So like the very good 'Murican patriot that you are, you suffered through my previous essay of the same title. Like a true warrior. Minus the "Part Deux" part, of course.
You managed to explore my thinking on this tricky and peril-fraught subject. You managed to read both my summation of the problem and why we have to figure out a solution post-haste. But first, for those who were so dilatory as to have not actually read, understood and inculcated the extraordinarily valuable and insightful commentary I puked forth a few days back (FOR SHAME!), here's the abridged ("Reader's Digest") version:
1. We have millions and millions of illegal aliens here in America. They come from other countries, and are not therefore citizens of this one. They are here illegally. They are not "undocumented, uninvited but uber-welcome guests," no matter what the Dems or the Lap Dog Media choose to call them. They either hiked up their pantalones and waded across the Rio Grande, or their parents brought them here, illegally, before they had achieved the age of maturity and could decide for themselves whether they would choose to break into this, or perhaps another country. And the Lefties in the U.S.A. are going all Medieval on the Dems in Congress trying to get at least the DACA's (the 8 million alien "kids" who are now average age of 26) forgiven and issued brand-spanking-new citizenship papers. And maybe a good used car to boot. And a nice gift certificate to Starbucks. And an apology for being, well, us...
2. Conservatives in America do not believe that the proper response to an invasion of illegal aliens is to thank them for coming, issue them some Welcome Wagon gifts, and immediately place them on the welfare rolls. Oh, and profess complete agreement with the idea that "their" uneducated, unskilled and uninvited labor is superior to "our" own unemployed, and should be accorded entry-level jobs ahead of America's own. We know for a fact that our laws have been broken and that the law-breakers should be made to pay for their transgressions against our citizens before we start talking about much of anything else.
In other words, the sheer number of lawbreakers in a particular class, like bank robbers/check kiters/drunk drivers, etc., should have no effect on whether, or how, we choose to punish them. However, when they're more of them than people who live in North and South Dakota, Montana, Idaho, Utah, Colorado and Kansas, you'd better believe that punishing them will be a real chore.
This, boys and girls, and others, if you live in Taxifornia, is what they call an "impasse." Kind of like a real "Mexican Standoff." They (Democrats) want to buy new voters with our tax money, and we (Republicans) want to expel them. Now. Nice...
Sooooooooooo, I, the Chuckmeister, your loyal scribe without-papers, has ruminated upon this weighty subject and have conjured up a potentially workable solution. And here it is:
Crimes have occurred. And the criminals must be, MUST BE identified, charged, tried and punished for those crimes, and then have that punishment meted out by the citizens of this Country which they dishonored. For if they are not, then our laws mean nothing. NOTHING!
Orrrrrrrr, my preferred outcome, the "Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals" beneficiaries should be given the opportunity to name their lawbreaking parents as the lawbreakers they are for having broken into America, and broken our laws, and then they should help us round up and deport their mommies and daddies to help pay their debts to the country they broke into.
In other words, "an eye for an eye." Their parents broke our laws, and either they, or their children, should be made to pay the price. Take your pick. I suggest the dads and moms would be a better choice to round up and export, as we paid via our taxes to educate their children, all the way up to and including college. They might, MIGHT prove to be a net-plus for our society, even though we didn't invite them here. Their parents have already proven by way of their actions that they do not value our laws and thus have got to go.
In short, my friends, our laws must mean something. And without laws, our country might wind up like Mexico...
Oh yeah, in closing, I suggest that we conduct this whole proceeding out in the open, in public, in some sort of ceremony paying homage to the chariot scene in "Hunger Games, Part 2." And we could possibly sell the TV distribution rights to a pay-for-view outfit. Can't you see it? Mass deportation of gardeners and maids and housekeepers, or a mass deportation of "kids" who shouldn't be here in the first place, broadcast live all over the world.
God, how I love the smell of irony in the morning...
Monday, December 11, 2017
Friday, December 8, 2017
An Essay on "Critical Mass" and Illegal Immigration, Part 1.
