Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Remember when gays were just, ummm, gay?
We were told that some percentage of our population was gay. 3, 4, 8, 10%? No one knows. But some percentage is, for sure, gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that, doncha' know.
Then we were told that we had to split the gay population in two to accommodate both men and women. Can't disrespect the gals, right? Women's liberation, bra-burning, equal-pay- for-equal-work and all that. So, we had gays and lesbians. Okay, so far.
Then, the gay population of two had to be expanded to include bi-sexuals, who apparently couldn't make up their minds about exactly whom to lust after. So, we had gays, and lesbians, and then bi-sexuals.
I remember a friend I had as a kid. He lived and worked on a farm. He was built just exactly like a fireplug. About 5' 5" and 315'. He was a fearsome right guard on my home town's football team (go Hornets!). He once showed me a copy of that month's Playboy Magazine. He had a downtrodden and somewhat quizzical look on his face. He, in a moment of reflection, proclaimed to me, "Chuckmeister (that's not how I was known at the time, but it'll do for now), I think I'm bi-sexual." My jaw dropped. "Because, if I get any sex at all," he said, "I'm gonna' have to buy it."
You know who you are, Wayne, so I won't divulge your last name and embarrass you throughout the Ionosphere. Or, in Chillicothe, Missouri.
But LGB wasn't enough. We had to have it expanded again. Add transgenders, they said. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't think transgenders belong with the other three. But that's just me. I mean, after all, gays, lesbians and bi-sexuals are born that way, I think. Or so we're told. I wouldn't think these folks would actually choose to be what they are, so "born that way" seems to be the most reasonable explanation. Unless, bi-sexuals are just born lazy and are willing to hole up with whomever's handy. But Transgenders (I capitalize the term so as to show suitable deference) decide whether to dress up as a women if they're a man, or a man if they're a woman. It's a choice! And God knows, as the father of four daughters, I'm all for freedom of choice. So they added it. And now we have Lesbians, Gays, Bi-sexuals and Transgenders. LGBT. Great. Learn to live with it.
But wait! Now we have Bruce Jenner who was born a guy, but has now, some 60 years later, decided that he really was, is, and should forever after be, a woman. So he's transformed himself into "Caitlin." And he's on the cover of this month's Vanity Fair magazine. So which category, exactly, do we place Mr./Ms. Jenner in? He's not gay, exactly, and he's not a lesbian. Perhaps he's a bi-sexual, but we don't as yet know. Perhaps he's the (un)natural extension of "transgender." Transgender taken to the extreme. And imponderable, for sure.
But since we've fattened up this little core "born-that-way" group of minorities to include those who actively choose their differentiation, or choose to exploit their God-given situation, I wonder how long it will be before somebody within that crowd comes to believe that there's an ill-served bunch that needs, really needs, to be scooped up and added to the aforementioned category? There's strength in numbers, you know. No one knows who - or what - it might be, but trust me, there will be a heretofore underrepresented or mistreated or misunderstood group, one that decides to be a group, as opposed to those born into it, or forced into it, that will accept the invitation to coalesce into this heretofore mentioned small but growing bunch. And I have a list of those which might be in consideration as this is written. And if they're not, consider this little posting my gift to the acronymynous crowd (I just made that word up):
1) Transabled: While I was contemplating what to include in this little posting, Ms. Jenner's decision has created entirely new categories. They're called "transabled." One white guy named Steve just called Rush Limbaugh and came out as an African-American. He said he'd been one since about the age of ten, and he's now 39. Rush welcomed him to his new race. Would you believe it? He's from Chillicothe, Missouri, the home of your humble servant, The Chuckmeister. Could it be that this little burg transforms its citizens in ways yet to be determined?
Another decided he's disabled, even though he isn't. Consider that. He's just fine, physically, but inside, he's disabled (!). I can't wait to find out what the DMV has to say when he makes application for his gimp sticker.
