Sunday, March 29, 2015
Elect The Chuckmeister POTUS!
Okay, folks. Here's the deal. I, like so many of you, am fed up with the way our so-called "leaders" are leading. Our beloved Country is in deep kimchee and is headed downward at a steep clip. We have gone from the Leader of the Free World to an international laughing stock. We have no foreign policy, except to "lead from behind," whatever the Hell that means. We have turned half of our population into dope-smoking laggards, supping at the public trough, knocking back Colt .45's and watching Jerry Springer reruns while awaiting the postperson to deliver their monthly welfare checks and food stamps. Mitt Romney was right. 47% of our population pays no taxes and has no interest in doing so. They are riding in the wagon the rest of us are pulling. We need to do something major, and right now!
I, the Chuckmeister, know how to start stuff, and run stuff, and make stuff work. I've been doing it all my adult life. I'm what some people call "a doer." There are those who sit back and watch other people make things happen. And then there are those who do the "happening." That group would, ahem, include me. And so, I, The Chuckmeister, have made a decision. I'm hereby announcing my intent to run for the President of the United States. And I shall henceforth lay out my platform for your perusal and edification. Elect me and I shall turn this Country around. Here goes...
- First, I shall immediately abolish the IRS and replace it with a simplified "flat tax" in which everybody, everybody, shall participate. Whether it's 10% of your income, or 12%, or 15%, it doesn't matter. I'll hire some experts to tell me the exact number that results in revenue neutral income stream. We're talking one side of a postcard here, folks. Simple to the max! Put H and R Block out of business! We, the U. S. of A., took in more than $4 Trillion Dollars in each of the past two years, an all-time record, and yet we managed to spend $500 Billion more than that in both years. Shocking! Shameful! The One Hundred and Ten Thousand IRS workers will be immediately furloughed. They can apply for unemployment, or welfare, or whatever. I don't care. They have been "weaponized" by our Vacationer-in-Chief and they need to be bitch-slapped into reality. No more gravy train. Hey tax collectors! To paraphrase Donald Trump, "you are fired!"
- Next, I'd finally, once-and-for-all, seal our southern border. I'd build a fence high enough that there's no ladders for sale anywhere that could scale it. So high, in fact, that small planes would have to work hard to fly over it. And I'd build it all across the 1,760 miles from San Diego to Brownsville, Texas. And I'd add enough Border Control Agents to adequately secure operations. Thousands. Tens of thousands! And don't tell me it would be too expensive. If we can blow tons of money training shrimp to run on a treadmill, or pay Big Money to learn why Chinese prostitutes tend to smoke too much, we can do this. Then we could have a nice little conversation about what we do with the 11, or 15 or 20 million illegal aliens who are here and have no intention of ever leaving. I personally prefer rounding them up and sending them back to Guadalajara, or Hermosillo, or Cuernavaca, or wherever. However, I'm realistic. Maybe that's impossible. But I'd like to find out what is possible, and then do it. Oh, yeah. Maybe the 110 thousand pink-slipped IRS agents would like to head on down to the border and link arms in an effort to finally, once and for all, make it impenetrable. Minimum wage for them all. Better than being unemployed, right?
- Third, and just before lunch on my first day in office, I'd issue an Executive Order nullifying every single Executive Order that our Golfer-in-Chief has issued during his seemingly endless term as POTUS. Every single one. There, that ought to do it!
- Fourth, just after lunch, a cheeseburger, medium-well, with a side of truffle fries and a nice, unassuming little Syrah, I'd eliminate a whole bunch of Federal agencies. I'd start with the Department of Energy. Jimmuh Carter created this monster back during the Oil Crisis days of the late 1970's so we'd never have another Oil Crisis. Now this behemoth employs 77,000 people who do God-knows-what, but they sure as Hell don't do anything to improve our energy situation.
- Next, the Department of Education. Hello! Education is a function of our 50 states. Has anyone in Foggy Bottom read the 10th Amendment? Every power not specifically granted to the Federal Government by the states, according to the Bill of Rights, is the province of the states, and the states alone. And education is nowhere to be found in the Constitution or the Bill of Rights. If a state wants to embrace Common Core, it can. Those who object will simply not utilize it. Simple, right? And all the money that the Feds charge the states to meddle in the states' business would be returned to the states. Makes sense, right?
Following this I'd eliminate the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives. Shouldn't that be a convenience store? Stop by for a bottle of Jack Daniels, a couple of packs of smokes, a new pistol and some ammo and a whole bunch of fireworks, and then head off to the camp grounds for a weekend away. Forget it. ATF and E is outtahere...
