The Intolerable Whiteness of Being*

I'm starting to get a complex.

That's because I just learned that I'm "White."  And, that being "White" is a bad thing in 2021 America.  A really bad thing.    

Remember the "Heartbreak of Psoriasis?"  Now we have the "Heartbreak of Whiteness."  There was no cure for psoriasis back then.  And there's no cure for "Whiteness" now...

In truth, I've always known I was "White," (duh!) although I never cared.  Nor did any other White person I knew.  Or any other person of any kind.  Sort of like spending valuable time contemplating one's navel.  We were just "White," and there was nothing more to be said about it.  Sort of like having hair.  Or ears.  Sort of like those Black folks must know they're Black (duh!), and are okay with it.  And Asians must know they're Asian from a very early age.  I mean, there's not much they can do about it, so it's best to be stoic about one's lot in life.  

NOTE:  One of my Mom's favorite credos to live by was, "Never waste time worrying about those things over which you have no control."  If you cannot control it, then you can't change it.  And if you can't change, it, then why spend valuable time worrying about it?  And one's total melanin count, or relative shade of "beige" or "tan" or "brown" or "black" or "yellow" or "red" would seem to me to fit into that category.

And so must all those "Red" people running around here in Temecula.  We gave California gaming (casino) rights to the Native Americans 20+ years ago in an effort to assuage California's Liberal guilt for somebody's great- great-grandfather having mistreated his forebears 150+ years ago.  Not mine, but somebodies.  Mine were busy trying to find enough potatoes to eat.  

Same with those nice "Yellow" folks.  The very same ones we forced to build our railroads.  Conscripted labor, what?  Why aren't there any protests out there from Cher and all those other bleeding-heart Liberals?  Where's their casino?  Why aren't the squishy Libs wringing their little manicured  hands over this "slight of the White man?"  Yeah, why? 

Anyway, every news channel I happen upon these days showcases a feature about how "White" people are a scourge upon society.  An infection, somehow.  That we are "evil," and "wicked," and that we're guilty of fostering "systemic racism."  Oh yeah, and "institutional racism," which is kind of like the "systemic" variety, I guess, but different in many important ways.  

I guess.  

My favorite quote is that of Mental Midget Mayor of Lost Angeles Eric Garcetti.  He said, and I'm not kidding, "Systemic racism is when racism gets into the systems."  If a Conservative were dumb enough to mouth that inane, pre-pubescent crap, in public, in front of God and everybody, every Left-wing news outlet in the Country would go absolutely bat-shit crazy!  Got it?

So anyway, I always thought I was Caucasian, as far as race goes.  And race doesn't go too far around here.  But anyway, I'm a Caucasian.  And "Black" people are members of the "African-American" race, I guess.  At least that's the option those little "boxes" on applications tell us.  And our yellow friends are Asians.  And red folks are, ummm, well, just "Red," I guess.  I couldn't find another designation for those with this reality.  Other than "First," or "Native Americans," or "Indigenous Personages."  But nothing to do with melanin count. 

Come to think of it, maybe we should all undergo melanin counts and then post the results instead of "race" on those damn applications we're all forced to fill out?

(NOTE:  I'm also a part-time archeologist.  And cryptozoologist.  And farrier (look it up).  So you can take it to the bank that the "Red" man emigrated across the "land bridge" to America from Asia 100 million years ago.  So he gets his melanin from the same place the "yellow" man gets his, I guess.) 

Maybe they should start burning down some courthouses somewhere and they could get some racial equality for a change!  Oh wait, I mean "equity."  Oh yeah, they've already got the casinos.  They already rolled a seven in the equity category.  Never mind!!!

Anyway, as I said, I'm starting to get this complex.  And until or unless that Joy Reid person on MSPMS stops calling for my eradication, I doubt it will go away.  And I will hereby disavow all my "White Privilege," whatever that is, if it will help to restore some semblance of peace and quiet in our forlorn, battle-scarred society. 

Or, perhaps it's time for us "White" people to organize.  Maybe it's time for us to form little groups, perhaps under the cover of darkness, where we could discuss our collective plight and how to deal with it.  Including armed rebellion.*  Maybe we need a "National Organization for the Advancement of White People."  And a "White Congressional Caucus."  And a "White Entertainment Network."  And a "National Action Network for White People."  Anyone want to be Al Sharpton?

Now that we're either in the minority, as in California and New Mexico and Arizona, or very close to it, who knows how long before "they" decide to come for us.  As I said, I'm developing a complex, bordering upon paranoia.  

Actually, just one "noia."    

Remember when Michael Jackson was taking daily lemon juice baths in an effort to lighten the color of his skin?  Today?  I'm thinking if he were alive today he'd be just fine with his Blackness.  And then he could spend all that money he'd have saved on expanding his zoo...

*    With apologies to Milan Kundera...

**  "Armed rebellion" means the taking up of firearms either in personal defense, or with the intent of taking back freedoms and liberties which have been stripped from us by a bunch of commie pinko dumbass liberal weenies.  Oh yeah, and MOLON LABE!  (Look it up)

My Summer With Fats...

It was a Spring day in Marshall, Missouri, circa 1963.

I'd been living in this college town whilst pretending to go to college for a year.  I say "pretending" to go to college, because most often I didn't.  That's because I'd been playing pool professionally for several years by then, making money hand over fist and racing cars and playing poker and drinking beer and staying out of the draft, and therefore, Viet Nam, was a high priority of mine at the time.  So I was registered, and sometimes went, but you could find me either at the local pool hall or on the road and hustling the uninitiated out of their filthy lucre in some wide-spot-in-the-road, Midwestern town.

I headed on off to "Twilling's Bar and Pool Hall" in Marshall.  As I entered I saw that an exhibition was taking place toward the rear.  There were about 70 or 80 locals gathered around a table all the way in the back.  All lights in the place were off except for that one.  It harshly illuminated a really fat, white-haired older guy with an untucked, stained white shirt.  Although more than portly, he danced around the table like a ballerina, smacking in balls with abandon.  Each shot carefully called in advance in his southern patois so as to remove any chance it had been luck.  Each shot was beautiful, artful, exemplary.  This guy was gooood!  

And each shot was peppered with an unending stream of Southern drawl coming from his slobbery mouth.  He would exclaim, "Didja' see that shot?  Nobody could make that shot!  I can't even make that shot!  Who made that shot?"  Where'd that guy go?"  The crowd would roar with laughter, and their laughter seemed to further fuel his pitch.  He went on for more than an hour, calling fancy shots and proclaiming himself the World's Best!  And he ended his little show with, "I'm the best pool player in the entire world!  And if anyone here doubts me, then step right up and get your ass handed to you!"

