Wednesday, January 8, 2014
2014 Chuckmeister's Predictions
The tens of you who follow the Chuckmeister's annual predictions know that I usually post them in early December. This year was different.
I spent most of this year moving into "Fortress Chuckmeister," my new Southern California digs. After insuring my complete independence from local utilities, including the installation of a huge solar array capable of lighting a small city, I spent the end of 2013 using my trusty WW2 entrenching tool, which I purchased for a whopping $5.98 at the local Army and Navy store, digging a moat completely around my expansive acreage (expansive translates to nearly an acre!).
Yes, my friends, everyone needs a moat cum drawbridge, filled with water and with crocodiles, of course (they haven't hatched yet!), to insure that the zombies will run into some serious resistance when they finally choose to attack.
Zombies attacking, you ask? Yes, children, when the Chinese finally grow tired of feeding our nations' habit of spending much, much more than it takes in by buying our debt, we'll no longer be able to afford to send along those nifty SNAP cards, and welfare checks, and aid to families with dependent children, and all the other payments to those who refuse to work. And then those who no longer find money in their mailboxes will turn into zombies and begin to look for it elsewhere.
And that "elsewhere" will be in your house or mine. Except mine will be a hardened target. Turrets, parapets, guns, ammo, knives, crossbows, hot vats of oil ready to pour down upon interlopers' heads, etc. All the right stuff to ward off the bad guys. You've been warned.
Now that I've covered the "prepping," I'll get back to my no doubt eagerly-awaited predictions. Sit down, grab a glass of good Temecula Zin and enjoy!
- Barack Hussein Obama will finally grow tired of dealing with all those Troglodytes in the House of Representatives, who disagree with him on most everything he attempts, and simply abolish that branch of Government.
He's been illegally and unconstitutionally circumventing them for several years now, so, the thinking will go, what's the harm in simply eradicating them? And, after sending all the Representatives home without dinner, he can tout all the new revenue flowing into the Treasury from renting out their offices to lobbyists!
Remember lobbyists? Those were the folks who the TelePrompTer-in-Chief promised would not have a presence in his administration. But hey, everybody makes promises they can't keep, right? Except in Oblamo's case. Every promise he makes, he can't...or won't...keep. So, renting out the offices is a good plan. Reducing the Federal debt is a positive thing, right?
- Miley Cyrus, sensing a diminution in media attention as 2014 wears on, will undergo a TET, or "Tongue Extension Treatment." Then, when she performs, she can stick her tongue out 4 1/2 feet, enabling her to lick the dust off her shoes while she's twerking her skinny arse up against some poor schlub.
- Al Gore and his sycophantic Global Warming followers, faced with new evidence that there is no Global Warming (DUH!, as this is written the temp in Chicago is colder than at the South Pole), will set fire to their Cadillac Escalades on the Capitol Mall in an effort to raise the Earth's temperature. No one will attempt to extinguish the flames (the Mall workers are all unionized!), leading to extensive pollution from the burning of plastic, leather, oil and gas being dumped into the atmosphere.
It will be reported that these certifiable lunatics will be dancing around the burning cars like a bunch of crazed Druids as the sun comes up. The so-called "Mainstream Media" won't cover it.
- Following the incessant bleatings from the Reverends-Without-Churches Al Sharpton and Jessuh Jackson, the newly-formed NAABP (National Association for the Advancement of Beige People), will agree by unanimous vote to declare that Black People are inherently superior. There. That ought to do it. We shouldn't have any further discussion about this whole race issue. Maybe then we can get on to something important. Jackson and Sharpton, having nothing further to do, will simply fold their tents and fade away into blessed nothingness.
- In an national survey to be conducted in the fall, 83% of physicians in America will have stated that they have taken a second job in order to be able to pay their office expenses. That will be due to the lowering of reimbursement rates afforded to physicians by Oblamocare. And, it will be reported, Canadians no longer have a place to go for their health care. They will be dying like flies before 2014 ends. And what, I ask euphemistically, does Mr. Oblamo have against Canadians?