There's a reality in physics (and in life) known as "critical mass." By definition, it is the amount of a material (such as plutonium) that is large enough in size or in volume to allow a nuclear reaction to occur. Better put, it's generally the amount of something necessary or sufficient to have a significant effect, or to achieve a desired result; a critical mass of popular support, for instance.
In life, it is sometimes better known as "the tipping point." That is a volume of a thing below which a given result can be avoided, and beyond which that result, desired or not, will most assuredly occur, regardless of any effort to forestall it.
"Well, Mr. Chuckmeister, what does that have to do with anything?" I hear you ask that, Grasshopper, and here is the answer:
If you have only a few bank robbers, or pedophiles, or check kiters, or "flashers" in the park, or even habitual drunk drivers, you can fashion laws against that sort of behavior, hunt down the violators, arrest them, try them and convict them in a court of law, after which you toss them into the nearest prison. Shame on them, shame on their families. But that activity depends upon the fact that there must be a sufficient number of prison cells available into which they can be stacked up like cord wood.
Taxifornia just discovered the fallacy of that reality when it passed Prop. 57, which emptied our prisons of felons, up to and including murderers, because "we had insufficient jail cells to house them." Or so our uber-liberal judges dictated. Hmmm.
In fact, they, the pride of Obama and his ilk, said, we were running (or crawling?) at 200% of maximum human volume in our state prisons here. That's not good, except for the fact that they're criminals and any discomfort which can be visited upon them is just fine with me.
Oh yeah, and it also depends upon the fact that there aren't so many of those scofflaws that they overwhelm the society bent upon meting out punishment. Now hold that thought for a just a minute...
What would happen, I ask rhetorically, if the sheer number of those law breakers was so great, so voluminous, so enormous, so overwhelming, that there was no place of sufficient size to put them? What would happen if the number of such violators was so great that we as a society could no longer prosecute them? No longer mete out the punishment that, according our system of laws, is so richly deserved? So great that society's norms had to bend to accept their version of how reality must unfold? So very great that society must change its laws to accommodate the lawbreakers' behavior?
Think back to the sixties. And the seventies. And even the eighties and nineties. We arrested, prosecuted and jailed those who were caught smoking that Devil weed known as maryjowanna. Lots of them. Texas jailed several caught with felony-weight weed for the rest of their natural lives!
But slowly, surely, the sheer number of dope smokers grew. And grew. And GREW! They increased so much that our societal norms had to be arm wrestled into fitting their illegal activity. That's true particularly in states where the majority of citizens are of, ahem, shall we say, Leftist persuasion. Like Oregon. And Washington State. And Taxifornia. And Colorado. And Maryland. Etc., etc., etc. Think about that. We had to conform to what they were doing. And so it appears we have.
And that's not a new reality. Think back to Prohibition. The Gummint dictated that we peons should just stop drinking alcohol. We didn't think that was such a great idea. We kept drinking. And a decade or so after the 18th Amendment was passed, it was subsequently "un" passed. The Feds turned tail and skulked off, soundly whipped up on by 'Muricans who just love to get wasted.
Now, even though illegal in all 50 states, Federally speaking, there are 31 states that allow, or openly condone, or frankly applaud, the growing, and smoking, and recreational using, of grass. Taxifornia anoints grass with full-blown legality come New Years Day! What a change! Me thinks a big chunk of that change of opinion state-wise has to do with the $Billions of dollars in brand-new taxes which are flowing into their coffers since their change of perspective (CO expects $One Billion Dollars in new tax receipts this year!).
Now overlay that reality on top of illegal immigration. You know, the activity of illegally crossing the border between us and a couple of other neighboring countries, and then setting up shop and commencing to conduct business as if they belonged here. Right out in the open! Constructing houses and mowing lawns and washing cars and wet-nursing kids. Millions have. Presumably millions more will. So far there's nothing to stop them. They are wading across the Rio Grande as I write this. In fact, they are now here in such overwhelming numbers, some would opine as many as twenty million of them, but no one knows for sure just how many, that we are now forced to embrace their illegal activity by somehow making it retroactively legal.