Well of course, at that, I had to step up.  And the crowd laughed with glee.  They knew me, you see (it was one of my regular haunts), so they knew they were in for a treat.  Over the course of the next half-hour or so I beat this bastard like a drum.  Like a red-headed stepchild.  Like a rented mule.  I was that good, you see.  No brag, just fact.  At the time the odds out of Vegas had me in the Top 50 in America.  Don't know where on the list one could find me, but Top 50 is still pretty good.

Except this guy was Rudolph Wanderone, Jr.  Or, as he was better known, Minnesota Fats.  He'd previously been known as "New York Fats," but adopted the named used by Jackie Gleason in the terrific 1961 movie, "The Hustler."  In fact, he sued the studio over "appropriating his likeness," and won an unnamed amount.  I heard it was $75,000, which is not nothing.  But anyway, it helped to launch him on his mini-career giving exhibitions, like the one underway in Marshall that day.  

He'd never been world champ, or even a state champ, but he was good enough, when coupled with his motor mouth, to set up residency in his opponents' heads and to always be competitive.  Most often he gave exhibitions, like the one undertaken in Marshall that day, or played for high-stakes in some grungy pool hall with some poor schlub who didn't know his reputation.  And I knew that.  I knew well of him.  

But he didn't know me...

I'd been playing pool since the age of 13, and playing professionally by 16 (my Dad was 1928, '29 Missouri State pool champion, so I came by my talent righteously).  I'd entered and won many 9-ball and 3-cushion and Call-Shot tournaments by this time, including the 1961 Nebraska State Snooker Championship and the Missouri "All-Around."  I thought everybody wore a money belt and carried a gun.  Put it this way:  I was more of a pool hall rat than a college student at the time.  Much more.  As Fats was soon to learn...

This poor bastard didn't know what hit him.  It was somewhat embarrassing, but hey, it had to be done.  I took him apart like a Woolworth watch.  I guess he'd never faced someone equally skilled at camping out in an opponent's head.  My mouth, you see, was the equal of his own.  Dad having been a killer salesman, again, it's in the DNA.  Fats seemed shocked at first, then pissed, and then finally accepting.  He began smiling and nodding with approval.  I guess he figured, if you can't beat the crowd, join 'em.  When the applause died down and I left Twilling's, he followed me out.  

After congratulating me on the victory, which seemed very genuine, he asked what I'd be doing that summer.  Strange question, I thought.  "Why," I asked.  "Because," he said, "I put on exhibitions all over the place.  And I need somebody to be in the audience, just like you were.  And I need somebody to raise their hand when I ask if anyone is dumb enough to play me, just like you did.  And I need somebody to be my shill, to play me while I talk to the audience.  Just like you.  Except, you gotta' lose..."  

"Lose?" I asked?  "Yeah, lose.  Ya' gotta' tank."  "Why would I do that," I asked?  "Because I'm gonna' pay you $100 bucks for each exhibition..."

Now, it should be known that I was making beau coup bucks by this time.  But $100 was real money.  It was a week's pay for a mailman.  You could buy a new Chevy convertible for about $3,500 at the time, so that gives you some sort of sense of what a hundred bucks could buy.  So, I thought about it for awhile, and needing a good adventure in my life, I bit.  We became a team.  Me and Minnesota Fats.  A damn good one at that...

I did my little act with Fats about 25 times that summer.  And enjoyed each one.  We started at the Grand Olive Billiards in St. Louis and moved east.  Day after day we'd do our little dance.  All over Missouri and Illinois and Arkansas and Iowa.  And so far as I know, no one ever got wise to it.  It was just one of many creative little deviations I became involved in while trying to stay alive.  And ahead of the game.  And out of the draft...

Ever see the movie, "The Sting?"  Yeah, sort of like that...

EPILOGUE:  My professional billiards career ended with a letter from my Draft Board.  I played off and on after that, such as winning the 1968 European Billiards Championship, but my life was focused primarily on building a business and a family.  

Fats, however, always maintained that he could beat Willie Mosconi.  Now, for those who don't recognize that name, he was very simply the best to ever play the game of pool.  Without question.  And I would know.  I played him.  And he beat me.  But he also beat Minnesota Fats in the most televised sporting event in television history up to that time.  On Valentine's Day, 1978, Fats met Willie on the roof of the Starlight Hotel in Manhattan.  20 million people tuned in to watch a 5-game match between these two lions of the game.  And as I indicated above,  I would know.  Despite Fat's efforts to talk Willie out of his best game that night, Willie still managed to hand Fats his hat.  As in, buh bye!  

I won the Nebraska State Snooker Championship in 1961.  The year I turned 18.  My main prize for so doing was the chance to play Willie Mosconi, retired 18-time Billiards Congress of America World Champion, on television at the grand opening of the Olympic Lanes in St. Joseph, Missouri.  Willie was a touring spokesman for Brunswick, the main folks behind bowling alleys.  Hence, the chance to see my own personal god...  

So yes, I played Willie Mosconi on television.  And I played Minnesota Fats all one summer.

Trust me.  Willie was better.  Much, much better.  Willie was simply the best that ever lived...  

I don't often do this, but here's the link to that New York City exhibition between Fats and Willie.  I hope it works.  It's worth a moment of your time:  

https://boingboing.net/2021/01/04/watch-pool-legends-minnesota-fats-and-willie-mosconi-in-historic-match.html/amp

A Soapbox in the Public Square...

What with all this "cancel culture" stuff going around, and heightened efforts to ban and confiscate citizens' firearms, I thought it might be helpful to provide those who lean a bit to the "Progressive" side, with the education they should have received in grade school, or from their parents, and most assuredly didn't.

Yes, I love long sentences.  But you got the entire idea, packaged all up and ready to be amplified upon.  So here we go.  Amplify away, Mr. Chuckmeister!

The 1st Amendment to the Bill of Rights to the Constitution of the United States of America tells us we have the freedom of Speech, and of the Press, and of Assembly, and to Petition our Government for redress of grievances, and to practice a Religion of our choice.  What all that means in practical application is that we can stand on a soapbox, in the middle of the Public Square, and spew the vilest of totally inane crap at the top of our lungs.  To anyone who will stop and listen.  Just like it they did back in 1776 Philadelphia.  In hopes their ideas would gain traction.  Which, if you've looked around lately, did.  

What a concept!  

That speech might not be appreciated.  It might be loathed.  It might even be challenged, hopefully.  But the Bottom Line is it will be Protected.  By the Amendment to follow...

