to be pleasurable, relaxing and cost-effective, and populated by hot stewardess types, it has long ago lost that luster and is now just a lumbering Greyhound bus, filled with angry underpaid stiffs that works overtime to piss you off at 30,000 feet.
- I've learned that the value of a college education depends upon where it's been earned. And that if it's one of those pansy Ivy League blowhard dumbass liberal commie places, where you believe you shouldn't have to be subjected to words or phrases that offend your tender sensibilities, and where you absolutely have to have a "safe space" in which to brood, chances are that post-graduation you'll be asking one question more than all others: "Would you like fries with that?"
- I've learned that only 62.1% of our population over the age of 16 is working. That means that 37.9%, isn't, the very worst performance since Jimmuh "Peanuts" Carter was doing his very best to screw up America back in the 1970's. Drilling down on that number a bit means that 94,513,000 of us that should be working, aren't. That's a 38 year low. That also means a bit over one-third of our population is carrying the other two-thirds. Bad, but not disastrous. But when you subtract those under 16, and those who are retired, and those who are infirm, or non compis mentas (Google it if you don't understand Latin), and those who have stopped looking for work because our economy has been nearly destroyed by the socialist bozos who are running things into the ground back there in Foggy Bottom, we've now got one guy pulling the wagon and four guys riding in it. And that guy is getting very, very tired of hauling the other guys' asses around. And one day real soon he's going to stop pulling and get back there with the other dope-smoking, beer-swilling slackers and demand some of that "gimmie."
Put another way, 100,000,000 Americans are drawing some sort of means-tested assistance from the Federal Government. That means you and me. And then the only ones left working will be the Starbucks baristas and the sign twirlers. And that's true especially here in Taxifornia, where mental midgets are legislating and we adults are paying the price.
- I've learned that Donald J. Trump was manufactured by the Republican Party's failure to do what its voters hired it to do via the 2010 takeover of the House, and the 2014 sweep of the Senate. Republican candidates promised to go to D.C. and end Obamacare, defund the IRS, enforce immigration laws, gut the EPA, pump up the military and stop sending half a billion dollars every year to Planned Parenthood. They did none of those things and conservatives are Major League Pissed! Sooooo, Trump arrives on the scene, promising to finally do what should have been done years ago, and The People are all for it! And now, the "establishment" is really, really worried.
- I learned that no matter how hard you try, you'll never find the Statue of Limitations.
- I've learned that if your corporate tax rate is too high, as is America's (38.9% - highest in the world!), then companies will do whatever they need to do to avoid paying that exorbitant rate of taxation. Proof? Sure. Just recently Pfizer and Allergan, two pharmaceutical giants, agreed to merge. That merger would create a $160 Billion behemoth, the very largest drug corporation in the world. And, wait for it...the new company would be domiciled in Ireland. Yes, my friends, this "inversion," as it's called, would place the HQ of the new corp overseas so as to enjoy a new tax rate of between 17% and 18%, considerably lower than what they're paying today. Pfizer is on record as saying the new company's lower rates would save it $2,000,000,000 (that's Two Billion, with a "B") in just the first two years of the combined joint venture.
Think of it: You fail to lower the rate to a reasonable one, as Barry O'Blamo and his Dem buddies have done, and people and companies will take such steps as they see fit to avoid your unfair raid on their treasuries. And that's what they must do - in fact are required by law to do - to protect the interests of their shareholders. Right now there's more than two trillion dollars languishing overseas because its corporate owners won't bring it home, because if they did they'd have to pay taxes on it, after having already paid local taxes on it in the countries where it was earned! Wake up, Barry! Change the tax rates, or there won't be any more companies left in America.
By the way, go get a Whopper from your nearest Burger King. That (used-to-be) All-American Company is now domiciled in Canada...
- I've learned that President George W. Bush never left the White House until the day after Christmas. And President Barack Hussein Obama has never spent a Christmas in the White House. You can put forth various rationales as to why, exactly, each celebrated - or chose not to celebrate - that Holy Day where we require them to live, but the facts are the facts.
Well, my friends, that's enough for now. Don't want to overwhelm you with any more of my "learnings." By the way, did you know that to be overwhelmed you first have to be whelmed? No? Anyway, too much of that common sense stuff can cause your brain to melt. So, I'll just sign off now until a few days down the pike when I'll send another batch of "learnings" your way. And remember, it takes a heap of living to make a mouse a gnome...
Stay tuned. Part Uno is in the can. Part Deux will follow shortly...