Eau de Bacon!

This outstanding business opportunity is being made available to a very select group of friends and family.  If you are among the recipients, consider yourself among the exalted few.  And now, my friends, prepare to be amazed...

Eau de Bacon!

Yes, my friends, Eau de Bacon (that's "Eau" with a long "O." It's French, doncha' know).  My answer to the rash of beheadings which have taken hold of the world, also presents with it an amazing business opportunity It appears that the Islamic Jihadist terrorist killer thugs are beheading all thither and yon, presumably upset are they that we, Westerners and non-believers, won't convert en masse to Islam.  And so, they're in a tizzy.  And when you get an Islamic terrorist in a tizzy, you just know the results aren't going to be good.  They go all medieval on you, knifing and stabbing and shooting and running you over with big box trucks.  Not good at all.

So, what do we know?  We know that Islamic terrorists hate dogs, and capitalism, and tight-fitting clothes, and females over the age of twelve, and running out of ammunition, and freedom, and pork, and all products made therefrom.  

Soooooo, for those who have decided not to carry a concealed weapon and use it if and when the need arises (shame be upon thee!), it struck me that one of the things we Westerners can do to protect ourselves from these roving Jihadist thug murderers is to create a Porcine Protective.  A Ham Hamperer.  A Bacon Barrier.  Soooo, for women I propose bacon earrings!  Yes, strips of nice, thick-cut, smoked, cured and brown sugar-infused bacon strips, hanging proudly from their earlobes, protecting them from roving bands of Muslim Marauders.   

And for the guys, I recommend a couple of shots of Eau de Bacon, The Chuckmeister's answer to aftershave and cologne.  Just a couple of squirts on your neck and underarms before you head out the door will cause the essence of pork to waft unhesitatingly toward any Jihadist in the immediate vicinity. And they will run, my friends, not walk, in the opposite direction to avoid any contact at all with those who wear it. 

And here in Taxifornia, where folks are often unsure of their own gender, perhaps wearing both would provide the necessary protection.  I mean, you don't want to venture out without protection, do you?  You could even keep some extra in your billfold.  Heh, heh.

Just think of it.  Bacon earrings all a'dangle, or Bacon cologne, liberally applied, will stop a prospective beheader in his sandals!  They won't know what to do with themselves! They'll likely put down their machine guns and head on back to the mosque to confer with their Imam and get further instructions as to how they can come up with another nefarious plan to ruin our collective days.  And if enough of us protect ourselves in this fashion, along with the smart ones of us who are packing heat, I'm of the opinion all these Islamic terrorists will head on back to France, or England, or Indonesia, or Amsterdam, and even back to Afghanistan, or Pakistan, or Kurdistan, or one of the other "stans," to tend to their goats and think about the beheadings that could have been...

I'm looking for some entrepreneurial types who will join with me to manufacture some great Piggy Products.  I mean, how much can it possibly cost to put together a credible bacon processing and repurposing enterprise?  Does anyone know Hormel's phone number? This is a sty-floor opportunity! There's money to be made here, folks! And we might as well be the people to make it!  And just think!  We could save some lives in the process!

Get back to me.  This is an idea whose time has come!