The 2nd Amendment tells us all about our God-given Right to keep and bear Firearms.  All 27 little words of it.  The "...right to keep and bear arms," it says, "shall not be infringed."  That means f-d with.  At all.  And just in case that guy on that soapbox uttering the most hateful of garbage, at the top of his lungs, gets challenged by some perp who doesn't understand the Constitution and the personal guarantees it conveys, our soapbox guy could simply reach in his pocket, pull out a firearm and protect himself.  Just like they did back in 1776 Philadelphia.  And like they can do in 24 of our States today. 

The same ones which have officials who can read those 27 little words, and know what they mean, and have thus decided that their adult, law-abiding citizens may carry firearms on their persons, concealed, without permits or licensure of any kind.  While residents of the other, "bluer" states are struggling to protect themselves from those who might choose to "cancel" them.

And that, to all you "Progressives" out there, is the way it's supposed to work...

Is Bigfoot Really Real?

So on the (recurring) subject of Bigfoot/feet, here's my theory:

The doubters amongst us say there can be no Bigfoot/feet because we've yet to find an example of one.  A living or dead example of the species to investigate is what they demand.  A bones and skin and fur Bigfoot.  And since we don't have one, ergo, no Bigfoot.    

I can certainly dig the thinking here, as a scientist myself, but there have been numerous examples of species turn up of late that we've thought long gone.  The Giant Squid, as an example.  It's been extinct for a million years, we were told.  Except they just found one.  And the Coelacanth, for another.  That fish went extinct more than One Million Years ago, the paleontologists tell us, yet there've been three of them caught lately.  And the Tasmanian Tiger.  Extinct for more than 100 years.  They just found it again.  Wandering around, wondering, no doubt, what all the fuss was about.  Yeah, like that.

So I have a particular theory on why we continue to see these giant cryptids (as yet unproven animals), and to record the sounds they make, and to see and make casts of their footprints, yet we just can't seem to gather one up to look at.*  Well, fellow Patriot, I'd like to suffer you through my particular theory...

There was a time Way Back When when there were at least a half-dozen bipedal hominids populating the Earth and warring with each other for dominance, and all at the same time.  The Bible even tells us so.  Nefilim and all that.   You've heard of the Neanderthals, and the Troglodytes, and the Cro Magnon, of course.  But Homo Sapiens (not Homo Sapiens Sapiens, the resultant, modern species), who we call Early Man, lived and fought for dominance right along side of them.  

This "war" went on for millions of years.  One by one each competing species lost and died out to those more adapted to their environment.  Sort of like that game where you grab for the chair when the music stops.  

This left only the "Denisovans."  They were apparently the last to lose against humans in the war for dominance.  These dudes were only discovered a few years ago, and trust me, they were quite something.  We can assume from their fossil records that they were at least 8 feet tall and weighed 500 pounds.  

Yeah, big.

As they began to lose this "contest for life," these competitors reverted to ever higher and higher ground, and further away from homo sapiens, making it easier to defend themselves.  Thus, they became the master of high mountains and passes.  On all the continents.  They were there, we were here.  They had innumerable caves for shelter, and plenty of game for food.    

And they still do.

So in order to live, these animals had to learn how to avoid humans.  The new dominant species.  Homo Sapiens Sapiens had evolved to become "us" by this time, and I believe the Denisovans had perhaps evolved into  "Bigfoot/feet."  I could be wrong.  I don't think I am.  

The Bottom Line, per The Chuckmeister:  They are masters at avoiding us.  That's how they continue to exist.  That's their "existential priority."  Not global warming, avoiding us.  So don't expect that to change any time soon.  My prediction?  The Big News on this front is the invention of the drone.  These babies are now being flown all day every day by the millions.  And they're equipped with amazing cameras, including infrared which can see in the dark, which will no doubt capture indelible proof of their existence.  One day soon.  

Good theory, yes?

(*  You should know that even after more than 100 years of searching, not a single chimpanzee or gorilla or orangutan bone has been found in the wild.  Not a one.  Do they bury their dead?  Cogitate on that for awhile...)   

Thank God I Identify as Black!

Yeah, and gay, too.  And a Gypsy!

That's important these days, I'm sure you've heard, as the new O'Biden Administration intends to offload truckloads of cash at Black folks' doorsteps.  He just said so in a speech in Tulsa.  He went there to personally apologize for a group of Southern KKK Democrats having nuked a town full of Black people 100 years ago.  Bad scene, that, but since America wasn't involved, I wasn't aware America had culpability.  And I wasn't aware Biden, himself was personally involved.  He's certainly old enough, but I doubt he was actually personally culpable.  Apparently he went there to assuage the guilt he's felt over all these years, however.  

We didn't, he did.

Anyway, as a mea culpa, he's decided, unilaterally (how's he do that again?), to give two out of every three new Federal loans to Black and Brown and Yellow people.  No Whites allowed.  And apparently no red ones either, as they weren't even mentioned (I guess they don't vote much).  And even though a preponderance of White folks' taxes would be used to fuel this obviously unconstitutional example of gross pandering by a gross panderer.  

(NOTE:  He will be sued, and lose.  But hey, major-league pandering like this, lying his ass off, to his constituency, on his "MainStreamMedia," sure sounds good in a speech, right?  Might even convince a few dimbulbs to vote his way...)

Oh yeah, and he's forgiving 120% of any Black Federal loans.*  That means if you borrowed $1 Million, and you're Black, you'll not only get your loan forgiven, you'll get a check from Bill Clinton or Bill Marr or Bill Gates other high-earning "Bills" for $200,000!  Let me say that again; if you borrowed X, you'll get back X + 20% from the Federal taxpayer (you and me).  Who knew there was such a pot of gold out there?  Illegal?  Sure.  But hey, sure did impress them po' Black folks in Tulsa!

Did I mention that I also identify as a farmer?  And as the Democrat Party continues to tell us, it's not who you are, it's who you identify as...

And since at this very same speech he named June National LGBTQ+ Month (what month was it before? And what do the plusses stand for?), I'm pretty sure he'll be forgiving gay folks' loans here pretty damn quick, too.  Just imagine if you are a po' Black farmer and also gay?  Hellooooo!!!!! 

                   You're rich!!!

And so, like I said, I identify as both Black and Gay!  So I'll be gettin' some of them there reparations here reeeel soon.  As a matter of fact, I intend to compete for the title of "Po' Black Gay (Gypsy) Farmer of the Quarter!"  Your votes will be appreciated...   

*  A Federal judge just placed a stay on this Executive Order, until or unless reviewed by a full, en banc Judicial panel.  See?  Started already... 

