Tuesday, February 9, 2016

And Still MORE Stuff I've Learned (Part Quatro)

Well, children, here we are.  It's Part Four and I'm just getting started.  How much can one person learn in a short (long?) life?  Quite a bit, it seems.  And here is more of that stuff for you to ponder and enjoy.  Without further ado...

-  I've learned that the fine city of Lowell, Massassasschuuttes, or however you spell that commie state's name, has just implemented something I find quite disturbing.  Yes, my friends, this fair burg has decided if its residents wish to exercise their 2nd Amendment rights to "keep and bear arms," they must first write an essay to the Town Mothers and Fathers (overseers?) as to why they should be permitted to do so.  And then, if Mommy and Daddy decide they're worthy, they must then take a five-day course in gun safety, which this city is happy to sell you, and administer, for the rather astoundingly humungous sum of $1,100.00!  

I'm asking myself if these bozos are aware that charging such an exorbitant amount effectively disenfranchises their less well heeled residents from exercising their fundamental, God-given Right?  The very same folks who likely live on the wrong side of the tracks and need it more than those who live in safer neighborhoods.  And then I'm asking if they are intending to tweak the remaining nine Rights a bit? Like, perhaps, charging people a license fee prior to allowing them to stand on a soapbox in the Town Square and holler out their opinions.  Or, forcing them to buy a permit before being able to invoke their 5th Amendment right against self incrimination. How could it possibly be that there's a town in modern-day America that is run by complete, unadulterated, commie pinko dumbass liberal weenies?  I, for one, fear the end is near.

-  I've learned that eating two strips of bacon for breakfast each day reduces your chances of becoming a jihadist suicide bomber by fully 100%.  Also, I've decided that what we normal, non-jihadist, non-terrorist folks need is some bacon-scented after shave. Then, just about the time one of those Bad Guys tries to separate your head from the rest of your torso, they'll get the scent of pork products and take off running at flank speed in the opposite direction, their Kukri knife dragging in the dirt.  Better than pepper spray!  Almost as good as a .357 Magnum! 

-  I've learned that the Wounded Warrior Project has taken in more than $1 Billion Dollars since it's inception in 2004, and the rather large sum of $353 Million in 2015 alone!  That's tall money, my friends, especially since it's built on guilt trip info ads airing non-stop on cable TV, and $19 a month pledges from ordinary folks like you and me.  

And I've also learned that the folks that run this non-profit are spending like drunken sailors (no insult to sailors intended!) on "team building" trips and meals and food and beverages and travel.  $30 Million last year alone!  And, I've learned that they donate only about 60% of of their proceeds to the Warriors they are supposed to be helping!  

You should know that the organization that oversees charity groups like this one in terms of actually doing what they're supposed to do has placed the Wounded Warrior Project on its "do not donate" list.  As a veteran, I'm sorry to have to report this news...

-  And speaking of scams, it's time to address our attention to another thing I've learned.  As soon as "Mike Lindell," the supposed founder of the "My Pillow" enterprise, stated in one of his ubiquitous TV commercials that his product had been recommended by the "National Sleep Foundation," I just knew that outfit had been founded by good ol' Mike himself for a little third-party proof that his pillow was worth the $100 he was charging.  Considering you can buy a damn fine pillow from Target or Wal-Mart or Sears for $25, the extra $75 just has to go into advertising to get the easily swayed to cough up the dough.  Or into his well-rested jacket pocket.  This scam was old when I was young.  But it apparently still works on the gullible.  Simply found a foundation to tell the world the crap you're selling is worth buying.  Sad, but it works. Unfortunately... 

-  And speaking of hookers (we were, weren't we?), I've learned that the term "hooker" was coined as a synonym for prostitutes by (in)famous Major General Joseph Hooker, Civil War commander par excellence.  He was known for his hard-drinking, partying and dalliances with the ladies at his headquarters. Thereafter, women of the evening came to be known as "hookers," forevermore.  

Oh, and if you were wondering where the term "crapper" came from (you were, weren't you?), it dates all the way back to 1836 England, and to the guy who invented the "W.C.," or Water Closet (flush toilet). Thomas Crapper, later to be knighted (I proclaim thee Sir Crapper...Jeesh!), was a pretty good plumber.  So good that he came up with a better way to get rid of the stuff everybody wants to get rid of. So, when somebody calls the bathroom the "crapper," you'll finally know from whence the term emanated.  

-  I've learned that there has never, ever, ever been a civil or criminal complaint, or prosecution, or conviction, of a person who removed, altered or defaced the tag on a mattress or pillow in any state, county, city or province of the United States of America. So, one could reasonably ask, why is it there?  Could this be another one of those laws that should be repealed before another one is passed?

