Saturday, February 20, 2016
Well, kiddies, you may or may not be pleased to learn that this will be the next to last in the series of things that I've learned over the course of my illustrious, often-imitated-but-never-duplicated, lifetime.
Oh yeah, there's plenty more that I've learned, and will learn, but I think I've beaten this horse to such an extent that PETA will soon be banging on my door, begging me to stop. Horse beating is no longer permitted, don't you know.
So, in no particular order, here's some more of that stuff that I've learned and feel honor-bound to share:
- Have you seen those cutesy TV ads from Ally Bank? You know, like the one with that guy who embarrasses himself at dinner by saying, "Ahhh, Pinot Noir. It means, "Peanuts of the night." Well, my friends, and you are my friends, what you may not know is that Ally Bank is what emerged like the Phoenix from the ashes of GMAC, or General Motors Acceptance Corporation. Those were the guys who would finance that new Chevy you just had to have. And those were the guys who went down in flames back in 2008 when the economy tanked. And those were the guys who still owed us, you and me, more than $8.7 Billion when they reformed as a non-brick-and-mortar Internet bank to take your deposits and cash your checks. How, I ask rhetorically, are these bozos permitted to get back into the banking business when they haven't yet paid off their obligations to us, the U.S. taxpayers? Since he's the guy that facilitated, even shepherded GM's bankruptcy, maybe somebody ought to ask Barry Obama that question at his next press conference.
- I've learned that there are people dumb enough to believe that Socialist Bernie Sanders will, if elected, give them free college tuition, and billionaire Donald Trump, if elected, will deport 12,000,000 illegal aliens.
What good ol' Bern, no doubt one of the least accomplished men in America, and without the Senate would likely be on welfare, doesn't seem to realize is that those rich enough to be worth robbing blind are rich enough to hop on a plane, theirs or someone else's, and fly off to Belize, or Panama, or Costa Rica, or Ireland, or some other warm and sunny place, and, with saddle bags full of cash in hand, ask for political asylum (long sentence, that). There's already an island off the coast of Canada which is offering political asylum in the event The Donald wins the election.
And what that same Donald doesn't seem to realize is that each and every illegal would necessarily receive Constitutional due process, including a free lawyer and his day in court, prior to being forcibly tossed out. One thing for sure, every underemployed lawyer in America is hoping he wins, as that would represent full, well-paid employment for them all until the end of time. Yet, there are those so incredibly eaten up with the dumbass they buy both of these guy's fanciful fairy tales.
- I've learned that a gun in the hand beats a cop on the phone. Every time...
- I've learned that any politician that advocates the passage of a new piece of legislation without offering up an old one for sending to the shredder should be taken out and shot.
- I learned back in physics class that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. Therefore, since fat is nothing but stored energy, if someone loses it, someone else had to gain it, right? I wonder who gained Marie Osmond's fat? And since Rosie O'Donnell still has her fat, and plenty of it, we fortunately don't have to wonder about hers.
- I've learned that lefty eco-weenie "miwwionaires and biwwionaires" just luuuuuv $120,000 electric cars. That's because they say they want to "save the planet." Wellll, you dufuses, perhaps you didn't dig deep enough to find out that the batteries in electric cars are composed of super-rare earths that need to be mined and refined and then repurposed from far away climes, which throws gobs and gobs of nasty stuff up into the atmosphere. And those batteries need to be disposed of with great care as they are terribly injurious to Momma Earth. And God help you if you get into an accident and need the First Responders, as they may not be able to use the Jaws of Life to extricate you from your pile of twisted metal. Those "Jaws" might just electrocute the guys who want to help you. And, those electric cars don't recharge themselves out of the ether, either. Half of the energy used to power electricity generating plants is coal! So, coal makes electricity, and the electricity made from coal powers electric cars. A conundrum of the First Magnitude, don't you think? In short, like cocaine, electric cars are God's way of letting you know you make too much money...
- I've learned that Bernie Sanders should be asked if socialism works so very well, why has socialist Venezuela run out of toilet paper? Gasoline costs only $0.15 a gallon in Venezuela, but nobody can afford a car. And half the folks there are starving to death. Perhaps ol' Bern should visit countries like this one before giving capitalism the finger.