- Thanks to California's Governor, Jerry Brown, the only guy who will likely live his entire life without ever having had a real, honest, paying job, an illegal immigrant, one Sergio Garcia, was just granted the right to practice law in California. And we know that illegals, for whatever illogical reason, can now be issued drivers' licenses in the once Golden State. How precious. You can't be here if you're an illegal, but if you are here, you can drive yourself to the courthouse, which should be incarcerating you, and argue a case before some commie judge. Does that make sense to anybody?
So, I'm predicting it won't be long before some enterprising reality show producer will set up shop about 20 yards inside the U.S. of A. Then, once an illegal swims him or herself into our Country, they will be issued, on camera, a Green Card, perhaps the keys to a new Chevy, produced at taxpayers' expense, of course, some food stamps, and perhaps a full-ride scholarship to one of the UC campuses.
Oh, and the right to vote, so long as they vote, you know, like, Dumbocrat. I'm guessing the new show will be called "Wetback Games." A movie will then be made about the whole experience starring Jennifer Lawrence.
- Having failed at passing increased gun control laws, I'm predicting that Barry will declare unilaterally that the entire United States of America is a "gun free zone." Then, all shootings will end, because there can be no shootings if we're in a gun free zone, right? It's working well at schools, shopping malls, Navy bases and Army forts, right?
- Oblamocare, for the very first time, mandates that we Americans must buy a product from a third party or be fined into the Stone Age. Hmmm. What's next? I'm thinking 2014 will bring mandates from Barry's Justice Department that we buy certain additional things from your Government and mine.
As an example, I'm predicting that for a first step, Barry will nationalize Nutrisystems. Then, he will force a bill through Congress mandating that we all buy their foods.
Why Nutrisystems? Because Ms. Moochelle Oblamo is hung up on weight, perhaps starting with her own. People are complaining about the "back end" of Oblamocare. I predict that Moochelle has taken this comment personally.
- To finally, and thankfully, eliminate the charade, the Obama OFA (Organizing for America) organization, which morphed from the Obama OFA (Obama For America) campaign organization, will use the millions, nay billions, they have collected from commie weirdos since Barry was reelected, to buy MSNBC from Comcast.
Those who don't know may be surprised to learn that the 227 people who watch this ridiculous channel for any period of time will learn that it is nothing more than the communications arm for the Democratic National Committee. They have given up trying to compete with Fox News, or even CNN, on a pure news basis. They have thus decided to simply spew leftist hate crap 24/7. That way they can bang the Oblamo drum in an unending and unrelenting effort to convince Americans (and illegal immigrants who speak a little Anglaise) that the only way to vote is Dumbocrat.
I'm not sure how much Barry's Boys will have to pay for MSNBC, but I'm sure it will be less than $800. All the MSNBC anchors will then be accorded Cabinet status, of course.
- I predict that Willie Robertson of Duck Dynasty fame will run for Congress from Louisiana in 2014. He will decide that, even though he's rich, and famous, and cute, and a media star, he thinks his Country needs him. And as such, he'll throw a few million into the campaign and run against some nobody from the swamp. He will win, of course, which will put him on track to run for President in 2016. His campaign theme for POTUS will likely be "Beards for Jesus." Dumbocrats will cry fowl. Fowl, get it? Fowl? I slay me.
- Oblamo, having come to realize that he has no, I mean absolutely no, management experience, not even so much as having run a lemonade stand, will decide to appoint Mitt Romney as Chief Operating Officer of the U.S. of A. for $1 per year. This will mean that Romney will be in charge of every single aspect of our Country's operation.
Except, Barry will continue to be in charge of giving his daily Monumentally Important Speeches of the Day on his newly-created Oblamo TV network, and hosting parties with Jayzee and Beyoncé, and playing golf quite often. This new arrangement will result in a resurgence in our economy, a lowering of the unemployment rate, a reduction in our taxes, surging collections into the Treasury, the repeal of Oblamocare and a smile on every single American's face. And Barry will take credit for the whole thing, the Dumbocrats will retain control of the Senate in 2014 and Nancy Pelosi will continue to be an idiot.
- And, Barry, since he doesn't have to run for any office anymore, and seeing no need to retain the pretense of being a proud American, will decide to take his annual End-of-Year Vacation in his home country of Manchuria.
Have a great 2014, kiddies. The Chuckmeister will continue to be on the lookout for waste, fraud, abuse and anything that will cause a chuckle. Chuckle. Get it?