Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Things we ought to have, but don't...

Despite what some might believe to be an overwhelming assortment of complete crap available for sale to us, the gullible Americans, most of which is made in the Peoples' Republic of China, or maybe the Almost-Peoples' Republic of Bangladesh, but certainly not in the Damned-if-it's-not-the-Peoples' Republic of San Francisco, where nothing's made but more little commies, I think there's a whole lot more stuff we could have, but don't.  

A list?  Sure.  Glad you asked.  Here goes...

1.  I believe what we need is a DVD of Secretary of State John (Lurch) Kerry's speeches.  Then, we could just play them on a continuous loop when we go to bed.  Can you think of a better somnifascient (that would be a sleep-inducer, to those of you from El Centro)?  And, if you call in the next 6 minutes, you could get TWO such DVDs, and give the other one to that complete ass at the office who you just despise.  Just pay extra shipping and processing, of course. 

2.  We  could have good (and paid) Samaritans who wander around offering to help people take "selfies" for a small fee.  It's hard to take a selfie by yourself.  That's because you only have two hands.  And you need one to hold the camera phone, one to squeeze your significant other (man, woman, gay, lesbian, transgender, nice person of confused sexuality, dwarf, albino or any other carbon-based life form not yet included in the aforementioned groupings) and one to hold your brewski.  With a little help from a friend, you could take selfies the envy of all your other friends who don't have selfie-taking friends.  Or three hands.  After all, Barry "The Selfie-Taker-in-Chief" Obama's got one.  Why not you?

3.  I think we ought to make it a law that everyone, everyone, read the Bill of Rights.  Then perhaps they would understand that they come as a set of ten, not a "pick and choose" to meet your delicate, prissy, wussie, scardycat, pantywaist predilections.  And if we do, then no more will the "Progressives" among us try to excise the 1st, 2nd, 4th, 5th and sometimes 10th Amendments.  

4.  I think we ought to have the United Nations relocated to the Left Bank of the Seine.  That's a river, deep in downtown Paris.  That's in France, for those who don't travel much. Then, all the commie pinko weirdo lefty socialist Marxist dictators who populate Our World and always, always vote against us at the U.N., could get together over a tiny little overpriced cup of espresso and some escargot on toast points and decide how to screw America.

Remember, kiddies, that we, the U.S. of A., pay no less than 30% of the total operating budget of the U.N.  And they, mostly dictatorships that hate you and me, spend all day long trying to hose us.  Up theirs, I say.  This is but one small way to pass that message along.

5.  How about a healthcare plan that's simple, affordable, understandable and available.  And that's certainly not what we have with "Obamacare."  Here's the recipe:  

1)  State-run and -funded medical colleges puking out newly-minted doctors and physicians' assistants every year, who agree to work in community-level health clinics for ten years at reduced rates of pay, in exchange for their educations, making emergency care available to the poor and disadvantaged without bankrupting hospitals;  

2)  Health insurance sold across state lines, just like car insurance, and home insurance, thus heightening competition, and with it, dramatic cost reductions;  

3)  "Portable" health insurance, enabling working folks to take their plan with them when they change jobs; 

and 4)  the Feds expanding Medicaid/Cal to the poor and disadvantaged uninsured without disturbing the health insurance of the 85% of Americans covered by their employers.  

This simple approach would solve the uninsured problem.  However, it would not solve the Democrats' need to control each and every aspect of our puny, worthless proletariat lives, which they've gone a long way toward achieving with Obamacare.  I predict they will not look kindly on any effort to relax their grip on our healthcare...or, our lives.

6.  It seems that everyone wants to drop some excess l.b.s and stop smoking.  So, what we ought to have is the Chuckmeister Weight loss and Smoking Cessation Program.  Here's how it will work:  Show up at my house by 8:00 a.m. on a Monday morning.  I lock you in the closet.  I shovel some bread and water to you a couple of times a day.  That's it. Nothing else.  You get sprung Friday afternoon at 5:00 p.m.   I guarantee, absolutely guarantee, you'll lose weight and stop smoking.  Anyone interested, give me a call.  Price is negotiable depending upon your political party affiliation and ability to pay (we're into income equality, don't you know).  If your name is Pelosi, or Reid, or Biden, the price will be quite large.

7.  I'd say we ought to have an honest Fourth Estate.  You know, the so-called "Mainstream Media."  That's the folks who are accorded special consideration by our Constitution, enabling them to skirt certain laws in order to bring us, the American people, the truth!   We need to know what's really going on so we can elect, or re-elect, the politicians who will properly represent us.  But when we have sycophantic lefty communist journo-weenies spewing crap 24-7 and intentionally avoiding certain reportage in an effort to protect their favorite politician, you know who he is, and all his buddies, such as is the reality today, we are left with the barbarians at the gate.  