- And not to harangue Chicago too much, but hey, I've learned that no matter how many get killed in "gun free" Chicago each and every weekend, it won't be reported by the Obama Media. That's because it's proof positive that "gun free" creates nothing but a "target rich environment." There were more than 100 shot there during the first ten days of 2016, and 12 of them died. All Black. And all at the hands of other Blacks. In a city where it's virtually impossible to buy and own a gun. And where it's also near impossible to defend yourself against those who wish you dead. Brings new meaning to the term "gun free zone," doesn't it? What I find quizzical is why everybody hasn't yet bolted from the Windy City for more healthful locales.
- I've learned that Polar Bears can swim for sixty miles. Sixty miles! So, when you see a photo from some dumbass organization picturing a Polar Bear perched precariously on a little spit of an iceberg somewhere, looking all forlorn and lonely, it's because he wants to be there, and not because he's afraid of drowning.
- I've learned that only in America can you go from Governor of Arkansas at $35,000 a year to the owner of your own personal foundation with $500 Million in the bank. Invent something? Start a pizza chain? Become a world-class neurosurgeon? Hell no! Just become a crooked politician!
- I've learned that in order to start shooting up shopping malls and schools and military installations somewhere, it's first necessary for a nice, young Muslim male to first become "radicalized." Or, at least that's what the Oblamo Administration and the Lap Dog Media wants us to believe. Funny, I don't recall any nice, young Baptist or Methodist or Mormon or Amish males having to become "radicalized" prior to shooting up a ...oh wait, they don't shoot up anything! Never mind...
- I've learned that Obama's promise to "fundamentally transform America (speech, February 15, 2009), is perhaps the only promise that he's ever made that he's actually kept.
- I've learned that more than 9,000 corporations have moved from California to neighboring states during the past ten years. The dumbass fools who write the laws up in Sacramento have so messed up our beautiful chunk of paradise that companies are beating feet to other, more business-friendly locales at flank speed. Can you blame them? Need an example? Sure. Toyota was headquartered in Torrance, California for more than sixty years. They've moved to Plano, Texas, and taken with them more than 4,700 of their high-earning, white-color employees, along with billions of dollars worth of economic activity. Why? Taxifornia's tax rates top out at $13.9%. Texas? Zero corporate dollars! And zero personal rates. And Nevada, and Utah, same thing. And very low in Arizona and New Mexico. Any wonder why I-10 is full of vehicles heading east? Why did Jerry "Moonbeam" Brown have to say upon learning of Toyota's exodus from the once-Golden State? "Good riddance," he said. Nice, Jer. Nice. Please write when you've found work.
- I've learned that one Hil(liar)y Rodham Clinton tried to join the Marine Corps when she was 26 years old. Yes, my friends, the Hildebeest tells us that just after graduation from Yale Law School, and passing the Bar, and heading off to Arkansas to marry Billy Jeff "Blue Dress," who had just been elected that state's Attorney General, and proudly displaying for all to see her chops as having protested mightily the Vietnam War as a volunteer for various lefty groups, including one run by Saul "Rules for Radicals" Alinsky, Barry Obama's official handbook, she decided to become a Marine. She was refused admittance, she now tells us, because she was "too old." Hmmm. Sure. The Marines would have stomped warm puppies to death to take a woman lawyer into the Judge Advocate General's Corp, or "Corpse," as Barry calls it, back then in the post-Vietnam era. But the Hildebeest tells us she couldn't qualify. I believe her, don't you? This is the same woman who told us her parents named her after Sir Edmund Hilary. That's the guy, by the way, who climbed Mount Everest Four years after she was born! Perhaps she was confused. Or hopes we are...
- And speaking of Mrs. Clinton, I've learned that the antidote to one of those "four hour erections" they talk about is simple: just listen to a recording of Hil(liar)y Clinton delivering one her patented stump speeches, screaming at the top of her gold-plated, socialist lungs, like fingernails on a blackboard, and your woodie will disappear in nothing flat!
- I've learned that Martin Luther King, Jr., has his own holiday. Yet, inexplicably, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Abraham Lincoln, F. D. Roosevelt, Harry Truman and Ronald Reagan, etc., etc. do not. Could it possibly be that the fact Dr. King has a holiday and the others do not is some sort of reverse racism?