Some wag even did a little math awhile back on the subject and opined that it would take 500 buses running 24 hours a day for 20 years to deport them all. So, this guy's suggestion was, since you can't punish them, simply grant them amnesty. Hmmmmm, again.
Kinda' reminds me of the advice going around when I was coming up: "When rape's inevitable, just lay back and enjoy it." I can almost see the feminists among you retching uncontrollably at having just read that. You can probably also tell it's been quite a long time since I was "coming up."
And lemme tell ya,' Pilgrim, if you live in what used to be the Golden State, and you're...perish the thought...white, then you are officially in the minority here, and have been for more than a decade. Lost Angeles County is about 78% Lateeeeeeno. And parts of that once-Great City are approaching 100%. In my opinion, it looks for all the world as if they brought nasty, smelly, dirty and dangerous Tiajowanna with them when they invaded L.A. They keep asking if we know what it's like to be a second-class citizen. Yes, we do. Yes, we actually do...
Now, in an ideal world, in which we surely do not live, this would not happen. An alarm would sound if and when the degree of civil disobedience grew to such a cacophonous barrage on our eardrums that we would say, "Stop! Cease and desist!" But did that happen when the fatcat backers of our more conservative lawmakers discovered you could hire illegal aliens to build your buildings and pick your fruit and wash your cars for less than the going labor rate? Ummmm, nooooooooooooo!
And did it happen when our Liberal weenie legislators grew to know that you could look the other way when illegals started illegally voting, because they would reliably vote for their go-to Democrat water carriers? Noooooooooo again! Some cities in reliably Blue Pennsylvania enjoyed a turn-out during the 2016 General Election of 140% of those registered to vote.
So, now we have too many illegals to round up and deport. At least that's what we're told. So what's to do? I've got it! We'll just make them legal! Yeah, that's the ticket! Legalize 'em! And so that's what the Lefties among us have set about doing. Oh yeah, the conservatives are fussing and fuming and pounding their well-manicured fists on the table. But behind the scenes, they're doing the bidding of their masters as well.
And that brings us up to DACA. That stands for "Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals". That means that those children who were brought here, illegally, before the age of 16, and who have not committed any "major" crimes, whatever that means, and who sign up on a Federal website, can be granted deferral from deportation for a five year period. And then, thinking that this Executive Order would have been extended, and extended again, indefinitely, to the point that such a "deferral" would have become permanent. After all, it was a Federal giveaway, and we all know that it's damn near impossible to take back anything once Uncle Sugar first starts handing it out.
For better or worse, that's Obama's legacy. He told us on 21 separate occasions that he did not have the authority to grant such a deferral. He said he was a President, not a king. He said it would be unconstitutional for him to wave his hand and permit these "kids" to stay here. He said it was simply against the law.
And then he went ahead and did it anyway, making sure that the renewal period would fall well within his successor's reign, well after he'd vacated the Presidency and begun playing golf full time.
Sort of like leaving a grenade, pin pulled, on a shiny hall table on his way out of the White House, doncha' know.
Now let's review, children. DACA was according to B. Hussein Obama, a "temporary fix." One that would have to be "passed into law by the Congress" to be permanent. It was just another one of those Executive Orders that Obama used to come up with to avoid having to actually stoop so low as to deal with those lowly Congresspeople. Republicans screamed when he took this action. They knew it was unconstitutional, and he knew they knew. And they knew he knew they knew. But the Lap Dog Media loved it. So did every single left-wing weenie lawmaker in D.C. And every Big Blue City that's run by Democrats. You know, like Chicago, and Detroit, and New York, and Baltimore, and Lost Angeles, and San Francisco, and Seattle, and Portland, and, and, and...