And now we have a NEWS FLASH! Rachel Dolezal, head of the Spokane Chapter of the NAACP, that's " blah blah colored people," for those of you who aren't in to acronyms, was found yesterday to be a black person hiding inside a white woman's body. Yes, my friends, this presumably nice, frizzy-haired chick, who got those frizzes from a bottle instead of a genome, has been either pretending to be black so she could get a full-ride scholarship and a big-time job, or is certifiably "transabled." Whacha' gonna' do?
So we have the first, and perhaps most important, new category of a "self-decided" minority: Transabled. With that our new designation becomes LGBTT. Welcome to the new America, my friends.
2) Dwarves: Or, dwarfs, if you are so inclined. Or maybe "Midgets," if that word's not too pejorative. These "little people" aren't represented at all by any particular economic or political group. Except circuses, of course. They're "big" in the circus (that's a joke). And midget wrestling. And one of the main actors on "Game of Thrones" is vertically challenged as well. They really need a group to cotton up to. Add dwarves to our bunch and you've got LGBTTD.
3) Gypsies: With exception of the National Association of Palm Readers (I just made that up also), Gypsies have no place to go. The "Roma," as they're called in Europe, specialize in separating people from their wallets, their cars, their inheritances and their identities. Have they been misunderstood? Me thinks not. They've been understood quite well, say I.
I recall a trip my family took to Italy. While in Rome a group of Gypsy children under the command of their mother, I think, or if not their mother, then their female platoon sergeant, tried to separate one of my daughters from her backpack. Fortunately, I caught them in the act of trying to cut the strap, grab the booty and beat feet, and was able to drop-kick one of them down an up escalator and foil their nefarious plans. You'd be surprised how far you can dropkick a six year-old Gypsy kid! Or maybe you wouldn't. Yes, Gypsies need a group to pal around with. So, we have LGBTTDG. We're getting there.
4) Albinos: What to do with albinos? There aren't very many of them, but hey, there's a few. And why not include them in our little gathering. Who knows? They might get some extra moral support while the aforementioned group of the disaffected gain a few extra votes and some more political muscle. I mean, put an albino up on stage at the beginning of a rally of the Underrepresented and I guarantee you'll get some press! Especially if he/she/it/they also happens to be gay or transgender. And a dwarf. Can you see it? A gay, transgender albino dwarf? So, we have LGBTTDGA.
5) Smokers: From a high of nearly 49% at the end of World War Part Deux, Americans who choose to smoke has decreased to 17.8% today. That percentage varies from rich to poor and among various ethnicities, but one thing is absolutely true: Smoking makes one a pariah! You can be a dog-kicking, conservative, anti-abortion pedophile and be thought of better than one who smokes. But one must ask, if the Federal Government pays farmers to grow tobacco, and the states and the Feds garner huge sums of tax money from the sale of tobacco products, then why are those who choose to legally consume it treated so shabbily?
You can see them every day. Worker drones sneaking out of high-rise office buildings to take a few puffs outdoors next to the parking meters. I suggest that we perhaps make Montana our Smoking Zone. You want to smoke? Go to Montana. Do you know there are fewer residents in Montana than in Atlanta, Georgia and its environs? It's not like they can actually do anything about our choosing to impose smoking upon them, even though they're all armed and considered dangerous. There's strength in numbers. So I say let's add smokers to our list of the disaffected. And now we have LGBTTDGAS.
6) OCD: Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder, or OCD. These are the folks that can't stop doing something that's frowned upon, or start doing something that isn't, or simply sit and contemplate their navels while the rest of us are engaged in making a living, or signing up for food stamps, or voting six or seven times for the Democrat. Now these folks are born that way, they say, or maybe they aren't, but are a necessary sub-set of our population the psychiatrists absolutely require to be the slobbering recipients of multitudinous Ritalin prescriptions, so they actually qualify to be a part of the LGBT crowd. But since their malady has nothing to do with sex, they've been completely ignored. We can't permit that injustice to continue. So, let's add them to our little grouping so they can finally get the media attention they deserve. And so we have LGBTTDGASOCD.
And so, my friends, by way of this little posting I've advanced the social accumulation of the disaffected. Hey, that's pretty good! The Social Accumulation of the Disaffected (SAD)! And believe me, it is...