- I've learned that not one single solitary classified email was sent to or received by Mrs. Hil(liar)y Clinton on her home-brew server, according to her. Yet, thus far there have been some 1,730 such emails unearthed, with more yet to come. Some are so top secret, named "SAP," or Special Access Program, that those tasked to find them cannot even read them. I, the Chuckmeister, at one time held a Top Secret Crypto clearance back when I was defending America from communism, and SAP clearance is two steps beyond that. Any wonder Hil has an honesty deficit problem?
- I've learned that, two months following the horrendous mass slaughter at the San Bernardino County Developmental Center by Islamic jihadist murderous killer thugs, their First District Supervisor Robert Livingood has just called for all County personnel to be armed. Finally! As loyal readers of the Chuckmeister's unassuming little blog knows well, I've been calling for damn near everybody to be armed and considered dangerous. Unless and until the Good Guys are armed, the Bad Guys will be free to wander around shooting nice folks with abandon. We cannot allow that, people. We cannot, and we should not. Period! The SanBerdoo leaders finally came around. What about the rest of you?
- I've learned that when John F. Kennedy got his boat, PT-109, shot out from under him and his men by the Japanese Navy in the Pacific during WW-Part Deux, they were able to swim to a deserted island in the Solomons. They then carved a "rescue us, pretty please" message on a coconut and tossed into the ocean. It was found by some passing natives rowing their canoe nearby and then delivered to the Navy, who were able to rescue JFK and his men. Thereafter, he kept it on his desk in the Oval Office for all to see.
- I've learned that Jesus and I had something important in common: Jesus turned water into wine. I turn wine into water...
- I've learned that those insufferable, interminable and annoying PSAs (Public Service Announcements) that frequent your cable TV programming are there for one very, very important reason: The network depends upon them to make a profit.
What, you say? They profit from running "free" PSAs? Yes, kiddies, they really do. That's because every one of those "free" ads they run offsets a "paying" ad run by some car company, or drug company, or weight loss company that could have been run in that same time slot. So, if CNN or FOX or MSPMS, for instance, runs one of those "visit the forest," or "cars for kiddies," or Wounded Warriors" ads, they can write off the equivalent amount they "could have" sold that 30- or 60-second or 3-minute spot to a paying advertiser, whether or not there was an advertiser desirous of purchasing that time slot. So if they write off $1.00 of freebie ad for every $1.00 of an equally-charged $1.00 of paying ad, they wind up with "zero" income. Get it? See? It pays to own a network!
- I've learned that if Albert Gore had won his own home state of Tennessee, he would have won the 2000 election and we wouldn't have had to go through "hanging chads" and the bleatings of Michael Moore and Supreme Court decisions to determine the ultimate winner. My thinking is that if your own home state doesn't like you enough to vote for you, I don't care who your opponent is...I'll take him (or now her, or even "it"). And that, kiddies, is how we wound up with George W. Bush as POTUS. So, all you dummies who think the election was stolen, no it wasn't; it was forfeited by a guy who was - and is - a fatuous, vacuous, lumbering, slumbering, lurchified, droning, low-rent, gasbag fool.
So there, my friends, another group of "learnings" is in the can. And now sent along to you via the "1s" and "0s" so accommodating by the digital age. I trust you'll find some of them enjoyable, or enlightening, or even infuriating. Because I'm an equal opportunity enlighten-er and infuriat-er. So, if you don't like them, just remember: They're free!
And so, until next time, in the words of the immortal Lone Ranger, "Hi-yo Silver. Away!"
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Well, children, here we are. It's Part Four and I'm just getting started. How much can one person learn in a short (long?) life? Quite a bit, it seems. And here is more of that stuff for you to ponder and enjoy. Without further ado...
- I've learned that the fine city of Lowell, Massassasschuuttes, or however you spell that commie state's name, has just implemented something I find quite disturbing. Yes, my friends, this fair burg has decided if its residents wish to exercise their 2nd Amendment rights to "keep and bear arms," they must first write an essay to the Town Mothers and Fathers (overseers?) as to why they should be permitted to do so. And then, if Mommy and Daddy decide they're worthy, they must then take a five-day course in gun safety, which this city is happy to sell you, and administer, for the rather astoundingly humungous sum of $1,100.00!