And so Trump is elected. You know, that guy who campaigned in Black churches and Black cities everywhere. A guy who campaigned in Wisconsin and Pennsylvania. BTW, Hillary didn't. A guy who won 8% of the Black vote (twice Romney's total!), and one in three Latino votes. He crossed over. He stated, openly, that he was for a "pathway to legalization" for the so-called "Dreamers" in their quest to be legalized. After all, he said he "loved them." We love them to. We just luuuuuuuuuuuv them! I just feel sure that we'd love them more if their parents hadn't brought them here illegally.
But they did.
And now we, the 'Murican people, are faced with a choice between negatives: try and deport people who are here illegally and incur the wrath of legislators who are depending upon their votes to continue supping at the public trough; or open our collective arms and embrace them as "new-found neighbors and "citizens," with all rights and privileges appurtenant thereto."
Of course, if we try to deport them, states like CA, the one in which I unfortunately still reside, will just pass a bunch more laws attempting to secede from the Union. And making it illegal for any State school or hospital or pizza parlor to make nice with the Feds. After all, they're "just kids" (average age, now 26).
Now, just in case you think The Chuckmeister has no heart, let me remind you that this could well be a slippery slope. We all know that illegals get better treatment here than legal citizens. They don't pay income taxes, or property taxes, and they get free schooling, and heath care, and many received food stamps, and rental subsidies. Me thinks we should investigate where we can sign up to turn in our citizen cards and opt for illegal status.
And don't let the Lefties hornswoggle you into believing that all these "kids" are working or in school or in the military. According to the Department of Defense, there are a grand total of 800 illegal alien "dreamers" now serving in the military. Out of a total of 800,000, that means 0.01% are wearing the uniform. That's not enough to roll up and stick in your eye...
And then we will face the inevitability of "chain migration." That means that the moms and dads of "dreamers" who are granted legal status will be granted legality as well. And then grandparents, and aunts and uncles, and cousins. So, from 20 million we'll go to...who knows?
We, my friends, we may have passed critical mass. The tipping point. There's so many illegals here there may not be a damn thing we can do about it. So what's next? Just "...lay back and enjoy it?" What's to prevent other "voting" blocs of criminals banding together and begin demanding their own bit of strong arm justice. Bank robbers? DUI recipients? Bad check artists? Identity thieves? All they have to do is get that force-in-numbers thing going and start lobbying left-wing Congressweenies, agreeing to vote as a bloc, and they'll soon be our next "Social Justice Experiment."
Of course, then again, I, the Chuckmeister, your faithful and hard-working scribe without portfolio, may have the solution. And I'll be writing about that in the coming days. In the meantime, please contemplate the awfulness of this awful situation and how we hired the very most qualified professionals to (mis)manage this whole thing into this awful quagmire in which we now find ourselves.
Stay tuned...
In life, it is sometimes better known as "the tipping point." That is a volume of a thing below which a given result can be avoided, and beyond which that result, desired or not, will most assuredly occur, regardless of any effort to forestall it.
"Well, Mr. Chuckmeister, what does that have to do with anything?" I hear you ask that, Grasshopper, and here is the answer:
If you have only a few bank robbers, or pedophiles, or check kiters, or "flashers" in the park, or even habitual drunk drivers, you can fashion laws against that sort of behavior, hunt down the violators, arrest them, try them and convict them in a court of law, after which you toss them into the nearest prison. Shame on them, shame on their families. But that activity depends upon the fact that there must be a sufficient number of prison cells available into which they can be stacked up like cord wood.
Taxifornia just discovered the fallacy of that reality when it passed Prop. 57, which emptied our prisons of felons, up to and including murderers, because "we had insufficient jail cells to house them." Or so our uber-liberal judges dictated. Hmmm.
In fact, they, the pride of Obama and his ilk, said, we were running (or crawling?) at 200% of maximum human volume in our state prisons here. That's not good, except for the fact that they're criminals and any discomfort which can be visited upon them is just fine with me.