- Now we move along to the EPA. The Environmental Protection Agency is doing everything it can to screw us out of our ability to create enough home-grown energy so we don't have to import any more oil from those nasty goat-lovers who hate us and want us dead. I would follow this move with a National Fracking Program. I would frack here, and frack there, and frack everywhere! I would frack in San Fran Nan's back yard! We have more oil under out feet than any other country on Earth. Elect me and we'll be completely energy self-sufficient, finally, after 60 years of being subservient to the Saudis and Iran and Iraq and OPEC. The EPA would be allowed to continue, but with stringent new limitations that would protect you and me from legislative overreach. If they get out of hand again, I'll turn Trey Gowdy loose on them.
- Oh yeah. I'd sign the Keystone XL Pipeline into effect on my First Day. It would be safer, and cleaner, and quicker and cheaper than transporting oil by train or by truck. My approval would piss off Little Robbie Redford and the Oceans Foundation and the Sierra Club and billionaire Tom Steyer, and all those eco-weenie dumbasses but who gives a crap what they think? Certainly not The Chuckmeister.
Time for a nap.
- Now well rested, I'd eliminate the National Labor Relations Board. This is nothing but a bunch of commies who care only about the labor unions they work for and issue rulings that favor no one but those slimy bastards. Remember when our TelePrompTer-in-Chief appointed three members to this Board when the Senate was in recess, except for the fact that the Senate wasn't in recess? Yeah, well it then decided that Boeing couldn't build a new manufacturing plant in South Carolina. Huh? Since when does a Federal agency decide where, or when, or if a private company does anything? Completely unnecessary, useless, dangerous and foolish bunch of partisan hacks. Oh yeah, and then the Supreme Court ruled that Barry O'Bama violated his oath of office with this illegal appointment. Again. He seems to do that a lot. You're gone! Bu Bye!
- Okay, next I'd issue an Executive Order for National Concealed Carry Reciprocity. Those of us with a brain know that more guns equal less crime. So I'd wipe out bans on concealed carry by states like Taxifornia, and Connnneccticutt, or however you spell that commie state's name, and Maryland, and New Hersey, and cities like Chicago and San Francisco and the District of Columbia. There were 510,000 pistols sold in California in 2014. That's double the number sold in 2010. Did Armageddon ensue? Far from it. Our murder rate here in the once-Golden State is at a 20 year low. Proof once again that people want to be able to protect themselves, and can do so without the Gummint getting involved. Oh, and no more "Gun Free Zones." What a dumbass idea! If you're a crazed potential mass murderer, where ya' gonna' go? You're gonna' go where nobody's armed, right? You might be crazy but you're not stupid! The only stupid people are the ones who decided that potential killers read and obey signs! Every single mass shooting in the past 20 years has occurred in a gun free zone. Get rid of them! Remember, an armed society is a polite society. And, if only 5% of the ducks were armed, do you think anyone would go duck hunting?
Okay, that's a pretty full day. I'd then have a nice din-din, some after dinner cordials, maybe watch Fast and Furious 6 on my new 100" flat screen, provided by you, the taxpayer to my predecessor, Mr. Oblamo, and then get some sleep. In the Lincoln Bedroom, no less. And I wouldn't even have to pay for it, like they did to Billy Jeff "Blue Dress" Clinton. I mean, rank has its privileges, right?
- Okay, next morning I'd have a nice breakfast. Maybe some Eggs Florentine and hash browns and sourdough toast, with a little compote of seasonal berries. Then I'd issue an Executive Order abolishing the filibuster. We need laws passed without delay. No more Harry Reid and his minions preventing votes and the passage of laws. Remember, he's the guy that killed 233 years of Senate rules by adopting "Reconciliation," thus eliminating the need for 60 votes for cloture, so he could pass Obamacare. And we've been plagued by this stupid, wasteful, rediculous law ever since. What's good for the Democrat is good for the Republican, right?
- Second on Day Two's agenda will be to abolish all Federal rules regarding what little school children can eat. Moochie Oblamo has inserted her unelected self into your kids' lunch buckets and issued proclamations as to what they can eat. That's total insanity! Who the Hell is she to be telling us what our kids can eat? Oh, wait. Yeah, I get it. She's a Libbie. They just want to be left alone to live our lives. And God, she's doing her very best to do so. With the Chuckmeister as POTUS, and Mrs. Chuckmeister to keep him on the straight and narrow, you'll get no more interference into personal matters like this from D.C.
- Next, around 10:30 a.m., I'd fire John "Lurch" Kerry. I'd give him somebody else's military medals and point him to the Potomac so he could recreate his famous media circus back in the '70's when he tossed them into the murky river water back during the Viet Nam war. Oh, and I'd fire Josh Earnest, the professional liar who serves as the Press Secretary. And Marie Barf, the Defense Department spokesweenie, and Jen Psuckie, who makes a mockery of telling the truth as State Department Liar. Out!
