Be Thankful You're Average...

Now let me start by reminding my loyal Fellow Patriots that I'm a car guy of the First Magnitude.  I've personally owned more than 100 of them, have raced them in all sorts of ways, have used them in commerce, and have showed them in competitions.  So I really love speed and acceleration and try and get a dose any time I can. 

So when I read about the most recent Bugatti we can buy, I dug beneath the headlines a little.  I wanted to know beyond the purchase price just how much this thing would cost you or me to actually drive.  On the road, where it belongs.  And you're now getting the inside information. 

One of the joys of being filthy rich is you get to buy a lot of cool stuff.  Great big houses, and blingy jewelry, and the fastest jets, and snazzy clothes, and cool cars.  

Cool, expensive cars.

Except, once you've got all that stuff, you become paranoid about losing it.  Getting it stolen from you while you're getting your "Man of the Year" award, doncha' know.

Like one car I'd like to own for instance is the Bugatti Veyron.  Or even the newer Chiron model.  They're built in France for one reason and one reason alone:  To go really dammm fast.  As in, the first road-legal automobile to go faster than 300 miles per hour.  Built for those few who just have to have a car that will go 300 miles per hour.  There just cannot be all that many who do, and not too many who can also pay for it, I'm thinking.

However, highly-tuned automobiles require extra maintenance.  Done by extra expensive mechanics.  In extra expensive places.  Lemme' tell you about it...  

Let's say you've got what they call "F-you money," and along with a big house and your own little jet and the requisite 18 year-old girlfriend, you just have to have the most expensive car in the world.  Like $3,600,000 expensive, for either model.  So you write the check and get the keys.  Oh, but that's not the end.  

When you buy something so tightly-wound that it will scream to 250 mph or more in less than a half-mile, you have to feed that sucker.  You have to give it premium oats to keep it flying high!  And in the case of the Veyrons/ Chirons, we're talking 1,300 horsepower.  16 cylinders.  Four turbochargers.  Think about that... 

So, in addition to supplying your new steed with a climate-controlled garage fit for a king, with 24-hour security, which costs a fortune, you'll have to also pay to keep it performing as it should.  And here's a list of your Bugatti Routine Maintenance Requirements (read it and weep!):

     -  Annual Maintenance Inspection:  $10,950,  Molsheim, France.  ($25,000 if air freight to Molsheim proves necessary!)

     -  Replace all fluids annually:  $25,000

     -  Replace all tires (required every year):  $38,000

     -  Replace all wheels (must occur every 10,000 miles):  $50,000

     -  Turbocharger Replacement (it has 4):  $6,400

     -  Front Brake Rotors:  $18,347

     -  Front Brake Pads:  $18,317 (!)

     -  Rear Brake Pads:  $4,024

     -  Transmission Replacement:  $185,469

     -  Replace Tailight:  $10,000

     -  Replacement Key:  $13,547

And get this, if for some reason you have the very worst day a Bugatti-owning $Billionaire can possibly have, and your headlights get broken.  And they need replacement.  Ya' ready?  

     -  Replacement Headlights:   

                      $164,000!*

My statistics-oriented mind automatically went to how much this thing would cost per mile if you drove it 12,000 a year?  After you pay $50,000 a year to insure it?  I'm thinking that even if you could afford to buy it, you just might not be able to afford to drive it!  In fact, most owners say they drive their Bugattis less than 100 miles per year. (!)

BTW, one sprint to 250 mph burns 8 gallons of high-test fuel.

So please revel in your normalcy and average-ness.  Be happy you're driving a Honda and it runs just fine and you'll likely never have to take it in for service.  Ever.  But we have therefore accept the fact that we'll never know the absolute joy of planting our Johnson & Murphys flat to the floor on the Autobahn and letting one of these boys out of the barn!   

And I do mean OUT!  

Zero to 60 mph in 1.5 seconds.  150 mph in 8.9 seconds.  250 mph in less than a half-mile.  Screaming at the top of its Gaulish lungs!  Scaring the crap out of the driver!  And dayummm, I'd love to experience that feeling.  But thank you anyway, not for $7,999 a mile.  Or whatever...

Imagine losing your key?  $13 Grand!  You sh*tin' me?

And I'll never worry about some creep trying to steal my ride.  And having to whip out my heater and blowing holes in him/her/it.  I'll just be average, and own a ride that looks pretty good but nobody wants to steal.  And then sleep like a baby...

*     There were only 500 sets made originally, artfully crafted, actually, and 360 have been used in production.  Only.  And there won't be any more produced...