Department of Hyphenation

A few months back I suggested in the pages of the Newport-Mesa Daily Pilot that our new President-in-training could make a significant dent in the unemployment rate by appointing more czars. It appears Mr. Obama must read the Pilot as he's since appointed another three dozen of them. But it seems to me there's still more areas of our lives without nearly enough government control and influence. So, I've come up with another recommendation for czardom. Here goes...

As an English/Irish-American, I would like to personally congratulate Mr. Obama, the first openly African-American on his ascension to the throne of President of the United States. I say "openly," because there may have been previous presidents with a little African in them. And as we learned from Halle Berry's acceptance speech at the Academy Awards a few years back, if you're even a little bit Black, you're Black.

My lovely Polish/Lithuanian-American wife wishes to add her congratulations as well. So does my staunchly Democrat Russian/Jewish-American attorney. I asked my German/Austrian-American butcher what he thought about it. He said something about the country of his birth having produced an accomplished orator in the past, so to him, no big deal. My Mexican-American yard care guy, whose company is called "Lawn Order," I think, didn't seem to get it either. Of course, his English is somewhat compromised, so the lofty platitudes continually emitted at flank speed by our new President don't seem to find a receptor site within him. Not so with my openly gay Swedish-Danish-Welch & Irish/Morman-American hair stylist and his obviously black African-Presbritirian-American partner. They think Obama is cute.

But through my poling efforts on this issue I had a true epiphany. No matter how rich or poor one is (Obama was so poor his family couldn't even afford an apostrophe!), I've come to the conclusion that everyone deserves a hyphen of their very own. Not just African-Americans, but everyone. Even native American Indians deserve their very own hyphen. Would we call them American Indian-Americans? So, in addition to lowering the level of the oceans and healing the planet during his first term, as he promised during his 6/3/08 speech, I suggest he create the Department of Hyphenation and appoint a czar to run it without delay. Then, at very little cost to the taxpayer, every -American could enjoy the benefits of a hyphenated existence. True equality, after all, means everyone should be able to play the victim at one time or another. I volunteer for this exalted post as Czar-in-charge and will begin issuing hyphens just as soon as the White House calls. You're welcome.