Saturday, January 17, 2015

The Chuckmeister's 2015 Predictions (Your Wait is Over!)

Each year about this time I put figurative pen to paper and puke forth my annual predictions.  But you know that.  You've been following my little blog for years now, and feverishly awaiting the publication of the current list. And this year's is a doosey.  Or is it "dusey?"  Or perhaps "duzie?"  

Anyhoo, sit back, pour yourself a nice glass of juicy Merlot, chilled to a perfect 59 and one-half degrees, and delight in the inherent goodness that will now unfold in rapturous beauty before your very eyes...

1.  House Speaker John Boehner's suntan bed will break, his orangish tan will disappear and he won't be able to get into the Capitol Building without I.D. He'll be able to vote, of course, but not get into the Capitol building. How awful.

2.  You know that most recent Supreme Court rulings end in a five-four vote, with the conservative majority barely holding sway.  Barry getting his fanny metaphorically kicked over non-recess, recess appointments to the National Labor Relations Board, that paragon of thugish and slavish union ass-licking, are but one 5-4 example.  The Golfer-in-Chief has been urging Ruth Bader Ginsburg to resign her seat and go home so he could appoint another lefty weenie to the court before his interminable term of office mercifully ends.  She just won't do it.  I think she likes the attention.  So, I predict her body will be found floating face down in the Tidal Basin this spring. The story will be she went for a swim and had a cramp in her 123 year-old leg, dooming her to the existential dirt nap.

3.  Seven more Malaysian Airlines jets will go missing. And, shortly thereafter, a new airline in Malaysia will appear.  It's so much easier to start an airline when you don't have to buy the planes. Oh, and the passengers, having all been hiipmooootized, will emerge as cabin attendants and ground crew. Talk about a successful startup business plan!  Shark Tank take notice!

4.  Everybody in California will move to Nevada, Utah, Arizona, Texas and New Mexico, except sign twirlers and Starbucks baristas.  And, the 11 Million illegal aliens who are thick in and around Lost Angeles, of course. Oh, and those commies in Sacramento who wouldn't want to leave their cushy jobs trying their very best to live our lives for us.

5.  Al Gore will host another of his interminable anti-Global Warming (Climate change?  Climate disruption?  Climate chaos?) gatherings, featuring numerous Hollyweird celebricrats, and discover that the reason he's so warm is because he's been wearing an Irish cable knit sweater all these years. He will then ceremoniously doff the sweater and become the newest cheerleader for coal mining and oil fracking.

6.  Scott Walker, famed Governor of Wisconsin, the home of unionization, who has almost single-handedly crushed the unions in the state where they first began, will announce for President of the United States.  The thugs who run the AFL-CIO, SEIU, IBEW and the NEA will respond by performing hara-kiri on the steps of the Milwaukee Statehouse.  Oh, and one must recall that The Chuckmeister (me!) predicted as far back as 2013, in the pages of this diminutive but worthwhile blog, that Walker would do exactly that.  And, dear reader, that he would also win the nomination, and eventually the White House.  At which time, I must offer up, we will once again have a True American Patriot as President.  Which I confirm by so saying that we haven't had one of those guys for six years now. 

7.  Since we know that less than 3% of the public is gluten-intolerant, but that about half the public specifies gluten-free when ordering, I predict that some smart entrepreneur will come out with "extra gluten" products later this year.  After all, what happens to all that gluten when it's left out of stuff the dummies buy?

8.  I predict that shouty chef Gordon Ramsey will soon have his own TV network.  He will appear every minute of every hour, every day, pontificating on each and every aspect of food preparation at the top of his expansive lungs.  Vacationer-in-Chief B. Hussein Obama will become jealous that someone besides him has such massive media exposure and declare war on "extremist food preparers."

9.  B. Hussein Obama will accidentally say "Islamic" and "terrorism" in the same sentence while doing another of his endless, droning, boring, off-putting, gut-wrenching, puke-encouraging, gag-me-with-a-spoon, daily...and sometimes hourly...speeches. Upon the realization that he's uttered such an inflammatory statement, he'll get down on his knees and bow repeatedly to Mecca.  He'll not be forgiven, and a "fatwa" will be uttered on his life by some Imam somewhere.  Thereafter, our TelePrompTer-in-Chief will order the spokesweenies who report to him to refer to "The War on Islamic Jihadist Terror" as "An effort to find and criminally prosecute those individuals who inflame the conscience of loyal Muslims everywhere by committing crimes and blaming it on the Religion of Peace they have unfortunately hi-jacked."  White House journos will throw up in their mouths when they hear this tortured B.S.

10.  Having grown weary of Islamic terrorism without any offsetting effort from the rest of the world to counteract it, a bunch of Baptists in the south will get together and form an army.  They, along with a few Methodists, some Presbyterians and a couple of members of the Church of Christ will then rampage the entire Middle East, slashing and burning like nothing seen since the Crusades.  The Islamonazis will give up and return home, promising to forever spend their remaining days as rug merchants and camel herders.

11.  Having grown tired of seeing incessant, 24 hours-per-day, "Smokey the Bear" commercials on cable TV, some miscreant will track down Smokey and put a bullet in his tired old butt.  The killer will then go out and start a forest fire just to make himself feel better.  It will later be found that the murdering scoundrel was a member of PETA until they stiffed him for some work he performed throwing paint on starlets at movie premiers.

12.  By late 2015 MSNBC will have lost so many viewers that they will be forced to change the name. To Faux Nooooze.  As it will turn out, the folks who watch their "network," and I use that term loosely, won't notice.

13.  I predict that Texas will become weary of propping up the American economy with jobs and taxes they will secede from the union.  That will, according to our Vacationer-in-Chief, leave only 56 states.

14.  I predict that some school principle somewhere will advocate for the students to bring cans of corn and peas to their school.  What for?  To hurl at would-be active shooters in the event one of them decides to whip out a weapon and violate that "gun free zone" thingie.  Oh wait!  A principle in Alabama just did exactly that.  Yes, my friends, truth is waaaaaay stranger than fiction.  I'd better hurry up and publish this blog posting before all of it comes to pass already.

15.  And finally, the dimbulbs responsible for putting those "Gun Free Zone" signs at the entrance of every school in America will strike again.  They will post the very same sign on I-40 and I-10 at the California border.  The Lefties believe sincerely that if there were just more laws...or more signs...then criminals wouldn't disobey them.  With 20,000 anti-gun laws on the books already, surely just a few more is all that's needed.  Anyone thinking of bringing a gun into our once-Golden State after these signs go up will think better of the idea and leave it at home.  

And so, my friends, and you are my friends, I close out this annual exercise in futility.  I trust you'll enjoy a happy, healthy and fruitful 2015.  And if not, then at least two out of the three...

No comments:

Post a Comment

The Chuckmeister welcomes comments. After I check them out, of course. Comment away!