A Bit of History...

I'm an inveterate student of history, as you may well know.

You're subjected to that fact almost every time you read one of my blog postings, as there's almost always a bit of history-based irony or karma or a raised eyebrow or two or three thrown in, just for drill.  Just to make the point, doncha' know.  

I enjoy looking back, as we're told that only by so doing may we better prepare for the future.  Remember what the guy said:  "Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it."  And I enjoy comparing where we were to where we are.  And to draw mental trendlines as to where we just might wind up if we continue on our present course.  

Like now for instance.   I recall just a year ago when we were still relatively free.  And I say "relatively," as anyone with a lick of sense knows, as we've been losing our freedoms a bit at a time for decades.  

Remember when we were asked for "15 Days to Slow the Spread?"  Which magically turned into 15 months?  Remember?

I also remember when the State of California voted a decade or so back to limit my discretionary purchase of firearms to one per month.  Now they're trying to eliminate such purchases altogether.  Yeah, see what I mean?

But anyway, I'm mostly talking about when we could still speak our minds without fear of retribution.  When there had yet to develop a full-blown "cancel culture."  When we could write an op-ed in the local paper and it spark lively debate instead of a fist-fight.  Or cause a bunch of trolls in a basement somewhere in Cinnncinnnattti to foment a "doxing."  Which then turns into a mob of crazed White Marxists attempting to burn down my house.  And me having to shoot my way out, and then being charged with assault.

When "Kevins" and "Karens" weren't screaming at each other in mall parking lots about the wearing of face masks.  When folks were issuing hosannas and throwing flowers at the feet of passing cops and fire-folks for being "first responders."  Just before they began hurling bricks at those self-same police officers and firefighters just a few weeks later...

Don't remember that?  Remember when the NYC cops were getting pelted with fruit and water bottles in April, 2020?  Yeah, well that's when it all started.  Way back then.  And then May happened... 

And oh yeah, when being White didn't automatically make you a racist.  But only to those, I'd offer, who spew the propaganda on those "fake news" cable channels, and those who are stupid enough, or ignorant enough, to listen to it.  And then believe it. 

Of course, I'm so old that I can remember back when there were about 90% fewer laws than we have now, and about 90% fewer violators.  When you could ride around in the back of a pickup truck all day and the cops would just wave.  When you could ride a motorcycle without a helmet and fish without a license and drink out of a fire hose and profit in a business venture without being made to feel bad.  

When LBJ was proudly inaugurating his "Great Society Program" to lift up Black people.  I remember that, do you?  And he began to throw bushel baskets of taxpayer money at helping...or hoping to help...their inner city crime and poverty and homelessness and destitution.  He believed that money could resolve the problem.

Almost $9 Trillion Dollars thrown has been thrown at it so far.  Has it helped?

When Black folks got 5 extra points on their Civil Service exams to help produce some of that self-same "equity" that some dweebs are striving so desperately to implement once again.  5 extra points to help assuage the guilt of slavery.

When there was no "social media."  No Facebook.  No Twitter.  No Instagram.  And no chance that we'd be subjected to a picture of your lunch, or your  traffic ticket, or your supposed abuse at the hands of the local cops.  Or some racial epithet you uttered while in a drunken stupor back in college that would come back to haunt you two decades later.  And no picture of you in blackface to help ruin your chances at promotion.

And no chance every single person in America would become his or her (or its) own Media Star, snapping everyone's privacy away, a click at a time.  Without the benefit of an editor, by the way, to help keep them from making fools of themselves. 

Or winding up "cancelled." 

Or a cell phone which has magically become an appendage of the sallow, sunken, gaunt bodies of millions of basement-dwelling dweebs (I love alliteration, don't you?).  

Oh yeah, and the peace and quiet and solitude we've so desperately lost since the commies in Silicon Valley invented our privacy away...

I yearn for the simpler days of yesteryear.  I yearn for 30 minutes of evening news with Walter Cronkite.  He would always end it with, "And that's the way it is..."  30 minutes.  That's all the time there was for the news, for that's all the news there was...

Damn!  Were those the Good Old Days, or what?

We never learned, for instance, that FDR was a cripple.  Or that JFK was a womanizing pill addict with a serious neurological ailment called Addison's Disease.  Did you know that?  Or that Bill Clinton's "Arkansas Mafia" highway patrol detail would routinely bring him young starlets so he could show off his "Peroni's Disease" (look it up).  

In so many ways we've lost our innocence.  Our luster.  Our flinty gleam of brawn and bluster and youth.  The "Right Stuff" that helped us lift ourselves up by our bootstraps and prevail!  We're an aging "democracy."  One long in the tooth.  One destined for near future failure, I'm afraid.  Our most recent election proves it.  We chose via our votes to give ourselves some of what our neighbors have, instead of the chance to go out and create it for ourselves.  While China and Russia plot our demise.  We've already outlasted Rome, the first major and previously the record-holder for long-lasting democracies.  We've grown paunchy, and soft.  Can you imagine us winning the Second World War were we to be faced with such a challenge today?  

Today our new leaders argue not for a strong national defense, but for strong racial equity.  Not for the equality of outcome, but of equity.  The very definition of Marxism.  Those ignorant fools.  

The Good News is I won't live to see it.  The Bad News is...you likely will.

Goodbye, America.  It was fun while it lasted...   

LIke Rip Van Swindle...

So, fellow Pilgrims, I, The Chuckmeister, your Scribe Without Portfolio, your Roving Reporter, decided today to venture out into the "wide world" of almost-post-pandemic Taxifornia and get me some of my favorite victuals.

That's an "olde timey" word for food.

But you already knew that...

So I headed out to "Islands Burgers and Brews."  These folks have always provided their clientele with a decent mid-range burger and fries, plus a nice bar, for a fair price, so I decided to throw my business their way.

So for the very first time in more than a year, I went in and tried to sit down and have a meal.  I'd been looking forward to this day, and I was drooling at the thought.  I say "tried" to sit down, as I was preceded by a tiny teenage girl covered in a mask and gloves and Saran wrap with a rag and a bottle of sanitizer who "spritzed" all the way to my seat.  And then "spritzed" the table top and both boothes (didn't know that was the plural of "booth," didja?), even though it was fairly apparent I was dining alone.  I was concerned she might "spritz" me.  Overkill?  Ummm, yes...

The table top was bare.  Absolutely bare.  A sea of Formica.  And in place of the pictures of surfers we used to enjoy, there was a yuuuuge URL.  Right there in the middle, staring at me.  I asked where the ketchup and mustard and salt and pepper and napkins and menu were.  She said they are no more, as everything now is single-serve packages.  The kind you get in a fast food joint.  Which this place didn't used to be.

