Assault Knives! Shelter in Place!

BREAKING NEWS:  Teenager assaults up to 22 fellow students at Murrysville, Pennsylvania high school.

With a knife.  Two knives, actually.

Okay, friends, got it now?  You can attack anyone with anything.  A gun, a knife, a Louisville Slugger, a chair, a garden tractor, even an empty soda bottle.  How about a #2 Ticonderoga wooden pencil?  Sharpened, of course.  The Screeching Progressive Weenies want to ban guns, because guns can be used in assaults.  They call them "assault weapons."  

Yeah, okay, so they're "assault weapons," because they were used in an assault.  But let's be consistent here, Larry.  If guns used in assaults are "assault weapons," then knives used in assaults are "assault weapons."  And if we should ban "assault weapon" guns, then let's also ban "assault weapon" knives.  And chairs.  And garden tractors.  Got it?

Oh, I know that recommending this won't go far with the commie pinko socialist dumbass liberal weenies.  They are fixated on taking our guns so we can't defend ourselves...from them. They don't care about knives.  They're scared only by guns.  Evil guns!  Big, black, scary, military-looking AR-15-type guns!  And they want those guns banned!  And semi-automatic weapons of all kinds!  Because you can "spray bullets all over the place," as Senator Dianne Feinstein once said.  

Ummm, no, Lady Di.  You can't actually do that.  You see, the "spray everywhere" automatic guns were banned back in the 1930's because Alfonse Capone used them so successfully to thin the ranks of the Chicago police.  They were the fully-automatic weapons that you seem to think everyone has loads of, displaying your abject and total, elite, big-city, limo-liberal ignorance to anyone who might care.  

By the way, Lady Di, these so-called "assault weapons" are Modern American Firearms.  They are the default choice for hunting, target shooting and self-defense.  There are literally millions of them in use in America today and they are not going away.

But I don't want to confuse you with the facts.  Facts won't work here.  Feelings are what's important to Progressives, right?  And they "feel" that guns have no place in the hands of ordinary, stupid people, like you and me. People who can't be trusted to know what to eat, what to drive, what to wear, what kind of health insurance to acquire, or not acquire, etc., etc. They need the help of the Government to live a fruitful, productive life.  And only the Government can do that.

So this deranged kid goes from classroom to classroom, slashing kids left and right, for a thirty minute period.  I guess knives don't make as much noise as guns.  Otherwise, somebody would have noticed that kids were bleeding like water fountains.  But one thing is patently obvious, even to commie liberal weenies:  

Had there been a teacher with a concealed weapon, or an off-duty-but-armed cop, this kid would have been dropped like a bad habit long before his body count reached anywhere near 22.

But, thanks to arcane, onerous, unnecessary, punitive, rediculous gun laws, no armed teacher was available.  And so this deranged kid tried to kill his classmates.  And the so-called Mainstream Media reported 24-7 that knives need to be outlawed, right?

Ummm, no, they didn't.

The Dinosaur Media ignored the elephant-in-the-room fact; knives were responsible for this senseless act of violence. You see, there's no anti-knife, knife-control lobby in operation. There's no Little Mikey Bloomberg giving millions in an effort to outlaw knives.  There's no Brady Campaign to take knives off the streets and out of the hands of citizens.  There's no Barry Obama in his Major Policy Speech of the Morning blathering non-stop like a two-stroke boat motor that knives should be removed from the hands of the proletariat.   Or an orchestrated effort to institute a National Background Check system to insure that only the "right" people can buy "assault knives." 

Yet.

In summation, my friends, you might think I'm waaaay off base by suggesting that there will be an effort to outlaw knives. You should know that famous shouty chef Gordon Ramsey was called to testify in the House of Commons in Merry Old England a few weeks ago.  He was imploring his fellow Brits to abandon their effort to outlaw all knives over 4" in length in the United Kingdom!  

You see, there had been a mass-knifing in the U.K. that left several loyal Brits completely and totally dead.  And, after having outlawed all guns many years ago, there was really nothing left for them to do but outlaw knives.  I wonder what's next?  Louisville Sluggers?  Chairs?  Empty soda bottles? Number 2 Ticonderogas (sharpened, of course) ?

When Political Correctness takes charge, there's no telling where it will wind up.  And friends, it has taken charge...