Monday, May 2, 2011

The Church of the Chuckmeister

There may be some of you out there in Digitalville who remain unaware that the Chuckmeister is an ordained minister. Yep, it's true. It took lots of reading and study and living a good clean, moral life (uh, well, sometimes) to achieve this milestone, but I did it. In fact, I've been a Reverend for most of the past 25 years. I obtained this honor with the idea in mind that I might have to start my own church in order to avoid the nasty realities that President Jimmuh Carter was foisting on me and those of you who happened to be alive during his divisive, destructive and demoralizing turn in the White House. You know, like an energy crisis and interminable gas lines and 21% interest and 24% inflation and Iranian hostages and feckless incompetence. Like that.

But, as it turned out I didn't have to. I bought a piece of the Oakland Convention Center and some unreleased Willie Nelson records and a share of a Jojoba bean farm instead to lessen the unrelenting tax bite. Great tax shelters, those. It's an old truism that if you tax those who produce enough, they'll figure a way to keep some of that which they've earned, even if they have to get creative to do it. True then. True now.

But I've been a Reverend in good standing ever since. So, in addition to being a world-class salesman and marketeer, public relations wonderkind, advertising genius, star strategist, classy dresser and stellar professional pool player, as well as possessing a near encyclopedic memory for all things useless and a sense of humor second to none, I am authorized by whichever Democrat Weenie who happens to running California into the ground at the time to conduct weddings. In fact, I've done so more than 300 times over the years, including one of my own daughters, and as far as I know every single couple I've joined in Holy Matrimony are still married. That would be "as far as I know," which isn't terribly far. But I'm also permitted to conduct funerals and Bar Mitzvahs and the Blessing of the Harvest and Druid-style equinox celebrations Roman Bacchanalian soirees and other religious gatherings at will. It turns out that may finally prove helpful.

You may also be as yet unaware that certain religious orders are exempted from having to participate in our boy President's signature new legislation, the "Affordable Care and Screw America to the Wall Forever Healthcare Act of 2009." I'm not sure that's the exact title, but it's close. This little 2,700 page wonder (drop it on your foot and bones will be breaking, trust me) has come to be known as "Obamacare." It basically subsumes one-sixth of our great nation's economy, guarantees European-style socialist healthcare rationing, robs hundreds of billions of dollars from Medicare and dumbs down healthcare service delivery to all Americans. All except the D.C. ruling class, don't you know. And the Health and Human Services Department, that bloated Federal organization that Barry has tapped to oversee this behemoth legislation, has thus far granted more than 1,200 waivers to nice folks wishing to opt out of it. Waiver recipients thus far include companies such as McDonalds, unions such as A.C.O.R.N., the AARP and even a couple of our United States. It truly makes one wonder why, if this piece of legislation is so damn good, why would be those who would wish not to participate? Good question. But that's for another discussion.

It turns out also that Obamacare exempts a couple of religious organizations from having to participate. Those would be the Church of Christ (Scientist) and the Amish Order. Why, you might ask? Well, the legislation doesn't state exactly, but we all know that the Church of Christ (Scientist) believes that you can heal whatever ails you with only the power of prayer. No doctors or hospitals needed, thank you. And the Amish don't cotton much to those newfangled things like electricity and cars and doctors. Good for them. Sounds to me like we have the makings here of the perfect way to give the finger to the Administration, HHS and the Government as a whole in one swell foop. So here's my plan…

Ta Da! I am hereby launching the Chuckmeister Church of Christ with Scientific and Amish Leanings (CCCSAL). This new church will have as its charter the belief that medical care obtained as a result of legislation stuffed down our collective throats by Commie Pinko Liberal Dumbass Weenies (CPLDW) is against God and all that is Holy. It also specifies that we should consider praying for the things we both want and need, and we should try getting around via horse and buggy and eschewing electricity whenever possible. BTW, with gas prices through the roof and no new power plants having been built in the past 30 years, we all may have to.

So, by way of this posting I'm formally notifying the Federal Government that my Church and all its members are hereby exempt from participating in Obamacare and anything like it that Barry and the Boys might up with subsequently come (remember, never end a sentence with a preposition!).

"So how do I join, Mr. Chuckmeister?" you might be asking yourself at this very moment. Very simply, just send me a check for $5.00 and I'll add your name to the Church roster and email you with proof so you can give the Feds the bird. Or, if you'd care to be a Minister in my holy quest to right all the world's wrongs, including the wrongs coming our way out of Washington on a daily basis, make it $10.00 and a self-addressed and stamped envelope and you'll be ordained. Poof! You'll receive a very nice (well, not terribly nice) certificate of your ordination by return mail. That's all there is to it. No regular Church services. No regular Church! No meetings, no requirements, no nothing. Just live a good, clean and moral life and obey at least 7 of the 10 Commandments routinely and you'll remain an adherent in good standing.

The Chuckmeister thanks you for your interest in this Public Service Announcement. Go with God, my child…

1 comment:

  1. Reverend Chuck, Reverend Chuck...

    You didn't mention anything about performing a bris in your list of religious ceremonies, although I suspect those Druid-style equinox celebrations might come close! :-) Here's my proposal to you.. sign me up and sometime in the near future I'll use the power of my ten buck ordination to beatify you - one step from sainthood in your little church. How cool would that be?!


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