But apparently now is...

So the nice wait-person popped up and asked if I'd care to take a picture of the URL in the middle of the table top, or would I care for a menu.  Ummm, yeah, what, I said?  Take a picture?  I think I'll take a menu.  She asked if I was sure, as the menus are now single-use, like that's a bad thing.  And oh, they're also 4-color, tri-fold and expensive, so if I could just take a picture with my phone, nomsayin,' it would be all the better for them. (Jeeesh!  Gimme' the friggin' menu, and make it snappy!)  I asked for the menu.  

And my favorite Mai Tai.  Yummm!

So she arrived with the menu and my drink.  I gave the menu a quick check, and yes, they still had the basic, "Big Wave" cheeseburger.  Alarmed at the major bump in price, I asked if it still came with fries, ashamed of myself for having asked, knowing full well that it certainly would.  I mean, what burger in a mid-rangey burger joint doesn't come with fries?  Hello!!!  

Except it didn't.  No longer. 

I looked at the menu, did a quick tabulation in my mental adding machine, and determined that the $8.79 "Big Wave" burger and fries from a year ago...was now offered up for a tidy $10.59.  For the burger.  Without the fries.  And the fries now cost a tidy $6.75.  Together they bust the budget at $17.34.  

The price of a basic burger and fries at Islands has...wait for it...DOUBLED!

I made mention of that fact to the wait-person (a nice young lady, if I can still say that), and she said, matter-of-factly, that it was due to an "increase in the minimum wage."  Well okay, then.  That makes everything alright, I guess.  You double the price of your basic burger and fries, and state to your customers that it's okay, since your costs have gone up.  Like it's their fault.  

"I'm sorry your new Honda is $78,000, Mrs. Jones, but we had to give our staff a raise, you know..."

And I guess everyone's income has gone up, too, so we'll all be able to pay for it, right?  RIGHT?

I have a daughter in the restaurant industry.  I predicted to her when this whole thing started a year or so ago that there might be 30-40% fewer restaurants remaining in our Fair Land when the dust finally settled.  I had not considered that after that dust settled, your ordinary customer might not be able to afford the food offered up by the remaining few restaurants.  At least in California, and in many other "Blue" states, which closed down tight, and then apparently gave the store to their employees in wage increases as an inducement for them to come back to work.  

Notice, that didn't happen in Florida.  And a quick check with their website shows the meals at Islands there are still priced the way they were a year ago.

I'm thinking that if someone decided to dump major money on a meal, he/she/it just might choose other than a mid-range burger joint.  Put simply, the "Big Wave" cheeseburger and fries, plus a Mai Tai, and a tip, used to cost me a $20.00, with tip, out-the-door.  Now?  $40.00!  Forty Bucks!  For a cheeseburger, fries and a drink.  Same deal, almost doubled in price. 

You may disagree here, but $40 gets you a seat at a white tablecloth restaurant.  Or has everything changed that much during my enforced "Rip Van Winkle" incarceration, I wondered?   

My appetite having thus been ruined at Islands, I paid for my Mai Tai, left a nice tip, and politely made my way out the door.  I went next door to Romano's Margarita Grill, a nice, sit-down, white-tablecloth-ey restaurant.  I ordered up my favorite "Pasta Rustico," a side salad and a glass of claret.  My bill, out the door, with healthy tip, was $42.00.  Lemme's see here; dining in North Korea, fries extra, or a nice sit-down meal in ??? 

Nothing against Islands, or any other restaurant finding itself in this same bind, but do you think their recent decisions to try and off-load their problems on their long-suffering clients might have an impact on their future business?????  

(EPILOGUE:  I told the wait-person at Islands that I'd be writing in my blog about my experience there.  She was so excited to learn that she'd be famous (!).  She asked to read it.  Of course, I said.  What do you think, Tina?  Happy with your new increase in pay?)

CNN "Exposes Itself"

The very most cringeworthy event in the history of TV just occurred.  You just want to wash your hands over the whole thing...

I dunno' if you heard, but CNN just reinstated Jeffrey Toobin.

Jeffrey, as you might have heard, got a particularly acute case of cabin feevah during the depths of the anti-constitutional nation-wide lockdown His People demanded.  Turns out he was on a Zoom call with some of his associates and got a little bored.  Or "board," if you'll excuse me.  Seems that although he was fully clothed above the waist, he was, ummm, ...unclothed, below.  As in naked.  Nude, doncha' know.

Did I mention that Jeff had been the Clinton News Network's Chief Legal Analyst for more than 25 years?  No?  

So Jeff, being "board," as I stated, decided to flip his minnow.  Lope his mule.  Jiggle his joint.  Choke his chicken, as they say.  Have an order of "Beef Strokenoff."  Try jerkin' the gherkin.  Go out with Mary and her four daughters.  Take his doggie for a walk.  In front of at least one female associate, I'm led to understand.  And she didn't appreciate getting a couple of eyeballs full of Jeff's, ummm, balls.   

So she made mention of that fact to upper management, which is amazing in and of itself, and Jeffey got his walking papers.  No, not a pink slip, a love note asking him to stay at home for awhile until the matter blew over, and then maybe they could work him back into the schedule at some later date.  When all of this became yesterday's news, doncha' know.  Because Liberals just luuuv to give goofballs like Toobin 3rd and 4th and 7th chances for redemption.  He could "spank the monkey" at home for awhile, and then come back later.

Well, this is later.

Jeffrey Toobin was welcomed back into the "good" graces of the Clinton News Network in an interview yesterday with their anchor Allyson Camerota.  He "whipped off" his coat, "jerked off" his tie, and sat down.  Ahem!  She said, "Many of us have really missed having your legal analysis to guide us on to progress, so let me be the first to welcome you back!" (!) 

Grovel, much?

He said his actions were "...deeply moronic and undignified, and he was really sorry for this lapse in judgement."  He begged forgiveness, and she gave it to him.  On behalf of their rapidly-fading Network, I suppose.  

Damn, you can wiggle the tube steak on national television now and get a seven month vacay!  Where do I sign up?

(P. S.  I knew a guy who passed out every time he got an erection.  Seems as though there wasn't enough blood for he and it both!  He couldn't blink either.  Not enough skin!  I gotta' a million of 'em!)

"The Taking of Pelham 123"

I was rambling around the program guide on the TV the other day and lit upon "The Taking of Pelham 123."

