Paraprosdokians.

There may be one or two of you who aren't as yet aware that I just luuuuuuuuuuv to play with words!  Yes I really do!  I like to put them together in ways that evoke thought, or anger, or displeasure, or laughter, or even higher learning.  And having spent a lifetime fine-tuning this proclivity, I'll step right up and admit I'm pretty darn good at it.  And so, when I come across a new category of word play, I just had to bring it to your attention.  And that new category is...PARAPROSDOKIANS!

Whhaaaattt dat?  These are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.  So, being the really good guy I am, and I reeeeely am, I put together a listing of such playthings for your reading enjoyment.  Go gather up your own and keep the whole set.  So, here we go:

-  Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

-  The very last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

-  Since light travels faster than sound, some people sound really bright until you hear them speak.

-  War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

-  knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.

-  To steal an idea from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is research.

-  When filling out an application asking who to call... "in case of an emergency, I always put down, '"A doctor."'

-  You do not need a parachute to skydive.  Only to skydive twice.

-  I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

-  How is it that it takes only one match to start a forest fire, but an entire box to start a campfire?

-  Some people are like Slinkies.  Not much good for anything, but it's still enjoyable to watch them tumble downstairs.

-  Dolphins are so smart that within a week or so of their captivity they can train people to stand at the edge of their pool and throw them fish.

-  Hospitality:  Making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

-  Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He won't expect it back.

-  Why do we choose from only two people to be President, but 50 to become Miss America?

-  I want to die peacefully like my grandfather.  Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.

-  There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.

-  To be absolutely sure of hitting a target, shoot first and then move the target.

-  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

-  You're never old to learn something stupid.

-  I'm told to respect my elders.  It's just getting harder and harder to find one.

-  Some cause happiness wherever they go.  Others whenever they go.

-  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

-  A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you're after it as when you are in it.

-  Change is inevitable.  Except from a vending machine.

And perhaps my favorite...

-  If you're supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?