8.  I think we ought to have a new tax.  Yes, believe it or not, the anti-tax-of-any-kind Chuckmeister is advocating another, and new, tax.  I'd like to tax everyone who "tweets" a nickel per tweet.  Think of it.  Millions and millions of tweets per day from people who actually think that someone, somewhere gives a damn about what they think, 140 characters at a time no less, to people who actually don't give a damn about what they read.  And, the money should go to the "Wounded Warrior Project" so that we can end, once and for all, those three minute TV commercials displaying kids with chrome legs and begging for cash that our Government should already have provided.  Shameful.  And if there's anything left over, send it to the nearest VA hospital so they can offer some really excellent healthcare to those who have placed their lives at risk to save ours.  It's time for a new approach.  And time for ignoring our heroes to end.  Tweet your ass off, and the money goes to fix our broken system. What's not to like?

9.  I'd like to see our youth be required to serve two years post-high school in the service of our Country.  The military is my preference, any branch, but the Youth Corps (or "corpsss," as Mr. Oblamo likes to call it) or the Peace Corps(sss) would be fine. It matters not.  Just serve.  

Why?  We puke out high school graduates that cannot write or read sufficiently, and are not ready to head off to man- or womanhood.  It's a rare 18 year-old that's ready for college. And especially when college costs as much as a house, it's a good idea, I say, to make sure they are prepared and ready to exact the maximum advantage from that enormous, monumental investment.  Israel requires this.  And The Netherlands.  So does Switzerland.  There may be other countries, but I know these do for sure.  And then their countries pay for college for those who have completed their service.  I say that's a good investment and a good trade. What do you think?

10.  I think we ought to have the "Obama Channel."  Then, instead of seeing Barry Obama's condescending, oafish, scolding, smirking, completely unqualified face every time you turn on the telly, you could view without fear of being accidentally subjected to a daily dose of Oblamo.  

It seems that every time I turn on the TV there he is; Mr. Community-Organizer-in-Chief pontificating on one subject or another, giving his Major Policy Address of the Morning/ Afternoon/ Evening/Weekend.  I'm pretty sure that he believes that giving a speech is the same thing as actually doing something.  Like, here's what I think, now everybody do it while I head off to the golf course.  For those poor souls who get off on watching Barry waste their time, they'd have a channel to turn to.  For the rest of us, peace and quiet.  Not working, Barry.  Get off my TV.  Thanks.

11.  I'd like to see our First Lady stop telling us what to eat and how and when to exercise.  I'd suggest she get back to doing the things than an unelected spouse of whomever happens to be infecting my White House is supposed to do. That would include hosting little cocktail parties, showing up for State Dinners dressed-to-the-nines, and decorating the Holiday Tree (used to be Christmas Tree, but that's now politically infriggingcorrect).  Other than that, I don't give a whit about her opinion on any subject, nor will I take it.  In fact, I'd really like to know that I'll never have to see her "For the first time in my life I'm proud to be an American" face again.  

By the way, her Illinois law license was revoked.  So was Barry's.  Does anyone know why?  Of course you don't.

12.  I'd really like to not know the political persuasion of today's movie stars.  And recording artists.  And famous people of all color and stripe.  Even those who are only famous for being famous.  Like the Kardashians, for instance. I'd really prefer them to perform, to do their thing, without involving me in their lives any further.  I think I developed this preference when Ms. "Pretty Woman," whose name I've sworn to never again utter, commented for one of those magazines you're forced to see when checking out at the drug store.  She said, "I think Republican is in the dictionary right between reptile and reprehensible."  How nice. And since then, I've managed to never, ever spend another dollar to watch anything she's done.  Or said.  In fact, I've developed a complete list of all the famous people who choose to spew their political views, whether right or left.  I'd guess that about half of all famous people are on that list.  And I'd guess I've saved about $34,800 by not going to their movies or buying their songs.  I'd suggest you do the same. 

By the way, with that amount I could afford to attend one of Mr. Oblamo's little Dinner Party Fundraisers for the Stars.  Or not.

On second thought, keep spewing your tripe.  And I'll keep saving.  Oh, and by the way, please don't tell me about your bedroom preferences either.  If you're gay, keep it to yourself. Michael Sam insured I'll never watch the St. Louie Rams ever again when he kissed his boyfriend upon being drafted by them in the 98th round, or something.  Congratulations, Mr. Sam, but get a room. 

13.  I'd like to see a return to citizen legislators such as we enjoyed as a country back in the days of our Founding Fathers.  Then, citizen patriots such as Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and even George Washington left their family farms, or their job as a blacksmith, or running a general store and headed off to the new Washington, D.C.  There, they spent a couple of years trying to help form and manage our New Republic.  Then they returned home where they truly belonged. 

Now, we have career congresspeople who have two jobs; get elected, and then get reelected.  They spend decades on the public dole, sucking out bennies from you and me, the taxpayers.  They stop working for The People and start working for themselves the minute they get off the plane at Reagan National.  And they lose contact with the peoples' wills and wants.  Thus, they become little more than pigs feeding at the public trough.  Go home, you slugs.  Go home, and leave us alone.  

There.  I've said it.  These are the things we need but don't have.  Maybe somebody out there in Internet Land will decide to make one or more of these bucket list dreams of mine come true.  In fact, maybe you have one of your own.  If so, send it along as a comment and we can expand my list ever further. Until then, have a great summer...

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