You may recall this movie as fondly as I do.  The original was made back when they made good movies.  1974 produced a number of fine films, this being only one.  Pelham "1" starred Walter Matthau, Robert Shaw, Hector Elizondo and Martin Balsam.  A crisply drawn script and a compelling backdrop, plus a killer cast, make this a great way to blow a couple of hours.

Pelham "2," the re-make, opened in theaters in 2012.  It starred Denzel Washington, John Travolta, Luis Guzman, John Turturro and James Gandolfini.  What a troupe!  I thought, "Why not lose myself in a real popcorn-munching, shoot-em-up action movie?"  I mean, I've been locked away in my humble abode for more than a year awaiting permission from Boy Guv to leave.  So I really needed some good ol' fashioned entertainment.  And Pelham "2" promised to deliver exactly that.

I pushed "record" and gave it not another thought.  And then when time came to play it back, I noticed I'd recorded it on "BET."  That stands for "Black Entertainment Channel" I came to find out.  Ummm, yeah.  

I thought that was more than strange.  And a little bit in-your-face unconstitutional-ly pandering.  To the owner, Bob Johnson's other fellow Blacks.  Us against them and all that.  I'm sure that's good business for Mr. Johnson.  But it's blatantly racist, so far as I am concerned.  

And I also wasn't aware that this was a "Black" movie?  Just because it had a Black lead actor it became a "Black" movie?  When did that happen?  Pullleeeezzz!

How about this?  How about we start the "White Entertainment Channel?"  Would that go over well?  And then show only movies starring White folks.  And then the "National Association for the Advancement of White People."  And there's gotta' be a "White Studies Professor" at Berkeley, right?  And how about the "United Caucasian College Fund?"  Like that?  And the "Congressional White Caucus?"  You knew there's a "Congressional Black Caucus" in the House of Representatives, didn't you?  It's open only to Black people.  Ummm, what?  In 2021 America there's a group of Congressweenies who will only allow members with their own skin color to join.  That's racist, of course, but it's right out in the open, so what's the big deal?

Oh yeah, the "Congressional Black Caucus" is made up only of Democrats.  No Republicans allowed.  We know that.  Representative Bobby Donald of Florida, a Republican, and Black, tried to join the other day.  They wouldn't let him in... 

Want me to stop?  And then we'll throw in the "White Entertainment Awards."  I'm killing me (and others may be plotting to do the same)!!!  And maybe the White Farmers of America, and the "White Bartenders Guild?"  Oh yeah, and...   

I've got many, many more, but I think you've gotten the idea.  It would seem to me that we could go a long way toward peace and harmony if we just stopped separating ourselves along racial lines.  Like we did before last May.  

I suggest we stop using racial descriptors like "Black" or "Hispanic" for all things except in criminal cases.  And let's stop using "African-American."  Are they African, or are they American?  Or at least, how about "American-African?"  Seems better to me somehow.  I mean, we say "American Indian," don't we?  Oh wait, I guess we no longer use that term.  It's racist or something.  It's now "Indigenous Personages" I believe.  

Confusing, yes?  It was made so by those who are doing their dead level best to divide us along racial lines so they can gain, and keep, power.  And we know who they are.  Let's defang them.  Let's take away their power.  Let's just stop using race to describe each other.  At all.  Okay?     

You do that for me and I won't start the "White Entertainment Channel..."

The Ignorant Two-Thirds...

A survey recently was reported advising us that fully 62% of our population gets its news from Yahoo and Google.

The same Yahoo and Google who are proven to be censoring all news even remotely favorable to Conservatives.  Along with Facebook and Twitter and YouTube.  And every single other social media site owned/controlled by the Silicon Valley oligarchs we've come to despise.

And now fear.

They simply excise all the news they don't like, and then send out the rest.  To their doting, ignorant masses.  As did the Catholic priests in the Middle Ages.  The "Dark" Ages.  Back when they burned at the stake those foolish enough to engage in science. 

Need proof?  Last June Prez Trump walked through the park next to the White House and over to St. John's Church, which had been burned out and looted the night before by some of the Democrat Party's Finest.  He held up a Bible and defiantly stated that the rioters would not succeed in creating anarchy.  He was roasted by the Legacy Media, which accused him of using tear gas to clear the park of protesters for a cheap photo op.  The Parks Department issued its report yesterday proclaiming that yes, it ordered the protesters removed from the park so it could install fencing.  Hmmm.  

So one could assume that all the media outlets that got this story wrong initially, which was nearly all of them, would immediately issue retractions.  To clear the record, right?  To metaphorically cleanse their dirty hands of the stain of pardonable error.  

As of 12:00 Noon, PST, there was no mention of this Report in either CNN's or MSNBC's website, nor did they issue live retractions on their air.  So as far as their (dwindling) viewers know, the Report was not issued and Trump is still guilty.

I'd say that's a pretty good example.   

It's demoralizing that more than half the population of America today is totally and completely unaware that more than 300,000 illegal aliens have heeded Joe O'Biden's siren call and streamed across our southern border.  Plus another 165,000-plus "gotaways."  They are those who successfully got away from our border guards without being issued a summons to appear in Federal immigration court at some point in the future.  Like two-plus years in the future.  All while standing down our ICE and border agents, preventing them from doing their jobs.  In fact, ICE and BPE are effectively shut down.  Out of business.    

If we permit this to continue for a year, unabated, then we've modified the electorate in five southern states, potentially forever.  The Democrats simply could not convince a majority of the Electorate that their toxic policies are actually good for them.  So they're just importing new voters instead...

And more than half the Country is blissfully unaware.  And perhaps would not care even if they knew.  

Happy with the way things are going?

EPILOGUE:  The subject of this particular rant was that in my estimation more than half our population has no idea that America is being stolen from them.  I spoke with one of my oldest and dearest friends yesterday.  And a deep-seated, self-described big-city Liberal.  I asked if he was happy about the way Joe O'Biden is handling the crisis at the southern border.  "Why, did something happen?" he asked?  Point made...

Update on "Deepwater Horizon"

I hope you're good and pissed about the new O'Biden Administration's attempt to remake the American electorate by importing millions of new Democrat voters-to-be.

Some 200,000 a month, by the most recent estimates.

That's about the size of Richmond, Virginia each and every month.

(Or Spokane, Washington or Rochester, New York, or Springfield, Missouri, etc., etc...)

I outlined that scenario in my "Deepwater Horizon" expose a couple of days back.  And if you haven't read it, read it now.  It'll be good for you.  

I'll wait...  

(Dum, dum, dum dum dum dum dum, dum, dum...  That's the theme from Jeopardy.)

You back?  Good.  Then you also need to know that none of this past Sunday's talking head political pundits on the "legacy" TV shows addressed the outlandish, unbelievable, completely out-of-control crisis on our southern border.

