Salt Air and Mountain Ranges

After more than 30 years of exhaustive research, I'm here to tell you it's the salt air and mountain ranges.  

If you've noticed, most of the people and nearly all of the crime is located in those 3 states west of the Rockies, and those 15 states and a Federal Enclave located east of the Appalatians.

Which caused me, Fellow Patriots, to look for a common denominator.  And I think I've found it.  The easterly winds blow salt air all over the 47,000,000 people who live in Washington, Oregon and California.  And that salt air bumps up against the Rockies and stagnates.  Meaning the 16% of our population who live in those states are stewing in salt.  And we know that too much salt can cause severe health problems.  But what's little known is that it also causes LIBERALISM!* 

And the proof, Fellow Patriots, is our 13 original colonies, Virginia and Washington, D.C.  The wind being blown in from Africa swells up the Eastern Seaboard.  It turns a sharp right when it hits the coast, because the Appalatians keep it from continuing on.  So like those poor souls in the far west, they're doomed to LIBERALISM.  No choice.  Like the pod people in that black and white '50's movie, they're doomed.

So my suggestion to avoid another civil war is for us to do some creative swaps with our friends up north.  We know those provinces in the middle of Canada just hate that their dog is being wagged by Victoria's and Toronto's tail.  

Once again, salt air.   

And they might look favorably on taking CA, OR and WA, plus MN, and the Eastern Seaboard states, for Saskatchewan, Alberta and Calgary.  They'd wind up with like-wired citizens, and be rid of those constantly complaining Provinces.  

We'd suffer a yuuuuge population decrease, but with that decrease crime would virtually disappear.    Making the 10% or so of our entire Gross Domestic Product we spend on crime go down precipitously.  Sort of like having your in-laws finally move out after a protracted stay.

Trump has his wall-making crew operating overtime.  They might want to keep going when they hit San Diego.  Just turn right and build another 1,050 miles straight north to the Canadian border.  

Oh yeah.  We'd require a passport to visit the sane part of New America...

*   Personal opinion.  And we know that opinions are like assholes.  Everybody's got one...