Oh yeah, and it also depends upon the fact that there aren't so many of those scofflaws that they overwhelm the society bent upon meting out punishment. Now hold that thought for a just a minute...
What would happen, I ask rhetorically, if the sheer number of those law breakers was so great, so voluminous, so enormous, so overwhelming, that there was no place of sufficient size to put them? What would happen if the number of such violators was so great that we as a society could no longer prosecute them? No longer mete out the punishment that, according our system of laws, is so richly deserved? So great that society's norms had to bend to accept their version of how reality must unfold? So very great that society must change its laws to accommodate the lawbreakers' behavior?
Think back to the sixties. And the seventies. And even the eighties and nineties. We arrested, prosecuted and jailed those who were caught smoking that Devil weed known as maryjowanna. Lots of them. Texas jailed several caught with felony-weight weed for the rest of their natural lives!
But slowly, surely, the sheer number of dope smokers grew. And grew. And GREW! They increased so much that our societal norms had to be arm wrestled into fitting their illegal activity. That's true particularly in states where the majority of citizens are of, ahem, shall we say, Leftist persuasion. Like Oregon. And Washington State. And Taxifornia. And Colorado. And Maryland. Etc., etc., etc. Think about that. We had to conform to what they were doing. And so it appears we have.
And that's not a new reality. Think back to Prohibition. The Gummint dictated that we peons should just stop drinking alcohol. We didn't think that was such a great idea. We kept drinking. And a decade or so after the 18th Amendment was passed, it was subsequently "un" passed. The Feds turned tail and skulked off, soundly whipped up on by 'Muricans who just love to get wasted.
Now, even though illegal in all 50 states, Federally speaking, there are 31 states that allow, or openly condone, or frankly applaud, the growing, and smoking, and recreational using, of grass. Taxifornia anoints grass with full-blown legality come New Years Day! What a change! Me thinks a big chunk of that change of opinion state-wise has to do with the $Billions of dollars in brand-new taxes which are flowing into their coffers since their change of perspective (CO expects $One Billion Dollars in new tax receipts this year!).
Now overlay that reality on top of illegal immigration. You know, the activity of illegally crossing the border between us and a couple of other neighboring countries, and then setting up shop and commencing to conduct business as if they belonged here. Right out in the open! Constructing houses and mowing lawns and washing cars and wet-nursing kids. Millions have. Presumably millions more will. So far there's nothing to stop them. They are wading across the Rio Grande as I write this. In fact, they are now here in such overwhelming numbers, some would opine as many as twenty million of them, but no one knows for sure just how many, that we are now forced to embrace their illegal activity by somehow making it retroactively legal.
Some wag even did a little math awhile back on the subject and opined that it would take 500 buses running 24 hours a day for 20 years to deport them all. So, this guy's suggestion was, since you can't punish them, simply grant them amnesty. Hmmmmm, again.
Kinda' reminds me of the advice going around when I was coming up: "When rape's inevitable, just lay back and enjoy it." I can almost see the feminists among you retching uncontrollably at having just read that. You can probably also tell it's been quite a long time since I was "coming up."
And lemme tell ya,' Pilgrim, if you live in what used to be the Golden State, and you're...perish the thought...white, then you are officially in the minority here, and have been for more than a decade. Lost Angeles County is about 78% Lateeeeeeno. And parts of that once-Great City are approaching 100%. In my opinion, it looks for all the world as if they brought nasty, smelly, dirty and dangerous Tiajowanna with them when they invaded L.A. They keep asking if we know what it's like to be a second-class citizen. Yes, we do. Yes, we actually do...
Now, in an ideal world, in which we surely do not live, this would not happen. An alarm would sound if and when the degree of civil disobedience grew to such a cacophonous barrage on our eardrums that we would say, "Stop! Cease and desist!" But did that happen when the fatcat backers of our more conservative lawmakers discovered you could hire illegal aliens to build your buildings and pick your fruit and wash your cars for less than the going labor rate? Ummmm, nooooooooooooo!