None.

-  Not ABC's "This Week With George Stephanopoulos."

(Did you know this little fella' was Billy Jeff "Blue Dress" Clinton's Chief of Staff while in the White House?  Not a journalist?  And did you know they were roommates in college?  Gettin' a little chummy here, doncha' think?)    

-  Not NBC's "Meet the Press" with Chuck Todd.

(They pay this smarmy bozo $800,000 a year to read the news.  I'll do it for mucho less!)  

-  Not CBS' "This Morning" with Margaret Hoover.

(You don't pay me enough to watch this puke-worthy, launch-inducing drivel each Sunday.  Except, she's sorta' cute...) 

None of them.  Of course, "Fox News Sunday" with Chris Wallace, devoted a lengthy segment to this man-made illegal immigration problem, as it always does, but it's still sort of an actual news program.  Even though Wallace is a registered Democrat.

(And an insufferable, smarmy, self-satisfied puke...)  

These shows talked about taxes, and the need to raise them.  And the definition of "infrastructure," and how it needs to be changed to include everything, now that the Democrats are in charge.  Mail-in voting is infrastructure, right?  Fixing "Climate Change" is infrastructure, right?  

They talked about transportation, and once again how they needed to raise taxes (a recurrent theme, it seems).  And Russia (we can't raise taxes on Russia, can we?).  And why sending a ballot for mail-in voting to every single person in America, in advance, without request, regardless of whether they're a citizen, is a really peachy idea.  And how that really works well in large apartment buildings.  Ummm, yeah. 

And the pandemic.  They talked about that.  And how it was Trump's fault, sort of, primarily.  Mainly because he could have, maybe, done more.  Especially if he'd listened to Fauci more.  Oh wait...   

(Wasn't everything Trump's fault?  I thought that had already been established...) 

They talked about a lot of stuff, with a lot of supposedly important and intelligent people.  But they didn't talk about the one thing that could destroy America.

Unfettered illegal immigration.

(Remember, we've been assured that fully 62% of our population has as its primary news source Yahoo or Google.  That means they've yet to hear about the humanitarian nightmare unfolding on our southern border.  I fear for the future of the Republic...)

So quite simply the Democrats have decided you, the American People, just won't buy their failed policies, and that they need to replace you instead with someone who will.  And that "someone" is millions of new illegal aliens streaming across our southern border.  They believe these new citizens-to-be will be so appreciative of their new Democrat masters that they'll vote the "right way" when each November rolls around.  

Forever.

(I leave you with an old Arab saying.  It goes, "Never let a camel get it's nose under your tent.  Pretty soon you'll have a camel in your tent"...)   

"Death By Cookie"

I've think I've figured out how to commit suicide.

Oh no, I'm not going to commit suicide, but if I were so inclined, I've found the absolutely perfect way to do so.  

And certainly not by ordinary means.  Not by a gun, or a knife, or by crashing my car into a tree.  Far too messy!  And The Chuckmeister is a neat-freak, as you likely know, so that just will not do...

So I began to research alternative ways of taking that "Celestial Discharge" early, while I still can.  Before I've been issued a silver drool cup and parked in an old aged home somewhere.  

I looked into poison, but it's hard to predict the results.  I mean, how much hemlock is enough hemlock?  Certainly don't want a yuuuuge bill from the local ER, now do I?  I might survive, and be all pissed off.  And poorer.  

Or, I could go to the southern border and buy a bag of fentanyl, which I understand will off you pretty good.  And damn fast!  And God knows, there's oodles of fentanyl at Joe O'Biden's southern border these days.  Like a supermarket down there.  Not excited about that option, though.  

So I picked a way to do myself in, should I ever choose, that's really inventive.  Have you ever eaten the "Salted Caramel Cookies" at "Great Harvest Baking Company" in Temecula?  They are, simply stated, the very finest item of baked goods ever produced in the entire history of the world.    

They come in bags of six or so, and cost about $10 Bucks.  Each cookie is the size of a frizby and weighs as much as a cell phone.  Each of these babies puts out about 2,000 calories.  And each one should come with a warning as it could put lesser mortals into a coma.  

Goddddd, they are good!!!  I mean, we're talking next best thing to an orgasm!  I think.  If I can remember back that far.

Matter of fact, they might even be better, if for no other reason than they last longer!  

So I decided to buy two bags of these cookies, stash them away, and when the time comes, when they're bringing me my silver drool cup, I'll eat them all.  In one sitting.  Each and every one.  I'll go sit in the corner and eat them all.  And I'm sure I'll go into a diabetic coma and croak.  

I want you to keep this quiet.  Don't tell anyone.  If for no other reason than they make a limited quantity of these beauties, so I don't want them to run out.  Keep this just between me and you.  But this might just be the very best way to hop onto the the Heaven Highway ever invented.  But if that time ever comes, I guarandammteeya, there will be a smile on my fat face.

Goodbye in advance...  

Remember Deepwater Horizon?

What if we had an deep water oil well blowout and decided not to cap it?  

What if we had an oil well blowout and we decided to just let it flood the Gulf of Mexico with millions and millions and millions of barrels of oil without abatement measures of any kind taken?  What if we just turned our back on it and pretended it didn't happen?

Yeah, and what if we had a humanitarian crisis at our southern border and chose not to notice it?  To just turn our backs on it and pretend it wasn't happening.  To ignore the steam of illegal aliens permitted to flow across our southern border each day.

It wasn't all that long ago that the giant Deepwater Horizon oil platform blew out.  It took 13 lives with it.  And then it dumped more than 93,000,000 barrels of crude oil in the Gulf of Mexico over a several month period.  Before it could be capped.  Using the most extreme of measures.  

But what if we hadn't capped it?  What if we had just ignored it and allowed an unlimited number of barrels of oil to flow into the Gulf?  And keep on flowing?  To turn it into a giant pool of black sludge?  Kind of like the La Brea Tar Pits writ large?  And what if our so-called "MainStreamMedia," (cough, cough) chose not to report on it?  To pretend it wasn't happening.  That it chose not to notice that the Gulf was a natural disaster?  One that was killing fish and despoiling our natural world and threatening to kill humans!  

And that is the subject of this particular Chuckmeister rant (can you get an Emmy for ranting?  Just asking...).  Don't know.  Anyway, gird your loins, fellow Patriots, and prepare to be pissed...

Even though there were thousands and thousands of oil wells operating in the Gulf back then, and even more now, all efforts turned toward fixing this man-made disaster before it could become even worse.  Makes sense, right?  Massive leak, massive effort to fix it.  That was an all-hands-on-deck deal.  Everyone in America who knew anything at all about this stuff was on the scene trying to cap this well.