- Then, I'd appoint Gary Sinise as our new Secretary of State. He loves the military and the guys and gals who keep us safe, has done more than almost anyone you can name to cheerlead for America, is smart and soft-spoken and admired by all. Plus, when things wind down a bit we could ask him to have his "Lt. Dan Band" entertain us at White House get-togethers. Since only Black entertainers have enjoyed the spotlight at W.H. functions for the past 6-plus years, it's time for another color. Any other color. Don't you agree?
- Now then, things are going well, so why stop now? I'd call in the Joint Chiefs of Staff of the Defense Department and let them know that I was giving them $500 Billion Dollars. Sequester, my ass! Take this cash and try to rebuild our military capability to what it was before Barry and his Sycophants started tearing it apart. Ships out of mothballs, furloughed generals called back from retirement, middle-rank enlisted personnel returned to active duty. Guns and tanks and rockets to their heart's content. Next, I'd appoint Chuck Norris as Secretary of Defense. He's the perfect guy for the job. Did you know he has a Bear rug on the floor in his house? The Bear's not dead. It's just afraid to get up and try and run away. Oh, and then I'd have Chuck send a telegram to Vladdy Putin; your crap now has great odor! Get you butt out of the Ukraine or I'm turning my boys loose on you!
Time for lunch. A nice piece of Atlantic Salmon, perfectly grilled on a cedar plank, some au gratin potatoes and a medley of garden veggies. Plus a nice Sauvignon Blanc, of course.
- Then, since we haven't had a Foreign Policy for years, except for "leading from behind," I'd unfurl my new Foreign Policy Program. It's called, "Nuke The Bastards!" We have nukes of all sizes. Large, medium, small and even the suitcase variety. We'll give the bad guys a warning. If they don't clean up their act and do things our way, we'll simply smoke thirty or forty thousand of them and turn a big chunk of the sandy desert over there into glass. We shouldn't have to do that more than once or twice. It should also get Putin's attention.
- Next, I'd issue an Executive Order terminating Obamacare. It was a bad idea passed by a bunch of Lefties who just want to be left alone to live our lives. I would replace it with: Portable insurance that employees own, and can take with them from job to job; insurance that can be bought across state lines, just like car insurance, dramatically increasing competition and significantly reducing prices; Federal subsidies for those who need them, but only if they qualify; and expanded Medicare for all the remaining uninsured, including ex-military, instead of the Veterans Administration hospitals and clinics. Our second largest budget line item is the V.A., and there's no reason we need it. We'll simply make sure we have the capability in the private sector to take care of PTSD and battle wounds and any other military-specific ailments, and we can improve the level of care and save billions! Imagine what we could get for the 187 V.A. hospitals if put on the auction block.
Oh, by the way, I spent 40 years in the medical field, wore the uniform of the United States and am a veteran, so, for a change, I actually know what I'm talking about.
- Late in the afternoon of Day Two I'd issue an Executive Order eliminating all Federal funding for any and all institutions of higher learning that advocate for Global Warming, or Climate Change, or Climate Chaos, or whatever-the-Hell-they're-calling-it today. It's nothing but a Multi-Billion dollar scam. This whole "Sky Is Falling" crap is nothing but a Liberal wet dream designed to take your tax money and give it to those who want to control your lives. Here's the bottom line: We breathe out CO2, plants take up CO2 and give off oxygen. What's not to understand? No more funding for this nonsense!
- Along toward late afternoon of Day Two I would issue an Executive Order proclaiming Israel and its Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu as our True Friend for Life. I would stop all this Israel bashing and give them whatever they need to fend off the incessant rocket fire and terrorism from the Jordanian refugees who loudly call themselves "Palestinians," which never existed. Barry hates Israel and Bibi. That's okay. I feel the same way about him.
- Lastly, I will promise not to speak to you, my constituency, unless I actually have something important to say. We've been subjected to Major Policy Addresses of the Morning, Afternoon and Evening for the past six-plus years by our Blabbermouth-in-Chief. We have a POTUS who seems to believe that giving a speech is the same thing as doing something. You might not see my smiling face for weeks. And that's good. Get on with your lives. Work. Make money. Pay no attention to Government until absolutely necessary. That's the way it ought to be.
That's my first two days as POTUS. Busy schedule, yes, but I can handle it. Because I am The Chuckmeister! Imagine what I could do in the first month. In the first year! In a full term! I will lower the unemployment rate, dramatically improve race relations, end the conflicts in the Middle East, stop the Feds' incessant meddling in private businesses, lower taxes, reduce our Debt and improve everybody's sense of well-being.
And so, my friends, and you are my friends, I humbly ask for your vote. And, if you have some spare change laying around, send it along so I can buy some commercials and print up some banners and posters we can wave at our rallies. You make the choice as to who will be running things after January 20, 2017. Do you want the Hilldebeest, or somebody who has actually started companies and hired people and made a payroll and made decisions and struggled against the tyranny of out-of-control Government?
The Chuckmeister is available and awaiting your command...