Sunday, March 9, 2014

"Gunfight," Part Deux

I'm pleased to report that there were many, many positive comments from throughout the known Internet-verse to my recent posting, "Gunfight at the NoK Corral."

Apparently, there are those of you who can read English, understand that the Bill of Rights comes only as a Set of Ten, were raised by parents and not wolves, believe that it's quite okay to work for a living and don't think it's your neighbor's obligation to keep you in food, clothing, shelter and birth control pills (Sandra Fluke, are you listening?).

Congratulations to the both of you.

(Actually, that was a little joke.  Heh, heh.)

However, there were a few who did not appreciate my scholarly review of the available literature on the subject. 

Despite my invitation to refute my facts with facts of their own, they piped right up, choosing to vilify me, your humble servant, instead.  The Philistines!  They actually believe (cough, cough) that "Assault Rifles," whatever the Hell they are, kill just scads of people.  SCADS!  They believe those scary black guns should be banished.  Banished, do you hear me? 

The poor, misguided souls.

Yes friends, I know you send your best wishes along to them as they attempt to lift themselves from the depths of disillusionment and join the ranks of the learned.  Perhaps extended rehab would help.  And, having some time on my hands, I've made it my mission in life to help them in that process.  Don't thank me.  That's why God put me here.

So here goes...

Astonishingly, some folks just believe that guns are inherently bad.  They just don't want to believe that guns are tools, like a garden rake, a Louisville Slugger or a pickup truck.  No, they'd prefer to believe that guns come equipped with the sound track to "The Sopranos," looking hither, thither and yon for bullets to load themselves with and somebody to shoot.  They want to believe that if we'd just eliminate guns, then nobody would die.  Well, you poor schlubs, here are the latest statistics for you to try and wrap your addled heads around.  And, I'm    typing    as    slowly    as    I    can    so    you    will    understand.  Ready?  Cue the music...


            Murders with Rifles:   Murders with hammers/clubs:

2005:               445                                   605
2006:               438                                   618
2011:               323                                   496

Surprised?  I thought you'd be.

Another interesting little factoid:  According to the FBI, more people are killed each year by hands and fists than are killed by murderers using rifles.  Who woulda' thunk it?

Kinda' hard to outlaw hands and fists, isn't it?  But that doesn't mean Obama/Holder/Feinstein/Bloomberg won't try.

And as of this writing, a gang of ten Chinese thugs just finished murdering 29 and injured 150 or more at a train station in Shanghai.  With knives.  Knives!  Shall we go to school on this massacre and institute a massive new, full-bore, all-out program to outlaw knives?  

Maybe we should simply declare that this massacre was caused by "Assault Knives."  We could get the Brady Campaign involved, ask Mikey Bloomberg for some spare cash to mount an anti-knife PR campaign, then do a modified "Fast and Furious" deal and ship some assault knives to cartel members south of El Frontera hoping one might wind up at an American crime scene.  Ludicrous?  Thank you. 

Actually, you might like to know that your doctor is far more likely to kill you than any gun.  According to Mike Adams, Editor of "," 19,766 of the total 31,940 gun deaths in 2011 were suicides.  So the actual number of deaths resulting from some errant soul blasting a hole in you on purpose or by accident was a grand total of 12,174!

Doctors, on the other hand, kill an average of 783,936 people a year, which is 64 times higher than that gun death number above.  Your family doctor, if you still have one (unlikely, right Obama?), doesn't shoot you with bullets.  They shoot you with chemo, vaccinations and prescribed drugs.  Waaaaay more deadly than guns.

Let's do the math.  There are 700,000 doctors in America, minus the ones who just retired because of Obamacare while I was writing this, versus the 100,000,000 gun owners in our fine Country.  The Big Question is how do 700,000 doctors manage to kill nearly 800,000 people, more than one per physician, when 100 Million gun owners only manage to kill a bit more than 12,000? 

I would surmise, my dear friends, that owning a gun is monumentally safer than practicing medicine, or even being near anyone who does!   Does a doctor live on your block?  Go immediately into the basement and cover yourself up with grandma's comforter.

Oh, and in closing, I'd like to shoot (sorry) some statistics your way.  According to that august publication, "the Economist," your chance of dying by a firearm assault is one in 25,000.  You are far more likely to die by "intentional self-harm," an accidental injury or a heart attack.  Phillip Seymour Hoffman could have learned something from that last statistic. 

And the good news?  You are far more likely to be killed while walking, choking or falling down the stairs than by a gunshot.  The author didn't compute the odds against dying by a gunshot while choking and falling down the stairs. 

Actually, due to that choking thing, I'm guessing a toasty hot cruller is far more dangerous than a .357 Magnum.

You are "least likely" to be killed by an asteroid impact (74,817,414 to 1), fireworks, (50,729,141 to 1) or a bee sting (25,364,571 to 1). 

So, my liberal, illogical, singularly-focused gun-hating friends, I would end this little posting with the following admonition:  Go to a nearby gun range with a buddy who knows how to handle a weapon.  There are lots of them out there, even in this, the once-Golden State.  Learn a few safety tips and then dig right in.  Enjoy the pure pleasure of punching some holes in paper targets.  Regale in the freedom to exercise one of your God-given Rights.  Hear the rhythmic "pop, pop" of your weapon.  Enjoy the smell of burning power.  Finally understand that old saying, "God made men and women, Sam Colt made them equal."  And then go home and right down on a piece of paper 500 times:

                       I will never be stupid again. 
                       I will never be stupid again. 
                       I will never be stupid again.  
                       Etc., etc., etc.

Oh, and let me close with a quote from a guy who's name you might recognize:  

"A free people ought not only to be armed and disciplined, but they should have sufficient arms and ammunition to maintain a status of independence from anyone who might attempt to abuse them, which would include their government."

                              George Washington,
                              Founding Father, First President

I'm assuming you've heard of him.  I hope I haven't overestimated you.

Am I at all certain that this last little bit of additional logic will sway the truly fanatical, glassy-eyed, vacuous, lockstep, pro gun-control minority?  Ummm, no. 


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