-  I've learned that, in spite of my efforts, there is still no White Congressional Caucus, no National Association for the Advancement of White People, no White Entertainment Network or Awards Program, and no White History Month. Perhaps worst of all, there's no Affirmative Action for White people displaced by preferences given to Blacks.  And yet, Beyonce Knowles (who is she again?) can prance around in a swim suit during the half time of the Super Bowl giving salutes to Malcolm X and the Black Panther Party, and then Black Lives Matter, when White guys wearing white sheets and hoods and carrying burning crosses doing the same exact thing would have been arrested and immediately sent to the Pelican Bay SuperMax.  Just saying...  

-  I've learned that our Mr. B. Hussein Obama has a bit of a problem with the Federal Debt.  You'll recall back on July 3, 2008, when he said:  

"The problem is, is that the way Bush has done it over the last eight years is to take out a credit card from the Bank of China in the name of our children, driving up our national debt from $5 Trillion for the first 42 Presidents - #43 added $4 Trillion all by his lonesome, so that we now have over $9 Trillion of debt that we are going to have to pay back - $30,000 for every man, woman and child. That's irresponsible!  That's unpatriotic!" 

Ummm, Mr. Obama, we just passed $19,000,000,000,000 in Federal Debt.  You've now put more on that Chinese credit card than all of America's other Presidents combined!  Now you've racked up more than $56,000 in indebtedness for every single American!  Does that make you irresponsible? Unpatriotic?

-  I've learned that most of you don't know, or don't remember, that George Stephanopoulos was one of those who helped elect Billy Jeff "Blue Dress" Clinton back in 1992. And then, he was a key part, along with the infamous James Carville, in his reelection in 1996.  But did you know that he was Clinton's Assistant Press Secretary, and then his Communications Director, and later his White House Chief of Staff? And then, after leaving Clinton in 1996 following Billy's reelection, without any, any journalistic training or experience whatsoever, he was hired by ABC as a newscaster? And now he is ABC's Chief Political Reporter and has a featured one-hour political talking heads show on Sunday morning? ABC is the media arm of Mickey Mouse. don't you know.  Is there anybody out there who still doesn't understand that there's a strong, indelibly strong left wing media bias out there?  Maybe this is why people call him George Clintonopoulos, and CNN, the Clinton New Network.

-  I've learned that the pyramids and the Spinx and Stonehenge and Machu Pichu are not the oldest man-made objects on Earth.  That honor now falls to Gobekle Tepe, a 22 acre shrine to something-or-other in southeastern Turkey. This place has been carbon-dated at somewhere between 11,000 and 12,000 years old!  That's more than 6,000 years older than those previously considered for that distinction.  

This site features a series of "T" shaped, carved stone pillars buried in the ground, each more than 16' tall and weighing 7 - 10 tons.  And yet, the folks who supposedly carved and erected these pillars had no wheel and no metal tools. Perhaps even more amazing is the carved animal pictographs on these pillars of lions, monkeys, vultures, scorpions and foxes, which Turkey never had and still doesn't.  So, how did this place get built?  Cue the "X-Files" intro music, pulleeeze... 

-  I've learned that ex-NYC Mayor Little Mikey Bloomberg, famous anti-gun nanny who wants to insert himself into your diet, and the guy who banned salt from NYC restaurant tables, may have mistaken "assault weapon" for "a salt weapon."  Perhaps that's why he's so dead set on having them removed from our gun safes.

-  I've learned that almost every Bernie Sanders voter is a college student who is drowning in student loans.  And they just can't wait for "The Bern" to get elected so that their college tuition will be free.  Of course, they seem to be unaware that the folks Bernie intends to fleece to pay for all of that will have by then moved to Panama or Costa Rica or Belize, and taken with them the bucks ol' Bern needs to pay for his voters' college loans.  Too bad.  It seems each generation is just begging to be fleeced by one politician or another.

- I've learned that if a train leaves Springfield, Illinois, heading south southwest toward Baton Rouge, Louisiana, at the average rate of 56 miles per hour, and another train leaves Baton Rouge, Louisiana, heading north northeast for Springfield at the average rate of 49 miles per hour, the question is, when will they have a flaming head-on collision? I, for one, have no friggin' idea.  And I don't care.  That's because I've lived almost 70,000 days since trying and failing to learn algebra, and have never had to use it even once.  

However, I really don't need to know algebra, because we live in a 24/7 news cycle, and I'm guessing there will be a news crew from WWTF in Bowling Green, Kentucky, which will be there, cranked up and ready, to report on the twisted, mangled metal and the broken, bleeding bodies.  I guess in retrospect my Medieval Poetry major didn't help all that much after all.

Well, that's enough for now, my friends.  Pour yourself a stiff one and contemplate the amazing tidbits of knowledge that has just flowed your way.  And, for absolutely no exchange of shekels whatsoever!  How lucky are you?  And so, until next time...

"Happy trails to you, until we meet again.  Happy trails to you, keep smiling until then.  Happy trails to you, 'til we meet again."

Roy Rogers, sometime in the 1950's

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