I'm asking myself if these bozos are aware that charging such an exorbitant amount effectively disenfranchises their less well heeled residents from exercising their fundamental, God-given Right? The very same folks who likely live on the wrong side of the tracks and need it more than those who live in safer neighborhoods. And then I'm asking if they are intending to tweak the remaining nine Rights a bit? Like, perhaps, charging people a license fee prior to allowing them to stand on a soapbox in the Town Square and holler out their opinions. Or, forcing them to buy a permit before being able to invoke their 5th Amendment right against self incrimination. How could it possibly be that there's a town in modern-day America that is run by complete, unadulterated, commie pinko dumbass liberal weenies? I, for one, fear the end is near.
- I've learned that eating two strips of bacon for breakfast each day reduces your chances of becoming a jihadist suicide bomber by fully 100%. Also, I've decided that what we normal, non-jihadist, non-terrorist folks need is some bacon-scented after shave. Then, just about the time one of those Bad Guys tries to separate your head from the rest of your torso, they'll get the scent of pork products and take off running at flank speed in the opposite direction, their Kukri knife dragging in the dirt. Better than pepper spray! Almost as good as a .357 Magnum!
- I've learned that the Wounded Warrior Project has taken in more than $1 Billion Dollars since it's inception in 2004, and the rather large sum of $353 Million in 2015 alone! That's tall money, my friends, especially since it's built on guilt trip info ads airing non-stop on cable TV, and $19 a month pledges from ordinary folks like you and me.
And I've also learned that the folks that run this non-profit are spending like drunken sailors (no insult to sailors intended!) on "team building" trips and meals and food and beverages and travel. $30 Million last year alone! And, I've learned that they donate only about 60% of of their proceeds to the Warriors they are supposed to be helping!
You should know that the organization that oversees charity groups like this one in terms of actually doing what they're supposed to do has placed the Wounded Warrior Project on its "do not donate" list. As a veteran, I'm sorry to have to report this news...
- And speaking of scams, it's time to address our attention to another thing I've learned. As soon as "Mike Lindell," the supposed founder of the "My Pillow" enterprise, stated in one of his ubiquitous TV commercials that his product had been recommended by the "National Sleep Foundation," I just knew that outfit had been founded by good ol' Mike himself for a little third-party proof that his pillow was worth the $100 he was charging. Considering you can buy a damn fine pillow from Target or Wal-Mart or Sears for $25, the extra $75 just has to go into advertising to get the easily swayed to cough up the dough. Or into his well-rested jacket pocket. This scam was old when I was young. But it apparently still works on the gullible. Simply found a foundation to tell the world the crap you're selling is worth buying. Sad, but it works. Unfortunately...
- And speaking of hookers (we were, weren't we?), I've learned that the term "hooker" was coined as a synonym for prostitutes by (in)famous Major General Joseph Hooker, Civil War commander par excellence. He was known for his hard-drinking, partying and dalliances with the ladies at his headquarters. Thereafter, women of the evening came to be known as "hookers," forevermore.
Oh, and if you were wondering where the term "crapper" came from (you were, weren't you?), it dates all the way back to 1836 England, and to the guy who invented the "W.C.," or Water Closet (flush toilet). Thomas Crapper, later to be knighted (I proclaim thee Sir Crapper...Jeesh!), was a pretty good plumber. So good that he came up with a better way to get rid of the stuff everybody wants to get rid of. So, when somebody calls the bathroom the "crapper," you'll finally know from whence the term emanated.
- I've learned that there has never, ever, ever been a civil or criminal complaint, or prosecution, or conviction, of a person who removed, altered or defaced the tag on a mattress or pillow in any state, county, city or province of the United States of America. So, one could reasonably ask, why is it there? Could this be another one of those laws that should be repealed before another one is passed?
- I've learned that, in spite of my efforts, there is still no White Congressional Caucus, no National Association for the Advancement of White People, no White Entertainment Network or Awards Program, and no White History Month. Perhaps worst of all, there's no Affirmative Action for White people displaced by preferences given to Blacks. And yet, Beyonce Knowles (who is she again?) can prance around in a swim suit during the half time of the Super Bowl giving salutes to Malcolm X and the Black Panther Party, and then Black Lives Matter, when White guys wearing white sheets and hoods and carrying burning crosses doing the same exact thing would have been arrested and immediately sent to the Pelican Bay SuperMax. Just saying...