And did it happen when our Liberal weenie legislators grew to know that you could look the other way when illegals started illegally voting, because they would reliably vote for their go-to Democrat water carriers? Noooooooooo again! Some cities in reliably Blue Pennsylvania enjoyed a turn-out during the 2016 General Election of 140% of those registered to vote.
So, now we have too many illegals to round up and deport. At least that's what we're told. So what's to do? I've got it! We'll just make them legal! Yeah, that's the ticket! Legalize 'em! And so that's what the Lefties among us have set about doing. Oh yeah, the conservatives are fussing and fuming and pounding their well-manicured fists on the table. But behind the scenes, they're doing the bidding of their masters as well.
And that brings us up to DACA. That stands for "Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals". That means that those children who were brought here, illegally, before the age of 16, and who have not committed any "major" crimes, whatever that means, and who sign up on a Federal website, can be granted deferral from deportation for a five year period. And then, thinking that this Executive Order would have been extended, and extended again, indefinitely, to the point that such a "deferral" would have become permanent. After all, it was a Federal giveaway, and we all know that it's damn near impossible to take back anything once Uncle Sugar first starts handing it out.
For better or worse, that's Obama's legacy. He told us on 21 separate occasions that he did not have the authority to grant such a deferral. He said he was a President, not a king. He said it would be unconstitutional for him to wave his hand and permit these "kids" to stay here. He said it was simply against the law.
And then he went ahead and did it anyway, making sure that the renewal period would fall well within his successor's reign, well after he'd vacated the Presidency and begun playing golf full time.
Sort of like leaving a grenade, pin pulled, on a shiny hall table on his way out of the White House, doncha' know.
Now let's review, children. DACA was according to B. Hussein Obama, a "temporary fix." One that would have to be "passed into law by the Congress" to be permanent. It was just another one of those Executive Orders that Obama used to come up with to avoid having to actually stoop so low as to deal with those lowly Congresspeople. Republicans screamed when he took this action. They knew it was unconstitutional, and he knew they knew. And they knew he knew they knew. But the Lap Dog Media loved it. So did every single left-wing weenie lawmaker in D.C. And every Big Blue City that's run by Democrats. You know, like Chicago, and Detroit, and New York, and Baltimore, and Lost Angeles, and San Francisco, and Seattle, and Portland, and, and, and...
And so Trump is elected. You know, that guy who campaigned in Black churches and Black cities everywhere. A guy who campaigned in Wisconsin and Pennsylvania. BTW, Hillary didn't. A guy who won 8% of the Black vote (twice Romney's total!), and one in three Latino votes. He crossed over. He stated, openly, that he was for a "pathway to legalization" for the so-called "Dreamers" in their quest to be legalized. After all, he said he "loved them." We love them to. We just luuuuuuuuuuuv them! I just feel sure that we'd love them more if their parents hadn't brought them here illegally.
But they did.
And now we, the 'Murican people, are faced with a choice between negatives: try and deport people who are here illegally and incur the wrath of legislators who are depending upon their votes to continue supping at the public trough; or open our collective arms and embrace them as "new-found neighbors and "citizens," with all rights and privileges appurtenant thereto."
Of course, if we try to deport them, states like CA, the one in which I unfortunately still reside, will just pass a bunch more laws attempting to secede from the Union. And making it illegal for any State school or hospital or pizza parlor to make nice with the Feds. After all, they're "just kids" (average age, now 26).
Now, just in case you think The Chuckmeister has no heart, let me remind you that this could well be a slippery slope. We all know that illegals get better treatment here than legal citizens. They don't pay income taxes, or property taxes, and they get free schooling, and heath care, and many received food stamps, and rental subsidies. Me thinks we should investigate where we can sign up to turn in our citizen cards and opt for illegal status.
And don't let the Lefties hornswoggle you into believing that all these "kids" are working or in school or in the military. According to the Department of Defense, there are a grand total of 800 illegal alien "dreamers" now serving in the military. Out of a total of 800,000, that means 0.01% are wearing the uniform. That's not enough to roll up and stick in your eye...