Funny.  That went just about the way we'd expect.  Disaster happened and America focused its efforts to ameliorate the disaster.  Post-haste.  Just like always.  

That was then, this is now...

Joe O'Biden is "elected" by the squeakiest of margins.  He proceeds to unwind every single immigration law D. J. Trump had so artfully negotiated, and from all appearances only to spite Trump.  

And then he forbade ICE agents from doing their jobs.  From even deporting those criminal alien deportees our courts had already ordered deported.  And then he invited the World to invade our Southern border.  Kind of like Johnnie Gilbert's "Come on down!"  He stood down our immigration and border agents, and invited illegal aliens to break our laws and stream across in alarming numbers.  More than 400,000 we know of since January alone.

And that doesn't count the more than 165,000 "gotaways" our guards say ran...and escaped.  

And if you watch the "Alphabet Networks," plus MSPMS and the Clinton "News" Network, and lowly PBS, you'll see nary a friggin' word about this man-made disaster!

They're just worried you might actually find out what's going on...

Are the Democrats, who are currently in charge, attempting to fix this disaster?  Is this an "all hands on deck" attempt to stem the tsunami of illegal aliens breaking our laws and giving us the finger while doing so?  Illegal aliens we'll be paying to educate and fix and feed and clothe, and maybe arrest, forever?

No.  

As Homeland Security Agency chief Majorcas repeatedly lies to reporters, "The border is closed."  I've personally seen him retell that bald-faced lie more than 30 times.  As my Mom used to say, that man could lie when the truth sounded better.

And of course they believe it, because they don't do journalism any more.  They're just the Public Relations Arm for the Democrat National Committee.  Or they don't believe it but it doesn't even matter.  "Wink-wink."  They just do favoritism.  Fan-boy stuff.  Home team.  Rah rah!  

Oh yeah, and while they're doing this they're releasing more than 100,000 hardened felons from prison, eliminating cash bail so that felons can be quickly released from custody each time they're arrested, and doing their best to confiscate our firearms so we cannot protect ourselves.  Presumably they want their newly-arrived illegal constituency to kill off current voters, who are not currently cooperating at the ballot boxes.  

Who do these guys work for, anyway?  

Afraid much? 

(P.S.  I think this was one of my better rants, and I hope you'll agree.  I covered all the bases, expressed outrage at all the right places, and did a forceful wind-up so as to leave you pissed for at least an hour afterward.  And I can't wait to do so again real soon...)  

"Blazing Saddles"

I think I know how to get rid of "Progressives."

You know, those uber-weird nutcases who thrive on taking the earnings of others, trying to control the weather, and "cancelling" people.

They've been screwing up America since at least Woodrow Wilson, and it's high time we Conservatives got rid of them.  With extreme prejudice.

So here's the plan.

     -  First, we tell them that The Donald will admit all his crimes live on national TV on a future date-certain.  

     -  Then we hijack one of the larger TV stations and lock out the management and security.  Just before Trump begins to speak.  

Except Trump won't begin to speak.  He'll be on the back nine at Mar a Lago.  This little, ummm, subterfuge, all in good fun, doncha' know, will be designed to explode the minds of "Progressive" commie weenies who are slavishly watching, hoping for some magic expose.  Casting a spell that Trump would be sent away forever.  Frog-marched straight to Leavenworth.  At the Magic Moment we'll push the button and start...

              "Blazing Saddles."

Those of us who are old enough not to be hipppmotizzzed by all this "woke" crappola will be safe.  Those of a younger persuasion will be knocked off their feet that there was a time in America when free speech was tolerated.  A movie filled with every forbidden word?  Including the infamous "N-word?"  Dozens and dozens of times?

Perish the thought!

So perhaps we can pull off this coup before America is lost forever.  The one, final, representative democratic republic in the entire world.  They're hoping for it.  We're willing to fight against it...  

Can you imagine what it would do to the simple-minded dumbass "Progressives" like the (in)famous "AOC," the only waitress in history who never brought anything to the table?  She would melt.  Like the witch in that famous story?  And all her friends in the "Hamas" faction of Congress?  And every other weenie who wants to invade our businesses and our wallets and our bedrooms and our jobs and our schools and our lives?  

You know, those same folks who are just fine with your track star daughter finishing 20 yards behind a "boy" in the 100-yard dash?  And "she" gets the college scholarship?

Just imagine a life without those who are desperately trying to ruin yours.  A life without the CPDLW's (Commie Pinko Dumbass Liberal Weenies) who have attached themselves to you and your paycheck like one of Zak Bagan's gnarliest demons.  Let's strike while we still have the chance.  

Pssssst!  Remember, let's keep this just between us taxpayers...

EXTRA! EXTRA! Read All About It!!!

Dr. Mireya Mayor, famed primatogist, biologist and adventurer, ex-NFL "Raiders" cheerleader, and star of the hit series "Expedition: Bigfoot," just released the following announcement:

The absolute cutting-edge technology, sand/soil-based EDNA (Environmental DNA) evidence sample they collected and sent to the lab during their recent Kentucky Bigfoot search just came back:  It was from a... 

                   Chimpanzee... 

Not a near-Chimpanzee, a Chimpanfrigginzee!!!

Now, all I can assume is what we've all assumed over the years.  Since none of the tens of thousands of sightings of Bigfoot over the years has ever likened it to a chimp, all we can assume is that our Big Boy is a hybrid of that species...and something else.  Like a chimp and a Neanderthal, for instance.  Or a Denisovan, perchance, which was just discovered to have lived about 12,000 years ago and made a habit of patrolling Canada, Alaska and Asia.  He was intimated to be about 8' tall and weigh in at about 400 lbs.  

Or he could be the result of a happy coincidence.  A meet-up at the old watering hole might have ignited a love affair involving between our early-something and a Gargantuan.  This enormous fellow lived about 100,000 years ago, we're told, except those who tell us that crap are sooooooooo often wrong (still wearing a mask, are we?)!  Anyway, Gargantua was yuuuuuge!  He just about doubled all of Denisovan's stats.  12' - 14' tall and 1,200 lbs.  Biiiiig!

So, I don't know and really don't care.  We now have scientific evidence of a New Species!  Helllloooooooo!!!  To all the "reporters" at the N. Y. Times, and the Chicago Trib, and ABC/CBS/NBC and all the other alphabets, and every single cable "news" channel:  

                   Bigfoot lives!

And thank God for that.  Now that The Donald is gone you really need something new to write about!!!