- I've learned that our Mr. B. Hussein Obama has a bit of a problem with the Federal Debt. You'll recall back on July 3, 2008, when he said:
"The problem is, is that the way Bush has done it over the last eight years is to take out a credit card from the Bank of China in the name of our children, driving up our national debt from $5 Trillion for the first 42 Presidents - #43 added $4 Trillion all by his lonesome, so that we now have over $9 Trillion of debt that we are going to have to pay back - $30,000 for every man, woman and child. That's irresponsible! That's unpatriotic!"
Ummm, Mr. Obama, we just passed $19,000,000,000,000 in Federal Debt. You've now put more on that Chinese credit card than all of America's other Presidents combined! Now you've racked up more than $56,000 in indebtedness for every single American! Does that make you irresponsible? Unpatriotic?
- I've learned that most of you don't know, or don't remember, that George Stephanopoulos was one of those who helped elect Billy Jeff "Blue Dress" Clinton back in 1992. And then, he was a key part, along with the infamous James Carville, in his reelection in 1996. But did you know that he was Clinton's Assistant Press Secretary, and then his Communications Director, and later his White House Chief of Staff? And then, after leaving Clinton in 1996 following Billy's reelection, without any, any journalistic training or experience whatsoever, he was hired by ABC as a newscaster? And now he is ABC's Chief Political Reporter and has a featured one-hour political talking heads show on Sunday morning? ABC is the media arm of Mickey Mouse. don't you know. Is there anybody out there who still doesn't understand that there's a strong, indelibly strong left wing media bias out there? Maybe this is why people call him George Clintonopoulos, and CNN, the Clinton New Network.
- I've learned that the pyramids and the Spinx and Stonehenge and Machu Pichu are not the oldest man-made objects on Earth. That honor now falls to Gobekle Tepe, a 22 acre shrine to something-or-other in southeastern Turkey. This place has been carbon-dated at somewhere between 11,000 and 12,000 years old! That's more than 6,000 years older than those previously considered for that distinction.
This site features a series of "T" shaped, carved stone pillars buried in the ground, each more than 16' tall and weighing 7 - 10 tons. And yet, the folks who supposedly carved and erected these pillars had no wheel and no metal tools. Perhaps even more amazing is the carved animal pictographs on these pillars of lions, monkeys, vultures, scorpions and foxes, which Turkey never had and still doesn't. So, how did this place get built? Cue the "X-Files" intro music, pulleeeze...
- I've learned that ex-NYC Mayor Little Mikey Bloomberg, famous anti-gun nanny who wants to insert himself into your diet, and the guy who banned salt from NYC restaurant tables, may have mistaken "assault weapon" for "a salt weapon." Perhaps that's why he's so dead set on having them removed from our gun safes.
- I've learned that almost every Bernie Sanders voter is a college student who is drowning in student loans. And they just can't wait for "The Bern" to get elected so that their college tuition will be free. Of course, they seem to be unaware that the folks Bernie intends to fleece to pay for all of that will have by then moved to Panama or Costa Rica or Belize, and taken with them the bucks ol' Bern needs to pay for his voters' college loans. Too bad. It seems each generation is just begging to be fleeced by one politician or another.
- I've learned that if a train leaves Springfield, Illinois, heading south southwest toward Baton Rouge, Louisiana, at the average rate of 56 miles per hour, and another train leaves Baton Rouge, Louisiana, heading north northeast for Springfield at the average rate of 49 miles per hour, the question is, when will they have a flaming head-on collision? I, for one, have no friggin' idea. And I don't care. That's because I've lived almost 70,000 days since trying and failing to learn algebra, and have never had to use it even once.
However, I really don't need to know algebra, because we live in a 24/7 news cycle, and I'm guessing there will be a news crew from WWTF in Bowling Green, Kentucky, which will be there, cranked up and ready, to report on the twisted, mangled metal and the broken, bleeding bodies. I guess in retrospect my Medieval Poetry major didn't help all that much after all.
Well, that's enough for now, my friends. Pour yourself a stiff one and contemplate the amazing tidbits of knowledge that has just flowed your way. And, for absolutely no exchange of shekels whatsoever! How lucky are you? And so, until next time...
"Happy trails to you, until we meet again. Happy trails to you, keep smiling until then. Happy trails to you, 'til we meet again."
Roy Rogers, sometime in the 1950's