And then we will face the inevitability of "chain migration." That means that the moms and dads of "dreamers" who are granted legal status will be granted legality as well. And then grandparents, and aunts and uncles, and cousins. So, from 20 million we'll go to...who knows?
We, my friends, we may have passed critical mass. The tipping point. There's so many illegals here there may not be a damn thing we can do about it. So what's next? Just "...lay back and enjoy it?" What's to prevent other "voting" blocs of criminals banding together and begin demanding their own bit of strong arm justice. Bank robbers? DUI recipients? Bad check artists? Identity thieves? All they have to do is get that force-in-numbers thing going and start lobbying left-wing Congressweenies, agreeing to vote as a bloc, and they'll soon be our next "Social Justice Experiment."
Of course, then again, I, the Chuckmeister, your faithful and hard-working scribe without portfolio, may have the solution. And I'll be writing about that in the coming days. In the meantime, please contemplate the awfulness of this awful situation and how we hired the very most qualified professionals to (mis)manage this whole thing into this awful quagmire in which we now find ourselves.
Stay tuned...
Monday, December 4, 2017
Paraprosdokians.
There may be one or two of you who aren't as yet aware that I just luuuuuuuuuuv to play with words! Yes I really do! I like to put them together in ways that evoke thought, or anger, or displeasure, or laughter, or even higher learning. And having spent a lifetime fine-tuning this proclivity, I'll step right up and admit I'm pretty darn good at it. And so, when I come across a new category of word play, I just had to bring it to your attention. And that new category is...PARAPROSDOKIANS!
Whhaaaattt dat? These are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. So, being the really good guy I am, and I reeeeely am, I put together a listing of such playthings for your reading enjoyment. Go gather up your own and keep the whole set. So, here we go:
- Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
- The very last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
- Since light travels faster than sound, some people sound really bright until you hear them speak.
- War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
- knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.
- To steal an idea from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- When filling out an application asking who to call... "in case of an emergency, I always put down, '"A doctor."'
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. Only to skydive twice.
- I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
- How is it that it takes only one match to start a forest fire, but an entire box to start a campfire?
- Some people are like Slinkies. Not much good for anything, but it's still enjoyable to watch them tumble downstairs.
- Dolphins are so smart that within a week or so of their captivity they can train people to stand at the edge of their pool and throw them fish.
- Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
- Why do we choose from only two people to be President, but 50 to become Miss America?
- I want to die peacefully like my grandfather. Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.
- There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
- To be absolutely sure of hitting a target, shoot first and then move the target.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- You're never old to learn something stupid.
- I'm told to respect my elders. It's just getting harder and harder to find one.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you're after it as when you are in it.
- Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
And perhaps my favorite...
- If you're supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Whhaaaattt dat? These are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. So, being the really good guy I am, and I reeeeely am, I put together a listing of such playthings for your reading enjoyment. Go gather up your own and keep the whole set. So, here we go:
- Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
- The very last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
- Since light travels faster than sound, some people sound really bright until you hear them speak.
- War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
- knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.
- To steal an idea from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- When filling out an application asking who to call... "in case of an emergency, I always put down, '"A doctor."'
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. Only to skydive twice.
- I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
- How is it that it takes only one match to start a forest fire, but an entire box to start a campfire?
- Some people are like Slinkies. Not much good for anything, but it's still enjoyable to watch them tumble downstairs.
- Dolphins are so smart that within a week or so of their captivity they can train people to stand at the edge of their pool and throw them fish.
- Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
- Why do we choose from only two people to be President, but 50 to become Miss America?
- I want to die peacefully like my grandfather. Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.
- There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
- To be absolutely sure of hitting a target, shoot first and then move the target.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- You're never old to learn something stupid.
- I'm told to respect my elders. It's just getting harder and harder to find one.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you're after it as when you are in it.
- Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
And perhaps my favorite...
- If you're supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
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