Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Climate (Fill In The Blank)

Global warming.  Climate change.  Climate disruption.  What's next?  I'm guessing there's a whole bunch of liberal weenies in the festering bowels of the White House sitting around, trying to come up with a new, and better, term for anthropogenic (man made) destruction taking place in our atmosphere.  That's because the old terms just haven't caught on with the proletariat.  

That's right.  They - we - just don't seem to get it.  The World Is Coming To An End and the sheeple frankly don't give a damn.  And when the sheeple don't give a damn, it's really, really hard to tax them into the Stone Age in an effort to correct it.  And that, my friends, is where the rubber meets the road; come up with a new and better way to hypmotize people into giving up even more of their hard-earned dollars, and freedoms, so those nice liberal socialist commie pinko dumbass weenies can use them to save our puny, unimportant, and unappreciative lives. 

Oh, I know, we're told over and over that 97% of all climate scientists agree 110% of the time that we're deep in the midst of Global (fill in the blank) doodoo.  We're told it's getting set to ruin our lives.  To burn us alive in a cataclysmic roasting!  To raise our temperature to the point where the ice caps will melt, the oceans will rise 8 - 10 - even 20 feet, inundating Miami and L.A., and causing the crops to wither on the vines.  97%!  Do you believe that crap?

Turns out you shouldn't.  The 97% figure so oft repeated by our very own Insurance-Salesman-in-Chief came from a study performed some years ago by the University of Queensland, Australia.  And then it turns out that UQ now disavows that percentage as being, ummm, a bit shall we say, overinflated.  Just a bit.  Actually, as was reported on May 19th, it seems that the more accurate number of those buying into this witchcraft is 0.03%.  Yes, less than 1%!  But hey, what's a little bit of exaggeration among friends, anyway?  

Oh, and you should also know that the Aussies just trimmed (slashed?) their global warming abatement budget by a full 90%.  90%!  One wonders why they stopped there. Why not 100%?  If there's no global warming, why spend a farthing on it?

Well, my friends, and you are my friends, let's just, for the sake of getting along, agree that 97% of all climate scientists agree that Global (fill in the blank) is already upon us.  Okay. But has anyone bothered to mention that 97% of all climate scientists work at, or in, the halls of academy?  In the universities and colleges around the world?  In the Government bureaus where they're paid, and paid well?  At the United Nations Intergovernmental Climate Science Bureau?  Places where the only way they can continue to draw a fat paycheck and funding for their ever-so-important climate studies is if they parrot the words and phrases that those who are writing the checks are demanding?  And those writing the checks - and want to write more - are the Gummint thieves who have taken our money and are busy redistributing it to the scientists?  

Yet, it appears, that the other 3% (or, more likely, several times that number) don't agree; they think the whole thing is so much balderdash and are not hesitant to say so.  That's because they aren't Gummint employees, or college or university professors, or members of the Dinosaur Media, or UN paid liers and don't need to lie in order to eat.  That would, by the way, include the founder and CEO of the Weather Channel.  He doesn't think that Global (fill in the blank) is happening. And many, many, many other non-sycophants agree.  That includes many, if not most, of the weather meteorologist-types appearing nightly on your local TV.  That includes long-time weather guy and "Wheel of Fortune" host Pat Sajac.  He just offered up on Twitter a nifty little comment:  "Global warming alarmists are unpatriotic racists."  Fun guy, that Pat.  Google it.  And get educated.

These nice folks are aware that there was smog in the Los Angeles Valley 500 years ago. That's when American Indians were burning wood in their campfires (for shame!) and causing soot and ash to accumulate in the Valley, which, by the way, is surrounded by mountains.  That's what happens when there's an onshore breeze, which here in the once-Golden State is just about all of the time.  It seems the breezes push all the nasties in the air up against the mountains, creating both smoke and fog (that would be "smog" to you non-L.A.-types). And they are aware that what's burning in China and India today will be in our atmosphere in a week. The loonies who spout the company line apparently think there's a 60,000 foot tall Plexiglas wall surrounding America, keeping out the crap coming over from Asia and India and Europe.  They give us humans much more credit than we deserve in terms of our ability to change the climate.  They realize that CO2 is at an all-time high in our atmosphere but the temperature hasn't altered more than 1/2 degree in the past 50 years. And it won't.  

Remember when Al Gore, that paragon of human carbon-spewing, told us that the ice caps would be gone by 2013?  Ummm, he was wrong.  He's been wrong on just about everything his whole life , including the fact that if he'd won his home state, Tennessee, in the 2000 election, he'd have been our president instead of W.  What a shame.  What an idiot!

By the by, Al, the ice caps have expanded by more than 50% over the past couple of years. The Polar Bears couldn't be happier.  A fun-loving group, them.

By the way, have you seen that picture of a Polar Bear perched on an ice floe, looking forlorn and prepping to drown?  If so, you should know that Polar Bears can swim more than 60 miles looking for a stray seal to munch on.  Sixty miles!  Don't feel sorry for Polar Bears.  They're doing just fine, thank you.  

And, by the way, a no doubt fine gentleman named Laurent Fabius, Secretary of State of France, just opined on May 14th that we, the human race, have only 500 days to avoid what he calls "...climate chaos."  500 days.  He said that to our Secretary of State Mr. John "Lurch" Kerry, who totally agrees with him.  Well, I used to live in France and I can tell you that you couldn't do better than to disagree with any of them just about all of the time. Have you ever seen a picture of a French war hero?  That's the guy with his fingers folded together neatly on top of his head.  Did you read the "for sale" ad for a French military rifle? "Only dropped once," it said.

Oh, and I'd be remiss if I didn't mention what our very own Governor, Jerry Brown, had to say on the subject just this past week.  After first stating emphatically that our recent brush fires are due not to drought, or arson, but to "global warming."  What a dweeb!  He also commented about the same story I just mentioned about that cheese-eating surrender monkey's comments.  He got really exercised about the ice caps melting and the oceans rising 20 feet.  He called a press conference and stated, somewhat breathlessly, that we - Californians - would have to immediately raise taxes so we could pay to quickly relocate LAX Airport.  Just then his Press Secretary tugged on his gubernatorial sleeve and whispered in his ear that LAX is at an elevation of 100 feet above sea level.  "Never mind," said Brown.  The last I heard he was auditioning for a part in "Dumb and Dumberer Three."

So, here's the bottom line.  Yes, we have Global Warming, or Climate Change, or Climate Disruption, or even Climate Chaos.  Or something.  It's called...


But, my friends, I want to help.  And these dufusses need that help.  So I've reached deep down in an effort to help come us with some new and even better catch phrases to help scare the piss out of you, our friendly sheeple.  So how about these:

Global Kerfuffle
Climate Unpleasantness
Global Temperature Irregularity
Climate Difficulty
Global Houston, we've got a problem!
Climate Theicebeameltin

Or, we could get really serious and come up with some much more pointed names:

Climate Shitbehappeninnow!
Global Gonnabehot!
Climate Whoopsie!
Global Getunderthebed!
Climate Hidethekids!
Climate Ibecrappinmypants!
Global Coalbadwindgood!

So, keep your hands on your wallet.  Obama and his sycophantic Lib friends want to tax you until you drop, all in the name of keeping you from turning a bright red.  He's lying. They're lying.  I'm waiting for a knock at the door from the NSA, the SWAT teams, the Secret Service, the FBI and the EPA.  That's because I'm a climate denier!  I'm pretty sure they won't let me get away with actually telling you the truth...


The Chuckmeister welcomes comments. After I check them out, of course. Comment away!